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‘The Dog’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Dog

304. The Dog

Aired October 9, 1991

After being seated next to a drunk guy on a plane, Jerry ends up taking care of the man's dog. Meanwhile, George and Elaine hang out together for the first time, and Kramer tries to break up with his girlfriend.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs, and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags, which to me is just the lowest function of human life. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're gonna think the dogs are the leaders. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume was in charge?

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Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: So I'm on the plane, we left late. Pilot says we're going to be making up some time in the air. Well, I thought, well isn't that interesting. We'll just make up time. That's why you have to reset your watch when you land. Of course, when they say they're making up time, obviously they're increasing the speed of the aircraft. Now, my question is if you can go faster, why don't you just go as fast as you can all the time? Come on, there's no cops up here, nail it. Give it some gas! We're flying!

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I had a parakeet when I was a kid. That was the only pet that I really enjoyed. We used to let him out of his cage, and he would fly around. And my mother had built, one entire wall of our living room was mirrored. She felt this gives you a feeling of space. Have you ever heard this interior design principle that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of a jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole nother room in there. There's a guy in there looks just like me." But the parakeet will fall for this. You let him out of his cage, he flies around the room, bang! With his little head, he would just go... Oh! And I'd always think, even if he thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet?

Quote from Elaine

George: I like herbal tea. [Elaine yawns] Chamomile's good. Lemon Lift. Almond Pleasure.
Elaine: Jerry likes Morning Thunder.
George: Jerry drinks Morning Thunder?
Elaine: Yeah.
George: Morning Thunder has caffeine in it, Jerry doesn't drink caffeine.
Elaine: Jerry doesn't know Morning Thunder has caffeine in it.
George: You don't tell him?
Elaine: [laughing] No. And you should see him. Man, he gets all hyper, he doesn't even know why, he loves it! He walks around, going, "God, I feel great!"
George: [laughing] You don't tell him?
Elaine: No.
George: That is so funny!
Elaine: I know!
George: Wait, have you ever seen him throw up?! [both mime Jerry throwing up]

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: It was weird because George and I get along so great in so many situations but this is the first time we ever really went one-on-one.
Jerry: Oh, one-on-one's a whole different game. Can't pass off.
Elaine: The only time it wasn't uncomfortable was when we were making fun of you.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: I must have been out of my mind. Look at you. Why don't you do something with your life? Sit around here all day, you contribute nothing to society. You're just taking up space. How could I be with someone like you? Couldn't respect myself.

Quote from Jerry

Gavin: [slurred British accent] Travelling, of course, is the best education. Do you know last year I was in over forty... forty-five countries, and I would have gone to more but I had just got a puppy, and he was too young to take with me. But now I won't travel without him.
Jerry: Is he on the plane now?
Gavin: Oh yes. Yes, he's in the... He's in the baggage compartment. I don't know why they won't let him sit up here with me. He's a lot better behaved than [looks at woman] most of the dregs you find onboard here. Do you... Do you have any pets?
Jerry: Uh, just my next door neighbor.
Gavin: You are missing out on a relationship that could enrich your life in ways
that you never could have thought possible.
Jerry: How about picking up their, you know. You find that enriching? [Gavin leans back in his seat with a pained expression] What's the matter?
Gavin: Oh, I'm feeling a bit queasy.

Quote from Jerry

Attendant #1: Sir, we're gonna make an emergency landing in Chicago and get you to a hospital.
Gavin: My dog. What about my dog?
Attendant #1: Uh, you have a dog?
Attendant #2: Do you know anyone on the plane, Mr. Palone?
Gavin: Jerry?
Jerry: Huh? How you feeling?
Gavin: Would you take care of Farfel?
Jerry: Farfel?
Attendant #2: It's his dog. We're landing in Chicago to get him to a hospital. Could you take his dog to New York?
Jerry: The dog? The dog?
Gavin: I'm sure it's only for a day or two.
Jerry: But, you know, what if, you know?
Gavin: Give me your address and phone number, I'll call you.
Jerry: The dog?

