Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The Wife’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Wife

517. The Wife

Aired March 17, 1994

Jerry and Meryl (guest star Courteney Cox) pretend to be married to get a discount on dry-cleaning. Elaine can't work out whether a guy at the gym is interested in her or not. Meanwhile, George is seen doing something distasteful in the gym shower.

Quote from George

George: Well, what was I supposed to do? Get out of the shower, put on my bathrobe? Go all the way down to the other end? Come all the way back?
Elaine: Did you ever hear of... holding it in?
George: Oh, no... No, that's very bad for the kidneys.
Elaine: How do you know?
George: Medical journals!
Jerry: Do the medical journals mention anything about standing in a pool of someone else's urine?

Rate

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I think of all the places that you go all the time, the dry-cleaning relationship is one of the most bizarre. Because you keep giving each other the same thing, back and forth, over and over again. He gives it to you, you give it to him, he gives it back to you. It's like it's half his shirt, in a way. He has it as much as you do. You ought to go shopping with him. "What do you think of this shirt?" "That would look good with a light starch." The only warning label people really respect is "dry-clean only." You know what I mean? Speed limits, lung cancer, cigarette warnings - your very life is at stake! People go, "Ah, the hell with it!" But dry-clean only? "Oh, don't put that in the wash! It's dry-clean only! Are you crazy?!"

Quote from George

Elaine: Mmm, what happened?
George: Nothing, I said it was a little problem.
Elaine: Yeah? What was it?
George: Well, I was in the locker room showering, and I... I had to go, so...
Jerry: Here we go.
George: Anyway, I think the guy in the shower opposite saw me. He even gave me a dirty look.
Elaine: You went... in the shower?
George: Yeah, so what? I'm not the only one!

Quote from George

George: Could it be because you don't want him to know that you have a friend who pees in the shower, is that it?!
Elaine: No, that's not it!
George: Oh, I think it is! I think that's exactly what it is!
Elaine: Why couldn't you just wait?
George: I was there! I saw a drain!
Elaine: Since when is a drain a toilet?!
George: It's all pipes! What's the difference?!
Elaine: Different pipes go to different places! You're gonna mix 'em up!
George: I'll call a plumber right now!

Quote from Elaine

George: Talk to him.
Elaine: How can I do that?
George: You said the guy gave you an open-lipped kiss.
Elaine: [enunciating each word] Yes, but then he wiped his hand on the top of the bottle when I offered him water!
George: Well, that doesn't mean anything.
Elaine: Are you kidding? That's very significant. If he was interested in me, he'd want my germs. He'd just crave my germs.

Quote from Jerry

Meryl: Well, I guess I get it too, because I'm his wife.
Marty: I didn't know you were married.
Jerry: Oh, yeah. You've never met my wife, Meryl? Meryl Seinfeld.
Marty: Sure, you get the discount, too.
Jerry: You might regret that, because the money my wife spends on clothes...
Meryl: I'm taking him to the cleaners!
Jerry: Ah. See the sense of humor? Come 'ere, I'm so nuts about you... [hugs Meryl] I tell you, it was fun being single, but when you meet a woman like this, you don't walk to get married, you run!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: You know, and I'll tell you, I'm really enjoying this marriage thing. You think about each other. You care about each other. It's wonderful! Plus, I love saying "my wife." Once I started saying it, I couldn't stop. "My wife" this, "my wife" that. It's an amazing way to begin a sentence.
Kramer: "My wife has an inner ear infection."
Jerry: See?
Kramer: I like that!

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hey, Elaine, what do you say if neither of us is married in ten years, we get hitched?
Elaine: Let's make it fifty.
Kramer: We're engaged!

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: I mean, maybe he wants to ask me out.
Jerry: I don't know why you're interested in this guy, he's a jerk.
Elaine: Because, he doesn't pay any attention to me, and he ignores me.
Jerry: Yeah, so?
Elaine: I respect that.

