Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The Ex-Girlfriend’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Ex-Girlfriend

201. The Ex-Girlfriend

Aired January 23, 1991

After George plucks up the courage to end things with Marlene, Jerry ends up in a relationship with her.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Waiting room. I hate when they make you wait in the room. 'cause it says "Waiting room." There's no chance of not waiting, 'cause they call it the waiting room. They're going to use it. They've got it. It's all set up for you to wait. And you sit there, you know, and you've got your little magazine. You pretend you're reading it, but you're really looking at the other people. You know, you're thinking about about them things like "I wonder what he's got." "As soon as she goes, I'm getting her magazine." And then, they finally call you and it's a very exciting moment. They finally call you, and you stand up and you kinda look around at the other people in the room. "Well, I guess I've been chosen. I'll see you all later." You know, so you think you're going to see the doctor, but you're not, are you? No. You're going into the next waiting room. The littler waiting room. But if they are, you know, doing some sort of medical thing to you, you want to be in the smallest room that they have, I think. You don't want to be in the largest room that they have. You know what I mean? You ever see these operating theaters, that they have, with like, stadium seating? You don't want them doing anything to you that makes other doctors go, "I have to see this!" "Are you kidding? Are they really gonna do that to him?" "Are there seats? Can we get in?" Do they scalp tickets to these things? "I got two for the Winslow tumor, I got two.."

Rate

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: So forget about the books. Did you read them?
George: Well, yeah.
Jerry: What do you need them for?
George: I don't know. They're books.
Jerry: What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?
George: They're my books.

Quote from George

Jerry: So, how was it?
George: I was in there for two minutes. He didn't do anything. Touch this, feel that. Seventy-five bucks.
Jerry: Well, it's a first visit.
George: What's seventy-five bucks? What, am I seeing Sinatra in there?! Am I being entertained? I don't understand this. I'm only paying half.
Jerry: You can't do that.
George: Why not?
Jerry: He's a doctor. You gotta pay what he says.
George: Oh, no, no, no. I pay what I say.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I'm always in traffic with the lane expert. You know this type of person? Constantly reevaluating their lane choice.. Never quite sure, "Is this the best lane for me? For my life?" They're always a little bit ahead of you, "Can I get in over there? Could I get in over here? Could I get in there?" "Yeah, come on over here, pal. We're zoomin' over here. This is the secret lane, nobody knows about it.." The ultimate, I think the ultimate psychological test of traffic is the total dead stop. Not even rolling. And you look out the window, you can see gum clearly. So we know that in the future traffic will get even worse than that. I mean, what will happen? Will it start moving backwords, I wonder? I mean, is that possible? That someday we'll be going "Boy, this is some really bad traffic now, boy. This, is really bad. I'm gonna try to get off and get back on going the other way."

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Tell me if you think this is strange: There's this guy who lives in my building, who I was introduced to a couple of years ago by a friend. He's a teacher, or something. Anyway, after we met, whenever we'd run into each other on the street, or in the lobby, or whatever, we would stop and we would chat a little bit. Nothing much. Little pleasantries. He was a nice guy, he's got a family... Then after a while, I noticed there was not more stopping. Just saying hello and continuing on our way. And then the verbal hellos stopped, and we just went into these little sort of nods of recognition. So, fine, I figured, that's where this relationship is finally gonna settle: polite nodding. Then one day, he doesn't nod. Like I don't exist?! He went from nods to nothing.
George: [sings] "You know, I'd go from nods to nothing.."
Elaine: And now, there's this intense animosity whenever we pass. I mean, it's like we really hate each other. It's based on nothing.
Jerry: A relationship is an organism. You created this thing and then you starved it so it turned against you. Same thing happened in The Blob.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: It's too far.
Kramer: It's three blocks further. You can use my shopping cart..
Jerry: I'm not pulling a shopping cart. What am I suppose to wear? A kerchief? Put stockings on and roll 'em down below my knee?
Kramer: See, the other thing is, if you don't like anything, he takes it right back.
Jerry: I don't return fruit. Fruit is a gamble. I know that going in.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: I don't know how this happened.
George: Jerry, it's not my fault.
Jerry: No, no. It's not your fault. Books, books, I need my books. Have you re-read those books yet, by the way? You know the great thing? When you read Moby Dick the second time, Ahab and the whale become good friends.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Women need to like the job of the guy they're with. If they don't like the job, they don't like the guy. Men know this. Which is why we make up the phony bogus names for the jobs that we have. "Well, right now, I'm the regional management supervisor." "I'm in development, research, consulting." Men on the other hand, if they are physically attracted to a woman are not that concerned with her job. Are we? Men don't really care. Men'll just go, "Really? Slaughterhouse? Is that were you work? That sounds interesting. So what do you got a big cleaver there? You're just lopping their heads off? That sounds great! Listen, why don't you shower up, and we'll get some burgers and catch a movie."

