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‘The Pothole’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Pothole

816. The Pothole

Aired February 20, 1997

Jerry accidentally drops his girlfriend's toothbrush in the toilet. Kramer adopts a section of highway. Elaine pretends to live in a building across the street to get food delivered. George obsesses about a set of keys he lost in a pot hole.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: What's this?
Kramer: Well, you know those annoying little bumps on the lane-lines? [makes bumping noises]
Jerry: Isn't that some kind of safety thing?
Kramer: Well, I had to pull them up if I'm gonna widen the lanes.
Jerry: What the hell are you talking about?
Kramer: Ah, you know how in planes they got first class? More legroom, better ride. Well, I'm bringing that concept to mile 114.
Elaine: How are you gonna widen the lanes?
Kramer: Well, you black out lane-lines one and three, and a four-lane highway becomes a two-lane comfort cruise. [to Jerry] So, you got any black paint?
Jerry: Yeah, in my tool shed, next to the riding mower.

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Quote from Kramer

Kramer: [smoking a cigar] Well, I'm a poppa.
Jerry: Bring it on. Nothing's throwing me at this point.
Kramer: [hands Jerry a cigar] Well, as of today I am a proud parent of a one-mile stretch of the Arthur Berkhardt Expressway.
Jerry: Oh, that adopt-a-highway thing.
Kramer: Yeah, I'm part of the solution now, Jerry. Yeah, I went down there and I checked it out this morning. Here, take a look. Mile 114.
Jerry: Aw, looks just like you.
Kramer: Aw, I'm beaming Jerry.
Jerry: So what do you have to do? Pay to keep it clean?
Kramer: They try to push you into using their cleaning crew, with all their so-called maintenance equipment.
Jerry: That old scam.
Kramer: Yeah, well, that's why I'm doing it all myself. This parenting isn't about delegating responsibility, it's about being there.
Jerry: At the side of the road with a pile of garbage.
Kramer: Quality time.

Quote from George

George: So?
Jerry: So? She used the toothbrush!
George: You said you grabbed it out of there real fast, right?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: So I'm sure whatever germs it landed on were knocked out, and by the time the rest of them realized what was going on, you had already grabbed it out.
Jerry: How many years of med school did you have?

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hey. Look at this. I'm in the passing lane of the Arthur Berkhardt expressway, going seventy and... Dragged this thing for five exits.
Jerry: Why didn't you pull over?
Kramer: Well I was drafting behind a semi. I didn't wanna lose him. The infrastructure, Jerry, it's crumbling.
Key ring: Holy cow!
Kramer: Well, look at that. A talking Nixon.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: It's a hundred thousand revolutions a second. It's the most powerful one they make.
Jenna: It's like I'm holding a blender.
Jerry: The engine's made by McDonnell-Douglas. [as she stops brushing] Oh no, you keep going. It shuts off automatically.
Jenna: Really, it does?
Jerry: [to himself] When the battery runs out.

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: You still couldn't kiss her?
Jerry: She has a taint. I can't see it, but I know it's there.
Elaine: Oh, so now you're finding fault on a sub-atomic level.
Jerry: Maybe if I could shrink myself down, like in Fantastic Voyage, and get inside a microscopic submarine, I could be sure. Although if there was something there, it might be pretty scary. Course, I would have that laser.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: What's with the signs?
Kramer: Hey, you should see the Berkhardt, Jerry. My mile is spotless. I mean the big stuff was easy. Cinderblocks, air-conditioners, shopping carts, I just rolled them into the woods.
Jerry: Yeah, that stuff's all natural anyway.
Kramer: [holds sign] Speed limit, 165 miles per hour. See? They slipped a one in there. [laughing] Those kids with the spray paint, God love 'em.

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: 1Q? Whose apartment is that?
Elaine: That's the janitor closet across the street.
Jerry: You're pretending to live in a janitor's closet, just to get this flounder?
Elaine: It's better than eating it alone in the restaurant like some loser.

Quote from Jerry

George: Was she mad? [off Jerry's face] You didn't tell her.
Jerry: Jenna's like me. She's very...
George: Finicky? Prissy? Fastidious?
Jerry: I'll take fastidious.

Quote from George

Jerry: What is that?
George: Ah, Steinbrenner gave 'em to us, in honour of Phil Rizzuto being inducted into the Hall of Fame.
Key ring: Holy cow!
Jerry: They don't actually have to squeeze his head to get him to say "Holy cow", do they?
George: Just the last few innings of a double-header.

