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‘The Seinfeld Chronicles’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Seinfeld Chronicles

101. The Seinfeld Chronicles

Aired July 5, 1989

A woman Jerry met is coming to town, but he has no idea what her intentions are.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: You know, why we're here? To be out, this is out. And out is one of the single most enjoyable experiences of life. People, did you ever hear people talking about "We should go out"? This is what they're talking about. This whole thing, we're all out now, no one is home. Not one person here is home, we're all out! There are people tryin' to find us, they don't know where we are. "Did you ring?, I can't find him." "Where did he go?" "He didn't tell me where he was going". He must have gone out. You wanna go out. You get ready, you pick out the clothes, right? You take the shower, you get all ready, get the cash, get your friends, the car, the spot, the reservation. Then you stand around, what do you do? You go: "We gotta be getting back". Once you're out, you wanna get back. You wanna go to sleep, you wanna get up, you wanna go out again tomorrow, right? Where ever you are in life, it's my feeling, you've gotta go.

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Quote from Jerry

George: Listen, your stuff has to be done by now. Why don't you just see if it's dried?
Jerry: No, no, no. Don't interrupt the cycle. The machine is working. It knows what it's doing, just let it finish.
George: You're gonna "overdry" it.
Jerry: You, you can't "overdry".
George: Why not?
Jerry: Same as you can't "overwet". You see, once something is wet, it's wet. Same thing with death. Like once you die you're dead, right? Let's say you drop dead and I shoot you. You're not gonna die again. You're already dead. You can't "overdie", you can't "overdry".

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: "Laundry-day" is the only exciting day in the live of clothes. It is. No, think about it, the washing machine is the nightclub of clothes. You know, it's dark, there's bubbles happening, they're all kind a dancing around in there. Shirt grabs the underwear, "C'mon babe, let's go". You come by, you open up the lid and they all... Socks are the most amazing article of clothing. They hate their lives. They're in the shoes with stinky feet, the boring drawers. The dryer is their only chance to escape and they all know it. They do escape from the dryer. They plan in it the hamper the night before. "Tomorrow, the dryer, I'm going. You wait here." The dryer door swings open, the sock is waiting up against the side wall. He hopes you don't see him. Then off he goes, down the road. [hums] They get buttons sowed on their face, join the puppet show. So they're showing me on television the detergent for getting out blood stains. Is this a violent image to anybody? Blood stains? I mean, I, come on, you got a T-shirt with blood-stains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now. Maybe you ought to get the harpoon out your chest first.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: The dating world is not a fun world. It's a pressure world, it's a world of tension, it's a world of pain. And you know, if a woman comes over to my house, I gotta get that bathroom ready, 'cause she needs things. Women need equipment. I don't know what they need. I know I don't have it, I know that. You know what they need, women seem to need a lot of cotton balls. This has always has been one of the amazing things to me. I have no cotton balls. We're all human beings, what is the story? I've never had one. I've never bought one, I've never needed one. I've never been in a situation, when I thought to myself: "I could use a cotton ball right now. I can certainly get out of this mess." Women need them and they don't need one or two, they need thousands of them, they need bags. They're like peat-moss bags. Have you ever seen these giant bags? They're huge and two days later, they're out. They're gone. The bag is empty. Where are the cotton-balls, ladies? What are you doing with them? The only time I ever see'em is in the bottom of your little waste basket, there's two or three that look like they've been through some horrible experience. Tortured, interrogated, I don't know what happened to them. I once went out with a girl who's left a little zip-lock-baggy of cotton balls over my house. I don't know what to do with them, I took them out, I put them on my kitchen floor like little tumbleweeds. I thought maybe the cockroaches would see it, figure this is a dead town. "Let's move on." The dating world is a world of pressure. Let's face it, a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job-interview is not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it. You know, "Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the position, why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be workin' with?".

Quote from George

George: You know, I can't believe you're bringing in an extra bed for a woman that wants to sleep with you. Why don't you bring in an extra guy too?

