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‘The Bizarro Jerry’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Bizarro Jerry

803. The Bizarro Jerry

Aired October 3, 1996

When Elaine decides to just be friends with Kevin, she is introduced to the "bizarro world" clones of George and Kramer. George uses Susan's death to try meet women. Meanwhile, Kramer pretends to work at a prestigious firm.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: It's 8 in the morning. What the hell is going on?
Kramer: Breakfast. I gotta be in at Brandt-Leland by 9.
Jerry: Why?
Kramer: Because I'm working there, that's why.
Jerry: How long have I been asleep? What year is it?
Kramer: Look, Jerry, I don't know if you've noticed, but lately I've been drifting aimlessly.
Jerry: Now that you mention it...
Kramer: But I finally realized what's missing in my life. Structure. And at Brandt-Leland, I'm getting things done. And I love the people I'm working with.
Jerry: How much are they paying you?
Kramer: No, no, no. I don't want any pay. I'm doing this just for me.
Jerry: Clearly. So, what do you do down there all day?
Kramer: TCB. You know, taking care of business.
Kramer: I gotta go. All right, then. I'll see you tonight. Forget my briefcase.
Jerry: Well, what do you got in there?
Kramer: Crackers.

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Quote from George

Jerry: All right, how about this? Let's say you're abducted by aliens.
George: Fine.
Jerry: They haul you aboard the mothership, take you back to their planet as a curiosity. Now, would you rather be in their zoo or their circus?
George: I gotta go zoo. I feel like I could set more of my own schedule.
Jerry: In the circus, you get to ride on the train, see the whole planet.
George: I'm wearing a little hat. I'm jumping through fire. Putting their little alien heads in my mouth.
Jerry: At least it's show business.
George: Yeah. But in the zoo, you know, they might put a woman in there with me... to, you know, get me to mate.
Jerry: What if she's got no interest in you?
George: Then I'm pretty much where I am right now. Just got to take a ride on a spaceship.

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: I had to ask Kevin to leave his office and come and pick me up.
Jerry: Well, what are friends for?
Elaine: Yes. And he is a friend, Jerry. He's reliable, he's considerate, he's like your exact opposite.
Jerry: So he's Bizarro Jerry.
Elaine: Bizarro Jerry?
Jerry: Yeah, like Bizarro Superman. Superman's exact opposite who lives in the backwards Bizarro World. Up is down, down is up. He says hello when he leaves, goodbye when he arrives.
Elaine: Shouldn't he say "badbye"? Isn't that the opposite of goodbye?
Jerry: No, it's still goodbye.
Elaine: Does he live underwater?
Jerry: No.
Elaine: Is he black?
Jerry: Look, just forget the whole thing, all right?

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Wow, man. What a day. Could I use a drink!
Jerry: Tough day at the office?
Kramer: People kept coming in, and that phone just wouldn't stop.
Jerry: We better get going if we're gonna go to that 7:00 Hall of Fusion.
Kramer: Yeah, well, count me out. I'm swimming in it. Old man Leland is busting my hump over these reports. If I don't get them done by 9, I'm toast. [drinks scotch, gags] All right, I have to go. Oh, and listen, could you keep it down to a low roar? Some of us have to work in the morning. Thanks.

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: Hey, wait a second. Where you going? I hardly ever see you anymore.
Elaine: Well, l... I guess I've been at Reggies.
Jerry: The Bizarro coffee shop?
Elaine: Kevin and his friends are nice people. They do good things. They read.
Jerry: I read.
Elaine: Books, Jerry.
Jerry: Oh. Big deal.
Elaine: I can't spend the rest of my life coming into this stinking apartment every 10 minutes to pore over the excruciating minutiae of every single daily event.
Jerry: Why not? Like, yesterday, I went to the bank to make a deposit and the teller gives me this look...
Elaine: I'll see you later, man. I gotta go. [exits]
Jerry: The whole system is breaking down.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: What? What do you guys want?
George: I've got to have another picture of Gillian.
Jerry: I tried to get him one, but man-hands almost ripped my arm out.
George: You could have got it.
Jerry: I could not.
[As Kramer gulps down some Pepto-Bismol, Elaine looks back to the bizarro group who are giving money to a homeless man]
Elaine: Guys, I gotta go. Take it easy.
George: Elaine? Can I come?
Elaine: I'm sorry. We've already got a George.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: What did you wanna see me about, Mr. Leland?
Leland: Kramer, I've been reviewing your work. Quite frankly, it stinks.
Kramer: Well, l.... I've been having trouble at home. And uh... I mean, you know, I'll work harder, nights, weekends, whatever it takes.
Leland: No. No. I don't think that's going to do it. These reports you handed in, it's almost as if you have no business training at all. I don't know what this is supposed to be.
Kramer: Well, I'm just trying to get ahead.
Leland: Well, I'm sorry. There's just no way that we could keep you on.
Kramer: But I don't even really work here.
Leland: That's what makes this so difficult.

