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‘The Face Painter’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Face Painter

623. The Face Painter

Aired May 11, 1995

Elaine is surprised when her boyfriend, David Puddy, paints his face to go to a hockey game. George decides to finally tell a woman he loves her. Meanwhile, Kramer has a beef with a monkey, and Jerry refuses to "over-thank" someone for giving him hockey tickets.

Quote from Kramer

George: Hey, by the way, if anybody wants an inside tour of the zoo, Siena works there as a trainer.
Kramer: So she works at the zoo?
George: Yeah, yeah.
Kramer: Yeah, like Dian Fossey. You know, she's the only person that's ever been accepted into gorilla society. And you know, once those gorillas accept you, you got it made in the shade.

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Quote from David Puddy

David Puddy: [laughs] We took it to you. You couldn't get it out of your zone all night. We were aggressive. We didn't let you penetrate!
Kramer: All right, that's enough out of you, there's still three more games left in this series, my friend, and it's far from being over. Very far from being over. [an energized Puddy walks out into the street] Watch out!
[The car, carrying an elderly priest, stops short of hitting Puddy]
David Puddy: Hey, what are you doing?! Watch where you're driving, man! Don't mess with the Devils, buddy. We're number one. We beat anybody. We're the Devils! The Devils! Ha!
Father Hernandez: El Diablo! Dios mio! El Diablo!

Quote from George

George: Take toilet paper for example. Do you realize that toilet paper has not changed in my lifetime? It's just paper on a cardboard roll, that's it. And in ten thousand years, it will still be exactly the same because really,
what else can they do?
Siena: That's true. There really has been no development in toilet paper.
George: And everything else has changed. But toilet paper is exactly the same, and will be so until we're dead.
Siena: Yeah, you're right George. What else can they do?
George: It's just paper on a roll, that's it. And that's all it will ever be.
Siena: Wow.
George: You find this interesting, don't you?
Siena: Yes. yes, I do. [they kiss]

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: You know I'm supposed to go on this special tour today with George's girlfriend?
Jerry: At the zoo?
Kramer: Yeah, but before I met up with her, I stopped to look at the monkeys, when all of a sudden I am hit in the face with a banana peel. I turn and look and there is this monkey really laughing it up. Then someone tells me that he did it. Well, I pick up the banana peel and I wait for that monkey to turn around. And then I... let him have it.
Jerry: Kramer, you threw a banana peel at a monkey?
Kramer: Well, he started it!
Jerry: It's a monkey, Kramer!
Kramer: Well, he pushed my buttons, I couldn't help it, Jerry.
Jerry: Well, I still think it's wrong.
Kramer: All right, all right, fine. You take the monkey's side, all right, go ahead.
Jerry: I'm not taking anyone's side.
Kramer: Cause I know what happened, Jerry.

Quote from Kramer

Mr. Pless: Well, Mr. Kramer, to get right to it, we're having a bit of a problem with Barry.
Kramer: Barry?
Mr. Pless: The chimpanzee.
Kramer: Oh. Well, uh, what's the problem?
Mr. Pless: Well, he's not functioning the way he normally does. He seems depressed. He's lost his appetite. He's even curtailed his autoerotic activities. And we think this is directly related to the altercation he had with you the other day.
Kramer: So, so what do you want me to do?
Mr. Pless: Well, frankly we'd like you to apologize.
Kramer: Yeah, well he started it.
Mr. Pless: Mr. Kramer, he is an innocent primate.
Kramer: So am I! I mean, what about my feelings? Don't my feelings count for anything? Oh, only the poor monkey's important. Everything has to be done for the monkey!

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Look, what do you want me to do?
Kramer: I want you to get on this phone and give him his thank you!
Jerry: No. No, I can't!
Kramer: Jerry, this is the way society functions. Aren't you a part of society? Because if you don't want to be a part of society, Jerry, why don't you just get in your car and move to the East Side!
Jerry: Look, we got five hours before the game. I am betting it was a funeral hello. He knows we're here, he knows the number, he knows we want to go. There's plenty of time for him to call and give us the tickets.
Kramer: You stubborn, stupid, silly man!

