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‘The Label Maker’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Label Maker

612. The Label Maker

Aired January 19, 1995

After Jerry gives Superbowl tickets to Tim Whatley (Bryan Cranston), the dentist "regifts" a label maker that Elaine gave him. Meanwhile, George dates a woman who is living a man just like him, and Kramer and Newman play a game of Risk.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Love the Label Baby, baby. You know, those things make great gifts. I just got one of those for Tim Whatley for Christmas.
Jerry: Tim Whatley?
Elaine: Yeah. Who sent you that one?
Jerry: One Tim Whatley!
Elaine: No, my Tim Whatley?
Jerry: The same. He sent it as a thank you for my Super Bowl tickets.
Elaine: I think this is the same one I gave him. He recycled this gift. He's a regifter!

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Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Loyalty to any one sports team is pretty hard to justify. Because the players are always changing, the team can move to another city. You're actually rooting for the clothes when you get right down to it. You know what I mean, you are standing and cheering and yelling for your clothes to beat the clothes from another city. Fans will be so in love with a player but if he goes to another team, they boo him. This is the same human being in a different shirt, they hate him now. Boo! Different shirt! Boo.

Quote from George

Jerry: Come on, take them. You could take Bonnie.
George: You paying my hotel and airfare to Miami?
Jerry: What do you think?
George: So in order to use these, I gotta spend, like, fifteen-hundred bucks. This is a bill for fifteen-hundred dollars. Plus, she'd ask about the sleeping arrangements. I find the sleeping arrangement conversation is depressing.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Or maybe he liked your gift so much, he decided to get me the same thing. Perhaps it's an homage.
Elaine: Yeah, perhaps.
Jerry: Well, how did he react when you gave it to him?
Elaine: Um, he said, "Oh, a label maker. How about that?"
Jerry: He repeated the name of the gift?
Elaine: Yeah, so?
Jerry: Oh, well, if you repeat the name of the gift, you can't possibly like it.
Elaine: What do you mean?
Jerry: Oh, you know, like when someone opens something up and they go, "Oh. Tube socks."

Quote from George

George: The wedding is off. Now you can go to the Super Bowl.
Jerry: I can't call Tim Whatley and ask for the tickets back.
George: You just gave them to him two days ago. He's gotta give you a grace period.
Jerry: Are you even vaguely familiar with the concept of giving? There's no grace period.
George: Well, didn't he regift the label maker?
Jerry: Possibly.
George: Well, if he can regift, why can't you degift?
Jerry: You may have a point.
George: I have a point. I have a point.

Quote from Newman

Newman: Oh, by the way, what are you doing for the Super Bowl?
Jerry: I dunno, watch it on TV I guess. Why?
Newman: Well, if you watch closely enough, you just might see me. I'll be the one waving to the camera from my seat on the forty yard line.
Jerry: You're going to the Super Bowl?
Newman: Yes, I am. A guy on my mail route just got a couple of tickets and he offered one to me.
Jerry: What's his name?
Newman: Tim Whatley.
Jerry: That's my ticket!
Newman: Is it?! Oh, well if only you'd known, you could have saved some time and given it directly to me! [laughs; exits]
Jerry: Newman!

Quote from George

Jerry: Wow, she rearranged her whole life for you.
George: Yeah, I guess she did. He's gone. Now I'm the man.
Jerry: That's not a good role for you.
George: No, it's not.
Jerry: You unwittingly made a major commitment. That's a lot of pressure.
George: Oh, my God.
Jerry: You wanted to be ensconced in velvet, you're buried.
George: I had the perfect situation here. He was shouldering half the load.
Jerry: He was shouldering.
George: I couldn't leave well enough alone.

Quote from Newman

Newman: Great streak of luck I'm having. First, Kramer almost beat me at Risk, but I narrowly escaped, and then Tim Whatley gives me his Super Bowl ticket.
Jerry: Can you move over at all?!
Newman: And then- Then, just as I'm about to go, these boxes show up at the post office with no labels. No labels, Jerry. You know what that means? Freebies! I got this great mini-TV and a VCR, oh it's unbelievable.
Jerry: An inch! Can you move over an inch?

Quote from George

Bonnie: Well, here we are. This is the place.
George: Wow.
Bonnie: Do you like it?
George: I love it! This is fantastic! Look at this couch, is this velvet?!
Bonnie: Are you a velvet fan?
George: A fan? I would drape myself in velvet if it were socially acceptable. And look at this, hardwood floors!

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Don't worry, Tim. I didn't come by to yell at you. I didn't come by for that at all. I just came by to pick up my label maker. I gave you a label maker and now I would like to have it back.
Tim Whatley: But you gave it to me.
Elaine: But you gave me a ticket to the Super Bowl. Hand it over, Whatley.
Tim Whatley: Uh, okay.
Elaine: You don't have the label maker, do you?
Tim Whatley: Uh, no.
Elaine: I knew it! You're a regifter!

