Kramer: That is damn good scotch. I could do a commercial for this stuff. Mmm. Boy, that Hennigan goes down smooth. And afterwords you don't even smell. That's right folks. I just had three shots of Hennigan's and I don't smell. Imagine, you can walk around drunk all day. That's Hennigan's, the no-smell, no-tell scotch.
George: [enters] Hello everybody.
Kramer: Hey, George. [pulls George tight] I'm going to tell you what I think. Oh, I know you don't care what I think, but I'm going to tell you. I think that you are terrific. That's all. Mmm!
George: [uncomfortably] Thank you?

Elaine: Hey, George, did you buy that sweater knowing that red dot was on it because you could get it at a discount?
George: What? Did I what?
Elaine: You did, didn't you?
George: Elaine, I'm... I'm shocked. I'm shocked. Here I go out in the spirit of the season and spend all my savings to buy you the most beautiful Christmas sweater I have ever seen to show my appreciation to you at Christmas and this is the thanks that I get at Christmas.
Elaine: Well, Jerry told me that you did.
George: You told her? How could you tell her? Oh, you just squealed on me? What kind of friend are you?
Jerry: I didn't tell her, you stupid idiot. She tricked you.

Mr. Breckman: No, no, no. I mean authors.
George: Well, a lot of good ones. Lot of good ones. I don't even want to mention anyone because I'm afraid I'm going to leave somebody out.
Mr. Breckman: Name a couple.
George: Who do I like? I, like... uh, Art... Vandelay.
Mr. Breckman: Art Vandelay?
George: He's an obscure writer. Beatnik, you know, from the village.
Mr. Breckman: What's he written?
George: Venetian Blinds.

Jerry: He's a recovering alcoholic.
George: Really?
Jerry: Yeah. He's been off the wagon for two years.
George: "Off the wagon"?
Jerry: I think it's off the wagon.
George: I think it's "on the wagon".

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Every mall has a Hoffritz in it. I'm sorry, it's gotta be a little bit of a scary place to work. I don't know how you feel about it. You want to be standing in there, having people coming in all day going, "I need knives. I need more knives. Do you have any bigger knives? I'd like a bigger knife. A big, long, sharp knife. That's what I'm in the market for. I like them really sharp. Do you have one with hooks and gouges like blades and kind of serrated? That's the kind of knife I'm looking for. I need one I can throw. I need another one I can just hack away with. Do you have anything like that?"

Jerry: Oh yeah, like you know what you're talking about.
George: Oh no, you do?
Jerry: Well, what do you think? They put the statue on a giant raft and a tugboat pulled it all the way from France?
George: What do you think? The brought it over in pieces and screwed it together like a coffee table?
Jerry: I don't know. It's too early for a Christmas party isn't it?
George: Why did France give that to us anyway?
Jerry: It was a gift.
George: So countries just exchange gifts like that?
Jerry: If they like each other.

Jerry: I never feel comfortable in the women's department. I feel like I'm just a little too close to trying on a dress.
George: Do I really have to buy her something?
Jerry: Hey, the woman got you a job. The least you could do is buy her a gift. How about this?
George: What is that? Is that cashmere?
Jerry: Yeah. She would love cashmere.
George: Who doesn't like cashmere? Find me one person in the world that doesn't like cashmere. It's too expensive.

Kramer: Say you got a big job interview, and you're a little nervous. Well, throw back a couple shots of Hennigan's and you'll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time. And because it's odorless, why, it will be our little secret. (singing) H-e-double n-i...
Jerry: Kramer, that'll do.

Kramer: What's that red dot on your sweater?
Elaine: What?
George: Just take it off. I'm getting hot just looking at it.
Elaine: Uh. This. It's like a red dot.
George: What red dot? What are you talking about? Jerry come here for a second. Do you see anything here?
Jerry: Uh, I don't know. Uh, I don't know.
Elaine: What don't you know?
Jerry: I don't know.
Elaine: Well, do you see it or don't you?
Jerry: Ahem. Say that again?
Elaine: Do you see it or don't you?
Jerry: Do I see it... or don't I? That's the question. [goes a drinks a shot of Scotch] Now, what did you ask me again.

Elaine: Hey, let me ask you something something. Did George buy that sweater knowing the red dot was on it because it was cheaper? [Jerry is uncomfortable] Okay, you just gave me the answer.
Jerry: No, I didn't.
Elaine: Yes, you did. Yes, you did. I saw your expression.
Jerry: I didn't have an expression. I have a deviated septum. I have to open my mouth sometimes to breathe.
Elaine: How much did he save?
Jerry: Frankly, I am shocked that you would ask such a question of me. That you would think... The only surprise is how you could even think of that. That's what you were seeing.