Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The Non-Fat Yogurt’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Non-Fat Yogurt

507. The Non-Fat Yogurt

Aired November 4, 1993

Jerry and Elaine suspect that a new yogurt place Kramer supports is serving up full-fat yogurt as non-fat. Meanwhile, George gets trapped in a lie about an involuntary elbow nudge.

Quote from George

George: So, he made an appointment for me to see Dinkins' doctor. He's just trying to humiliate me.
Jerry: Uh-huh.
George: And I have to go. If I don't go, he'll know I'm lying.
Jerry: Well, so, what are you going to do? Sit in the doctor's office doing this? He's going to think you're a mental patient.
George: I don't care. Look, Lloyd doesn't know what he's up against. This is nothing to me. My whole life is a lie!

Rate

Quote from Newman

Newman: Well, I wouldn't hear of it. I said, "Nice try, granny!" And I sent her to the back of the line! [laughs]
Jerry: Hello, Newman.
Newman: Hello, Jerry. Say, this yogurt is really something, huh? And it's non-fat. I've been waiting for something like this my whole life. And it's finally here!

Quote from George

George: The next morning, I woke up, and it was going like this. I can control it if I really concentrate. But otherwise, oh!
Doctor: Yes, well, I'm going to have to be perfectly honest with you.
George: Please, doctor.
Doctor: I've examined you.
George: Yes.
Doctor: I've looked at your X-rays.
George: Uh-huh.
Doctor: And I find that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you.
George: Hmm. Really? Nothing?
Doctor: Nothing that would indicate involuntary spasms.
George: Well, it's kind of a mystery, isn't it?
Doctor: No, not really.
George: How so?
Doctor: May I suggest the possibility that you're faking?
George: Faking? What makes you think that I have time to see doctors, take X-rays, make appointments, when there's absolutely nothing wrong with me? What kind of a person would do a thing like that?
Doctor: I don't know what kind of a person would do something like that. Obviously a very sick person. A very immature person. A person who has no regard for wasting other people's valuable time. Good-bye.
George: Now, see here, doctor.
Doctor: I said, good-bye.
George: Fine. [stands up, hits elbow on table] Ow!

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: How did I gain eight?
Elaine: I don't get it. I, I've been doing the same exercises. I haven't been eating anything different.
Jerry: Me, either. Wait a second. Wait a second. Maybe it's that yogurt.
Kramer: No, no, no. That's hundred percent yogurt.
Jerry: Well, how else could this have happened?
Kramer: Well, maybe it's the Oreos.
Elaine: I don't eat Oreos.
Kramer: You don't eat Oreos? The way you break them open? You're practically having sex with them.

Quote from Frank Costanza

Frank Costanza: Tommy Tune is a very good dancer. You ever see Tommy Tune dancing?
George: No.
Estelle Costanza: I like tap dancing.
Frank Costanza: Tap dancing. Anyone can tap dance. It's all in those shoes.
Estelle Costanza: Are you kidding? They practice for years, those people.
George: What's for supper?
Estelle Costanza: Somebody's at the door.
Frank Costanza: Tommy Tune is very tall. That helps. It makes him lankier.

Quote from Jerry

Maryedith: Well, I hope you're satisfied.
Jerry: What?
Maryedith: Every word out of my son's mouth now is [beep], [beep], [beep]. You know what he said to me five minutes ago? Where's my [beep]ing cupcake?
Jerry: Gee, I'm really sorry.
Maryedith: He wants to be like you because you're a comedian. Maybe you could talk to him?
Jerry: I'd be happy to.
Maryedith: Thank you.
Jerry: Ah, Mary, we've been eating a lot of your husband's yogurt at the yogurt place. Does that have any fat in it?
Maryedith: No [beep]ing way!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: You can't take the chemist out.
Kramer: Why not?
Jerry: Because she's like the jury. She's got to be sequestered.
Kramer: I'm not taking her out just to influence the results.
Jerry: Well, I think the whole thing stinks.
Elaine: It smells. Smells bad. Smells really bad.
Jerry: That's enough.
Elaine: What?
Jerry: Well, with the smells.

