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‘The Puerto Rican Day’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Puerto Rican Day

920. The Puerto Rican Day

Aired May 7, 1998

On their way back from a baseball game, Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer get stuck in traffic.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: You want to get outta here? Here's what we do. We leave the car here, we take the plates off, we scratch the serial number off the engine block, and we walk away.
Jerry: Walk away?
Kramer: You've got insurance. You tell them that the car was stolen, and then you get another one free.
Jerry: Isn't there a deductible?
Kramer: All right, what is your deductible?
Jerry: I don't know.
Kramer: Yes, because they've already deducted it.
Jerry: From what?
Kramer: The car, which we're leaving. So the net is zero. See you pocket the money, if there is any, and you get a new car.

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Quote from Jerry

Mrs. Nyhart: Would you like to see the rest of the apartment, Mister, um--
Jerry: Uh... Varnsen. Kel Varnsen. Actually, this room intrigues me. Why is it called the TV room?
Mrs. Nyhart: Well, it's--
Jerry: [at TV] Balk?! How was that a balk?! You have any snacks?
Mrs. Nyhart: Mr. Varnsen, if you like the apartment, I should tell you I've also had some interest from a wealthy industrialist.
Jerry: Not Pennypacker.
Mrs. Nyhart: You know him?
Jerry: I wish I didn't. Brace yourself, madam, for an all-out bidding war. But this time, advantage Varnsen!

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Uh, well, uh, here--here is good.
Cab Driver: Oh, yeah, sure, and now I'm gonna be stuck here. But you knew the way to go. You went to college.
Elaine: Hey, I went to Tufts! That was my safety school. So don't talk to me about hardship.

Quote from Kramer

Mrs. Nyhart: Did the broker send you over?
Kramer: Uh, yes, most likely. Yes. I'm, uh, H.E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy industrialist and philanthropist and, uh, a bicyclist. Yes, I'm looking for a place where I can settle down with my, uh, peculiar habits, and, uh, the women that I frequent with. [sniffs wall] Mmm. Mombasa, hmm?
Mrs. Nyhart: The asking price is $1.5 million.
Kramer: Oh, I spend that much on after shave. Yes, I buy and sell men like myself every day. Now, I assume that there's a waterfall grotto?
Mrs. Nyhart: No.
Kramer: How about a bathroom?
Mrs. Nyhart: It has 4.
Kramer: Yes, and where would the absolute nearest one be?
Mrs. Nyhart: Just down the hall.
Kramer: Oh, thank you.

Quote from Kramer

Mrs. Nyhart: Right this way, Mr. Vandelay.
George: Well, this is a lovely apartment. Lovely! My kids are gonna go crazy. I, uh, I wonder if I could see the bathrooms. Preferably one with some paint thinner and, uh, some rags?
Mrs. Nyhart: It's down the hall.
Jerry: Oh, hello...
George: Art.
Jerry: Mr. Vandelay, of course.
Mrs. Nyhart: You two know each other? [Kramer bursts in through the door] Mr. Pennypacker!
Kramer: Uh, yes, uh, I--I wanted to, uh, stop by and make sure that my shark tank fits-- Uh, hello.
Mrs. Nyhart: Mr. Pennypacker, this is Mr. Vandelay, And you know Mr. Varnsen.
Kramer: Varnsen.
Jerry: Pennypacker.
Kramer: Vandelay.
George: Pennypacker. Varnsen.
Jerry: Vandelay. Wait a second. Mr. Pennypacker, if you're here, and Mr. Vandelay is also here, then who's watching the factory?
Kramer: The factory?
Jerry: The Saab factory?
Kramer: Jerry, that's in Sweden.

Quote from George

George: So I saw that new movie about the Hindenburg.
Elaine: Oh, yeah. What's that called?
George: Blimp: The Hindenburg Story.
Jerry: How was it?
George: I found it morose. Why dwell on these negative themes?
Jerry: Yeah. They should make a movie about all the Hindenburg flights that made it.
George: Anyway, right in the middle, the ship blows up-- burning debris, bodies falling-- and then just as this eerie silence settles over the airfield, I yelled out, "That's gotta hurt!"
Jerry: Heh.
George: The place went nuts.
Jerry: Imagine the laugh you could have gotten if you'd yelled that out at the actual disaster.
George: Yeah.

Quote from Kramer

George: Man, I'm starving.
Elaine: How can you be hungry after what you ate at that Mets game?
George: Because ballpark food doesn't count as real food.
Jerry: Right. It's just an activity. It's like that paddle with the ball and the rubber band.
Kramer: You know, my friend Bob Saccamano made a fortune off of those. See, he came up with the idea for the rubber band. Before that, people would just hit the ball, and it would fly away.

Quote from Elaine

Announcer: [on radio] And the Mets score two in the eighth inning.
Jerry: See? If we had stayed, we could have seen those runs.
George: I could have had some ice cream. I think that might have calmed down the nachos.
Elaine: I'm going to miss 60 Minutes. You know, I hate to miss 60 Minutes. It's part of my Sunday weekend wind-down.
Jerry: I don't know how you can unwind with that clock ticking. It makes me anxious.

