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‘The Bizarro Jerry’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Seinfeld: The Bizarro Jerry

803. The Bizarro Jerry

Aired October 3, 1996

When Elaine decides to just be friends with Kevin, she is introduced to the "bizarro world" clones of George and Kramer. George uses Susan's death to try meet women. Meanwhile, Kramer pretends to work at a prestigious firm.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Breakfast. I gotta be in at Brandt-Leland by 9.
Jerry: Why?
Kramer: Because I'm working there, that's why.
Jerry: How long have I been asleep? What year is it?
Kramer: Look, Jerry, I don't know if you've noticed, but lately I've been drifting aimlessly.
Jerry: Now that you mention it...
Kramer: But I finally realized what's missing in my life. Structure. And at Brandt-Leland, I'm getting things done. And I love the people I'm working with.
Jerry: How much are they paying you?
Kramer: No, no, no. I don't want any pay. I'm doing this just for me.
Jerry: Clearly. So, what do you do down there all day?
Kramer: TCB. You know, taking care of business. I gotta go. I'll see you tonight. Forget my briefcase.
Jerry: Well, what do you got in there?
Kramer: Crackers.

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Quote from George

Jerry: All right, how about this? Let's say you're abducted by aliens.
George: Fine.
Jerry: They haul you aboard the mothership, take you back to their planet as a curiosity. Now, would you rather be in their zoo or their circus?
George: I gotta go zoo. I feel like I could set more of my own schedule.
Jerry: In the circus, you get to ride on the train, see the whole planet.
George: I'm wearing a little hat. I'm jumping through fire. Putting their little alien heads in my mouth.
Jerry: At least it's show business.
George: Yeah. But in the zoo, you know, they might put a woman in there with me... to, you know, get me to mate.
Jerry: What if she's got no interest in you?
George: Then I'm pretty much where I am right now. Just got to take a ride on a spaceship.

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: I had to ask Kevin to leave his office and come and pick me up.
Jerry: Well, what are friends for?
Elaine: Yes. And he is a friend, Jerry. He's reliable, he's considerate, he's like your exact opposite.
Jerry: So he's Bizarro Jerry.
Elaine: Bizarro Jerry?
Jerry: Yeah, like Bizarro Superman. Superman's exact opposite who lives in the backwards Bizarro World. Up is down, down is up. He says hello when he leaves, goodbye when he arrives.
Elaine: Shouldn't he say "badbye"? Isn't that the opposite of goodbye?
Jerry: No, it's still goodbye.
Elaine: Does he live underwater?
Jerry: No.
Elaine: Is he black?
Jerry: Look, just forget the whole thing, all right?

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Wow, man. What a day. Could I use a drink!
Jerry: Tough day at the office?
Kramer: People kept coming in, and that phone just wouldn't stop.
Jerry: We better get going if we're gonna go to that 7:00 Hall of Fusion.
Kramer: Yeah, well, count me out. I'm swimming in it. Old man Leland is busting my hump over these reports. If I don't get them done by 9, I'm toast. [drinks scotch, gags] All right, I have to go. Oh, and listen, could you keep it down to a low roar? Some of us have to work in the morning. Thanks.

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: Hey, wait a second. Where you going? I hardly ever see you anymore.
Elaine: Well, l... I guess I've been at Reggies.
Jerry: The Bizarro coffee shop?
Elaine: Kevin and his friends are nice people. They do good things. They read.
Jerry: I read.
Elaine: Books, Jerry.
Jerry: Oh. Big deal.
Elaine: I can't spend the rest of my life coming into this stinking apartment every 10 minutes to pore over the excruciating minutiae of every single daily event.
Jerry: Why not? Like, yesterday, I went to the bank to make a deposit and the teller gives me this look...
Elaine: I'll see you later, man. I gotta go. [exits]
Jerry: The whole system is breaking down.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: What? What do you guys want?
George: I've got to have another picture of Gillian.
Jerry: I tried to get him one, but man-hands almost ripped my arm out.
George: You could have got it.
Jerry: I could not.
[As Kramer gulps down some Pepto-Bismol, Elaine looks back to the bizarro group who are giving money to a homeless man]
Elaine: Guys, I gotta go. Take it easy.
George: Elaine? Can I come?
Elaine: I'm sorry. We've already got a George.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: What did you wanna see me about, Mr. Leland?
Leland: Kramer, I've been reviewing your work. Quite frankly, it stinks.
Kramer: Well, l.... I've been having trouble at home. And uh... I mean, you know, I'll work harder, nights, weekends, whatever it takes.
Leland: No. No. I don't think that's going to do it. These reports you handed in, it's almost as if you have no business training at all. I don't know what this is supposed to be.
Kramer: Well, I'm just trying to get ahead.
Leland: Well, I'm sorry. There's just no way that we could keep you on.
Kramer: But I don't even really work here.
Leland: That's what makes this so difficult.

Quote from Kramer

Office Manager: Good work today, K-Man.
Kramer: Yeah, well, you know what they say: You don't sell the steak, you sell the sizzle. Who's up for drinks? I'm buying.
Office Manager: In that case, make mine a double.

Quote from George

Kramer: George, why couldn't I use the bathroom in that store?
George: Kramer, trust me, this is the best bathroom in Midtown.
Jerry: He knows.
George: It's right in there, on the left. Exquisite marble, high ceilings and a flush like a jet engine.
Kramer: Now, listen, you better not wait. I'll catch you later.
George: You sure?
Kramer: He knows.

Quote from George

George: You know, if I told my engagement story to that receptionist, but told her this was my fiancee...
Jerry: What?
George: Don't you see? Women like that are like members of a secret tribe living in a forbidden city. People like me have not been inside in thousands of years. But with this, it's like I've already been with one of her own. My hand's been stamped. I come and go as I please.
Elaine: Well, you've cracked it. I warned the queen you were getting close and, now it looks like we're gonna have to move the whole damn forbidden city.
George: Can I keep this?
Elaine: No, I need it.
George: Thanks.

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