Quote from Kramer

Elaine: Do you go in the shower?
Jerry: No, never.
Elaine: Do you?
Kramer: I take baths.

Quote from Uncle Leo

Marty: So, if you or your wife want to drop by on Wednesday, it should be ready.
Uncle Leo: Your wife?
Jerry: Yeah. My wife.
Uncle Leo: What are you talking about?
Jerry: Uh... I got married.
Uncle Leo: You got married? I wasn't invited? Nobody sends me an invitation?
Jerry: Well, it was sudden.
Uncle Leo: Are you ashamed of your uncle? Do I embarrass you?
Jerry: No, no, it was a small ceremony.
Uncle Leo: Haven't I always been a good uncle?
Jerry: Yes, yes, you have.
Uncle Leo: Who told you when you went to school that you print well?
Jerry: You did, you did.
Uncle Leo: When he was younger, he had a beautiful penmanship. I used to encourage him to print.
Jerry: I'm a good printer.
Uncle Leo: I remember your 'V.' It was like a perfect triangle. Whoa, there's my bus! [rushes out]

Quote from Morty Seinfeld

Helen Seinfeld: [on the phone with Jerry] Jerry, we just heard, what's going on?
Morty Seinfeld: [also on the line] Why the hell didn't you tell us?
Jerry: Listen, Ma...
Meryl: It was in here yesterday!
Jerry: Yeah, that's what I said!
Helen Seinfeld: Who is she? When did this happen?
Morty Seinfeld: I told her you'd get married. She thought you'd never do it.
Helen Seinfeld: Morty, you're talking too loud.
Morty Seinfeld: I'm not talking loud!
Helen Seinfeld: You're hurting my eardrum.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Got any coffee?
Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: Oh, boy. [walks into the kitchen, stumbles to the ground]
Jerry: I'll get it, I'll get it! Take it easy. Why are you so tired?
Kramer: My quilt is still at the cleaners. Jerry, I can't sleep without my quilt. Like the other night? I was cold. So, last night, I turn up the heat, it's too hot. I open up a window, it's too cold. I can't get into a zone!

Quote from George

George: What happened? Did he bring it up?
Elaine: Never mind that, look at the signal I just got.
George: Signal? What signal?
Elaine: Lookit. He knew I was gonna use the machine next, he didn't wipe his sweat off. That's a gesture of intimacy.
George: I'll tell you what that is. That's a violation of club rules. Now I got him! And you're my witness!
Elaine: Now wait a second, George! Listen! He knew what he was doing. This was a signal.
George: A guy leaves a puddle of sweat, that's a signal?
Elaine: Yeah! It's a social thing.
George: What if he left you a used Kleenex, what's that, a Valentine? Now, you go up to him and you tell him that if he's thinking of turning me in, that I got the goods on him!
Elaine: No! I won't be a party to this.
George: So you're gonna let me get suspended for shower urination?
Elaine: Okay, I'll talk to him. But you're putting me in a very difficult position.

Quote from Elaine

Greg: Oh good, there he is. I wanna be able to point him out.
Elaine: You know, Greg, I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Greg: Why?
Elaine: Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it a violation of club policy to not wipe down a machine after using it? [chuckles]
Greg: Oh, I see. You're friends with the urinator, aren't you?
Elaine: Yeah, well... At least he had a drain.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: To me, the thing about marriage is I can't believe how often it happens. I mean, I like the idea of it. But I can't believe that many people are meeting people that they want to see every single day, every day, every day, every day, every day. That should happen, like, three or four times in, you know, a whole century. Like any major investment, you have to sign a marriage contract. Here's your person. If you're a man, the bride's family pays for the wedding, that's like getting cashback. "Till death do us part", that's like the extended warranty program. Then you give her the ring, that's the keys. You slide it on, start him up, but you've got to try and make it work. Because remember, your value drops 20 percent the minute you drive each other off the lot.


 Episode 516 Episode 518 
  Select another episode