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‘The Andrea Doria’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Andrea Doria

810. The Andrea Doria

Aired December 19, 1996

George loses out on an apartment to a survivor of a ship wreck. Kramer turns to a vet when he shares a cough with a dog. Jerry helps Newman deliver the mail in a bid to get him transferred to Hawaii. Elaine learns her boyfriend has a reputation for bad break-ups.

Quote from Elaine

George: The tenant association made me give it to this guy because he was an Andrea Doria survivor.
Elaine: Andrea Doria? Isn't that the one they did the song about?
Jerry: Edmund Fitzgerald.
Elaine: I love Edmund Fitzgerald's voice.
Jerry: No, Gordon Lightfoot was the singer. Edmund Fitzgerald was the ship.
George: You could fit 15 people in that bathroom..
Elaine: I think Gordon Lightfoot was the boat.
Jerry: Yeah, and it was rammed by the Cat Stevens.

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Quote from George

George: I was handcuffed to the bed in my underwear, where I remained... [cut] She certainly seemed interested in me. Though she was attractive, she was also, in fact, a Nazi... [cut] The water that I had been swimming in was very cold. And, when I dropped the towel, there had been significant shrinkage... [cut] Her parents were looking at me. So, there I was, with a marble rye hanging from the end of a fishing pole... [cut] In closing, these stories have not been embellished, because they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly, the story of my life as a short, stocky, slow-witted bald man. Thank you. [gets up] Oh, also, my fiance died from licking toxic envelopes that I picked out. [Sobs and loud crying erupt from the board members] Thanks again. [walks out]

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: [coughs repeatedly]
Jerry: What is with that?!
Kramer: Well, it's coughing, Jerry. It expells the diseased germs out of the body into the air.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: No expiration date on this. [opens it and starts coughing on the food]
Jerry: There is now. Kramer, you should really get that cough checked out by a doctor.
Kramer: Nah, nah, nah. No doctors for me. A bunch of lackeys and yes-men all towing the company line. Plus, the botched my vasectomy.
Jerry: The botched it?
Kramer: I'm even more potent now!

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: You ate more bread?
Elaine: That is not the point. The guy was stabbed.
Jerry: Did you find out who stabbed him?
Elaine: Yeah, it turns out it was his ex-girlfriend.
Jerry: Well, you're not going near this hooligan anymore.
Elaine: Well, I don't know. I mean, think about it, Jerry. There must be something exciting about this guy if he can arouse that kind of passion. I mean, to be stab-worthy, you know? It's kind of a compliment.
Jerry: Yeah, too bad he didn't get shot. He could have been the one.

Quote from Estelle Costanza

George: So, uh, Mom, Dad, I was hoping that you could help me to remember my childhood a little clearly..
Estelle Costanza: I feel a draft. [grabs the bread basket and her drink] Let's change tables.
Frank Costanza: Get outta here! We have a booth.
Estelle Costanza: Frank, I'm cold!
Frank Costanza: Order a hot dish.
Estelle Costanza: Why can't we sit over there?
Frank Costanza: That's not a booth!
Estelle Costanza: So, who says we have to sit in a booth?!
Frank Costanza: I didn't take the subway all the way to New York to sit at a table like that!
Estelle Costanza: Well, I didn't take the subway to be in a drafty restaurant!
George: Mom, Dad.
Frank Costanza: Now, George, what do you want to know about your childhood?
George: Actually, I think I'm pretty clear on it.
Frank Costanza: Where's that breeze coming from?

Quote from George

Mrs. Ricardi: Uh, George, unfortunately, Clarence Eldridge in 8C has decided that he wants the apartment.
George: Yeah, but you- You promised it to me.
Mrs. Ricardi: Yes, but, you see, Mr. Eldridge is an Andrea Doria survivor. And, in light of the terrible suffering that he's already been through, we've decided to give it to him.
George: Well... The Andrea Doria. That was quite a fire.
Mrs. Ricardi: Shipwreck.
George: I remember it. [leaves]

Quote from Newman

Jerry: Newman?
Newman: I guess.
Jerry: Listen, I want you to get the mail out of my storage unit.
Newman: Sometimes we don't get what we want.
Jerry: What are you talking about?
Newman: I didn't get my transfer.
Jerry: Transfer?
Newman: To Hawaii. The most sought-after postal route of them all. The air is so dewy-sweet you don't even have to like the stamps.. But it's not to be. So, I'm hanging it up.
Jerry: You quit the post office?
Newman: Kind of. I'm still collecting checks, I'm just not delivering mail.
Jerry: Well, get it out of my storage. It's illegal.
Newman: And yet, it's perfectly legal to take a man's soul and crush it out like a stale Pall Mall.
Jerry: Well, the law's a law.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: [between coughs] Hey.
George: What's with the dog?
Kramer: Yeah, this is Smuckers. I borrowed him. [Smuckers coughs] Yeah, we share the same affliction, so I'm gonna have a vet check us out.
George: A vet?
Kramer: Oh, I'll take a vet over an MD any day. They gotta be able to cure a lizard, a chicken, a pig, a frog all on the same day.
George: So, if I may jump ahead, you're gonna take dog medicine?
Kramer: You bet we are! Huh, Smuckers? [Smuckers coughs]

