[stand-up:]
Jerry: What's with the age gap hiring policy at most movie theaters? Did you ever notice, they never hire anyone between the ages of fifteen and eighty, you know what I mean? Like, the girl that sells you the ticket, she's ten. Then there's the guy who rips the ticket, he's a hundred and two. So, what happened in the middle, there? You couldn't find anybody? It's like they want to show you how life comes full circle. You know, you're fifteen, you sell the tickets. Then you leave, you go out, you have a family, kids, marriage, career, grandchildren. Eighty years later, you're back in the same theater three feet away. Ripping tickets. Took you eighty years to move three feet.

Kramer: Will you do me a favor? If you see a guy who's about 5 foot 11, he's got a big head and flared nostrils,
tell him his friend's gonna be right back, okay?

George: Excuse me, have you seen a guy with, like, a horse face, big teeth and a pointed nose?
Cashier: Flared nostrils?
George: Yeah.
Cashier: Nope. Haven't seen him.

Kramer: Hey, did that guy show up?
Cashier: The guy with the horse face and the big teeth?
Kramer: No, the guy with the big head and the flared nostrils.
Cashier: Haven't seen him. There was a short guy with glasses, looked like Humpty-Dumpty with a melon head. But he left.

Man: Do you have your stub?
George: My stub? Who keeps the stub? No one holds on to the stub. I'm going to the movies for 25 years, nobody ever asked me for the stub. You don't remember me?
Man: It's a big city, sir.
George: I went in with a pretty woman. You know, short, big wall of hair, face like a frying pan.
Man: Nope.

Elaine: I just went to go get popcorn, okay... and somebody took my seat, and my coat is in there.
Man: There's a seat in the front row.
Elaine: No, no, I can't sit in the front row.
Man: Well, you're just gonna have to wait then.
Elaine: I can't stand around here for two hours.
Man: I can let you see "Rochelle Rochelle".
Elaine: Thanks. Hey, listen, by the way, have you seen a tall, lanky doofus with a bird face and hair like the Bride of Frankenstein?
Man: Haven't seen him.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: But I always get confused in the movie theater by the plot. This is embarrassing. It's an embarrassing thing to have to admit, but I'm the one you see... in the parking lot, after the movie, talking with his friends, going: "Oh, you mean, that was the same guy from the beginning? Oh." Nobody will explain it to you. When you're in the theater, you can't find out. [whispers] "Why did they kill that guy? Why did they kill him? Who was that guy? Who was that guy? I thought he was with them. Wasn't he with them? Why would they kill him if he was with them? Oh, he wasn't really with them. I thought he was with them. It's a good thing they killed him."

Elaine: Can I have a medium Diet Coke?
Cashier: You want the medium or middle size?
Elaine: What's the difference?
Cashier: Well, we have three sizes: medium, large and jumbo.
Elaine: What happened to the small?
Cashier: There is no small. Small's medium.
Elaine: So, what's medium?
Cashier: Medium's large, and large is jumbo.
Elaine: Okay, give me the large.
Cashier: That's medium.
Elaine: Right. Yeah.

Elaine: Can I have a small popcorn?
Cashier: There is no small. Child-size is small.
Elaine: What's medium?
Cashier: Adult.
Elaine: Do adults ever order the child-size?
Cashier: Not usually.
Elaine: Okay, give me the adult.
Cashier: Do you want butter?
Elaine: Is it real butter?
Cashier: It's butter flavoring.
Elaine: Yeah, well, what is it made of?
Cashier: It's yellow.

Elaine: I've been dying to see "Checkmate".
George: Well, if it's as good as "Ponce de Leon", I'll be happy.
Elaine: "Ponce de Leon", are you kidding me? I hated that movie!
George: "Ponce de Leon"? But that was great!
Elaine: Oh, come on. That fountain of youth scene at the end, where they're all splashin' around, and then they go running over to the mirror to see if it really worked? I mean, come on! [laughing] That's so stupid!
George: Let me tell you something. When Ponce looked in that mirror and saw that he hadn't changed, and that tear started to roll down his cheek? ... I lost it.