[stand-up:]
Jerry: I'm not afraid of flying, although many people do have fear of flying and, I have no argument with that. I think fear of flying is quite rational, because human beings cannot fly. Humans have fear of flying same way fish have fear of driving. You put a fish behind the wheel, and they go, "This isn't right. I shouldn't be doing this. I don't belong here."

[stand-up:]
Jerry: What do you do at the end of a date when you know you don't want to see this person ever again, for the rest of your life? What do you say? What do you say? No matter what you say, it's a lie. "I'll see you around. See you around. If you're around, and I'm around, I'll see you around that area. You'll be around other people. You won't be around me. But you will be around." "Take care now." Did you ever say that to somebody? "Take care now. Take care, now. Because, I'm not going to be taking care of you. So, you should take care, now." "Take care. Take care." What does this mean? "Take off!" Isn't that what you really want to say? "Take off now."

George: Someday, before I die, mark my words, I'm gonna tell that woman exactly what I think of her. I'll never be able to forgive myself until I do.
Jerry: And if you do?
George: Well, I still won't be able to forgive myself, but at least it won't be about this.

Kramer: Oh, God, you're so naive! All the cable companies care about is the big "mammoo". [Jerry hits the TV] Oh, look at you! You're banging things. Pathetic. Just wasting your life. I'm offering you 56 channels: movies, sports, nudity. And it's free! For life!
Jerry: Stop shouting! You're ruining the reception.
Kramer: Can you hear yourself? Can, can, do you know what you're saying?!
Jerry: What you're suggesting is illegal.
Kramer: It's not illegal.
Jerry: It's against the law.
Kramer: Well, yeah.

George: Every woman on the face of the earth has complete control of my life. And yet, I want them all. Is that irony?

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Men flip around the television more than women, I think. Men get that remote control in their hands, they don't even know what the hell they're not watching. You know, we just keep going, "Rerun, don't wanna watch it. " "What are you watching?" "I don't care, I gotta keep going." "What was that?" "I don't know what it was. Doesn't matter, it's not your fault. It doesn't matter, I gotta keep going." Women don't do this. See now, women will stop and go, "Well, let me see what the show is before I change the channel." You see? But men just fly. Because women, you see, women nest and men hunt. That's why we watch TV differently. Before there was flipping around, before there was television, kings and emperors and pharaohs and such had story-tellers that would tell them stories 'cause that was their entertainment. I always wonder, in that era, if they would get, like, thirty story-tellers together so they could still flip around. Just go, "All right start telling me a story, what's happening? I don't want to hear anymore. Shut up. Go to the next guy. What are you talking about? Is there a girl in that story? No? Shut up. Go to the next guy. What do you got? I don't want to hear that either. Shut up. No, go ahead, what are you talking about? I don't want to hear that. No, the all of you, get out of here. I'm going to bed."

George: She dragged me down to that warehouse on the waterfront in Brooklin to see one of her "performances".
Jerry: Oh, and she's on stage cooking dinner onstage for some celebrity?
George: God! She's cooking dinner for God! She's yelling and screaming, and the next thing I know, she throws a big can of chocolate syrup all over my new red shirt.
Elaine: It was an accident!
George: Oh, yeah, sure. Accident, right. She was aiming right at me like she was putting out a fire! Then, for the rest of the show, I'm sitting there with chocolate all over my shirt. Flies are landing on me. I'm boiling - I'm fantasizing all the things I'm gonna say when I see her. And later, finally, backstage when I talk to her, I'm a groveling worm. "What kind of chocolate was that? Do you throw any other foods?"
Jerry: [to Elaine] he thought he still had a shot.
George: And then, then, then she leaves with somebody else! Never even, never even said goodbye! Never called me back.. Never apologized. Nothing. Like I was dirt.
Jerry: What ever happened with the shirt?
George: I still have it. The collar's okay. I wear it under sweaters.

Elaine: I don't know what I'm gonna do. She asked me to give her a baby shower.
Jerry: Asked you? You're not going to do that are you?
Elaine: Anyone else, never. But, Leslie, I have a problem saying no to. For some reason, I seem to want her approval.
George: Let Maria Shriver give her a baby shower.
Jerry: [Boston accent] Ask not what I can do for you, ask what you can do for me.
George: Ich bin ein sucker.
Elaine: Oh, would you two stop with the Kennedys? Why does everybody make such a big deal about he Kennedys? What is this fascination?! Who cares?! It's all so boring.
George: She doesn't deserve a baby shower. She deserves a baby monsoon. She deserves Rosemary's baby!
Elaine: I do have one teeny little problem, though.
George: Never said goodbye. Never apologized. Nothing.

Elaine: See, I was gonna give the shower in my apartment..
Jerry: But?
Elaine: My roommate has Lyme disease.
Jerry: Lyme disease? I thought she had Epstein-Barr Syndrome?
Elaine: She has this in addition to Epstein-Barr. It's like Epstein-Barr with a twist of Lyme disease.
Jerry: How did she get Lyme disease?
Elaine: I don't know. She did some outdoor version of Hair in Danbury, Connecticut.
Jerry: They still do that play?
Elaine: It's a classic.
Jerry: With the nudity?
Elaine: I guess. She must've rolled over on a tick during the love-in.

Jerry: Explain to me how this baby shower thing works.
Elaine: What do you wanna know?
Jerry: Well, I mean, does it ever erupt into a drunken orgy of violence?
Elaine: Rarely.
Jerry: There's no hazing of the fetus, or anything, is there?
Elaine: No, nuh-uh.
Jerry: When is this suppose to be?
Elaine: Saturday.
Jerry: Saturday? Well, I have a show in Buffalo on Saturday. They're not gonna bust up my apartment, or anything, are they?
Elaine: No, I'll take full responsibility. You won't regret it.
Jerry: No, 'cause I've seen these pregnant women, and they sometimes misjudge their fetal girth. Just like one wrong turn, and the whole buffet is, like, right off the table.