Quote from George

George: Ahoy! Mr. Eldridge. I understand you were on the Andrea Doria.
Eldridge: Yes, it was a terrifying ordeal.
George: I tell you, I hear people really stuff themselves on those cruise ships. [laughs] The buffet, that's the real ordeal, huh, Clarence? (Laughs)
Eldridge: We had to abandon ship.
George: Well, all vacations have to end eventually.
Eldridge: The boat sank.
George: According to this, it took 10 hours. It eased into the water like an old man into a nice warm bath. No offence. So, uh, Clarence, how about abandoning this apartment, and letting me shove off in this beauty?
Eldridge: Is that what this is all about?! I don't think I like you. [enters his apartment and closes the door]
George: It's my apartment, Eldridge! The Stockholm may not have sunk you but I will!

Quote from George

George: So, he's keeping the apartment. He doesn't deserve it, though. Even if he did suffer, that was, like, 40 years ago! What has he been doing lately?! I've been suffering for the past 30 years up to and including yesterday!
Jerry: You know, if this tenant board is so impressed with suffering, maybe you should tell them the astonishing tales of Costanza.
George: I should!
Jerry: I mean, your body of work in this field is unparalleled.
George: I could go bumper-to-bumper with any one else on this planet!
Jerry: You're the man!

Quote from Newman

Newman: I need that mail, where is it?!
Jerry: What's the difference?
Newman: The guy who had the Hawaii transfer got busted for hoarding Victoria Secret catalogs. I got to deliver that mail.
Jerry: Well, go ahead. There's eight bags of it.
Newman: Blast. There's no way I can handle eight in addition to my usual load of one. I'll never get to Hawaii. I'll be stuck in this apartment building forever. [lays on Jerry's couch] The dream is dead.
Jerry: You're giving up that easy?
Newman: I usually do. [gets up to leave] See you.
Jerry: No, wait a minute, Newman. You can't let this dream die. You moving away is my dream too!
Newman: What are you proposing?
Jerry: Whatever it takes, for as long as it takes me, where ever it takes me as long as it takes you away from me!
Newman: An alliance?
Jerry: An alliance. [they shake hands and laugh] Now get the hell out of here.

Quote from Newman

Jerry: Hey, I've been trying to jam stuff in the box, like you told me, but sometimes it says, like, "Photographs - Do not bend".
Newman: "Do not bend". [laughs evilly] Just crease, crumple, cram... you'll do fine.

Quote from Newman

Newman: That was the vice president of the post office. I didn't get the transfer. They knew it wasn't me doing my route.
Jerry: How did they know?!
Newman: Too many people go their mail. Close to 80%. No body from the post office has ever cracked the 50% barrier. It's like the 3-minute mile!
Jerry: I tried my best.
Newman: Exactly. You're a disgrace to the uniform. [takes Jerry's hat and rips the USPS badge off]
Jerry: You know, this is your coat.
Newman: Damn!

Quote from George

George: Hey, Georgie's moving out!
Jerry: Get out.
George: I'm out! Fantastic apartment right across from mine, huh. I can't wait for you to see it.
Jerry: Is it better than mine?
George: Oh, yeah.
Jerry: So, it's a two-bedroom-one-bath-make-your-friends-hate-you?

Quote from George

Kramer: The Andrea Doria collided with the Stockholm in dense fog 21 miles off the coast of Nantucket. [clicks tongue]
George: How do you know?
Kramer: It's in my book, "Astonishing Tales of the Sea". 51 people died.
George: 51 people?!
Kramer: That's it?! I thought it was, like, a thousand!
Kramer: There were 1,650 survivors.
George: That's no tragedy! How many people do you lose on a normal cruse? 30? 40?! Kramer, can I take a look at that book?
Kramer: Oh yeah. I also got "Astounding Bear Attacks".

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: Hawaii? That's why you're helping Newman with the mail?
Jerry: Elaine, Newman is my sworn enemy. And he lives down the hall from my home. My home, Elaine! Where I sleep, where I come to play with my toys.

Quote from Newman

Jerry: Newman, how'd it go? Did you get it all delivered? [notices the ice pack] What happened?
Newman: Kramer bit me!
Jerry: Bit you?!
Newman: We had an argument about me going to Hawaii, and he locked onto my ankle like it was a soup bone. I'm hobbled! I don't think I can do my route, and they're awarding the transfer in two days!
Jerry: Well, what if I deliver it?
Newman: You?! [laughs hystericlaly] You can't deliver mail!
Jerry: Well, why not?
Newman: ... I guess you're right. It's just walking around putting it into boxes..
Jerry: Well, what am I gonna wear?
Newman: I could give you my uniform from my rookie year.
Jerry: I can't believe I'm gonna be a mailman.


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