Jerry: By the time the race was over, I had won. I was shocked nobody had noticed the head start.
Elaine: Really?
Jerry: And I had won by so much, a myth began to grow about my speed. Only Duncan suspected something was amiss. He's hated me ever since. Now he's back.
Elaine: Well, what happened when you raced him again?
Jerry: I never did. In four years of high school, I would never race anyone again. Not even to the end of the block to catch a bus. And so the legend grew. Everyone wanted me to race. They begged me. The track coach called my parents, pleading. Telling them it was a sin to waste my god given talent. But I answered him in the same way I answered everyone, "I chose not to run."

George: Look at this. "Exciting uninhibited woman seeks forward thinking comrade and appearance not important." Appearance not important! This is unbelievable. Finally, this is an ideology I can embrace.

George: What are you doing with the Daily Worker?
Elaine: Ned must have left it here.
George: Your boyfriend reads the Daily Worker? What is he? A communist?
Elaine: He reads everything. You know, Ned's very well read.
George: Maybe he's just very well red.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: The Christmas tree certainly seems to inspire a love-hate relationship. All that time is spent selecting it and decorating it, and then a week after, it's just thrown somewhere. You see it by the side of the road, it looks like a mob hit. The car slows down, the door opens, and this tree just rolls out. People snap out of that Christmas spirit like it was a drunken stupor. They just wake up one morning and go, "Oh, my God. There's a tree inside the house. Just throw it anywhere."

George: So what have you been doing with yourself?
Jerry: Well, I'm a comedian.
George: Ah ha. Well, I really wouldn't know about that. I don't watch much TV. I like to read. So what do you do, a lot of that "Did you ever notice..." kind of stuff.
Jerry: Yeah, yeah.
George: You know, it strikes me a lot of guys are doing that kind of humor now.

Jerry: [on the phone] Hello? Oh, hi, Duncan. 4:00 o'clock tomorrow? That is not going to work. Why? I'll tell you why. Because I chose not to run!

George: You, uh, wanted to see me, Mr. Steinbrenner?
Mr. Steinbrenner: Yes George, I did. Come in, come in. George, the word around the office is that you're a Communist.
George: Communist? I am a Yankee, sir, first and foremost.
Mr. Steinbrenner: You know, George, it struck me today me that a Communist pipeline into the vast reservoir of Cuban baseball talent could be the greatest thing ever to happen to this organization.
George: Sir?
Mr. Steinbrenner: You could be invaluable to this franchise. George, there's a southpaw down there nobody's been able to get a look at. Something Rodriguez. I don't really know his name. You get yourself down to Havana right away.
George: Yes, sir. Yes, sir, do my best.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Good, Merry Christmas, George. And bring me back some of those cigars in the cedar boxes, you know the ones with the fancy rings? I love those fancy rings. They kind of distract you while you're smoking. The red and yellow are nice. It looks good against the brown of the cigar. The Maduro... I like the Maduro wrapper. The darker the better, that's what I say. Of course, the Claro's good too. That's more of a pale brown. Almost like a milky coffee. [George exits] I find the ring size very confusing. They have it in centimetres which I don't really understand that well...

George: You wanted to see me, El Presidente?
Castro: Si, si. Come here. I understand you are very interested in one of our players, eh?
George: Si, si.
Castro: Ordinarily, I would not grant such a request but I've heard you are, uh, how you say, Communista simpatico, eh?
George: Muy sumpatico. Muy muy muy.
Castro: Well good, then you can have your pick.
George: Oh. Oh.
Castro: They will play for your Yankees.
George: Oh well, gracias El Commandante, gracias. Muy muy.
Castro: And I would be honored if you would be my guest for dinner tonight at the Presidential palace. There will be girls there. And, I hear, some pretty good food. Of course, the problem with parties is you invariably have to eat standing up, which I don't care for. But on the other hand, I don't like to balance a plate on my lap either. Once when I was at a party, I put my plate on someone's piano. I assure you, if I had not been a dictator, I would not have been able to get away with that one.

Jerry: You really used to have a thick, full head of hair.
George: Yeah, yeah. Well, I guess I started losing it when I was about twenty-eight. Right around the time I made my first million. You know, it's true what they say. The first million is the hardest one.
Lois: What do you do?
George: I'm an architect.
Lois: Have you designed any buildings in New York?
George: Have you seen the new addition to the Guggenheim?
Lois: You did that?
George: Yep. And it didn't take very long either.

Boy: I want a racing car set.
Kramer: Ho, ho, ho, ho. A racing car set! [quietly] Listen, those are assembled in Taiwan by kids like you. And these Coleman pigs, they sell it for triple the cost.
Boy: But I want a racing car set.
Kramer: You see kid, you're being bamboozled. These capitalist fat cats are inflating the profit margin and reducing your total number of toys.
Boy: Hey, this guy's a commie!
Mickey: Hey, kid, quiet. Were did a nice little boy like you learn such a bad word like that? Huh?
Boy: Commie, Commie, Commie, traitor to our country!
Mickey: Santa is not a Commie. He just forgot how his good friend stuck his neck out for him to get him a good job like this. Didn't he Santa!