Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The Doll’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Doll

717. The Doll

Aired February 22, 1996

George is freaked out by one of Susan's dolls which bears a striking resemblance to his mother. Jerry is annoyed that Susan's friend, Sally (guest star Kathy Griffin), sent back from Memphis with a bulky gift. Frank Costanza asks Elaine to try get a photo from the Maestro of a man they saw in Tuscany who looked like Frank.

Quote from Frank Costanza

Elaine: You know, the photo I took in Tuscany of the little man in front of the sign that said "Costanza"?
Frank Costanza: There's a Costanza in Tuscany? Did he look like me? Did you talk to him?
Elaine: I didn't talk to anyone. I was just walking by, and I saw the sign, and I thought George might get a kick out of it.
Frank Costanza: I gotta get that picture. It could be my cousin, Carlo.
Elaine: Who is that?
George: When the Costanzas came here, one brother stayed behind.
Frank Costanza: I played with his son every day until the age of four. And then we separated.
Elaine: So, you weren't born here?
Frank Costanza: No. That's why I can never be president. It always irked me. That's why, even at an early age, I had no interest in politics. I refuse to vote. [shouts] They don't want me, I don't want them!

Rate

Quote from George

Doll: [Estelle's voice] Georgie! Don't eat with your hands! Why do you eat so fast?! You can't even taste it!
George: Don't tell me how to eat!
Doll: You're wearing that shirt? You've had it for five years already! Why don't you buy a new shirt?!
George: Because I like this one! [gets up, grabs the doll] Come on, let's go. Let's go!
[As George gets up to leave, he runs into Deena, the woman who thought he was having a break down.]
George: Oh, hi. [exits]
Deena: [to Ruthie, the cashier] That man should really be in a sanitarium.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Jerry, why don't you do a bit on Styrofoam?
Jerry: Like what?
Kramer: Well, uh... [impersonate Jerry's act] "What is this stuff? Why do we need this stuff?.. And why do they make them so small..?"
Jerry: Where's the punchline?
Kramer: It's all attitude.

Quote from Elaine

Frank Costanza: Do you have another copy of that photo?
Elaine: No, I, I don't. But.. Well, the Maestro might.
Frank Costanza: The Maestro? What Maestro?
Elaine: He's this guy that I went to Tuscany with. He's a great guy, but I just wouldn't feel comfortable calling him.
George: Really? Why?
Elaine: Because he hasn't called me since we got back. I spilled wine on his 8 by 10 photo of one of his favorite Italian opera stars.
George: Who?
Elaine: You know the Three Tenors?
George: Yeah. Pavarotti, Domingo, and... uh, the other guy.
Elaine: The other guy.

Quote from Frank Costanza

Kramer: Now this is remarkable. I'm lounging, and yet, my pants remain perfectly creased.
Frank Costanza: It's him! It's Carlo Costanza!
Kramer: Come on. Are you sure?
Frank Costanza: I'd know him anywhere.
Maestro: I've seen that man in Tuscany. Eccentric fellow. Reputation of being kind of a village idiot.
Frank Costanza: I still say we're related.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Then the pilot always come on with his little announcement. "I'm going over this. I'm going over that. I'm taking a left. I'm bringing it up. I'm bringing it down. I'm going right. I'm going this way. I'm going that way." And we're back there going, "Yeah, that's all fine. Just do what the hell you got to do. I don't know what the hell is going on." Do I bother him? Do I go knocking on the cockpit door? "I'm having the peanuts now. Just thought you might like to know what we're doing."

Quote from George

George: Oh my God! What is that?!
Susan Ross: [rushes in] What? What is it?
George: This doll... looks like my mother.
Susan Ross: George, it's a doll.
George: I know it's a doll. But it looks like my mother!
Susan Ross: Oh, get out of here.

Quote from George

George: What is this thing doing here?
Susan Ross: Oh, I used to love to sleep with my dolls when I was a little girl.
George: Uh, I'm sorry, I can't do this..
Susan Ross: Why?
George: I feel like I'm in bed with my mother.
Susan Ross: Oh, stop it.
[As they kiss, George hides the doll away under Susan's pillow]

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: Hey, what are you doing tomorrow? You want to come see me on the Charles Grodin show?
Elaine: Who else is on the show?
Jerry: Uh, one of the three tenors.
Elaine: The Three Tenors? Which one?!
Jerry: Uh. It's not Pavarotti, it's not Domingo...
Elaine: [extremely excited] The other guy?!
Jerry: Yeah, the other guy.
Elaine: My God! I can't believe the other guy's going to be on the show!
Jerry: Why?
Elaine: Because I ruined this autographed picture of him that belonged to the Maestro. You think I can go and get his autograph?
Jerry: Why not?
Elaine: [giddy] Oh, wow! The other guy!

Quote from George

Jerry: Hey, you look awful.
George: I'm on no sleep, bro.
Jerry: Problem in the bedroom?
George: Susan has the doll collection. One of the dolls looks exactly like my mother. She likes to sleep with it.
Jerry: Wow. You were in bed with your mother last night?
George: It felt like it. I tell you, this doll is pretty spooky. It's really freaking me out, man.

Quote from Kramer

Maestro: And now, Gentlemen, if you will excuse me, I must prepare for the symphony.
Kramer: Oh, yeah?
[When The Maestro gets up from behind his desk, he isn't wearing any pants.]
Maestro: Oh, my pants. [starts to put on nearby pair of pants] It's an old conductor's trick I learned from Leonard Bernstein.
Kramer: Really?
Maestro: You keep a perfect crease by not sitting in them before the performance.
Kramer: That's good thinking.

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: So, did you buy that electric toothbrush I was telling you about?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: How come? I told you, it's fantastic.
Elaine: Eh, I like mine.
Jerry: I've had yours. I'm telling you, this one is ten times better. Don't you believe me?
Elaine: I don't want it.
Jerry: I don't understand this. Why wouldn't you want to get something that's better if I'm telling you it's better? And it's not a little better, it's much better.
Elaine: It doesn't matter to me.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Wait. This isn't the sauce that I asked for!
Sally: That's right. It's a special gourmet sauce. "The Pride of Memphis!"
Jerry: No, no. I wanted the one in the little bottle with that guy on it that looks like Charles Grodin!
Sally: This is much better. And frankly, in Memphis, we think that other sauce as kind of a joke.
Jerry: I know it's a joke. It's supposed to be a joke! Now I'm going on the Charles Grodin Show with nothing. Nothing!
Sally: You could just do your material.
Jerry: I don't have any material!
Elaine: He's got nothing!

Quote from Frank Costanza

Frank Costanza: Take a look at this. Doesn't that look like my flesh and blood? Of course, your mother- [sees the doll in Susan's arms]
Doll: [Estelle] Oh, stop bothering everybody with that picture. It's ridiculous!
Frank Costanza: [walks towards the doll] Ridiculous?! I'll show you ridiculous! [grabs the doll from Susan] Come here!
Susan Ross: No, Mr. Costanza! No, no!
[After Frank manages to get the doll from Susan, he twists the doll's head clean off the body]
Frank Costanza: There! Now what have you got to say for yourself?!
George: I told you it looked like her.


 Episode 716 Episode 718 
  Select another episode