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‘The Watch’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Watch

406. The Watch

Aired September 30, 1992

When Jerry goes out for a meal with Uncle Leo and his parents, the watch he threw away becomes a talking point. Meanwhile, George tries to patch things up with NBC, and Elaine asks Kramer to pretend to be her boyfriend to help her break up with her shrink.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: It's an entire industry of bad gifts, aren't they? All those executive gifts. Any stupid, goofy, brass, wood thing, they put a piece of green felt on the bottom. "It's a golf, desk, tie and stress organizer, Dad." But to me, nothing compares with the paperweight as a bad gift. There's no better way than a paperweight to express to someone that, "I refuse to put any thought into this at all." Where are these people working that the papers are just blowing right off of their desks? What, are their desks screwed to the back of a flat-bed truck going down the highway or something? What, are they typing up in the crow's nest of a clipper ship? What do you need a paperweight for?

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Quote from George

Susan Ross: He said, "We've got five hundred shows to choose from. Why should we give two guys who have no idea and no experience more money?"
George: He was pretty emphatic?
Susan Ross: Pounded on his desk.
George: Pounded?
Susan Ross: I told you to take the offer.
George: Look I, I uh, I had nothing to do with this. It wasn't my decision. It was Jerry! Jerry told me no. I'm the creative guy. He handles the business end.
Susan Ross: You said it was insulting.
George: I was quoting him. Why would I be insulted? I'm never insulted. You could call me "baldy", dump soup on my head. Nothing insults me.

Quote from Kramer

Elaine: Okay, so he just wants to talk to you. I couldn't talk him out of it. So you just tell him that you're my boyfriend and that we're in love, okay. Can you do that?
Kramer: Yeah, yeah, okay. I'm your boyfriend.
Elaine: Okay.
Kramer: Have we been intimate?
Elaine: Yeah. Yeah, we've been intimate.
Kramer: All right, how often do we do it?
Elaine: Kramer, how is that important? Honestly, do you really think he's gonna ask you that?
Kramer: Elaine, he's a psychiatrist. They're interested in stuff like that.
Elaine: All right, all right. We do it, uh... five times a week, okay?
Kramer: Ooh, baby.

Quote from Kramer

Elaine: All right, listen. Just tell me something, what are you gonna say?
Kramer: I know what I'm gonna say.
Elaine: No, no, but I would like to hear it.
Kramer: No, no. I don't wanna say it out loud. Kills the spontaneity. You know, Gleason, he never rehearsed.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: [on the phone] Doctor, uh Reston, is he in? Well, this is Kramer and, uh, he's expecting my call. [sings] Johnny was a rebel. He rode through the land. [talks] Ah, yes, uh, Doctor Reston. Uh, well, hello there. Ah, yeah, well, I'm a good friend of Elaine's...
Elaine: [quietly] No, no. Not friends.
Kramer: Well, actually, uh... We're, uh, we're not friends... Uh, we're, uh, we're much more than friends... And, uh, I'm afraid we have a bit of a problem. Well, the point is, doctor... Uh, I'm very much in love with Elaine... And, uh, she's very much in love with me, and... Uh, well... Uh, we would, uh, appreciate it if you would cease and desist, and allow us to pursue our courtship unfettered. If not, I can assure you, doctor, that I can make things very
unpleasant for you and your staff. If you have one. Yes. Yeah, but the point that I... [listens]Ah, ye... Well, no... Uh, yeah, that's possible... Well, I suppose I could, but I'd have to shift a few things around, uh... Hold on for a second, will you? Uh... [grabs a pad] Uh, go ahead, yeah. [makes a note] All right, uh... Yeah, yeah, okay. I look forward to it too. Oh, okay. So long. [hangs up]
Elaine: What happened? What'd he say? What's going on here?
Kramer: Uh, okay now. He uh, you know, he uh, wants to get together.
Elaine: Get together!?!
Kramer: He wants to talk.
Elaine: Well, why didn't you say no!!
Kramer: Wha...? Uh... That's interesting.

Quote from Morty Seinfeld

Jerry: Will you let me pay just once?
Morty Seinfeld: You're out of your mind.
Jerry: How you gonna pay? You don't even have a wallet!
Morty Seinfeld: Don't worry about it.
Jerry: What are you gonna do?
Morty Seinfeld: What's the difference? We'll figure something out.
Helen Seinfeld: You're not paying.
Jerry: All right, fine. You figure something out. I'd be very curious to know how you pick up a check with no money. 'cause if this works, the whole monetary system's obsolete, we're back to wampum. (standing) I'm going to the bathroom. [walks away]
Morty Seinfeld: How the hell am I gonna pay for this?

Quote from Morty Seinfeld

Morty Seinfeld: You don't understand. I can't allow my son to pay for me. Look, as soon as I get back to Florida, I promise you I'll mail you a check.
Maitre d': Why don't you just let him pay, and then you can pay him back?
Morty Seinfeld: No, no, he won't let me do that.
Maitre d': Why don't you just put the money in his pants pocket, unsuspectingly?
Morty Seinfeld: He could wash them.
Maitre d': Monsieur, we are running a reputable business.
Morty Seinfeld: Don't tell me about business! I sold raincoats for thirty-five years!
Maitre d': Aha, but you did not give them away, did you?
Morty Seinfeld: You don't understand my...
Maitre d': Ah, monsieur, I cannot get involved with you and your family, ah.

Quote from Kramer

Elaine: Now, look, don't take too long.
Kramer: Look at this building. What is this?
Elaine: I don't know. It's a building.
Kramer: The door's on a diagonal.
Elaine: So what?
Kramer: It's architecturally incorrect.