Quote from David Puddy

David Puddy: Hey, great dip. You made this?
Elaine: No, it's from the store.
David Puddy: Oh. Hey, how come people don't have dip for dinner? Why is it only a snack? Why can't it be a meal, you know? I don't understand stuff like that.

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: That poor priest. He was just visiting from El Salvador. Now he's gone completely loco.
Jerry: The one Puddy screamed at in the car?
Elaine: Yeah. He thinks he saw the devil. He won't leave his room in the church basement.
Jerry: Well, that's what you get for getting mixed up with a face painter.
Elaine: I mean, what compels a seemingly normal human being to do something like that?
Jerry: [as Puddy] Gotta support the team.

Quote from David Puddy

Elaine: What is that?
David Puddy: That's the letter D.
Elaine: Why is the letter D painted on your chest?
David Puddy: Well, I'm going to the game tonight, and me and these five other guys are gonna take our shirts off and spell out 'Devils'.
Elaine: But you said no more painting.
David Puddy: No, I said no more face painting. And as you can see, this is not my face.
Elaine: Yeah, that's right.

Quote from David Puddy

David Puddy: So what do you think?
Elaine: What is that?
David Puddy: I painted my face.
Elaine: You painted your face?
David Puddy: Yeah.
Elaine: Why?
David Puddy: You know, support the team.
Elaine: Well, you can't walk around like that.
David Puddy: Why not?
Elaine: Because it's insane?
David Puddy: Hey, you gotta let them know you're out there. This is the playoffs.

Quote from Elaine

[As several women weep at the funeral]
Elaine: You know I really hate my clothes.
Jerry: Hmm.
Elaine: I open up my closet, there's just nothing.
Jerry: Hmm.
Elaine: Nothing. I hate everything I have, I really hate it. [the weeping intensifies] I mean, at this point, it's like I can wear something three or four times and that's it.
Jerry: Hmm.
Elaine: It's getting to be a terrible problem for me.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Monkeys are really the end of the line in the pet world. I think when you're at the monkey level of pet ownership, have a kid. I mean, come on, you know, I mean, you're so close. If you need a pet that can roller- skate and smoke cigars, it's time to think about a family. Monkeys, of course, were the first astronauts in the sixties, which I'm sure made perfect sense in the monkey brain. "I fell that is the next logical step for me, because I've been working with the Italian guy and the crank organ, and I think I'm ready to handle the maximum re-entry G-forces."

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: Oh, thanks very much, the soup was really good.
Jerry: What are you telling him for?
Elaine: What?
Jerry: He's the busboy. You think he cares about the soup?
Elaine: Yeah, why? Wouldn't he want the soup to be good?
Jerry: Elaine, it's all this guy can do to keep from killing himself. You think he's back there, talking to the chef, going, "Hey, they like the soup! Keep it up!"?

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Well, what about these nitwits that get on a plane with nothing to read? You know who these people are?
Elaine: Who?
Jerry: These are the people that want to talk to you. They got nothing else to do, why not disturb you?
Elaine: I will never understand people.
Jerry: They're the worst.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: What are you talking about?
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: Toilet paper's changed.
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: It's softer.
Elaine: Softer.
Jerry: More sheets per roll.
Elaine: Sheets.
Jerry: Comes in a wide variety of colors.
Elaine: Colors.
George: Okay, okay, fine! It's changed, it's not really the point.

Quote from George

George: I might tell her that I love her. I came this close last night, then I just chickened out.
Jerry: Well, that's a big move, Georgie boy. Are you confident in the "I love you" return?
George: Fifty-fifty.
Jerry: Cause if you don't get that return, that's a pretty big matzo ball hanging out there.
George: Well, I've just got to say it once. Everybody else gets to say it, why can't I say it?
Elaine: What, you never said it?
George: Once, to a dog. He licked himself and left the room.
Jerry: Well, so it wasn't a total loss.

