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‘The Race’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Race

610. The Race

Aired December 15, 1994

Jerry learns an old classmate is still bitter about a high school race. Meanwhile, Elaine dates a communist, and Kramer gets a job as a mall Santa.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: By the time the race was over, I had won. I was shocked nobody had noticed the head start.
Elaine: Really?
Jerry: And I had won by so much, a myth began to grow about my speed. Only Duncan suspected something was amiss. He's hated me ever since. Now he's back.
Elaine: Well, what happened when you raced him again?
Jerry: I never did. In four years of high school, I would never race anyone again. Not even to the end of the block to catch a bus. And so the legend grew. Everyone wanted me to race. They begged me. The track coach called my parents, pleading. Telling them it was a sin to waste my god given talent. But I answered him in the same way I answered everyone, "I chose not to run."

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Quote from George

George: Look at this. "Exciting uninhibited woman seeks forward thinking comrade and appearance not important." Appearance not important! This is unbelievable. Finally, this is an ideology I can embrace.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: The Christmas tree certainly seems to inspire a love-hate relationship. All that time is spent selecting it and decorating it, and then a week after, it's just thrown somewhere. You see it by the side of the road, it looks like a mob hit. The car slows down, the door opens, and this tree just rolls out. People snap out of that Christmas spirit like it was a drunken stupor. They just wake up one morning and go, "Oh, my God. There's a tree inside the house. Just throw it anywhere."

Quote from George

George: What are you doing with the Daily Worker?
Elaine: Ned must have left it here.
George: Your boyfriend reads the Daily Worker? What is he? A communist?
Elaine: He reads everything. You know, Ned's very well read.
George: Maybe he's just very well red.

Quote from George

George: So what have you been doing with yourself?
Jerry: Well, I'm a comedian.
George: Ah ha. Well, I really wouldn't know about that. I don't watch much TV. I like to read. So what do you do, a lot of that "Did you ever notice..." kind of stuff.
Jerry: Yeah, yeah.
George: You know, it strikes me a lot of guys are doing that kind of humor now.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: [on the phone] Hello? Oh, hi, Duncan. 4:00 o'clock tomorrow? That is not going to work. Why? I'll tell you why. Because I chose not to run!

Quote from Mr. Steinbrenner

George: You, uh, wanted to see me, Mr. Steinbrenner?
Mr. Steinbrenner: Yes George, I did. Come in, come in. George, the word around the office is that you're a Communist.
George: Communist? I am a Yankee, sir, first and foremost.
Mr. Steinbrenner: You know, George, it struck me today me that a Communist pipeline into the vast reservoir of Cuban baseball talent could be the greatest thing ever to happen to this organization.
George: Sir?
Mr. Steinbrenner: You could be invaluable to this franchise. George, there's a southpaw down there nobody's been able to get a look at. Something Rodriguez. I don't really know his name. You get yourself down to Havana right away.
George: Yes, sir. Yes, sir, do my best.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Good, Merry Christmas, George. And bring me back some of those cigars in the cedar boxes, you know the ones with the fancy rings? I love those fancy rings. They kind of distract you while you're smoking. The red and yellow are nice. It looks good against the brown of the cigar. The Maduro... I like the Maduro wrapper. The darker the better, that's what I say. Of course, the Claro's good too. That's more of a pale brown. Almost like a milky coffee. [George exits] I find the ring size very confusing. They have it in centimetres which I don't really understand that well...

Quote from George

George: You wanted to see me, El Presidente?
Castro: Si, si. Come here. I understand you are very interested in one of our players, eh?
George: Si, si.
Castro: Ordinarily, I would not grant such a request but I've heard you are, uh, how you say, Communista simpatico, eh?
George: Muy sumpatico. Muy muy muy.
Castro: Well good, then you can have your pick.
George: Oh. Oh.
Castro: They will play for your Yankees.
George: Oh well, gracias El Commandante, gracias. Muy muy.
Castro: And I would be honored if you would be my guest for dinner tonight at the Presidential palace. There will be girls there. And, I hear, some pretty good food. Of course, the problem with parties is you invariably have to eat standing up, which I don't care for. But on the other hand, I don't like to balance a plate on my lap either. Once when I was at a party, I put my plate on someone's piano. I assure you, if I had not been a dictator, I would not have been able to get away with that one.

Quote from George

Jerry: Yeah, yeah. Well, you really went bald there, didn't you?
George: Yeah, yeah.
Jerry: You really used to have a thick, full head of hair.
George: Yeah, yeah. Well, I guess I started losing it when I was about twenty-eight. Right around the time I made my first million. You know it's true what they say. The first million is the hardest one.
Lois: What do you do?
George: I'm an architect.
Lois: Have you designed any buildings in New York?
George: Have you seen the new addition to the Guggenheim?
Lois: You did that?
George: Yep. And it didn't take very long either.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Ready to go, Lois?
Lois: Boy, you sure like to say my name, don't you?
Jerry: Excuse me, Lois. Stand back, Lois. Jimmy's in trouble, Lois.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: [enters dressed as Santa] Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas everyone. Merry Christmas.
Jerry: Wow, look at you. So you got the job.
Kramer: Yeah, you're looking at the new Santa at Coleman's Department store.
Elaine: Oh, congratulations.
Mickey: Come on, get your beard on. We're going to be late.
Kramer: On Prancer, On Dasher, on Donna.
Mickey: Not Donna, it's Donner.
Kramer: It's Donna!
Mickey: Yeah, right! On Prancer, on Dancer, on Donna, on Ethyl, on Harriet.

