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‘The Trip: Part 1’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Trip: Part 1

401. The Trip: Part 1

Aired August 12, 1992

As Kramer tries to make it in Hollywood, Jerry brings George with him out West when he's booked on The Tonight Show.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: It's amazing to me that people will move thousands of miles away to another city, they think nothing of it. They get on a plane, boom. They're there. They live there now. Just, uh, I'm living over there. You know, pioneers, it took years to cross the country. Now, people will move thousands of miles just for one season. I don't think any pioneers did that, you know. "Yeah, it took us a decade to get there, and, uh, we stayed for the summer. It was nice. It had a pool. The kids loved it. And then we left about ten years ago and we just got back. We had a great summer, it took us 20 years and now our lives are over."

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Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: It seems to me that the closest thing we have to Royalty in America are the people that get to ride in those little carts through the airport. Don't you hate these things? They come out of nowhere. Beep beep, "Cart people, look out, cart people! Look out!" We all scurry out of the way like worthless peasants. "Ooh! It's cart people! I hope we didn't slow you down. Wave to the cart people, Timmy, they're the best people in the world." You know, if you're too fat, slow and disoriented to get to your gate on time, you're not ready for air travel. The other people I hate are the people that get on to the moving walkway and then just stand there. Like it's a ride? Excuse me, there's no animated pirates or bears along the way here. Do your legs work at all?

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: See, my acting technique, my personal acting technique is working with color, imagining color, then finding the emotional vibrational mood connected to the color. See, if you look through my scripts, you'll see that all my lines have a special color, so I don't memorize language, I memorize color. This way I can go through [snaps fingers] red, yellow, green, blue. And I have a full palette of emotions.
Security Guard: Hey, didn't I tell you to get out of here?
Kramer: Uh, did you?
Security Guard: Come on, let's go.
Kramer: Well, I was just--
Security Guard: Yeah yeah, you were just nothing. Come on, let's go.
Kramer: All right, we'll talk about this a little later. Are you an actor?

Quote from George

Jerry: What is this?
George: What?
Jerry: We're going on a two day trip. What are you, Diana Ross?
George: I happen to dress based on mood.
Jerry: Oh. But you essentially wear the same thing all the time.
George: Seemingly. Seemingly. But within that basic framework, there are many subtle variations only discernible to an acute observer, that reflect the many moods, the many shades, the many sides of George Costanza.
Jerry: And what mood is this.
George: This is Morning Mist.

Quote from George

George: Listen, are you going to be making up the bed in the morning?
Lupe: Yes.
George: Fine. Excellent. Could you do me a favor? Could you not tuck the blankets in? 'Cause I can't sleep all tucked in.
Lupe: Oh, yes, yes.
George: Yes, I like to just be able to take the blankets and swish them and swirl them, you know what I mean? You know, I don't like being all tucked in. I like to have a lot of room, you know. I like to have my toes pointed up in the air. Just like to scrunch up the blankets.
Lupe: Yes, yes. It's too tight to sleep.
George: Exactly. You know what I'm talking about, right?
Lupe: It's too tight.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Talk show hosts never seem to have any idea how much time is left in the show. You know, they're always looking off camera, "Do we have time? Are we out of time? How we doing on time? Anybody know what the time is? What's the time? Check the time?" You never see Magnum P.I. go, "Should I strangle this guy or are we gonna take a break here? Can you stay for another beating? I'll tell you what, I'll bop him in the head, we'll do a commercial, we'll come back, I'll drive in the car real fast, stay with us."

Quote from George

Jerry: Hey listen, The Tonight Show called me, they want me to come out and do the show on the 28th and they're giving me two free tickets to LA. You wanna go?
George: A free ticket?
Jerry: Yeah, in fact we could track down Kramer. I always felt bad about the way he left, you know? That was a mess. I never should have taken back those keys.
George: What about accommodations?
Jerry: All taken care of.
George: Is there a meal allowance? What about seat assignments? Could I have the Kosher meal? I hear the Kosher meal is good. And I need clothes. Gotta get a haircut. Gonna have to, I have to refill my allergy medication. Oh, do I need a hat? I need a hat, don't I? Could we do the Universal tour? They have that Backdraft exhibit now, that looks very cool to me...