Quote from George

Kramer: Wow. He's givin' you a mustache. Where is this guy?
George: Don't look around. Don't look around. That's what he wants.
Elaine: All right. Well, I'll see you. Hey, George, I think there's a sniper looking to pop you.
George: This thing can't hurt me, can it? I mean, it is a laser. What if it hits my eye?
Jerry: I don't know.
George: I can't be blind, Jerry. The blind are courageous.
Kramer: You'll be fine as long as it doesn't hit you right in the pupil. Because then the whole ball will go up like the Death Star.

Quote from George

Jerry: I can't believe you all made me leave before the end of the game.
Elaine: Oh, come on, Jerry. It was nine to nothing. We were getting shellacked.
George: Those nachos are killing me.
Elaine: I thought you were hungry.
George: It's complicated.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Well, the streets are all blocked. I think every Puerto Rican in the world is out here.
Puerto Rican Man: Well, it is our day.
Kramer: Whoo. Wrong car. Sorry.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hey, Jerry. You know who the grand marshal is of this thing? None other than Miss Chita Rivera.
Jerry: They're not letting me in.
George: My hand is out.
Jerry: Well, I think we're gonna need more than a hand. They have to see a human face.
Elaine: You sure you want his face?
Kramer: No, no, no. It was Maria Conchita Alonso.

Quote from George

George: This guy's giving me the stare-ahead.
Jerry: The stare-ahead. I hate that. I use it all the time.
George: Look at me! I am man! I am you!
[When the man looks over, Elaine mouths "Hi. Can we go in?"]
George: All right, he's letting you in. Thank you! Creep.
Kramer: Oh! I know who it is. Stacy Keach.

Quote from Elaine

Lamar: Oh, look who's here. It's my old buddy, black Saab.
Jerry: Maroon Golf.
Lamar: Where you going, black Saab? You seem to be a tad askew.
Jerry: Could you move your car back a little?
Lamar: Oh. Sorry. I seem to have cut you off.
Elaine: All right, I think I know where this is going, and I am going somewhere else.
Jerry: You can't do that. You can't just leave the group.
Elaine: I've been trying to leave this group for 10 years. Vaya con dios.
Kramer: Con dios? Well, that's rude.

Quote from George

Jerry: Can you believe her?
George: Yeah. I'll see you later.
Jerry: Where are you going?
George: The movies. Blimp is playing right there.
Jerry: You're going to that again? Why? Just to do that stupid line?
George: It's a performance, Jerry. Like what you do.
Jerry: That's not what I do.
George: Isn't it?
Jerry: Maybe a little. Ah, hell, I guess it is.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Look at that guy's dog. I hate it when their ears get flipped inside out like that. Why doesn't he fix it? [yelling out the cabbie's window] Hey! Fold your dog's ear back!

Quote from George

Man: Gimme a box of those and one of those.
George: Excuse me, are you the guy with that funny laser?
Man: The laser's not funny. I'm funny.
George: Yeah. The thing is, I, uh...I had this little zinger of my own I wanted to try.
Man: Uh-huh.
George: It's right in the explosion scene. So if you could just, leave me a little window. You know, my, uh, my aunt had a thing removed with a laser. All right, I don't want to interrupt your meal, so...

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: We're not leaving the car!
Kramer: All right. If you refuse to grow up and scam your insurance company, you'll have to work this out with maroon Golf.
Jerry: Absolutely not. He sped up.
Announcer: [on radio] Swung on, line hard toward left center field. That's in the gap, that's a base hit.
Jerry: I'm ready to talk.

Quote from George

Woman #1: Hey! There's that laser guy again.
Woman #2: He's funny. I never meet anyone funny.
Woman #1: I know. A sense of humor is so much more important to me than looks or hair.
Woman #2: Mmm, yeah.
[As there's an explosion on the screen, the laser pointer darts around. The audience laugh.]
George: That's gotta hurt!
[The audience falls silent]
George: It's gotta hurt! Hurt! Because... argh! [stands up] Damn you, laser guy! You had to grab it all with your lowbrow laser shtick! You're just a prop comic! Where's the craft?!
[The laser guy points it on George's head]
Woman #1: Look! It's on the bald guy.
Woman #2: I am so glad we came to this showing.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Okay, here's the deal. He wants you to acknowledge that you cut him off with an "I am sorry" wave.
Jerry: What's that?
Kramer: You raise the hand, lower the head - "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The buttons are really big on the car. I don't understand it. I haven't read the manual. Ooh!" You get my drift.
Jerry: Okay. [does the wave]
Lamar: "Hallelujah. Praise the lord." But I'll take it.
Kramer: Yes! All right, Lamar, back it up a little bit so we can get out now.