Quote from George

George: It just didn't work out. What can I do? I wanted to love her. I tried to love her. I couldn't.
Jerry: You tried.
George: I kept looking at her face. I'd go: "Come on, love her. Love her!"
Jerry: Did you tell her you loved her?
George: Oh, I had no choice. She squeezed it out of me! She'd tell me she loved me. All right, at first, I just look at her. I'd go "Oh, really?" or "Boy, that's, that's something." But, eventually you have to come back with "Well, I love you." You know, you can only hold out for so long!"
Jerry: You're a human being.
George: And I didn't even ask her out. She asked me out first. She called me up. What was I supposed to do? Say no? I can't do that to someone.
Jerry: You're too nice a guy.
George: I am. I'm a nice guy... And she seduced me! We were in my apartment, I'm sitting on the couch, she's on the chair, I get up to go to the bathroom, I come back, she's on the couch. What am I supposed to do? Not do anything? I couldn't do that. I would've insulted her.
Jerry: You're flesh and blood.
George: I had nothing to do with any of this! I met all her friends, I didn't want to meet them. I kept trying to avoid it. I knew it would only get me in deeper. But they were everywhere! They kept popping up, all over the place. "This is Nancy, this is Susan, this is Amy... This is my cousin... This is my brother.. This is my father." It's like I'm in quicksand.
Jerry: I told you when I met her..

Quote from George

Elaine: Hey, what are you doing?
George: I'm letting you in.
Elaine: Oh, no. No, I don't want to sit in the back. I'll be left out of the conversation.
George: No, you won't.
Elaine: Yes, I will, George. I'll have to sick my chin on top of the seat.
George: Okay. [gets out]
Elaine: Why can't you sit in the middle?
George: Please, it doesn't look good. Boy, boy, girl.
Elaine: I think you're afraid to sit next to a man. You're a little homophobic, aren't you?
George: Is it that obvious?

Quote from George

George: I think you absolutely have to say something to this guy. Confront him.
Elaine: Really?
George: Yes.
Elaine: You would do that?
George: If I was a different person.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: [on the phone] Hello. Hello. Is Glenn there? I'm sorry. Is this 805-555-3234? Yes, I know I have the wrong number. But I just want to know if I dialed wrong or if... [call ends, redials]
[Kramer enters the apartment. The buzzer goes. Kramer answers it.]
Kramer: Come on up.
Jerry: [on the phone] Oh, it's you again. See? Now if you had answered me, I wouldn't have had to do this. Now that's too long distance calls I made to you why can't you... [call ends] Why? Why do they just hang up like that?!

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Taste this.
Jerry: No, I just had a sandwich.
Kramer: No, taste it. Taste it.
Jerry: I don't want cantaloupe now.
Kramer: No, you've never had cantaloupe like this before.
Jerry: I only eat cantaloupe at certain times.
Kramer: Jerry, this is great cantaloupe.
Jerry: All right. [tastes it]
Kramer: Ah, huh. It's good?
Jerry: It's very good.
Kramer: Good, huh?
Jerry: Good.
Kramer: I got it at Joe's.
Jerry: Uh-huh.
Kramer: Forty-nine cents a pound. That's practically half than what you're paying at the supermarket. I don't know why you don't go to Joe's.

