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‘The Tape’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Tape

308. The Tape

Aired November 13, 1991

Jerry is intrigued when he finds a sexy message left by a woman on his tape recorder. Meanwhile, George tries to regrow his hair with a miracle formula from China.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: The transplant, the hair plug is an interesting procedure. It really is quite amazing. Hair that was on your shower soap yesterday, could be in your head tomorrow. How did they do the first transplant? Did they have the guy take a shower, get his soap, rush it in there by helicopter, you know, keep the soap alive on the soap support system? They eventually move it other. "We got the hairs but I think we lost the Zest." Sometimes the body rejects the transplant with organs. Is it possible that a head could reject the hair transplant? The guy's just standing there and suddenly... Bink! It lands in someone's frozen yogurt.

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Quote from Jerry

George: What do the Chinese have to gain by faking a cure for baldness?
Jerry: If it was real, they would never let it out of the country. Imagine no baldness. It would be like a nation of supermen.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: So did you hear this message?
George: Oh. [chuckles] It was unbelievable
Elaine: Really?
George: Yeah. I can't get over it.
Elaine: Huh! Sexy?
George: This woman drove us out of our minds.
Elaine: Like, uh, how did she sound?
George: She had this throaty, sexy kind of whisper.
Elaine: Really? Like uh... Like uh... [leans over and whispers to George] Jerry, I want to slide my tongue around you like a snake. [moans]
George: Oh, my God! You?! You?! That was you! How did you-
Elaine: I stopped at the club to see him, and I was standing in the back while he was on, right? And there was this tape recorder there and I... got this impulse. [laughs]

Quote from George

George: Hey! Did you ever do that thing on the toes that I said?
Jerry: Huh?
George: Yeah. Like the big toe is like the captain of the toes, but sometimes the toe next to the big toe gets so big that there's like a power struggle and the second toe assumes control of the foot.
Jerry: The "coup d'e-toe"
George: Yeah. Did you do it?
Jerry: Yeah!
George: So?
Jerry: Nothing. Nothing at all.

Quote from George

George: Excuse me. Do you speak Chinese?
Ping: Chinese? Yeah.
George: Oh, look. Um, I'm on with Beijing at the hair restoration clinic. Um, could you talk to them for me and tell them I'd like to place an order?
Ping: [talks in Mandarin, laughs]
George: They got a billion people over there. He found a relative.
Ping: [to George] If you send money they send cream.
George: They send me? Aw right. Ask them, does it really work?
Ping: They say you grow hair. Look like Stalin.
George: Ask them, are there any side effects?
Ping: Impotence. [laughs]
George: Aw! Funny. He's a funny guy.
Ping: Get a money order from the Bank of China. Be here three days after they get check.
[As an excited George walks off, Ping sits down and continues the phone call while perusing a magazine]
Ping: [talks in Mandarin]
Jerry: Excuse me. [Ping looks up] Kind of an expensive call.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Ah-ha! Who do these women think they're dealing with? Did she think she was gonna leave this incredibly erotic message on my tape and I was just gonna let it go? [in an accent that sounds more Australian] Not bloody likely.
Kramer: What is that?
Jerry: That's my Cockney accent.
Kramer: Nah, nah, that's no good.
Jerry: Let's hear yours.
Kramer: [more Scottish accent] Not bloody likely!
Jerry: That's the worst Cockney accent I've ever heard in my life.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Remember that guy who took my jacket? The one I found at my mother's house?
Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: My mother told me that he got arrested for mail fraud.
Jerry: No kidding?
Kramer: He's in jail.
Jerry: What happened to the jacket. Did he take it with him?
Kramer: That's what I intend to find out.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: A woman left a message on my phone machine the other day with kind of a breathy voice. No matter what a woman says, if it's in that breathy voice... "You have cancer." "Really?" Sounds pretty good. The stewardess could lean over and whisper in my ear: "Would you put on your seatbelt? We're about to go into a mountain." And I would go, "Really? So what are you doing later by the ruptured remains of the fuselage. How about some peanuts over by the black box."

Quote from Jerry

Repairman: You see, the gaskets that you have here are asymmetrical.
Jerry: [slightly removes headphones] Uh-uh. Really.
Repairman: So I took off the motor relay on the compressor, 'cause you... you... you've got some discoloration.
Jerry: Oh! well whatever you have to do.
Repairman: I was working with one mount at a time, 'cos you don't wanna disturb the position of the compressor.
Jerry: No, you don't.

Quote from George

George: Need to use the phone.
Jerry: Who you calling?
George: China.
Jerry: China really?
George: Yeah, I'll pay for it.
Jerry: What for?
George: What for? I'll tell you what for. For hair.
Jerry: Hair?
George: The Chinese have done it my friend. The Chinese have done it.
Jerry: Done what?
George: Discovered the cure for baldness.
Repairman: Did you see that last night?
George: It was on CNN. This Chinese doctor, Zang Zhao, has discovered a cure for baldness.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: What's this?
Kramer: Well, I just got it. Spector gave it to me. He's giving everything away. He's becoming a minimalist.
George: Is that the guy who likes fat women?
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: Doesn't the fat fetish conflict with the minimalism?