Quote from George

George: Oh, look, he's going to ask you about my arm. So, just tell him I banged it against a desk. And it's been moving involuntarily ever since.
Elaine: I can't say that.
George: Why not?
Elaine: What if I like him? I'm going to start out lying to this guy?
George: So, you're taking his side?
Elaine: No. But what if we get married or something? We'll always have that between us.
George: Already you're marrying this guy?
Elaine: You never know.
George: All right, believe me, you're not going to marry him.
Elaine: All right. Well, then what if we become a couple, George? Every time we see you you're going to be walking around going like this? Even you can't keep that up.
Jerry: No, I believe he can.

Quote from Jerry

Maryedith: You know Jerry.
Matthew: Of course, he's the funny [beep]er.
Maryedith: See!
Jerry: Listen, Matthew, I want to explain something to you. Now, cursing is not something that most comedians do.
Matthew: You did it.
Jerry: That's true. But it was an accident. And I haven't done it since. And I would never do it again. And if you continue cursing, you'll never become a comedian like me when you grow up. [phone rings] Excuse me one second.
Elaine: [to George] You know, Lloyd advises Dinkins on everything he does.
George: [to Elaine] Yeah, yeah. Big advisor.
Elaine: He tells him which soap to use.
[Matthew pulls the tape out of Jerry's cassette]
Jerry: What the [beep] are you doing? You little piece of [beep].

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Oh, did you hear about that Dinkins?
Elaine: No. What about him?
Kramer: You didn't hear?
Elaine: Nuh-uh.
Kramer: He's proposing a plan where everyone in the city should wear name tags.
Jerry: Name tags?
Kramer: Yeah! So people can go around saying "hello" to one another. Jerry Oh, I see. So you can go, "Hey, you know who I saw wilding today? Herb!" He's becoming a laughing stock! You know The Times has already stated it could cost him the election. Name tags! [laughs]

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Hey, look, wait a second, Kramer, turn that up.
Kramer: Okay.
[on TV news:]
Newscaster: Rudy Giuliani, who underwent a physical last week, received some startling news today when his cholesterol count turned out to be a whopping 375. What effect this will have on the
minds of the voters remains to be seen. In another development, Mayor Dinkins has fired his top advisor, Lloyd
Braun, who is believed to be responsible for the name tag fiasco. We now take you to Giuliani headquarters where Rudy Giuliani is about to make a statement.
Rudy Giuliani: It's hard to understand. Because I've been doing everything I normally do. I've been watching my diet very carefully. I exercise regularly. My only indulgence, I guess, would be that I eat a lot of frozen yogurt. But it's non-fat.
[in the apartment:]
Jerry: Non-fat yogurt? Oh, my god. They got Giuliani and he doesn't even know it.
Elaine: Now look what you've done.
Jerry: Well, we've got to do something. I'm calling Giuliani's headquarters.

Quote from Jerry

Estelle Costanza: Quiet! Quiet! They're starting the news conference.
[on TV broadcast:]
Rudy Giuliani: My campaign staff has received some very disturbing information regarding the fat content in yogurt that's being sold throughout the city. I pledge to you now, that if I'm elected mayor, as my first order of business I'll appoint a special task force to investigate this matter. I promise you, my fellow New Yorkers, that Mayor Giuliani will do everything possible to cleanse this city of this falsified non-fat yogurt.

Quote from Newman

Jerry: The old yogurt was so much better. Oh, this is terrible.
George: Feh.
Elaine: Oh, it stinks.
Kramer: Mine, too. I got one more day.
Jerry: I can't eat this.
Newman: Hey, Jerry. Thanks a lot. I hope you're happy.
Jerry: It had fat in it, it's not good for you.
Newman: I don't care. It was good. I was enjoying it. Had to interfere. Couldn't leave well enough alone. Well, I will get even with you for this. You can count on it.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: There's nothing more fun than cursing when you're a kid. I mean, it's like getting the keys to the car, isn't it? You're doing something you're not supposed to do. And that's all you want. And there's nothing less fun than when you're an adult and having to use those wholesome curses. Fudge! Sugar! Consarnit! What the hell is "consarnit" anyway? I mean, you stub your toe and say "consarnit", you might as well say "Yipee!"


 Episode 506 Episode 508 
  Select another episode