Quote from George

George: Is this a bad time? I hope I'm not disturbing anything.
Russell: We were about to sit down to dinner. [George signals he's sorry but makes no effort to leave] This is Cynthia.
George: Oh. Oh, hi, hi. Hi. Nice to meet you. What are you having, veal?
Russell: No.
George: Looks like veal.
Russell: It's not veal.
George: Well, it's a good looking piece of meat. [laughs nervously] Wow, this is some place. A duplex, huh? Look at this, you got stairs in an apartment. All my life, I dreamed about having steps in an apartment. Even one step. Sunken living room. Although, one step is really not all that sunken.
Russell: Who gave you my address?
George: No, that's a fair question. It is, um... [nervous chuckle] Jerry, yeah. [to Cynthia] Jerry's a friend of mine. He, uh, he gave it to me. Unbelievable how many addresses of people this guy has.
George: He's got Marlon Brando's. I could go to Marlon Brando's house if I really wanted.
[Cynthia gets up and always away, eyeing George as she passes by]
George: Course, I wouldn't, I mean uh, the guy is, uh... Well, obviously, the guy has his problems.

Quote from George

Russell: So, what's the surprise? You wanna talk about the show?
George: Well, you know, it's really very funny, because you know what we got here, really? We really, really, just have a terrible misunderstanding. You see, when I passed on the deal, I thought that's what Jerry wanted me to say. You know, I, I misinterpreted.
Cynthia: Russell, where's the TV Guide?
George: Oh, what time is it? Eight thirty? I'll tell you what's on. You got Major Dad. Blossom, very funny program.
Russell: Blossom's on Monday.
George: Are you sure? Oh, look who I'm talking to. The president of NBC.

Quote from George

Russell: Look Mr. Costanza, it's too late now anyway. I already made a deal with another writing team.
George: All right, all right. Look, we're people, you and me, huh? Businessmen. Colleagues, if I may. Let's not quibble. We'll do it for the thirteen thousand. Thirteen thousand, and I never came up here, we never talked, all right? You take good care. [heading to the door] It was nice seeing you again, and nice meeting you. [to Cynthia] Cynthia, right? [opens the door]
Russell: All right, now look. These deals are already made.
[George closes the door and heads back inside]
George: All right, let me just say this. Ten thousand dollars. All right, and now I'm going below what you wanted to pay. You have your dinner, have your veal, or whatever it is. Enjoy... [about to leave]
Russell: Mr. Costanza.
George: All right, that's it. All right, good, eight thousand dollars. [to Cynthia] Cynthia, again, nice meeting you. Have I commented on the shoes? I love suede, it's so thick and rich. Did you ever, you ever rub it against the
grain? All right, anyway... [heads to the door again]
Cynthia: Russell, can we eat?
Russell: All right, eight thousand.
George: You've made Jerry very happy.
[George backs out of the door, which Russell firmly closes behind him, before there's a slight knock. Russell opens the door once more.]
George: May I just use your bathroom for a moment?

Quote from Uncle Leo

Jerry: All right, two hundred, but that's as high as I can go. I really think you're being unreasonable here!
Uncle Leo: Jerry, I'd give you the watch. It's not the money, I happen to like it.
Jerry: Look, I happen to know how much that watch cost. It's a sixty dollar watch, you paid forty to get it fixed. That's a hundred dollars. I'm offering you two hundred!
Uncle Leo: I've never seen a band like this.
Jerry: Oh, right. Three hundred, plus fifty for the repair. Three fifty, that's it!
Uncle Leo: You have it on you?
Jerry: Yeah, I think I do. [under his breath] This is unbelievable.
[Morty walks in]
Morty Seinfeld: What the hell is going on here?

Quote from George

Jerry: So what'd we get?
George: [smiles] Eight thousand dollars.
Jerry: Beautiful!
George: [quietly] That's uh, for the two of us.
Helen Seinfeld: Four thousand apiece?
Jerry: Let me see if I understand this. In other words, you held out for... less money.
George: I was wrong, you were right.
Jerry: You know, the basic idea of negotiation, as I understand it, is to get your price to go... up.
George: You're smart, I'm dumb.
Jerry: You know, this is how they negotiate in the bizarro world.

Quote from Morty Seinfeld

George: Yeah, like he was really gonna take your money.
Jerry: Oh, he took it. I put four hundred dollars in the new wallet.
George: You're kidding.
Jerry: He lost all that cash. It was the only way I could give it back to him, otherwise he wouldn't accept it.
George: Man, would I like to see the look on his face.
[Jerry gives his parents a final wave. They wave back.]
Morty Seinfeld: You believe this?
Helen Seinfeld: What?
Morty Seinfeld: It's Velcro.
Helen Seinfeld: You're kidding.
Morty Seinfeld: Who needs this? [throws it in the trash] Leo, let's go.
[As Helen and Morty get in Leo's car, he passes by the trash can and gives it a second look. He sees the new wallet and pockets it.]

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: The main difference between the women's wallet and the man's wallet is the photo section. True? Women carry with them a photograph of every person they've ever met, every day in their whole lives, since the beginning of time. And every picture is out of date. You know what I mean? It's, "Here's my cousin, three years old. She's in the marines now." "This is my dog. He died during the Johnson administration." You know. You get stopped by a cop, no licence, no registration. "Here's fifty-six people that know me." Cop goes. "All right, ma'am, just wanted to make sure you had some friends, move it along. Routine pal check."


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