Quote from Elaine

Owner: [answers phone] China Panda.
Elaine: Yeah, I'd like to place an order.
Owner: Ah yes, what you like?
Owner: This Supreme Flounder, it says first time served in America. Is that true?
Owner: What number?
Elaine: 47.
Owner: Yeah, first time. What else?
Elaine: Uh, that's it.
Owner: Address?
Elaine: 78, West 86th Street. Apartment 3E.
Owner: That's southside. Sorry, we don't deliver below 86th.
Elaine: I'm not below.
Owner: Yes, you are. Street itself is boundary.
Elaine: Your guy can't cross to my side?
Owner: If we deliver to you, then what? Eighty-fifth Street, Wall Street, Mexico, Eighty-fourth Street.
Elaine: All right, fine. I'll just cross and meet him.
Owner: Sorry, food only for those who live within boundary. [hangs up]

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: You'll have to dig up your spare set.
George: I don't have a spare set. All my keys say "do not duplicate".
Jerry: So?
George: So you can't duplicate them. [Jerry and Kramer laugh]
Kramer: Sure you can. [to Jerry] Such a sweet kid.

Quote from Elaine

[As the delivery guy walks up to an apartment building, Elaine is waiting on the doorstep. She steps down as she sees him.]
Elaine: Oh. Oh, hi. China Panda?
Delivery Guy: Why you waiting on the street and not in your apartment?
Elaine: I... thought that I would meet you halfway. [takes bag]
Delivery Guy: You really live here?
Elaine: Oh yeah. There you go, keep the change. Bye now. I'll see you.
[As Elaine walks back towards the door of the building, she notices the delivery guy has not walked away. She tries to open the door but it's locked. Admitting defeat, she hands the food back to the delivery guy and takes her money.]
Elaine: This isn't fair. This is address discrimination!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Well, I cleaned out their whole dental hygiene shelf.
George: So the plan is to secretly sterilize her mouth?
Jerry: By the time I'm through with her mouth, she'll be able to eat off it. Is it safe to drink bleach if you dilute it?
George: No, stings the throat.

Quote from George

George: Anyway, so I was coming along here, and I felt like a piece of cake, you know? But then I thought, it's morning, I should really have a muffin. I like those chocolate chip ones. Then I figured, well, they're really both cake. So I, uh, I sat on that bench for a little while - twenty minutes or an hour - and then I figured, check and see what you were up to. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. The broad jump! The broad jump over the pothole on 86th Street!

Quote from George

George: Now I remember, as I jumped over the hole I heard a, like a jingling sound.
Jerry: You didn't look down?
George: I was trying to stick the landing. It was right around here.
[As George looks down at the road, he sees a circle of freshly laid tarmac]
George: No! No!
[A car drives by, right over the fresh patch of road]
Key ring: Holy- Holy Cow!
Jerry: Poor son of a bitch.

Quote from Jerry

Jenna: [o.s.] I was really happy with my old toothbrush.
[Jerry bags up Jenna's old toothbrush]
Jerry: No, trust me, that one was doing more harm than good. Don't forget to use the Plax too.
Jenna: [o.s.] That stuff tastes like bleach!
Jerry: I don't know anything about that.
[Jerry tosses the bagged toothbrush out the window]
Jenna: Mmm. My mouth feels so clean.
Jerry: That's the idea.
[As Jenna goes in to kiss Jerry, he flashes back to the toothbrush in the toilet.]
Jerry: You know, maybe we better not. I, I think I'm getting a little cold. I don't wanna give you any of my germs.
Jenna: Aw. Okay. Thanks, I guess.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Jer, do you see where this is going?
Jerry: Being really clean and happy?
Elaine: Jerry, you have tendencies. They're always annoying, but they were just tendencies. But now, if you can't kiss this girl, I'm afraid we're talking disorder.
Jerry: Disorder?
Elaine: And from disorder, you're a quirk or two away from full-on dementia.
Jerry: Hmm, that could hurt me.

Quote from Elaine

Man: [opens door] Yeah?
Elaine: Hi. I'm your neighbor, uh, fr... from across the street. And uh, I was wondering, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, if I could use your apartment to order some food?
Man: What? What do you want?
Elaine: You see, there's this certain flounder and they won't deliver it to my side of the street.
Man: When- When is that?
Elaine: No, I just need them to deliver it here and I have to be kinda inside is all.
Man: Who are you with?
Elaine: No, actually I'm... I'm just kind of hungry. [chuckles]
Man: Who let you in?
Elaine: Well, the lock was broken. You just have to jiggle it, actually. But, I just need like a half an hour to an hour. [the man closes the door]

Quote from George

Jerry: Hey. So, keys?
George: No keys. And I been calling the city all day. Of course there's not really a number to call if you wanna make a pothole.
Jerry: I guess they leave that up to the general population.
George: I tell you this. If the real Phil Rizzuto was down there, this wouldn't be happening!
Jerry: Hard to say.

Quote from Jerry

Jenna: How you feeling?
Jerry: Good. My cold's gone, and I've been looking forwards to kissing you, which I'm ready to do now, if you are ready.
[As Jenna moves in to kiss, he once again feels uneasy]
Jenna: What?!
Jerry: Nothing. I just, I uh, I bruised my lip. I was drinking a Celray, and I brought it up too fast and I banged it into my lip, and then I knocked your toothbrush into the toilet and I wasn't able to tell you before you could use it.
Jenna: What?
Jerry: I'm sorry.
Jenna: When were you gonna tell me this?!
Jerry: Obviously never.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: [knocking] Hey, Jenna. Hey!
[Jenna opens Jerry's front door]
Jenna: There. Now something of yours has been in the toilet.
Jerry: What?! What did you put in there?
Jenna: Gotta run.