Quote from George

George: I'm outta there. I did it! It's over.
Jerry: You did it? What happened?
George: I told her. In the kitchen, which was risky 'cause it's near all the knives. I started with the word "Listen."
Jerry: Ah-ha.
George: I said, "Listen Marlene," and then the next thing I know, I'm in the middle of it. And there's this voice inside of me going: "You're doing it! You're doing it!" And then she started to cry, and I weakened a bit. I almost relented, but the voice, Jerry, the voice said "Keep going, keep going. You're almost out!" It's like I was making a prison break, you know. And I'm heading for the wall, and I trip and I twist my ankle, and they throw the light on you, you know. So, somehow I get though the crying and I keep running. Then the cursing started. She's firing at me from the guard tower: "Son of a bang! Son of a boom!" I get to the top of the wall, the front door, I open it up, I'm one foot away, I took one last look around the penitentiary, and I jumped!

Quote from George

Jerry: So that's it? You're out?
George: Except for one small problem. I left some books in her apartment.
Jerry: So, go get them.
George: Oh, no. No, I can't go back there. Jerry, it's so awkward. And, you know, it could be dangerous, sexually. Something could happen, I'd be right back where I started.

Quote from Jerry

Marlene: So, it must've been ninety-five degrees that night, and everyone's just standing around the pool with little drinks in their hands. I was wearing my old jeans and T-shirt. And I don't know, I was just in one of those moods, so I said to myself, "Marlene, just do it," and I jumped in. And as I'm getting out, I feel all these eyes on me, and I look up and everyone is just staring at me.
Jerry: So what'd you do?
Marlene: Well, nothing. It's not skin off my hide if people like to look. I just didn't see what the big attraction was.
Jerry: Well, I have a general idea what it was. I could take a guess.
Marlene: [laughs] Hey, you know, Jerry, just because George and I don't see each other anymore, it doesn't mean we shouldn't stay friends.
Jerry: No.
Marlene: Good enough. I'm really glad we got that settled.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: You know, it's not like Marlene's a bad person or anything, but, my God! I mean, we've had like three lunches and a movie. And she never stops calling. And it's these meaningless, purposeless, blather calls. She never asks if I'm busy or anything. I just pick up the phone and she's in the middle of a sentence.
George: That's standard. Has she left you one of those messages where she uses up the whole machine?
Jerry: Oh. It's- You know, and sometimes she'll go, "Hello, Jerry?" and I'll go "Oh, hi Marlene." And then it's "Jerry.."
Both: "I don't know sometimes."
George: What about getting off the phone?
Jerry: Oh! You can't. It's impossible. There's no break in the conversation where you can go, "All right, then.. " You know, it just goes on and on and on with out a break in the wall. I mean, I gotta put a stop to this.
George: Just do it like a Band-Aid. One motion, right off! She is sexy though. Don't you think?
Jerry: Yeah. Yes, she is.

Quote from George

Receptionist: Mr. Costanza?
George: Yeah.
Receptionist: The doctor'll see you now.
George: [sarcastically] Yeah, doctor. I'm going to have to wait in that little room by myself, aren't I? [picks up a crossword puzzle] I better take this. I hate the little room. [sarcastically] Oh, hello, Doctor.