Quote from Kramer

Office Manager: Good work today, K-Man.
Kramer: Yeah, well, you know what they say: You don't sell the steak, you sell the sizzle. Who's up for drinks? I'm buying.
Office Manager: In that case, make mine a double.

Quote from George

Kramer: George, why couldn't I use the bathroom in that store?
George: Kramer, trust me, this is the best bathroom in Midtown.
Jerry: He knows.
George: It's right in there, on the left. Exquisite marble, high ceilings and a flush like a jet engine.
Kramer: Now, listen, you better not wait. I'll catch you later.
George: You sure?
Kramer: He knows.

Quote from George

George: You know, if I told my engagement story to that receptionist, but told her this was my fiancee...
Jerry: What?
George: Don't you see? Women like that are like members of a secret tribe living in a forbidden city. People like me have not been inside in thousands of years. But with this, it's like I've already been with one of her own. My hand's been stamped. I come and go as I please.
Elaine: Well, you've cracked it. I warned the queen you were getting close and, now it looks like we're gonna have to move the whole damn forbidden city.
George: Can I keep this?
Elaine: No, I need it.
George: Thanks.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: [on the phone] So the picture worked. Amazing!
George: Hey, she wants me to dress smart casual. What...? What is that?
Jerry: I don't know, but you don't have it.

Quote from Elaine

Bizarro George: I got it.
Bizarro Kramer: You got it last time.
Bizarro George: Don't worry about it.
Elaine: This is unbelievable.
Bizarro Kramer: Say, Elaine, what do you think of an alarm clock that automatically tells you the weather when you wake up?
Elaine: Well, I gotta say, I think that that is a fantastic idea, Feldman.
Bizarro Kramer: Nah, I don't know. It's not practical.
Kevin: Well, see you later, Elaine. Feldman and I gotta get down to the library.
Elaine: What are you gonna do down there?
Kevin: Read.
Elaine: [waves as they leave] Hello.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Kramer, put the paper down. You never listen to me anymore. We hardly even talk.
Kramer: Well, we're talking now, aren't we?
Jerry: I see you 20 minutes in the morning...
Kramer: Oh, here we go.
Jerry: And when you come home you're exhausted. We never do anything anymore.
Kramer: What are you starting with me for? You know this is my crazy time of year.
Jerry: It's your third day.
Kramer: I gotta go to work. We'll talk about this later.
Jerry: Well, call if you're gonna be late.

Quote from Jerry

Kramer: Jerry. Hey, Jerry?
Jerry: I'm right here. [Kramer flicks the lights on] You're late.
Kramer: Yeah, well, I got held up, you know. What happened to your hand?
Jerry: Like you care.
Kramer: Work piled up, I lost track of the time.
Jerry: Oh, sure. Sure. You and your work. Elaine's off in the Bizarro World, George only calls when he wants something, and I'm left sitting here like this chicken. Which, by the way, was for two.
Kramer: What? You cooked?
Jerry: I ordered in. It's still effort.

Quote from Elaine

Kevin: Who is it?
Bizarro Kramer: [o.s.] Feldman. From across the hall.
Kevin: Hold on. [opens door] Hey.
Bizarro Kramer: Hey, Kevin. Look who I ran into.
Bizarro Newman: Hello, Kevin.
Kevin: Hello, Vargas. [they laugh and shake hands] Wanna catch a game this weekend?
Bizarro Newman: Great. I'll see you later.
Kevin: Okay. Vargas!
Bizarro Kramer: Well, I got them.
Kevin: All right. Hey, Elaine, Feldman was able to get us all tickets to the Bolshoi. [Elaine gasps] Fourth row, center.
Elaine: Get out! [pushes Kevin, who falls to the floor]
Bizarro Kramer: What's the matter with you?
Elaine: Oh, Kevin. I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?
Bizarro George: Haven't you done enough already?
Elaine: I'll just... [gets her bag; tries to open the door] It's... It's locked.

Quote from Elaine

Bizarro George: At work, I discovered a pay phone in the lobby that has free long distance.
Kevin: Oh, so, what did you do?
Bizarro George: I called the phone company and immediately reported the error.
Kevin: Nice. [doorbell] Who is it?
Bizarro Kramer: [o.s.] Feldman. From across the hall.
Kevin: Hold on.
Bizarro Kramer: Kevin. Brought you some groceries.
Kevin: Again? Feldman, you didn't have to do that.
Bizarro Kramer: Hey, what are friends for?
Kevin: You know, I may not say this enough... but you two are about the best friends a guy could have. [they hug] Me so happy. Me want to cry.


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