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‘The Baby Shower’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Baby Shower

210. The Baby Shower

Aired May 16, 1991

Kramer talks Jerry into getting an illegal cable hook-up. Meanwhile, Elaine hosts a baby shower at Jerry's apartment for a woman who once went out with George.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I'm not afraid of flying, although many people do have fear of flying and, I have no argument with that. I think fear of flying is quite rational, because human beings cannot fly. Humans have fear of flying same way fish have fear of driving. You put a fish behind the wheel, and they go, "This isn't right. I shouldn't be doing this. I don't belong here."

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Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: What do you do at the end of a date when you know you don't want to see this person ever again, for the rest of your life? What do you say? What do you say? No matter what you say, it's a lie. "I'll see you around. See you around. If you're around, and I'm around, I'll see you around that area. You'll be around other people. You won't be around me. But you will be around." "Take care now." Did you ever say that to somebody? "Take care now. Take care, now. Because, I'm not going to be taking care of you. So, you should take care, now." "Take care. Take care." What does this mean? "Take off!" Isn't that what you really want to say? "Take off now."

Quote from George

George: Someday, before I die, mark my words, I'm gonna tell that woman exactly what I think of her. I'll never be able to forgive myself until I do.
Jerry: And if you do?
George: Well, I still won't be able to forgive myself, but at least it won't be about this.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Oh, God, you're so naive! All the cable companies care about is the big "mammoo". [Jerry hits the TV] Oh, look at you! You're banging things. Pathetic. Just wasting your life. I'm offering you 56 channels: movies, sports, nudity. And it's free! For life!
Jerry: Stop shouting! You're ruining the reception.
Kramer: Can you hear yourself? Can, can, do you know what you're saying?!
Jerry: What you're suggesting is illegal.
Kramer: It's not illegal.
Jerry: It's against the law.
Kramer: Well, yeah.

Quote from George

George: Every woman on the face of the earth has complete control of my life. And yet, I want them all. Is that irony?

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Men flip around the television more than women, I think. Men get that remote control in their hands, they don't even know what the hell they're not watching. You know, we just keep going, "Rerun, don't wanna watch it. " "What are you watching?" "I don't care, I gotta keep going." "What was that?" "I don't know what it was. Doesn't matter, it's not your fault. It doesn't matter, I gotta keep going." Women don't do this. See now, women will stop and go, "Well, let me see what the show is before I change the channel." You see? But men just fly. Because women, you see, women nest and men hunt. That's why we watch TV differently. Before there was flipping around, before there was television, kings and emperors and pharaohs and such had story-tellers that would tell them stories 'cause that was their entertainment. I always wonder, in that era, if they would get, like, thirty story-tellers together so they could still flip around. Just go, "All right start telling me a story, what's happening? I don't want to hear anymore. Shut up. Go to the next guy. What are you talking about? Is there a girl in that story? No? Shut up. Go to the next guy. What do you got? I don't want to hear that either. Shut up. No, go ahead, what are you talking about? I don't want to hear that. No, the all of you, get out of here. I'm going to bed."

Quote from George

George: She dragged me down to that warehouse on the waterfront in Brooklin to see one of her "performances".
Jerry: Oh, and she's on stage cooking dinner onstage for some celebrity?
George: God! She's cooking dinner for God! She's yelling and screaming, and the next thing I know, she throws a big can of chocolate syrup all over my new red shirt.
Elaine: It was an accident!
George: Oh, yeah, sure. Accident, right. She was aiming right at me like she was putting out a fire! Then, for the rest of the show, I'm sitting there with chocolate all over my shirt. Flies are landing on me. I'm boiling - I'm fantasizing all the things I'm gonna say when I see her. And later, finally, backstage when I talk to her, I'm a groveling worm. "What kind of chocolate was that? Do you throw any other foods?"
Jerry: [to Elaine] he thought he still had a shot.
George: And then, then, then she leaves with somebody else! Never even, never even said goodbye! Never called me back.. Never apologized. Nothing. Like I was dirt.
Jerry: What ever happened with the shirt?
George: I still have it. The collar's okay. I wear it under sweaters.

