Frank Costanza: Kramer, I got your message. I haven't celebrated Festivus in years! What is your interest?
Kramer: Well, just tell me everything, huh?
Frank Costanza: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reach for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way!
Kramer: What happened to the doll?
Frank Costanza: It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. A Festivus for the rest of us!
Kramer: That must have been some kind of doll.
Frank Costanza: She was.

Kramer: Great news. Yeah, the strike has been settled. I'm going back to work.
Jerry: What strike?
Kramer: Yeah, H&H Bagels. That's where I worked.
Jerry: You?
Elaine: Worked?
Jerry: Bagels?
Kramer: Yeah. Look, see. I still have my business card. [shows it to Elaine] Yeah, we've been on strike for 12 years.
Elaine: Oh, I remember seeing those guys picketing out there, but I haven't seen them in a long time.
Kramer: Yeah, well, H&H wouldn't let us use their bathroom while we were picketing. It put a cramp on our solidarity.
Elaine: What were your demands?
Kramer: Yeah, 5.35 an hour. And that's what they're paying now.
Elaine: I believe that's the new minimum wage.
Kramer: And now you know who to thank for that! All right, I've got to go.
Jerry: Why didn't you ever mention this?
Kramer: Jerry, I didn't want you to know I was out of work. It's embarrassing.

Frank Costanza: And at the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and you tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.
Kramer: Is there a tree?
Frank Costanza: No. Instead, there's a pole. It requires no decoration. I find tinsel distracting.
Kramer: Frank, this new holiday of yours is scratching me right where I itch.
Frank Costanza: Let's do it then! Festivus is back! I'll get the pole out of the crawl space.

Frank Costanza: Welcome, newcomers. The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people and now you're gonna hear about it! You, Kruger. My son tells me your company stinks.
George: Oh, God.
Frank Costanza: [to George] Quiet, you'll get yours in a minute. Kruger, you couldn't smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe- I lost my train of thought.

George: Hey, check this out. I gotta give out Christmas presents to everyone down at Kruger, so I'm pulling a Whatley. [hands a Christmas card to Jerry]
Jerry: "A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund." What is that?
George: Made it up.
Jerry: "The Human Fund. Money for people."
George: What do you think?
Jerry: It has a certain understated stupidity.
George: The Outlaw Josey Wales!

Jerry: You're gonna open your mail here?
George: Hey, at least I'm bringing something to this. "Have you seen me?" Nope. Whoa, something from Whatley.
Jerry: See? You give, and you get.
George: "This holiday season a donation has been made in your name to the Children's Alliance."?
Jerry: Oh, that's nice.
George: I got him Yankee's tickets. He got me a piece of paper saying "I've given your gift to someone else!"
Jerry: To a children's charity.
George: Don't you see how wrong that is?! Where's your Christmas spirit? An eye for an eye!
Jerry: Do me favor. Don't get me anything this year.

Elaine: What is it? [grabs the card] "Dear son, Happy Festivus." What is Festivus?
George: It's nothing. Stop it.
Jerry: When George was growing up..
George: Jerry, No!
Jerry: His father..
George: No!
Jerry: Hated all the commercial and religious aspects of Christmas, so he made up his own holiday.
Elaine: Oh, and another piece of the puzzle falls into place.
Jerry: And instead of a tree, didn't your father put up an aluminum pole?
George: Jerry, stop it!
Jerry: And weren't there a feats of strength that always ended up with you crying?
George: I can't take it anymore! I'm going to work! Are you happy now?!

George: Hey, take a look at this.
Jerry: $20,000 from Kruger? You're not keeping this?
George: I don't know.
Jerry: Excuse me?
George: I've been doing a lot of thinking. This might be my chance to start giving something back.
Jerry: You want to give something back? Start with the $20,000.
George: I'm serious.
Jerry: You're going to start your own charity?
George: I think I could be a philanthropist. A kick-ass philanthropist! I would have all this money, and people would love me. Then they would come to me.. and beg! And if I felt like it, I would help them out. And then they would owe me big time! First thing I'm gonna need is a driver.

Kramer: All right, everybody! I'm back!
Manager: Who are you?
Kramer: Cosmo Kramer, strikes over.
Manager: Oh, yeah. Kramer.
Kramer: Huh. Didn't any of the guys come back?
Manager: NO, I'm sure they all got jobs, like, ten years ago.
Kramer: Oh, man. Makes you wonder what it was all for.
Manager: I could use someone for the holidays.
Kramer: All right. Toss me an apron, let's bagel! [takes off jacket, but it in the display cabinet] What are those?
Manager: Those are raisin bagels.
Kramer: I never thought I'd live to see that.

Kruger: George, we have a problem. There's a memo here from accounting telling me there's no such thing as the Human Fund.
George: Well, there could be.
Kruger: But there isn't.
George: Well, I... I could, uh... I could give the money back. Here. [holds it out]
Kruger: George, I don't get it. If there's no Human Fund, those donation cards were fake. You better have a damn good reason why you gave me a fake Christmas gift.
George: Well, sir, I... I gave out the fake card, because, um, I don't really celebrate Christmas. I, um... I celebrate Festivus.
Kruger: Venomous?
George: Festivus, sir. And, uh, I was afraid that I would be persecuted for my beliefs. They drove my family out of Bayside, sir!
Kruger: Are you making all this up, too?
George: Oh, no, sir. Festivus is all too real. And I could prove it if I have to.
Kruger: Yeah, you probably should.