Quote from George

George: All right. At last, we're finally getting out of here.
Jerry: What's that on your forehead?
George: It's probably chocolate.
Jerry: Hey, is that one of those laser pointers?
Kramer: Hey, Jerry, crank up the Floyd. It's a George laserium!
George: All right, stop it! Stay away from my breasts! Chest!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: See you around, maroon Golf. And, by the way, that was an "I'm not sorry" wave.
Lamar: What was that?
Jerry: I'm glad I cut you off, because black Saab rules! So long, jackass!
[As Jerry attempts to pull into the one-way street, the taxi carrying Elaine comes out in the opposite direction]
Jerry: Elaine?!
Elaine: Jerry?!
Lamar: Jackass? So I'm a jackass now?

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: So if everyone would just put their cars in reverse at the same time, we can do this. All right, on the count of three. Can everyone hear me? Hey, amigo, are you paying attention?
Puerto Rican Man: Buenos dias, my friend.
Jerry: Not you! The guy in the Amigo.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Elaine, why did you have the cab come down the street?! We were almost out!
Lamar: So that was your girlfriend that blocked you in. That's real good.
Elaine: I'm not his girlfriend. Well, actually, we used to date, but not anymore.
Jerry: Elaine, he doesn't need-
Lamar: Used to date? So I guess you found out he's a jackass.
Jerry: Because that's what's gonna happen.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Hey, everyone. This way. I think we can get out through here.
Man: Oh, I don't know if that's such a good idea.
Elaine: Look. No one knows how long this parade is gonna last! They are a very festive people. All I know is that it's Sunday night, and I have got to unwind! Now who's with me?!

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Oh, don't worry. We'll get you home to your husband real soon.
Pregnant Woman: I'm not married.
Elaine: Well, I, for one, really respect that.
Pregnant Woman: Oh, thank you.
Elaine: [to the elderly couple] Hey! Guess who's not married.
Older Man: Is the boyfriend still in the picture?
Elaine: Come on, father, you can make it.
Father: No, I can't. I've got a bad hip. Go on without me.
Elaine: No, I won't.
Father: Leave me, you must.
Elaine: All right. Take it easy. [to the others] All right, we can move faster without Father O'Gimpy.
Father: I heard that!

Quote from Jerry

Lamar: You know, I don't think I've ever seen a man driving a Saab convertible. Still haven't.
Jerry: Ho ho!

Quote from George

Jerry: What seems to be the problem, officer?
George: They're for protection, Jerry. Can you tell where I'm looking?
Jerry: At me?
George: No.
Jerry: Oh. It's back.
George: Bring it on, baby
Jerry: What if it gets in the side?
George: The side?
Jerry: Yeah. Wouldn't it just bounce back and forth between your cornea and the mirror, faster and faster, getting more and more intense, until finally- [George takes the glasses off] All right!
Jerry: Oh. It's in your eye now.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hola, Jerry. I'm into this Puerto Rican day. The sights, the sounds, the hot, spicy flavor of it all. It's caliente, Jerry.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Let us out. There's an unmarried pregnant woman down here.
Pregnant Woman: [o.s.] Don't judge me.
Elaine: Help us up so we can cross the street?
Police Officer: Nah, nah. You can't cross here. There's a parade.
Elaine: But we've come so far. We just want to unwind.
Police Officer: Hey, what can I tell you? [puts the wooden plank down]
Business Man: Wanna make out some more?
Elaine: Oh, god! Let us out!

Quote from Kramer

Man: Hey! There's a guy burning the Puerto Rican flag!
Bob: Who? Who is burning the flag?!
Kramer: Oh, no.
Bob: Him?!
Cedric: That's not very nice.
Kramer: It was an accident.
Bob: Do you know what day this is? Because I know what day this is, they know what day this is, so I was wondering if you know what day this is!
Cedric: Because it's Puerto Rican day.
Bob: Maybe we should stomp you like you stomp the flag! What do you think of that?
Kramer: Now look, I just have one thing to say to you boys. Mama! [runs off screaming]

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: My car!
Kramer: Well, you know, it's like this every day in Puerto Rico.
George: Jerry, the Mets lost.
Jerry: I love a parade.

Quote from Kramer

[Jerry, George and Kramer are on the sidewalk looking at Jerry's black Saab, which is crammed in the stairwell to a below street-level apartment]
George: How do you suppose they did that?
Kramer: Well, there's no logical explanation. All right. Well, shall we go home?
Jerry: Well, what about my car?
Kramer: Well, Jerry, you can't deduct it now.

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: Hey, there's Elaine.
Elaine: Hey.
Jerry: Well, you look, uh...relaxed.
Elaine: Well, it is Sunday night, and you know how I like to unwind.

Quote from Jerry

Lamar: Hey, black Saab. Looks like that building cut you off! Ha ha ha! See you around! He drives off.
Jerry: Well, at least he didn't-
Lamar: [o.s.] Jackass!
Jerry: [sets alarm] Somebody remember where we parked.
Kramer: Well, this was a fun day. It's nice to get out.


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