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‘The Cheever Letters’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Cheever Letters

408. The Cheever Letters

Aired October 28, 1992

George and Susan must break the news to her father that his cabin burned down. Meanwhile, Jerry offends Elaine's assistant, and Kramer searches for a new supply of Cuban cigars.

Quote from George

Mrs. Ross: Doesn't George look like your sister, Sarah?
Mr. Ross: A slight resemblance.
Mrs. Ross: Her son's a podiatrist, you know.
George: Oh, I have tremendous respect for people who work with feet. I mean, to dedicate yourself to the foot. You're toiling in virtual anonymity. I mean...

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Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: There's this whole talking during sex business. I mean, what are we doing here? The question is... Does the talking really improve the sex, or is the sex act now just there to spice up the conversation? Of course, eventually, I'm sure people will get too tired, too lazy, even for phone sex. They'll start having phone machine sex, you know. "Yeah, I want you really bad. Just leave it on the tape." And then I guess the phone company will come out with sex waiting. I guess that will be the new thing. "Yeah, hold on, honey. I've got another call." "Oh, hi, baby. One second." "Honey, I've got to take this. Yeah, I've got sex waiting on the other line and I've got to take this."

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I don't think people think of their office as a workplace. I think people think of it as a stationery store with Danish. You know what I mean? You wanna get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home. Why do people who work in offices have pictures of their family on their desk facing them? Do they forget that they're married? Do they go, "All right, 5:00. Time to hit the bars and pick up some hookers. Hold it a second, I got a wife and three kids. I better get home. I completely forgot."

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: You're meeting the father for the first time?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: Well, you'll make quite an impression on him when you tell him how you burned his cabin down.
George: I didn't burn it down. Kramer did!
Jerry: I mean, the whole thing is ironic. Think of it. Here the guy is nice enough to give you a box of very fine Cuban cigars..
George: Yeah, I know what happened.
Jerry: No, but wait, wait: And then you dump them off onto Kramer.
George: I know.
Jerry: Who... Who proceeds to burn the man's cabin down with one of those very same cigars! It's very comical.

Quote from Jerry

George: I wonder how Susan's father's going to react to this. All right, what- What's the worst he could do? So you burn a house down..
Jerry: Come on. It's not even a house. It's, like, a cabin.
George: We could build a cabin like that.
Jerry: Well, maybe not us, but two men could.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Could you do me a favor? Um, when my friends call, could you not talk to them for too long?
Sandra: Why? Did Jerry say something?
Elaine: No, no.
Sandra: He must have said something.
Elaine: Oh, no, he didn't say anything.
Sandra: [near tears] I can't work for you! I can't. I'm leaving. [exits]
Elaine: No, Sandra. I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I really am! Listen, listen, Jerry's under a lot of pressure right now. It's very hard being a stand-up comedian! Sometimes they don't laugh!

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: No more golf.
Jerry: Why?
Kramer: Well, you remember I told you about the pro, you know, at the Westchester Country Club, who's letting me play a round every time I give him a couple of those Cuban cigars?
Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: Yeah, well, I lost them all in the fire! Hey, George, maybe you can ask Susan's father for more, huh?
George: What are you, Crazy? I can't ask the guy for more cigars after you burned down his cabin!
Kramer: Why? What's one thing got to do with another?
George: Kramer, please.
Kramer: Well, I can't go back to the public courses, now. I can't! I won't. I mean, you know what that's like? It's crowded. The grass has big brown patches in it. They don't rake the sand traps! Not to mention the caliber of people you have to play with!

Quote from George

Mr. Ross: How are you enjoying those cigars I gave you?
George: Oh, uh, the cigars? [chuckles nervously] I'm, uh, sucking 'em down. I'm puffing my brains out, yeah.
Mr. Ross: You know those cigars are made special for Castro?
George: [impersonating Carson] I didn't not know that. Weird. Wild. [Susan and George both laugh]
Mr. Ross: What?
Susan Ross: He's doing Johnny Carson, daddy.
Mr. Ross: I didn't care much for his jokes.
Susan Ross: Daddy never laughs.
George: Oh, well, so what? Laughter. What is that? I mean, what is the point of opening your mouth and going "Ha, ha!"? What is that? "Ha, ha!"?

Quote from George

George: The cabin. [chuckles] Well... Susan?
Susan Ross: Uh, about the cabin..
Mr. Ross: I love that place. My father built that cabin in 1947. My mother was recuperating from impetigo at the time, and dad thought it would be a good idea to get her out into the fresh air. She died there the following winter. And he passed away 10 years later to the day. His last words to me were, [Mrs. Ross mouths the words] "Cherish the cabin." Not, uh, "Take care of your sister." She's a paraplegic. But, "Cherish the cabin." And I have, for 45 years. It's often been a sanctuary for me.
George: Kinda like Superman's fortress of solitude.
Mr. Ross: What?
George: Uh, Superman. He, uh, built the fortress of solitude up at the North Pole, to, uh, you know, sort of get away from it all.