Quote from Kramer

[Kramer enters the apartment with a golf club]
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: I got it! This time, I got it!
Jerry: All right.
Kramer: Hips! See, it's all hips.
Jerry: Uh-huh.
Kramer: You gotta come through with the hips first. [demonstrates]
Jerry: That is out there.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Joe's?
Jerry: No, supermarket.
Kramer: Well, is it good?
Jerry: It's okay.
Kramer: Let me taste it. [takes a bite, spits it out] See, that stinks. You can't eat that. You should take it back.
Jerry: I'm not taking it back.
Kramer: All right, I'll take it back. I'm going by there.
Jerry: I don't care about it.
Kramer: Jerry, you should care. Cantaloupe like this should be taken out of circulation.
Jerry: All right. Take it back.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: I feel terrible. I mean, I've seen her a couple of times since then, and I know I can't go any further, but.. I've just got this like, psychosexual hold over me. I just want her, I can't breathe. It's like a drug.
Kramer: Whoa, psychosexual.
Jerry: I don't know how I'm going to tell him.
Kramer: Man, I don't understand people. I mean, why would George want to deprive you of pleasure? Is it just me?
Jerry: It's partially you, yeah.
Kramer: You're his friend. Better that she should sleep with someone else. Some jerk that he doesn't even know.
Jerry: Well, he can't kill me, right?
Kramer: You're a human being.
Jerry: I mean, she called me. I haven't called her. She started it.
Kramer: You're flesh and blood.
Jerry: I'm a nice guy.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Oh, my little airplane lamp.
Elaine: You know, you have the slowest elevator in the entire city. That's hard to get used to when you're in so many other fast ones.
Jerry: Well, the apartment elevators are always slower than the offices, because you don't have to be home on time.
Elaine: Unless you're married to a dictator.
Jerry: Yeah, because they would be very demanding people.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: I spotted him getting his mail. And at first, I was just going to walk on by, but then I thought "No, no, no, no. Do not be afraid of this man."
Jerry: Right.
Elaine: So, I walked up behind him and I tapped him on the shoulder. And I said, "Hi, remember me?" And he furrows his brow as if he's really trying to figure it out. So I said to him, I said, "You little phony. You know exactly who I am."
Jerry: "You little phony"?
Elaine: I did. I most certainly did. And he said, he goes, "Oh, yeah. You're Jeanette's friend. We did meet once." And I said, "Well, how do you go from that to totally ignoring a person when they walk by?"
Jerry: Amazing.
Elaine: And he says, he says, "Look, I just didn't want to say hello anymore, all right?" And I said, "Fine. Fine I didn't want to say hello anymore either, but I wanted you to know that I'm aware of it." [eats cantaloupe]
Jerry: You are the Queen of Confrontation. You're my new hero. In fact, you've inspired me. I'm gonna call George about something right now.
Elaine: This cantaloupe stinks. [spits it out]

Quote from George

Jerry: All right. As long as you're okay. Because I can't stop thinking about her.
George: I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm wonderful. I never felt better in my whole life.
Jerry: Good. And I'll tell you what, you don't have to pay me back the thirty-five I gave to the chiropractor for the rest of your bill.
George: You paid that crook?!
Jerry: I had to.
George: He didn't do anything, Jerry. It's a scam! Who told you to do that?
Jerry: It was embarrassing to me.
George: Oh, I was trying to make a point.
Jerry: Why don't you make a point with your own doctor? [George gulps] What's wrong?
George: [gasping] I think I swallowed a fly! I swallowed a fly! What do I do? What can happen?

Quote from Jerry

Marlene: You sure you want to talk about this? 'cause I sure don't.
Jerry: Of course I want to talk about it.
Marlene: Well, okay. I guess things changed for me on Tuesday night.
Jerry: Tuesday night? What happened Tuesday night?
Marlene: I saw your act.
Jerry: My act? What does that have to do with anything?
Marlene: Well, to be honest, it just didn't make it for me. It's just so much fluff.
Jerry: I can't believe this. So what are you saying? You didn't like my act, so that's it?
Marlene: I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do.
Jerry: You're a cashier!
Marlene: Look, Jerry, it's just not my kind of humor.
Jerry: You can't go by the audience that night. It was late. They were terrible.
Marlene: I heard the material.
Jerry: I have other stuff. You should come see me on the weekend.

Quote from George

George: My back is killing me.
Jerry: You gotta go to my chiropractor, he's the best.
George: Oh yeah, everybody's guy is the best.
Jerry: I'm gonna make an appointment for you. We'll go together.
George: Please. They don't do anything.


 Episode 105 Episode 202 
  Select another episode