Quote from George

Ada: There's a Natalie on line 2.
George: Natalie?
Ada: From the Daily Worker.
George: Thank you. [answers phone] Hello, it's Natalie? Well, yes, this is a business office but I'm not a business man, per se. I'm here working for the people. Yes, I'm causing dissent. Stirring the pot. Getting people to question the whole rotten system.

Quote from Elaine

Ned: I'm sorry, Elaine. The shirt's too fancy.
Elaine: Just because you're a Communist, does that mean you can't wear anything nice? You look like Trotsky.
Ned: Good.
Elaine: Fine, you want to be a Communist, be a Communist. Can't you at least look like a successful Communist?
Ned: All right, I'll try it on.

Quote from Kramer

Boy: I want a racing car set.
Kramer: Ho, ho, ho, ho. A racing car set! [quietly] Listen, those are assembled in Taiwan by kids like you. And these Coleman pigs, they sell it for triple the cost.
Boy: But I want a racing car set.
Kramer: You see kid, you're being bamboozled. These capitalist fat cats are inflating the profit margin and reducing your total number of toys.
Boy: Hey, this guy's a commie!
Mickey: Hey, kid, quiet. Were did a nice little boy like you learn such a bad word like that? Huh?
Boy: Commie, Commie, Commie, traitor to our country!
Mickey: Santa is not a Commie. He just forgot how his good friend stuck his neck out for him to get him a good job like this. Didn't he Santa!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: How's Duncan?
Lois: He's okay.
Jerry: He say anything?
Lois: About what?
Jerry: Oh, nothing in particular.
Lois: ... Why did you cheat in that race?
Jerry: I did not cheat!
Lois: He said that you got a head start.
Jerry: Oh, he's just jealous because he came in second.
Lois: Really?
Jerry: Yeah.
Lois: So you were the fastest kid in school?
Jerry: Faster than a speeding bullet, Lois.

Quote from Jerry

George: So you lied to her?
Jerry: I couldn’t tell her the truth. I don't know what's going to happen between us. What if we have a bad breakup? She'll go straight to Duncan. And I want him to go to his grave never being certain I got that head start.

Quote from George

Jerry: Well, you've really built yourself up into something.
George: Well, well... I had a dream, Jerry.
Jerry: Well, one can't help but wonder what brings you into a crummy little coffee shop like this.
George: Well, I like to stay in touch with the people.
Jerry: Ah, you know you have a hole in your sneaker there. What is that canvas?
George: You know, my driver's waiting. I really should get running. Good to see you guys again.

Quote from George

Jerry: I thought we might reminisce a little more. You know, Duncan and I were just taking about the big race.
George: Oh, the big race.
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Yes, yes.
Lois: You were there?
George: Yes, sure. Surely was. Yeah, I'll remember that day. Well I'll never forget it because that was the day that I uh, lost my virginity to Miss. Stafford, the uh, voluptuous home room teacher.
Duncan: Miss Stafford?
George: Yes, yes. You know, I was in detention and she came up behind me while I was erasing the blackboard...

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: You're gonna race him?
Jerry: Yeah. And he's calling all these people from High School to come and watch. I knew this day would come. I can't do it. I can't go through with it. I'm calling it off. I can't let the legend die. It's like a kid finding out there's no Santa Claus.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Each according to his ability, to each according to his needs.
Mickey: What does that mean?
Kramer: Well, if you've got means and abilities, that's a pretty good combination.
Mickey: So what if I want to open up a delicatessen?
Kramer: There are no delicatessens under Communism.
Mickey: Why not?
Kramer: Well, because the meats are divided into a class system. You got pastrami and corned beef in one class and salami and bologna in another. That's not right.
Mickey: So you can't get Corned Beef?
Kramer: Well, you know, if you're in the politburo, maybe.

Quote from Kramer

Store Manager: Is there a problem here?
Kramer: Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Boy: This guy's a Commie. He's spreading propaganda.
Store Manager: Oh, yeah? Well, that's enough, pinko! You're through. The both of you.
Mickey: I got two kids in college.
Kramer: Well, you can't fire me, I'm Santa.
Store Manager: Not anymore. Get your skinny ass out of here.

Quote from Kramer

Mickey: I knew that Commie stuff was going to get us in trouble.
Kramer: Yeah, well I didn't realize that was such a sensitive issue.
Mickey: Communism?! You didn't realize Communism was a sensitive issue? What do you think has been going on in the world for the past 60 years? Wake up and smell the coffee.
Kramer: I guess I screwed up!
Mickey: Oh, you sure did. Big time.


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