Quote from George

Jerry: I can't believe what I'm hearing. This woman his talking to me on my tape recorder while I was on stage. This is wild. I've never heard anything like this in my life. Listen to this.
George: [takes the headphones] Oh, my God.
Kramer: Give me it.
George: Wa- Wait. Wait! Who is this woman?
Jerry: I don't know. I have no idea. I was just listening and she came on.
George: This is like a Penthouse letter. Why can't I meet women like this?

Quote from George

Elaine: What's happening?
Jerry: Tell her. I wanna hear her reaction.
George: This woman left this really sexy message on Jerry's tape recorder......
Jerry: Not that, you idiot!
George: What?
Jerry: The Chinese. The Chinese bald cure.
George: I thought you meant the...
Jerry: No, I meant the bald cure. We were talking about the bald cure.

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: So listen. What about this girl on the tape recorder?
Jerry: Oh, Elaine. What do you think an enraptured female fan of mine might say?
Elaine: I don't know.
Jerry: She went on in some detail about certain activities, illegal in some states, for consenting adults. Things you would know very little about.
Elaine: Oh, really.
Jerry: Well, this type of things is very common when you're in show business.
Elaine: Uh-huh. So what, are you gonna ask her out?
Jerry: No, I can't she didn't leave her name or number.
Elaine: Bummer. Okay, good luck finding her. I'm taking off.

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: I don't get it. Why would a woman do that and then leave no way to get in touch with her.
Elaine: [emerges from the bathroom in a robe] Maybe she realized she could never have you and she jumped off the George Washington Bridge.

Quote from George

George: [on the phone] Operator? Beijing?
Jerry: Why are you doing this?
George: Why do I do anything? [scoffs] For women.
Jerry: Elaine have you ever gone out with a bald man?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: You know what that makes you? A baldist.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Well, we're talking with Elaine Benes; Adult film star on the set of her new picture "Elaine does the Upper West Side"
Elaine: [to the camera] Hi. How are you doin'?
Kramer: I'm doin' fine.

Quote from Jerry

Kramer: Whoa, here's the director, Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry , you discovered Elaine Benes?
Jerry: Well, yes, I did. That's true. A couple of a guys I knew in the coastguard told me about her. And I sensed that she had the anger and intensity that I needed to make this film work.

Quote from Elaine

Kramer: So what scene are you ready to shoot now, Elaine?
Elaine: In this scene my co-star, who's right over here, follow me, is George Costanza. He plays an airline pilot who's just returned from Rome and I'm about to show him how much I've missed him.

Quote from Elaine

Kramer: So, George, is this your first movie with Elaine?
George: I...I..I dunno.
Kramer: So, Elaine, in your movies is the sex real or is it simulated?
Elaine: Oh, it's always simulated, except with George. That's in my contract.

Quote from George

George: I have to say, you were really good doing that porno thing. You're talented.
Elaine: I was just kidding, around.
George: I thought the thing you said about the sex not being simulated... That was really funny.
Elaine: Yeah, that was fun...
George: So, I'll speak to you through Jerry and everything.
Elaine: Okay. Thanks a lot for the ride.
George: Yeah, any time.
[After Elaine gets out of the car, George tries to catch his breath]

Quote from George

George: Listen I know you're skeptical, but I really believe in the Chinese.
Jerry: Yes, I am skeptical.
George: Why do you have to be so suspicious of every one? This is a great man, Zang Zhao. He wants to help bald people.

Quote from George

Jerry: Well, you can see it. You gonna walk around like that?
Kramer: It stinks. Can you smell that? You stink.
Jerry: How long are you suppose to leave it on for?
George: All day.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: How often do you cut your toe nails?
Jerry: I would say every two-and-a-half to eight weeks.
Kramer: 'cos the other night, you know, I was sleeping with Marion I rolled over and I cut her ankle with my big toe.
Jerry: The big toe. The captain.
Kramer: What?
Jerry: The captain of the toes.

Quote from Jerry

Kramer: So?
Jerry: I don't get this woman. We're having a great time, couple of laughs. Everything's nice. At the end of the night I go for a little contact, I get the pull back. This woman said the filthiest things I've ever heard in my life. I get the pull back.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Kramer. I would like to talk to George for a minute, please.
Kramer: About what?
Jerry: It's kinda private.
Kramer: Like the big toe captain.
George: So now you're doing my bit?
Jerry: I'm not doing your bit.

Quote from George

Jerry: Does she know?
George: No!
Jerry: How did it happen?
George: I can't say.
Jerry: Well, why can't you say it?
George: Because I promised her.
Jerry: I thought you just said she doesn't know?
George: She doesn't.
Jerry: So how can you promise her?
George: Because she asked me to.
Jerry: What is this, an Abbott and Costello routine?

Quote from Jerry

George: All right, you really want to know? It all started when she told me that... she was the voice on your tape recorder.
Jerry: What, Elaine?
George: Yeah. She made me promise not to tell you. It's supposed to be a joke.
Jerry: [picks up the headphones] That was Elaine?
George: Yeah, let me hear...
Jerry: Wait a second. Just give me a second
George: You heard it fifty times already.
Jerry: She's my ex-girlfriend, I think I have precedence.

Quote from George

Jerry: What are you doing here?
Elaine: I was the one who talked into your tape recorder.
Jerry: I know, George told me.
Elaine: You told him?!
George: He... He threatened me.


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