Quote from David Puddy

Elaine: Dave, um, painted his face.
Kramer: Yeah, that's cool. Well, you gotta support your team.
David Puddy: Okay, ready to go?
Kramer: Yeah.
David Puddy: [roars] Let's get it on! All right! Go Devils! Go Devils! Let's go Devils!

Quote from David Puddy

David Puddy: You stink Messier! We're gonna get you, Messier!
Man: Will you sit down?
David Puddy: Hey man, I'm just trying to support the team.
Elaine: Will you sit down? You're disturbing everybody. Sit down!
David Puddy: Oh yeah, because you're a Ranger fan and you know I'm messing with their heads. [after the Devils score] Go Devils!

Quote from George

George: You have any idea how fast these things deteriorate when there's an "I love you" out of the bag? You can't have a relationship where one person says, "I love you", and the other says, "I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat."
Jerry: Unless you're married.
George: I mean, now she thinks that I'm one of these guys that love her. Nobody wants to be with somebody that loves them.
Jerry: No, people hate that.
George: You want to be with somebody that doesn't like you.
Jerry: Ideally.
George: I am never saying "I love you" again unless they say it first.
Waitress: Matzo ball soup?
George: That would be me.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Did you call Alec Berg and thank him for the hockey tickets?
Jerry: No.
Kramer: Oh, Jerry, what are you waiting for?
Jerry: What do I gotta call him for? I thanked him five times when he gave them to me, how many time I gotta thank him?
Kramer: Oh, no no no, you gotta call him the next day, it's common courtesy.
Jerry: No, I don't believe in it. I'm taking a stand against all this over-thanking.
Kramer: Jerry, good manners are the glue of society.
Jerry: Hey, if I knew I had to give him eight million thank-yous, I wouldn't have taken the tickets in the first place.

Quote from Jerry

Kramer: All right, where you going?
Jerry: I gotta get a suit cleaned, I have a funeral on Friday.
Kramer: Who died?
Jerry: Remember the guy who pretended he had cancer so I would buy him the toupee?
Kramer: So he actually had it?
Jerry: No, car accident. He was trying to adjust his toupee while he was driving and he lost control of the car.

Quote from George

Jerry: I mean, do you think it's possible that he's mad at me because he didn't get the day-after thank you?
George: Wait a minute, you were at a funeral, right?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Well, people never give a good hello at a funeral. I mean, they go like this. [understated nod] That's the biggest.
Jerry: Yeah, yeah, that's kinda what he gave me.
George: Hey, they can't go, "Hey! You look fabulous!"

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hey. Well, I just spoke to your girlfriend.
George: Girlfriend, yeah, right.
Kramer: Anyway, she asked me to apologize to Barry.
George: Barry?
Kramer: The monkey.
Jerry: Well?
Kramer: Nothing doing. Jerry, I didn't do anything. It's the monkey that should be apologizing to me.
Jerry: Well, I don't think that's gonna happen.
Kramer: Well, I'm sorry.

Quote from George

Kramer: Well, George, I tried to put the good word in for you with Siena, but I don't think she heard me. You know, left ear?
George: What?
Kramer: Yeah, her boss told me that she can't hear very well out of her left ear. What, you didn't know that?
George: Oh, my God.
Jerry: What?
George: She probably never heard it. Don't you see what this means? It's like the whole thing never happened. It's like when Superman reversed the rotation of the earth to save Lois Lane!
Jerry: Are you gonna say it again?
George: That's the question, Jimmy.

Quote from George

George: I'm gonna do it.
Jerry: What? After what you just went through, I thought you said you'd never say it again.
George: I'd like to say it once to someone that can actually hear it!


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