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‘The Tape’ Quotes Page 1 of 3    

Seinfeld: The Tape

308. The Tape

Aired November 13, 1991

Jerry is intrigued when he finds a sexy message left by a woman on his tape recorder. Meanwhile, George tries to regrow his hair with a miracle formula from China.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: The transplant, the hair plug is an interesting procedure. It really is quite amazing. Hair that was on your shower soap yesterday, could be in your head tomorrow. How did they do the first transplant? Did they have the guy take a shower, get his soap, rush it in there by helicopter, you know, keep the soap alive on the soap support system? They eventually move it other. "We got the hairs but I think we lost the Zest." Sometimes the body rejects the transplant with organs. Is it possible that a head could reject the hair transplant? The guy's just standing there and suddenly... Bink! It lands in someone's frozen yogurt.

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Quote from Jerry

George: What do the Chinese have to gain by faking a cure for baldness?
Jerry: If it was real, they would never let it out of the country. Imagine no baldness. It would be like a nation of supermen.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: So did you hear this message?
George: Oh. [chuckles] It was unbelievable
Elaine: Really?
George: Yeah. I can't get over it.
Elaine: Huh! Sexy?
George: This woman drove us out of our minds.
Elaine: Like, uh, how did she sound?
George: She had this throaty, sexy kind of whisper.
Elaine: Really? Like uh... Like uh... [leans over and whispers to George] Jerry, I want to slide my tongue around you like a snake. [moans]
George: Oh, my God! You?! You?! That was you! How did you-
Elaine: I stopped at the club to see him, and I was standing in the back while he was on, right? And there was this tape recorder there and I... got this impulse. [laughs]

Quote from George

George: Excuse me. Do you speak Chinese?
Ping: Chinese? Yeah.
George: Oh, look. Um, I'm on with Beijing at the hair restoration clinic. Um, could you talk to them for me and tell them I'd like to place an order?
Ping: [talks in Mandarin, laughs]
George: They got a billion people over there. He found a relative.
Ping: [to George] If you send money they send cream.
George: They send me? Aw right. Ask them, does it really work?
Ping: They say you grow hair. Look like Stalin.
George: Ask them, are there any side effects?
Ping: Impotence. [laughs]
George: Aw! Funny. He's a funny guy.
Ping: Get a money order from the Bank of China. Be here three days after they get check.
[As an excited George walks off, Ping sits down and continues the phone call while perusing a magazine]
Ping: [talks in Mandarin]
Jerry: Excuse me. [Ping looks up] Kind of an expensive call.

Quote from George

George: Hey! Did you ever do that thing on the toes that I said?
Jerry: Huh?
George: Yeah. Like the big toe is like the captain of the toes, but sometimes the toe next to the big toe gets so big that there's like a power struggle and the second toe assumes control of the foot.
Jerry: The "coup d'e-toe"
George: Yeah. Did you do it?
Jerry: Yeah!
George: So?
Jerry: Nothing. Nothing at all.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Ah-ha! Who do these women think they're dealing with? Did she think she was gonna leave this incredibly erotic message on my tape and I was just gonna let it go? [in an accent that sounds more Australian] Not bloody likely.
Kramer: What is that?
Jerry: That's my Cockney accent.
Kramer: Nah, nah, that's no good.
Jerry: Let's hear yours.
Kramer: [more Scottish accent] Not bloody likely!
Jerry: That's the worst Cockney accent I've ever heard in my life.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Remember that guy who took my jacket? The one I found at my mother's house?
Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: My mother told me that he got arrested for mail fraud.
Jerry: No kidding?
Kramer: He's in jail.
Jerry: What happened to the jacket. Did he take it with him?
Kramer: That's what I intend to find out.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: A woman left a message on my phone machine the other day with kind of a breathy voice. No matter what a woman says, if it's in that breathy voice... "You have cancer." "Really?" Sounds pretty good. The stewardess could lean over and whisper in my ear: "Would you put on your seatbelt? We're about to go into a mountain." And I would go, "Really? So what are you doing later by the ruptured remains of the fuselage. How about some peanuts over by the black box."

Quote from Jerry

Repairman: You see, the gaskets that you have here are asymmetrical.
Jerry: [slightly removes headphones] Uh-uh. Really.
Repairman: So I took off the motor relay on the compressor, 'cause you... you... you've got some discoloration.
Jerry: Oh! well whatever you have to do.
Repairman: I was working with one mount at a time, 'cos you don't wanna disturb the position of the compressor.
Jerry: No, you don't.

Quote from George

George: Need to use the phone.
Jerry: Who you calling?
George: China.
Jerry: China really?
George: Yeah, I'll pay for it.
Jerry: What for?
George: What for? I'll tell you what for. For hair.
Jerry: Hair?
George: The Chinese have done it my friend. The Chinese have done it.
Jerry: Done what?
George: Discovered the cure for baldness.
Repairman: Did you see that last night?
George: It was on CNN. This Chinese doctor, Zang Zhao, has discovered a cure for baldness.

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