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‘The Wife’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Seinfeld: The Wife

517. The Wife

Aired March 17, 1994

Jerry and Meryl (guest star Courteney Cox) pretend to be married to get a discount on dry-cleaning. Elaine can't work out whether a guy at the gym is interested in her or not. Meanwhile, George is seen doing something distasteful in the gym shower.

Quote from George

George: Well, what was I supposed to do? Get out of the shower, put on my bathrobe? Go all the way down to the other end? Come all the way back?
Elaine: Did you ever hear of... holding it in?
George: Oh, no... No, that's very bad for the kidneys.
Elaine: How do you know?
George: Medical journals!
Jerry: Do the medical journals mention anything about standing in a pool of someone else's urine?

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Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I think of all the places that you go all the time, the dry-cleaning relationship is one of the most bizarre. Because you keep giving each other the same thing, back and forth, over and over again. He gives it to you, you give it to him, he gives it back to you. It's like it's half his shirt, in a way. He has it as much as you do. You ought to go shopping with him. "What do you think of this shirt?" "That would look good with a light starch." The only warning label people really respect is "dry-clean only." You know what I mean? Speed limits, lung cancer, cigarette warnings - your very life is at stake! People go, "Ah, the hell with it!" But dry-clean only? "Oh, don't put that in the wash! It's dry-clean only! Are you crazy?!"

Quote from George

Elaine: Mmm, what happened?
George: Nothing, I said it was a little problem.
Elaine: Yeah? What was it?
George: Well, I was in the locker room showering, and I... I had to go, so...
Jerry: Here we go.
George: Anyway, I think the guy in the shower opposite saw me. He even gave me a dirty look.
Elaine: You went... in the shower?
George: Yeah, so what? I'm not the only one!

Quote from George

George: Could it be because you don't want him to know that you have a friend who pees in the shower, is that it?!
Elaine: No, that's not it!
George: Oh, I think it is! I think that's exactly what it is!
Elaine: Why couldn't you just wait?
George: I was there! I saw a drain!
Elaine: Since when is a drain a toilet?!
George: It's all pipes! What's the difference?!
Elaine: Different pipes go to different places! You're gonna mix 'em up!
George: I'll call a plumber right now!

Quote from Elaine

George: Talk to him.
Elaine: How can I do that?
George: You said the guy gave you an open-lipped kiss.
Elaine: [enunciating each word] Yes, but then he wiped his hand on the top of the bottle when I offered him water!
George: Well, that doesn't mean anything.
Elaine: Are you kidding? That's very significant. If he was interested in me, he'd want my germs. He'd just crave my germs.

Quote from Jerry

Meryl: Well, I guess I get it too, because I'm his wife.
Marty: I didn't know you were married.
Jerry: Oh, yeah. You've never met my wife, Meryl? Meryl Seinfeld.
Marty: Sure, you get the discount, too.
Jerry: You might regret that, because the money my wife spends on clothes...
Meryl: I'm taking him to the cleaners!
Jerry: Ah. See the sense of humor? Come 'ere, I'm so nuts about you... [hugs Meryl] I tell you, it was fun being single, but when you meet a woman like this, you don't walk to get married, you run!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: You know, and I'll tell you, I'm really enjoying this marriage thing. You think about each other. You care about each other. It's wonderful! Plus, I love saying "my wife." Once I started saying it, I couldn't stop. "My wife" this, "my wife" that. It's an amazing way to begin a sentence.
Kramer: "My wife has an inner ear infection."
Jerry: See?
Kramer: I like that!

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hey, Elaine, what do you say if neither of us is married in ten years, we get hitched?
Elaine: Let's make it fifty.
Kramer: We're engaged!

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: I mean, maybe he wants to ask me out.
Jerry: I don't know why you're interested in this guy, he's a jerk.
Elaine: Because, he doesn't pay any attention to me, and he ignores me.
Jerry: Yeah, so?
Elaine: I respect that.

Quote from Kramer

Elaine: Do you go in the shower?
Jerry: No, never.
Elaine: Do you?
Kramer: I take baths.

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