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, OK? I, I, I admit, I, I'm not getting the signals. I am not getting it! Women, they're so subtle, their little... Everything they do is subtle. Men are not subtle. We are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men want, what do we want? We want women, that's it! It's the only thing we know for sure. It really is: we want women. How do we get them? Oh, we don't know 'bout that, we don't know. The next step after that we have no idea. This is why you see men honking car-horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we've had so far. The car horn honk. Is that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks. [imitates horn] This man is out of ideas. How does it...? [imitates horn again] "I don't think she likes me"... The amazing thing is, that we still get women, don't we? Men, I mean, men are with women. You see men with women. How are men getting women? Many people wonder. Let me tell you a little bit about our organization. "Where ever women are, we have a man working on the situation right now. Now, he may not be our best man, OK, we have a lot of areas to cover, but someone from our staff is on the scene." That's why, I think, men get frustrated, when we see women reading articles, like: "Where to meet men?". We're here. We are everywhere. We're honking our horns to serve you better.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: See to me, that button is in the worst possible spot. The second button literally makes or breaks the shirt, look at it. It's too high. It's in no-man's-land. You look like you live with your mother.
George: Are you through?
Jerry: You do of course try on, when you buy?
George: Yes, it was purple, I liked it, I don't actually recall considering the buttons.
Jerry: Oh, you don't recall?
George: Uh, no, not at this time.
Jerry: Well, senator, I just like to know, what you knew and when you knew it.

Quote from George

George: Are you sure this is decaf? Where's the orange indicator?
Waitress: It's missing. I have to do it in my head: decaf left, regular right, decaf left, regular right... It's very challenging work.
Jerry: Can you relax? It's a cup of coffee, Claire is a professional waitress.
Waitress: Trust me, George, no one has any interest in seeing you on caffeine.

Quote from Jerry

George: What is she like?
Jerry: Oh, she's really great. I mean, she's got like a real warmth about her and she's really bright and really pretty and uh... The conversation though, I mean, it was... Talking with her is like talking with you, but, you know, obviously much better.

Quote from George

George: So, you know, what, what happened?
Jerry: Oh, nothing happened, you know, but is was great.
George: Oh, nothing happened, but it was...
Jerry: Yeah.
George: This is great!
Jerry: Yeah.
George: So, you know, she calls and says she wants to go out with you tomorrow night? God bless! Devil you!
Jerry: Yeah, well, not exactly. I mean, she said, you know, she called this morning and said she had to come in for a seminar and maybe we'll get together.
George: Ho ho ho. "Had to"? "Had to come in"?
Jerry: Yeah, but...
George: "Had to come in" and "maybe we'll get together"? "Had to" and "Maybe"?
Jerry: Yeah!
George: No. No. No, I hate to tell you this: you're not gonna see this woman.
Jerry: What? Are you serious? Why, why did she call?
George: How do I know? Maybe, you know, maybe she wanted to be polite.
Jerry: To be polite? You are insane!
George: All right. All right, I didn't want to tell you this, you wanna know why she called you?
Jerry: Yes!
George: You're a back-up, you're a second-line, a just-in-case, a B-plan, a contingency!
Jerry: Oh, I get it, this is about the button.

Quote from George

George: So a woman calls, says she has to come to New York on business...
Jerry: Oh, you are beautiful!
George: And maybe she'll see me when she gets there, does this woman intend to spend time with me?
Waitress: I'd have to say no.
[George flips over a piece of paper to reveal "No"]
George: So why did she call?
Waitress: To be polite.
George: To be polite. I rest my case.