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: Do you believe this? Do you believe what I'm dealing with here? I've got a wild animal in the house! He's deranged, maybe he's got rabies. I can get lockjaw.
Elaine: If only.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Hey, when you walk him, do you...
Jerry: Do I what?
Elaine: Do you pick it up?
Jerry: Yes, I pick it up.
Elaine: You pick it up?!
Jerry: Well, you have to.
Elaine: Oh, boy would I love to see that.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: I don't know what to do. I mean what if I take it to the pound then the guy shows up?
Elaine: Maybe you should call the airline, they might know where he is.
Jerry: No, I tried. they don't know anything. You gotta put the syrup in first.
Elaine: No, milk.
Jerry: I'm telling you the guy's a drunk, he's probably on a bender.
Elaine: What is a bender anyhow?
Jerry: I don't know, they drink and they bend things at the bar.
Elaine: I can't believe he hasn't called.
Jerry: Two hundred seats on a plane, I gotta wind up next to Yukon Jack and his dog Cujo.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: I gotta get this Ellen out of my life.
Jerry: You're breaking up?
Kramer: Oh, ho, ho, ho, yeah. The sooner the better. I can't wait to do it. You know how there's some people you worry about whether you're going to hurt their feelings? With her, I'm looking forward to it. I'd like to get it on video, watch it in slow motion and freeze frame it. Oh ho, yeah.
Elaine: Kramer, I don't know how you lasted as long as you did.
Kramer: Woah, you didn't like her?
Elaine: If you could see her personality it would be like one of the Elephant Man exhibits, you know where they pull off the sheet and everyone gasps.
Jerry: I can't believe someone hasn't killed her yet.
Kramer: How come you never said anything?
Jerry: You can't tell someone how you feel about their girlfriend until after they stop seeing them.
Kramer: I tell you.
Jerry: You. I'm talking about people.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Just me and George?
Jerry: Sure.
Elaine: But we need you.
Jerry: What do you need me for?
Elaine: Because... [over intercom] Yeah?
George: [over intercom] Prognosis Negative!
Elaine: Because I relate to George through you. We're like friends-in-law.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: I can't go.
George: Can't go? Why not?
Jerry: Because I have to watch idiot Farfel.
George: I thought Kramer was watching.
Jerry: He's breaking up with his girlfriend tonight.
George: Well, so what's the problem? You just put some newspaper down.
Jerry: No, I don't want that smell in the house.
George: You spritz a little Lysol on it.
Jerry: No, it's like BO and cologne. They combine forces into some kind of strange mutant funk.

Quote from George

George: So how long did you live there?
Elaine: About three years.
George: That's pretty long.
Elaine: Hmm.
George: It's not that long, really.
Elaine: Yeah. [long pause, then they both speak at the same time]
George: And then you came here.
Elaine: Yeah. So I've been here about six years.
George: '86, '87, '88, '89, '90, '91. Yup.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Please! Please! I take it all back. Everything! I take it all back! Every word! I love you! I love you! I can't live without you, I'll do anything!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: [sings] Going to the dog pound, everybody! Going to the dog pound, come on
down. [talks to Elaine] What?
Elaine: Do you have to?
Jerry: What am I supposed to do? I don't want to do it. I like dogs. I'm not sure this is a dog.
Elaine: You know, the guy might have just lost your number.
Jerry: I'm in the book and I have a machine.
Elaine: Jerry, do you know what they do to dogs at the pound? They keep them there for a week and then if nobody claims them, they kill them.
Jerry: Really? How late are they open?

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: What?
Elaine: What is it?
Kramer: I went back with Ellen.
Both: Oh, that's great.
Elaine: Terrific.
Jerry: Yeah, I really think you guys are good together.
Elaine: Yes, she understands you and she is not demanding.
Kramer: Do you think that I forgot what you two said about her?
Jerry: I was just trying to be supportive, you know. I knew you were upset.
Kramer: From now on when we pass each other in the hall, I don't know you, you don't know me.
Elaine: Oh, Kramer, we didn't mean it.
Jerry: What are you doing?
Kramer: I'm getting my pot. [grabs a pot, exits]

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: Kramer, we like her.
Jerry: Kramer? What did we say that's so bad?
Elaine: I believe I referred to her personality as a potential science exhibit.
Jerry: I said, "How come no one's killed her?" Eh, probably shouldn't have said anything. Everyone knows the first break-up never takes.