Quote from George

George: Hey. Corbin Bernsen.
Corbin Bernsen: How you doing?
George: Big fan! Big fan.
Corbin Bernsen: Yeah.
George: Hey, you grew a beard, huh?
Corbin Bernsen: Yeah, yeah. I'm doing a movie during my hiatus.
George: Hey. You know, do I have a case for you guys to do on L.A. Law.
Corbin Bernsen: Really?
[later:]
George: ...so mind you, at this point I'm only going out with her two or three weeks. So she goes out of town and she asks me to feed her cat. So at this time, there's a lot of stuff going on in my life and, uh, it slips my mind for a few days. Maybe a week. Not a week, five, six days.
Corbin Bernsen: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what happened?
George: Well, it's the damnedest thing. The cat dies. So she comes back into town, she finds the cat lying on the carpet, stiff as a board.
Corbin Bernsen: So you killed the cat?
George: That's what she says. I say, "Listen. It was an old cat. It died of natural causes." So get this, now she tells me that I gotta buy her a brand new cat. I say, "Listen, honey. First of all, it was a pretty old cat. I'm not
gonna buy you a brand new cat to replace an old dying cat. And second of all, Igo out to the garbage, I find you a new cat in fifteen seconds. I say, you show me an autopsy report that says this cat died of starvation, I spring for a new cat." So she says something to me, like, uh, I dunno, "Get the hell out of here", and she breaks up with me. Now don't you think that would be a great case on L.A. Law?

Quote from George

George: I don't wanna tell you how to run your show.
George Wendt: Oh, of course not.
George: But really, it's enough with the bar already.
George Wendt: Yeah, well.
George: Seriously, have they though about changing the setting?
George Wendt: Doubt it. I doubt it. Yeah.
George: Really? Because people do meet in places besides a bar, huh?
George Wendt: Well, yeah, they do. [chuckle]
George: What about a rec room? Huh? Or a community center.
George Wendt: Yeah, you ought to write one of those.
George: Yeah?
George Wendt: Yeah, I'll bring it up with the producers, I gotta, uh...
George: Fabulous. I'll think about that George, thank you!

Quote from George

George: Kramer was on Murphy Brown?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Are you sure?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Murphy Brown, the TV show.
Jerry: Come on, will you?
George: Kramer was on Murphy Brown? That son of a gun!
Jerry: Something, isn't it?
George: With Candice Bergen!
Jerry: I know!
George: I've always liked her. Remember her in Carnal Knowledge?
Jerry: Sure.
George: Did she show her breasts in that?
Jerry: She's not really the naked type.

Quote from George

George: I can't believe I missed Kramer. You know he asked me to go with him to California.
Jerry: He did?
George: Yeah, I turned him down.
Jerry: How come you didn't tell me?
George: He asked me to keep it a secret.
Jerry: But you can never keep a secret.
George: I know. This was like a record. My previous record was when Joni Hirsch asked me not to tell anybody that we slept together. Kept a lid on that for about 28 seconds.
Jerry: Well, you've come a long way.
George: I've matured.

Quote from Kramer

[Kramer dials a pay phone in a rundown apartment building:]
Female Voice: Murphy Brown.
Kramer: Uh, yeah, uh, Candice Bergen please.
Female Voice: Who's calling please?
Kramer: Well, just tell her that it's Kramer. [dial tone] All right I'll, uh, I'll call her at home.

Quote from Kramer

Helene: Hello, Kramer.
Kramer: Oh, uh, Helene, how are you?
Helene: I haven't worked since 1934, how do you think I am?
Kramer: Well, that's only, uh... 58 years.
Helene: It was a Three Stooges short, "Sappy Pappy." I played Mr. Sugarman's secretary, remember?
Kramer: Yeah, right, right, yeah. Yeah, that was a Shemp, right?
Helene: No, a Curly. The boys played three sailors who find a baby. The baby's been kidnapped and the police think that they did it.
Kramer: Uh huh, right.
Helene: But- But, of course they didn't do it, the police had made an awful mistake.
Kramer: Right.
Helene: Moe hits Curly with an axe.
Kramer: Uh huh.
Helene: The Stooges catch the kidnappers,
Kramer: Right.
Helene: But it's too late.
Kramer: Really.
Helene: The baby's dead.
Kramer: Really?
Helene: The boys are sent to Death Row and are executed.
Kramer: Well, I don't remember that part.
Helene: I play Mr. Sugarman's secretary.
Kramer: Oh, yeah, yeah. You were, you were very good.
Helene: Yeah, it was sad for a Three Stooges, what with the dead baby and the Stooges being executed and all.
Kramer: Well, that was an unusual choice for the stooges.