Quote from George

Mr. Ross: The cabin burned?
George: [laughs] Yeah, burned. Whoo!
Mrs. Ross: [laughing] Burned!
Mr. Ross: Was anything found? Was it all burned to the ground?! Did they find anything?
Susan Ross: No. Nothing.
Mrs. Ross: [laughing] Nothing! Ha, ha, ha.
[A devastated Mr. Ross gets up and slowly walks out of the room]
George: But, you know, Mr. Ross, if... If you look at the whole situating, what with it being your cigars, and everything, it's really rather ironic. One might even say, in a sense, comical. [Mrs. Ross laughs] Really. Think about it.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: So, we're, uh, drinking and talking, and uh, so, she starts rubbing my leg.
George: Woo-hoo! What did you do?
Jerry: Have you ever told a woman to stop touching your leg?
George: Yeah, right.
Jerry: I mean, I know it's the wrong thing to do. She works in Elaine's office. I know it's wrong, but I can't get that hand off my leg. I mean, I'm looking at the hand, and I'm thinking, "That hand should not be on my leg." But I can't make my brain to get my mouth to say the words, "Would you mind?!"
George: Yeah, woman have no problem getting the hand off. How do they do that?
Jerry: I don't know, they're working on a whole other level.

Quote from George

George: All right, so, go ahead.
Jerry: So we go back to my apartment..
George: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Jerry: So, we're, uh, fooling around there. You know, it's getting a little passionate. [leans in] And, uh, she starts with the dirty talking.
George: All right, all right, hold on! Time out! Whoa, whoa. What did she say?
Jerry: Oh, you know, the usual..
George: No, I don't know. How do I know the usual? [picks up a ketchup container]
Jerry: Typical things.
George: What typical? Gimme typical. Gimme some typical.
Jerry: She says, uh... [Jerry talks discreetly to George, who gets excited and squeezes the ketchup container]
George: [breathing deeply] That's very dirty. That's absolutely filthy.
Jerry: And then she starts talking about her panties.
George: [to the waitress] I'm gonna need some water here!

Quote from Jerry

George: Okay, what did you say?
Jerry: Now, bear in mind, I am just trying to keep up.
George: Of course.
Jerry: Okay? So, she's taking about her panties, so, uh.. So, I said, "You mean the panties your mother laid out for you?"
George: [confused pause] "The panties your mother laid out for you"? [Jerry nods] What does that mean?
Jerry: I don't know! It just popped out.
George: Well, how did she react?
Jerry: She flipped out! Just left.
George: Well, that's not offensive. It's abnormal, but it's not offensive.
Jerry: Look, the main thing is I don't want Elaine to know about any of this. I mean, especially the panty remark. I mean, it's embarrassing. And she's never let me hear the end of it.
George: Well, what if this girl says something?
Jerry: She will tell her. She's going back to work. I talked her into it. How stupid was that?

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Buenos dias.
Secretary: Buenos dias.
Kramer: Uh, habla ingles?
Secretary: Si.
Kramer: Giddy-up. Okay, uh. Um. I need to talk to someone.
Secretary: What is this about?
Kramer: Uh, well, It's a very private matter, but it's extremely urgent.
Secretary: Are you an American?
Kramer: Oh, yeah.
Secretary: I see. Excuse me. [picks up the phone]
Kramer: Okay.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Buenos dias.
Man: What is your name, Senor?
Kramer: Uh, Kramer.
Man: So, Senor Kramer, what is this about?
Kramer: Cigars.
Man: Cigars?
Kramer: Cigars.
Man: What about cigars?
Kramer: Uh, see here, I.. [pulls out a paper ring from his pocket] I saved one of the cigar rings..
Man: Oh. [laughs, pulls out a cigar] You mean one of these..
Kramer: Yeah, yeah. That- That's, uh, okay, So, uh, I'd like to buy a couple of boxes of those from you, yeah?
Man: You do realize, of course, these are illegal in your country.
Kramer: Um, wha- Oh, illegal, huh?
Man: I like that jacket. [reaches out and touches Kramer's jacket]

Quote from Susan Ross

Susan Ross: Oh, they're letters. [hands the box to George] Here.
George: Oh, sure.
Susan Ross: From... from John Cheever.
Jerry & George: Wow.
Susan Ross: "Dear Henry, last night with you was bliss. I fear my... orgasm has left me a cripple. I don't how how I shall ever get back to work. I love you madly, John. P.S. Loved the cabin."

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: All right, look, we gotta get back to work. We just had a big breakthrough here.
Elaine: Okay, I'll leave you two alone.
Jerry: Okay.
Elaine: Maybe I'll go visit my mother. She just bought me some new panties, and they're all laid out for me.


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