Quote from George

Jerry: Talk amongst yourselves, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
George: Uh, Jerry, how long will you be in there?
Jerry: I don't know, regular human time?
George: Uh, why don't you wait then go in the movies?
Jerry: Why shouldn't I go here?
Elaine: Well, you know, I mean, sometimes it's good to get there and make sure you get your seats and then go to the bathroom.
George: And isn't it more fun using the urinal?
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: Oh, yeah. Urinals are fun. Can I go?!
George: Hey, go.
Elaine: Who's stopping you?
George: What, are you doing me a favor?
Elaine: Like we care if you go to the bathroom.

Quote from Elaine

George: How's it going?
Elaine: Good. Good. You?
George: Things are good.
[George starts whistling. He picks up a chew toy and squeaks it.]
Elaine: Boy, he takes such a long time.
George: I know.
Elaine: You know what he does in there? He gargles.
George: Jerry gargles? Is that why he takes so long?
Elaine: Yeah, he does it like six times a day.
George: How come we never hear him?
Elaine: Because he does it quiet. He does it quiet. Look it, just like this, watch. [gargles, starts laughing]
George: Wait, wait, did you ever see him throw up?!
Elaine: We talked about that already.
George: Oh.

Quote from George

George: I have nothing to say to anybody. I'm so uninteresting. I think I'm out of conversation.
Jerry: So why are you calling me six times a day?
George: All I know about is sports. That's it. No matter how depressed I get, I could always read the sports section.
Jerry: I could read the sports section if my hair was on fire.

Quote from Jerry

George: I mean, I could understand if there was something else playing, but it's this or nothing.
Jerry: I don't know what to do.
George: What is this 'saving movies' thing? Something's playing, you go.
Jerry: I know, I know.
George: So, what? We're gonna do nothing now, this is crazy.
Jerry: It is kind of silly.
George: Of course it is.
Jerry: I mean, it's just a movie, for god's sake.
George: Exactly.
Jerry: It's not like she's in the movie.
George: Right.
Jerry: Am I supposed to ruin the whole night because she wants to see it? I mean, if I could have seen it with her, fine. But I can't control all these circumstances and schedules and people's availabilities at movies.
George: And she'll still see it, you're not stopping her from seeing it.
Jerry: How does sitting next to a person in a movie theater increase the level of enjoyment? You can't talk during a movie. You know, this is stupid, come on, let's just go.
George: Good.
Jerry: Saving movies.
George: Ridiculous!
Jerry: Two for Prognosis Negative. I'm in trouble.
George: Oh, you're dead.

Quote from Kramer

Gavin: [jittery British accent] Bell's Palsy. The entire side of my, of... Of my face was paralyzed. Farfel! I couldn't... I couldn't... I couldn't even feed myself, I was completely incapacitated. Quiet Farfel!
Jerry: You know, it's interesting, because I called the hospital and they said you were released on Monday.
Gavin: Yes, yes, that's true, but then I was taken to the Bell's Palsy Center in... In... In... In Rockford. Absolutely first rate facility. Top notch physicians.
Kramer: Hey, come on, come on, get off me!
Gavin: He won't hurt you, he's just playing.
Kramer: Hey you keep that mutt away from me.
Gavin: Mutt? I'll wager his parents are more pure than yours.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Listen, it's really been a pleasure taking care of your dog for a week, but if you don't mind...
Gavin: Pre... Prediction. You'll be calling me to ask if you can come and visit him before the month is out.
Jerry: Prediction. I never see you or him again for the rest of my life.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: We made plans.
Jerry: Why don't we just rent a movie?
Elaine: I thought you wanted to see Prognosis Negative.
Jerry: No, it's supposed to be really bad. Really bad. I mean it's long, there's no story, it's so unbelievably boring, I heard.
Elaine: Jerry, you promised me we'd go.
Jerry: Well, George told me the whole story, line for line. I mean, I almost feel like I've seen it already and walked out on it.
Elaine: Wait, George saw the movie? I saw him yesterday, he didn't mention it.
Jerry: You and George got together?
Elaine: Yeah, I wanted to talk about how we have nothing to talk about.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: What's up?
Kramer: Well, you were right.
Jerry: About what?
Kramer: Ellen. We, uh, broke up again.
Both: Aww.
Jerry: Too bad.
Elaine: I thought she was the one.
Kramer: I'll bring back the pot.

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: Okay, come on it's movie time.
Kramer: Hey, what are you gonna see?
Jerry: Prognosis Negative.
Kramer: Hey, that's supposed to be great.
Jerry: It's not.
Kramer: How do you know?
Jerry: I have an instinct for these things.


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