Quote from Kramer

Helene: Would you like to buy me a fat-free frozen yogurt at the store, Kramer?
Kramer: Uh, well, uh, you know I can't right now, you know, uh, I got a very big meeting, I got these people interested in my movie treatment. So, uh, I guess we'll have to make it another time, all right?
Helene: No, no! No, don't go out there, Kramer, they'll hurt you, they'll destroy you. You'll never make it in this town, you're too sensitive like me.
Kramer: Helene, you're wrong, you know I'm not that sensitive at all.
Helene: I was engaged to Mickey Rooney! He left me at the altar. Kramer! Kramer!

Quote from George

Jerry: Look at this guy, he's like a cat burglar. He thinks if he goes through real slow the machine won't detect him.
George: I've always been little nervous about going through these things. I'm afraid I'm gonna step through into another dimension.
Jerry: Just go.
[George braces himself as he walks through the metal detector]
George: [chuckles] I made it.

Quote from Jerry

[After Jerry walks through the metal detector, it beeps]
Security Guard: Empty your pockets please.
[Jerry empties his pockets and walks through again. Once again, the machine beeps.]
Security Guard: Walk through again please.
[Jerry walks through and the machine beeps once again]
Security Guard: Are you sure you don't have any metal on you? Bracelets? Rings? Anklets?
Jerry: Anklets?
Security Guard: A lot of men wear anklets.
Jerry: Really?

Quote from George

Security Guard: Do you have a knife in the bag?
George: A knife?
Security Guard: Open the bag, please.
[After George opens his bag, the security guard begins rummaging]
Security Guard: What's this?
George: Moisturizer?
Security Guard: For your wife?
George: No, I, uh... I use it.

Quote from Jerry

George: Come on Jerry, let's go. What was that all about?
Jerry: I must have iron-rich blood.

Quote from George

George: Here we go, L.A.
Jerry: The Coast.
George: La-la Land. I got the window seat, right?
Jerry: Who said that?
George: I called it.
Jerry: Oh no.

Quote from Kramer

Chelsea: So, can I keep this treatment?
Kramer: Oh yeah, yeah, I got 20 copies.
Chelsea: 'Cause I can, uh, show it to my manager. He has connections with West German television money.
Kramer: Great.
Chelsea: Yeah, they're trying to put together a miniseries for me on Eva Braun. I mean think about it, is that a great idea? We know nothing about Eva Braun, only that she was Hitler's girlfriend.
Kramer: Um-hm.
Chelsea: What was it like having sex with Adolf Hitler? What do you wear in a bunker? What did her parents think of Hitler as a potential son-in-law? I mean, it could just go on and on...

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Wait wait, hold it, hold it. Look who's over there. Don't look, don't look! It's Fred Savage.
Chelsea: Big deal.
Kramer: He'd be perfect for my movie. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. [takes a deep breath] I gotta go over there, I gotta give him a copy of my treatment.
Chelsea: Why are you breathing so hard?
Kramer: Well, I'm just a little nervous. Okay, I gotta relax. Phew. Wish me luck, huh?