Quote from Jerry

George: Jerry? I have to tell you somethin'. This is the dullest moment I've ever experienced.
Jerry: Well, look at this guy! Look, he's got everything, he's got: detergents, sprays, fabric softeners... This is not his first load.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: [answers phone] If you know what happened in the Met game, don't say anything. I taped it. Hello? Yeah, no, sorry. You have the wrong number.
Kramer: [enters] Are you up?
Jerry: Yeah. [on the phone] You know, people do move. You ever seen the big trucks out on the street? Yeah, no problem. [hangs up]
Kramer: Boy, the Mets blew it tonight, huh?
Jerry: [groans] Oh, what are you doing? Kessler, it's a tape. I taped the game. It's one o'clock in the morning! I avoided human contact all night to watch this.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Well, what happened in the game anyway?
Kramer: What happened? Well, they stunk! That's what happened! You know, I almost wound up going to that game.
Jerry: Yeah you almost went to the game? You haven't been out of the building in ten years!
Kramer: Yeah.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: I thought I wasn't allowed to be in here this weekend.
Jerry: No, it's OK now. That girl is not coming. Uh, I, I misread the whole thing.
Kramer: You want me to talk to her?
Jerry: I don't think so.
Kramer: Oh, I can be very persuasive. Do you know that I was almost... a lawyer.
Jerry: That close, huh?
Kramer: You better believe it.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: If my father was moving this he'd had to have a cigarette in his mouth the whole way. Have you got your end? Your end's got to come down first. Easy now, drop it down. Drop it down, your end's got to come down.

Quote from George

George: What was the exact phrasing of the request?
Jerry: All right, she said she couldn't find a decent hotel room.
George: A decent hotel room...
Jerry: Yeah, a decent hotel room. Would it be terribly inconvenient if she stayed at my place.
George: You can't be serious. This is New York City. There must be eleven million decent hotel-rooms. What do you need? A flag? This is the signal, Jerry, this is the signal!
Jerry: This is the signal? Thank you, Mr. Signal, where were you yesterday?
George: I think I was affected by the caffeine.

Quote from Jerry

Kramer: Is this for that girl?
Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: Why even give her an option?
Jerry: This is a person I like. It's not: "How to score on spring break".

Quote from George

Jerry: Oh, wait a second. Oh, I, I forgot to clean the bathroom.
George: So what? That's good.
Jerry: Now, how could that be good?
George: Because filth is good. What do you think, rock stars have sponges and ammonia lying around the bathroom? You think they have a woman coming over, "I've gotta tidy up? Yeah right, in these matters you never do what your instincts tell you. Always, always do the opposite.
Jerry: This is how you operate?
George: Yeah, I wish.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: How's the real estate-business?
George: It's uh, not bad, it's coming along. Why? Did you need something.
Kramer: Do you handle any of that commercial real estate?
George: Well, I might be getting in to that.
Kramer: You keep me posted!
George: I'm aware of you.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Wouldn't it be great if you could ask a woman what she's thinking?
George: What a world that would be, if you just could ask a woman what she's thinkin'.
Jerry: You know, instead, I'm like a detective. I've gotta pick up clues, the whole thing is a murder investigation.

Quote from George

George: Listen. Listen, don't get worked up, 'cause you're gonna know the whole story the minute she steps off the plane.
Jerry: Really? How?
George: 'Cause it's all in the greeting.
Jerry: Uh-huh.
George: All right, if she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign.
Jerry: Right.
George: You know, anything in the, in the "lip-area" is good.
Jerry: "Lip-area".
George: You know, a hug, definitely good.
Jerry: Hug is definitely good.
George: Sure.
Jerry: Although what if it's one of those hugs where the shoulders are touching, the hips are eight feet apart?
George: That's so brutal, I hate that.
Jerry: You know how they do that?
George: That's why, you know, a shake is bad.
Jerry: Shake is bad, but what if it's the "two-hander"? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes?
George: Hand-sandwich.
Jerry: Right.
George: I see, well, that's open to interpretation. Because so much depends on the layering and the quality of the wetness in the eyes...

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: [answers phone] Um, it's for you.
Laura: [takes phone] Hi. No, no. It was great. Right on time. No, I'm gonna stay here tomorrow. Yes. Yes, it's fine. No, we're going on a boat ride. Don't be silly. I'm not gonna have this conversation. Look, I'll call you tomorrow. Okay, bye. [hangs up] Never get engaged.
Jerry: You're engaged?
Laura: You know, you really have no idea what it's like until you actually do it. You know, I'm on this emotional roller coaster.
Jerry: You're engaged?
Laura: Yeah, I can't believe it myself sometimes. You have to start thinking in terms of "we", uh, it's a very stressful situation.
Jerry: You're engaged!


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