[stand-up:]
Jerry: It seems to me that the closest thing we have to Royalty in America are the people that get to ride in those little carts through the airport. Don't you hate these things? They come out of nowhere. Beep beep, "Cart people, look out, cart people! Look out!" We all scurry out of the way like worthless peasants. "Ooh! It's cart people! I hope we didn't slow you down. Wave to the cart people, Timmy, they're the best people in the world." You know, if you're too fat, slow and disoriented to get to your gate on time, you're not ready for air travel. The other people I hate are the people that get on to the moving walkway and then just stand there. Like it's a ride? Excuse me, there's no animated pirates or bears along the way here. Do your legs work at all?

[stand-up:]
Jerry: It's amazing to me that people will move thousands of miles away to another city, they think nothing of it. They get on a plane, boom. They're there. They live there now. Just, uh, I'm living over there. You know, pioneers, it took years to cross the country. Now, people will move thousands of miles just for one season. I don't think any pioneers did that, you know. "Yeah, it took us a decade to get there, and, uh, we stayed for the summer. It was nice. It had a pool. The kids loved it. And then we left about ten years ago and we just got back. We had a great summer, it took us 20 years and now our lives are over."

Kramer: See, my acting technique, my personal acting technique is working with color, imagining color, then finding the emotional vibrational mood connected to the color. See, if you look through my scripts, you'll see that all my lines have a special color, so I don't memorize language, I memorize color. This way I can go through [snaps fingers] red, yellow, green, blue. And I have a full palette of emotions.
Security Guard: Hey, didn't I tell you to get out of here?
Kramer: Uh, did you?
Security Guard: Come on, let's go.
Kramer: Well, I was just--
Security Guard: Yeah yeah, you were just nothing. Come on, let's go.
Kramer: All right, we'll talk about this a little later. Are you an actor?

Jerry: What is this?
George: What?
Jerry: We're going on a two day trip. What are you, Diana Ross?
George: I happen to dress based on mood.
Jerry: Oh. But you essentially wear the same thing all the time.
George: Seemingly. Seemingly. But within that basic framework, there are many subtle variations only discernible to an acute observer, that reflect the many moods, the many shades, the many sides of George Costanza.
Jerry: And what mood is this.
George: This is Morning Mist.

George: Listen, are you going to be making up the bed in the morning?
Lupe: Yes.
George: Fine. Excellent. Could you do me a favor? Could you not tuck the blankets in? 'Cause I can't sleep all tucked in.
Lupe: Oh, yes, yes.
George: Yes, I like to just be able to take the blankets and swish them and swirl them, you know what I mean? You know, I don't like being all tucked in. I like to have a lot of room, you know. I like to have my toes pointed up in the air. Just like to scrunch up the blankets.
Lupe: Yes, yes. It's too tight to sleep.
George: Exactly. You know what I'm talking about, right?
Lupe: It's too tight.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Talk show hosts never seem to have any idea how much time is left in the show. You know, they're always looking off camera, "Do we have time? Are we out of time? How we doing on time? Anybody know what the time is? What's the time? Check the time?" You never see Magnum P.I. go, "Should I strangle this guy or are we gonna take a break here? Can you stay for another beating? I'll tell you what, I'll bop him in the head, we'll do a commercial, we'll come back, I'll drive in the car real fast, stay with us."

Jerry: Hey listen, The Tonight Show called me, they want me to come out and do the show on the 28th and they're giving me two free tickets to LA. You wanna go?
George: A free ticket?
Jerry: Yeah, in fact we could track down Kramer. I always felt bad about the way he left, you know? That was a mess. I never should have taken back those keys.
George: What about accommodations?
Jerry: All taken care of.
George: Is there a meal allowance? What about seat assignments? Could I have the Kosher meal? I hear the Kosher meal is good. And I need clothes. Gotta get a haircut. Gonna have to, I have to refill my allergy medication. Oh, do I need a hat? I need a hat, don't I? Could we do the Universal tour? They have that Backdraft exhibit now, that looks very cool to me...

George: Hey. Corbin Bernsen.
Corbin Bernsen: How you doing?
George: Big fan! Big fan.
Corbin Bernsen: Yeah.
George: Hey, you grew a beard, huh?
Corbin Bernsen: Yeah, yeah. I'm doing a movie during my hiatus.
George: Hey. You know, do I have a case for you guys to do on L.A. Law.
Corbin Bernsen: Really?
[later:]
George: ...so mind you, at this point I'm only going out with her two or three weeks. So she goes out of town and she asks me to feed her cat. So at this time, there's a lot of stuff going on in my life and, uh, it slips my mind for a few days. Maybe a week. Not a week, five, six days.
Corbin Bernsen: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what happened?
George: Well, it's the damnedest thing. The cat dies. So she comes back into town, she finds the cat lying on the carpet, stiff as a board.
Corbin Bernsen: So you killed the cat?
George: That's what she says. I say, "Listen. It was an old cat. It died of natural causes." So get this, now she tells me that I gotta buy her a brand new cat. I say, "Listen, honey. First of all, it was a pretty old cat. I'm not
gonna buy you a brand new cat to replace an old dying cat. And second of all, Igo out to the garbage, I find you a new cat in fifteen seconds. I say, you show me an autopsy report that says this cat died of starvation, I spring for a new cat." So she says something to me, like, uh, I dunno, "Get the hell out of here", and she breaks up with me. Now don't you think that would be a great case on L.A. Law?

George: I don't wanna tell you how to run your show.
George Wendt: Oh, of course not.
George: But really, it's enough with the bar already.
George Wendt: Yeah, well.
George: Seriously, have they though about changing the setting?
George Wendt: Doubt it. I doubt it. Yeah.
George: Really? Because people do meet in places besides a bar, huh?
George Wendt: Well, yeah, they do. [chuckle]
George: What about a rec room? Huh? Or a community center.
George Wendt: Yeah, you ought to write one of those.
George: Yeah?
George Wendt: Yeah, I'll bring it up with the producers, I gotta, uh...
George: Fabulous. I'll think about that George, thank you!

George: Kramer was on Murphy Brown?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Are you sure?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Murphy Brown, the TV show.
Jerry: Come on, will you?
George: Kramer was on Murphy Brown? That son of a gun!
Jerry: Something, isn't it?
George: With Candice Bergen!
Jerry: I know!
George: I've always liked her. Remember her in Carnal Knowledge?
Jerry: Sure.
George: Did she show her breasts in that?
Jerry: She's not really the naked type.