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hey. Oh, did I frighten you? I'm not crazy. I mean, I may look weird, but I'm just like you, I'm just a regular guy just trying to make it in this business. You know I really like your work, the, uh...
Fred Savage: Thank you.
Kramer: Yeah, I can't remember the name of it.
Fred Savage: Thanks.
Kramer: Yeah, my mind's a blank, I'm sorta nervous, you know, uh...
Fred Savage: That's okay. Relax, relax.
Kramer: Okay, but I got this...
[Kramer lifts his leg onto the table, which collapses]
Kramer: Stupid table. You know, I'm not normally like this. Usually I'm very cool and charming, I don't mean to bother you or anything but I think it's fate that you happened to be here at the same time as me.
Fred Savage: Yeah, its fate. You know, can't avoid your fate. [heads for the door]
Kramer: I got this treatment I think you'll be great in.
Fred Savage: Yeah.
Kramer: So I'd like to give it to you.
Fred Savage: Yeah, thank you, thanks a lot. Bye!
Kramer: All right, excuse me. Uh wait, wait.
[Fred Savage takes the treatment and bolts out the door. Kramer gives everybody in the establishment a thumbs up]

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: [on the phone] Yeah, Kramer. K-R-A-M-E-R. Uh, I don't know, wavy? [to George] George, how would you describe Kramer's hair?
George: Curly.
Jerry: Wavy.
George: What'd you ask me for?

Quote from Jerry

George: Uh, Jerry, you want your blankets tucked in?
Jerry: Excuse me, what?
George: You want your blankets tucked in?
Jerry: What blankets?
George: When Lupe makes up the beds in the morning.
Jerry: I don't know, whatever they do.
Lupe: I tuck in? Yes?
Jerry: Tuck in, tuck in.
George: All right, so that's one tuck and one no-tuck.
Lupe: Okay.
George: Yeah. One second sweetheart. Jerry, I really think it'd be easier if you didn't tuck.
Jerry: Excuse me, fine, you don't want me to tuck, put me down for a no-tuck.
George: [to Lupe] Two no-tucks.
Jerry: Uh, hang on a second, You know what? Changed my mind, make it a tuck.
George: You just said you weren't tucking.
Jerry: I'm tucking!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: I can't believe she threw that out. I had like the perfect wording of a whole joke I was gonna do about the X-ray counter at the airport, I was gonna do it on The Tonight Show, now I can't remember it.
George: Well, what did you want her to do? You left it on the night table.
Jerry: They're not supposed to just take everything and throw it out!
George: Hey, hey, hey! It's not Lupe's fault. You shouldn't have left it out.

Quote from George

Jerry: How's it going?
George: Great! Great! I actually just had two meaningful intelligent conversations with Corbin Bernsen and George Wendt.
Jerry: Really?
George: Yeah. Not fan talk, not gushing, you know? Actual conversation, I was incredibly articulate!
Jerry: You got toilet paper on your heel there.

Quote from George

Corbin Bernsen: [on The Tonight Show] Oh yeah, yeah, people are always coming up to me trying to give me a great case for L.A. Law. Just a few seconds ago, right here, right outside in the hallway, this nut. ..Some sick nut comes up to me and says he's supposed to watch this girl's cat while she's away out of town. Anyway, he forgets to feed the cat. The cat dies. Starves to death. He kills the cat. Refuses to get her a new one. Won't give her any money. Won't pay her. And he wants Arnie Becker to represent him. Nice guy. Yeah, that'd make a great* case for L.A. Law. Thanks a lot.

Quote from George

George Wendt: [on The Tonight Show] It's funny, 'cause even after all these years, we still get people, you know, giving us advice, how to improve the show. Actually, a few moments ago I ran into a nut back there... He said, you know, that maybe we should think about, you know, not doing the show in a bar.
[In the studio audience, everybody but George is laughing]

Quote from George

George Wendt: The guy you talked to, what did he look like?
Corbin Bernsen: Short little bald guy with glasses.
George Wendt: Yeah, yeah, that's the same guy I talked to.
Corbin Bernsen: It never ends, does it?

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: I was terrible.
George: What are you, crazy? You were fine.
Jerry: Nah, did you hear the end? I couldn't remember what I was trying to say, that whole thing about the, uh...
George: Conveyor belt.
Jerry: Yeah. Because she threw out my napkin.
George: I can't believe, you're blaming Lupe?
Jerry: Yes, Lupe. I'm blaming Lupe.

Quote from Kramer

Keith Morrison: [on TV newscast] Our top story tonight, there has been a break in the so called "Smog Stranglings". Police have just released a photo of the suspect being sought in connection with the slayings. He is known only as "Kramer".


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