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: [on the phone] Hello, Jenna, did you dunk the spatula? Was it the spatula? Hello? Dammit! [hangs up, throws spatula in the trash]
Elaine: She won't even give you a hint?
Jerry: No. Could be anything. The whole apartment's a biohazard.
Elaine: You know what I bet it is? Your remote.
Jerry: Yes, that is a definite possibility. [throws remote in the trash]
Elaine: Or, could be your Walkman there.
[Jerry picks up the Walkman and gets ready to toss it in the trash]
Jerry: Are you just screwing with me?
Elaine: Yeah, I am.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Hey, how's life on the road?
Kramer: Oh, I'm making a difference, Jerry.
Jerry: I don't doubt it.
Kramer: You should see the smiles on the drivers' faces. I mean, you gotta look quick, but they're there.

Quote from George

Ralph: You Costanza?
George: Yeah. Thanks for, thanks for coming by fellas. Eh, got a set of keys, buried in the pothole.
Ralph: What are the keys doing in there?
George: Just need to uh, to dig them up.
Ralph: You put them in there?
George: Nah, nah. It's uh, it's a long story. Just uh, try to get it up.
Ralph: Bad place to put your keys.
George: Yeah, I know that. [clears throat] Could you start, working?
Ralph: Difficult job. You want those keys, we're gonna have to dig this up.
George: Oh, uh, wait a minute, wait a minute. [snorts] Is this about money?
Ralph: Yeah. [snorts] It's about money.

Quote from Elaine

Mrs. Allister: Excuse me, what are you doing in there?
Elaine: Uhm, nothing. I was just, um... I wasn't in there.
Mrs. Allister: You were hanging around in there, lazing on the job. When you should have been downstairs in the basement, cleaning out those old carpets and scrap wood.
Elaine: Right, because... I'm the janitor.
Mrs. Allister: Don't get smart with me.
Elaine: Yes, ma'am.

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: Oh it's you.
Jerry: Is the flounder here yet?
Elaine: No, it's not here yet. You want the tour?
[Jerry enters the closet]
Elaine: [gestures] There's this.
Jerry: Nice. French doors would really open this place up. Oh, but you have a slop-bucket.

Quote from George

Elaine: Ah, what are you doing here?
George: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
[George joins Jerry and Elaine in the closet]
George: Oh, I was uh, I was waiting downstairs for the jackhammer, thought I'd drop by.
Jerry: Kramer's guys?
George: Yeah. I got them down to fifty bucks. I just have to do all the jackhammering myself.
Jerry: Oh that's nice, kind of a hard-labor fantasy camp.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Hi, I um... What can I do for you?
Mrs. Allister: I told you yesterday to haul that trash outta the basement.
Elaine: Yeah, I am so sorry.
Mrs. Allister: Some of the children have been playing near it and putting it in their mouths.
Elaine: Well, a lot of it is vegetable...
Mrs. Allister: Get that stuff outta there today, or you'll be outta here. Understand?
Elaine: Yes, ma'am.
[The guys stumble out of the closet]
George: ...stop pushing. Kramer spilled ammonia.
Jerry: I don't feel like eating.
Kramer: [holding a set of heavy chains] I'm gonna borrow this, huh?
Elaine: [to Mrs. Allister] Janitor's meeting.

Quote from Jerry

Jenna: So Jerry, why'd you call me?
Jerry: Well, I thought it's about time we put aside all this silliness. I know now you didn't put anything in my toilet bowl. ... Did you?
Jenna: Yes, I did.
Jerry: Well, whatever. So, how have you been?
Jenna: Good.
Jerry: Good. ... Steak knife?
Jenna: It's just eating away at you isn't it?
Jerry: Nah.

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: Hi. Jerry, can I borrow your car?
Jerry: For what?
Elaine: I have to haul some dirty garbage to the dump.
Jerry: Dirt? That's all right. Because there's nothing wrong with dirt.
Elaine: Well, actually it's pretty grimy.
Jerry: Grime, grease, filth, funk, ooze. Whatever it is, you take that stuff and put it right on my leather upholstery.
Elaine: Well, I don't know who you are, but thanks for the car.
Jerry: Sure. Bye.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: There, you see? I just leant her my car, and she's gonna fill it with all sorts of... All right! You win! That car was my last germ-free sanctuary. I slept there last night! Now, for the love of God, please, what is it? What is it?!
Jenna: Toilet brush.
Jerry: Toilet brush. Oh! All right, I can replace that.
Jenna: You wanna order dinner?
Jerry: Yeah. Let's uh, go to your place. Because I, threw out all my dishes.


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