Quote from George

Elaine: I don't know what I'm gonna do. She asked me to give her a baby shower.
Jerry: Asked you? You're not going to do that are you?
Elaine: Anyone else, never. But, Leslie, I have a problem saying no to. For some reason, I seem to want her approval.
George: Let Maria Shriver give her a baby shower.
Jerry: [Boston accent] Ask not what I can do for you, ask what you can do for me.
George: Ich bin ein sucker.
Elaine: Oh, would you two stop with the Kennedys? Why does everybody make such a big deal about he Kennedys? What is this fascination?! Who cares?! It's all so boring.
George: She doesn't deserve a baby shower. She deserves a baby monsoon. She deserves Rosemary's baby!
Elaine: I do have one teeny little problem, though.
George: Never said goodbye. Never apologized. Nothing.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: See, I was gonna give the shower in my apartment..
Jerry: But?
Elaine: My roommate has Lyme disease.
Jerry: Lyme disease? I thought she had Epstein-Barr Syndrome?
Elaine: She has this in addition to Epstein-Barr. It's like Epstein-Barr with a twist of Lyme disease.
Jerry: How did she get Lyme disease?
Elaine: I don't know. She did some outdoor version of Hair in Danbury, Connecticut.
Jerry: They still do that play?
Elaine: It's a classic.
Jerry: With the nudity?
Elaine: I guess. She must've rolled over on a tick during the love-in.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Explain to me how this baby shower thing works.
Elaine: What do you wanna know?
Jerry: Well, I mean, does it ever erupt into a drunken orgy of violence?
Elaine: Rarely.
Jerry: There's no hazing of the fetus, or anything, is there?
Elaine: No, nuh-uh.
Jerry: When is this suppose to be?
Elaine: Saturday.
Jerry: Saturday? Well, I have a show in Buffalo on Saturday. They're not gonna bust up my apartment, or anything, are they?
Elaine: No, I'll take full responsibility. You won't regret it.
Jerry: No, 'cause I've seen these pregnant women, and they sometimes misjudge their fetal girth. Just like one wrong turn, and the whole buffet is, like, right off the table.

Quote from George

Jerry: Red shirt! Red shirt! That's the red shirt!
George: What are you talking about?
Jerry: You're wearing the chocolate shirt!
George: I am? What a strange coincidence..
Jerry: A-ha! Nice try, my friend, but you gotta get up pretty early in the morning..
George: You gotta let me go over there.
Jerry: What are you gonna do? Badger a pregnant woman at her own baby shower?! What are you, gonna take it off and make her rinse it in club soda?
George: No, I'm gonna hold it under her nose so she can smell the scent of stale Bosco that I had to live with for three years, and I'm gonna say, "Remember this shirt, baby?! Well, now, it's payback time!"

Quote from George

Jerry: And what if we go up there? What are you going to say to her?
George: What am I going to say?!
Jerry: Yeah.
George: What did you go out with me for? Just to dump chocolate on my shirt and then just dump me altogether? I don't deserve that kind of treatment! What, you don't have the common courtesy to return my calls? To apologize? You think I'm some sort of a loser, that likes to be abused and ignored? Whose shirt can be ruined without financial restitution? Some sort of a masochist who enjoys being humiliated? You think you can avoid me, [chuckles] like I have some sort of disease?! You have the disease! You have the disease! You may be beautiful and rich and physically, just unbelievable, but you sicken me! You disgust me! You and everyone like you!
Jerry: You'll never say that to her face.
George: Watch me.

Quote from Jerry

Mary: Jerry?!
Jerry: I'm sorry, I..
Mary: Mary Contardi. No? Doesn't ring a bell, Jerry? We had a date, three years ago. You took me to one of your shows.
Jerry: [stammering] Oh, I, I, think I remember..
Mary: Told me you had a great time! Said you'd call me the next day.
Jerry: Well, I'm sure I meant to call. I probably just lost your-
Mary: Liar! Liar! You were never going to call me! You thought you could waltz through the rest of your life and never bump into me again! But you were wrong, Jerry! You were wrong! What do you think, I'm some sort of poor, pathetic wretch?!
Jerry: No, I don't think that.
Mary: Some person who could be dismissed and ignored?! Some insignificant piece of dust?! Some person who doesn't deserve your respect and your attention?! Well, you're the one that doesn't deserve my respect and my attention! You're the insignificant piece of dust!
George: [to Leslie] Actually, I never had any formal training. I guess I'd be better suited for improvs, or something..
[As she storms out, Mary bumps into Leslie, pushing her chocolate cake onto George's shirt]
Leslie: Thanks a lot.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Why can't I meet a Kennedy? I saw John Jr. once downtown. I was on a bus. I hit the... ding. But it didn't stop.


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