Quote from George

George: It's a huge problem, Jerry. The hardest part about having sex with a woman is getting her to come back to your place! He's already got that.
Jerry: Well, maybe he's...
George: No. Believe me, he's not.
Jerry: So he's an eligible receiver?
George: She's confiding in him about our dates. You always like the person you talk to about the date more than the date! It's just a matter of time till they realize, "Hey, we could have sex."
Jerry: What's stopping them?
George: Exactly! You know how they get animals to reproduce in captivity? They just put them in the same cage.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: We have to put the board in a neutral place where no one will tamper with it.
Jerry: So that's here?
Kramer: Yes, yes. You're like Switzerland.
Jerry: I don't wanna be Switzerland.
Kramer: Jerry, Newman and I are engaged in a epic struggle for world domination. It's winner take all. People cannot be trusted.
Newman: Don't look at me.
Kramer: Oh, I'm looking right at you, big daddy.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: What are you gonna do about it?
Elaine: I don't know, I guess I'll just get invited up to his apartment and see if he's got a label maker.
Jerry: Why'd you get him a gift anyway?
Elaine: Oh, he did some dental work for me and he didn't charge me so I thought I'd get him a Christmas present.
Jerry: Yeah. Well, if you're getting him anything for his birthday, I'm a large.

Quote from George

Jerry: What does he look like?
George: Oh, that's the worst part of it. He looks just like me.
Jerry: He looks like you and he's working from the inside?
George: I look like me and I'm working from the outside. Who do you think is in the better position?
Jerry: Not you.
George: Ho ho. This bizarre Harrad Experiment experiment must end!

Quote from George

George: I gotta find a way to work this out, I love that apartment. It's so cozy, I'm ensconced in velvet. You know, if it were socially acceptable...
Jerry: I know, you would drape yourself in velvet.
George: I've said that before?
Jerry: Many times. You love velvet. You want to live in velvet. Everything with the velvet.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Guess what? I saw Newman talking to the super.
Jerry: So what?
Kramer: The super has keys to your apartment. Don't you see what's going on? Newman is planning a sneak attack.
Jerry: Oh. Maybe he's got no hot water.
Kramer: Yeah, all right, fine. You sit there and you watch while Newman takes over the world. But he'd be a horrible leader. And you know who's gonna suffer? The little people. You and George.

Quote from Jerry

George: What's that?
Jerry: Oh, it's Risk. It's a game of world domination being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives.

Quote from George

George: Let me ask you something. When you come out of the shower and you put your robe on, do you cinch it real tight, are you concerned about that?
Bonnie: George?
George: Do you hold the neck together with one hand, or are you just letting it flap in the breeze?
Bonnie: George, you're being ridiculous.
George: What's the massage situation?
Bonnie: What do you mean?
George: Is there any work being done? Is there any rubbing, touching, finger manipulation on the other person, and if so, who's making the request?
Bonnie: George, would you just stop?
George: Say you go to the bathroom at two o'clock in the morning, what's the outfit? I mean, you dressing up or is it come as you are?
Bonnie: George, what is wrong with you?
George: I'll tell you what's wrong, a grown woman with a male roommate! It's unnatural. It's an abomination!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Newman. He's going with Newman.
George: How does Tim Whatley even know Newman?
Jerry: Newman's his mailman.
George: Who goes to the Super Bowl with their mailman?!
Jerry: Who goes anywhere with Newman?!
George: Well, he's merry.
Jerry: He is merry, I'll give him that.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Hey. What are you doing?
Kramer: I'm watching your door.
Jerry: My door?
Kramer: Yeah, from my peephole. Fisheye, sees all.

Quote from Newman

Jerry: So, too bad about that Super Bowl ticket, eh, Newman?
Newman: Yeah. I just hope Tim Whatley's electric bills don't suddenly get lost in the mail, or it could be lights out for him.
Jerry: [leaving his own apartment] Thanks for having me over, guys.

Quote from Kramer

Newman: Are you sure you know where the impound yard is?
Kramer: Oh, stop stalling. Come on.
Newman: I can't think. There's all this noise.
Kramer: Or is it because I've built a stronghold around Greenland? I've driven you out of Western Europe and I've left you teetering on the brink of complete annihilation.
Newman: I'm not beaten yet. I still have armies in the Ukraine.
Kramer: [chuckles] Yeah? The Ukraine. Do you know what the Ukraine is? It's a sitting duck. A road apple, Newman. The Ukraine is weak. It's feeble. I think it's time to put the hurt on the Ukraine.
Ukrainian Man: I come from Ukraine. You not say Ukraine weak.
Kramer: Yeah, well we're playing a game here, pal.
Ukrainian Man: Ukraine is game to you?! How about I take your little board and smash it!

Quote from Newman

Jerry: H... G... F. Seat four. One, two, three... f-- Hello, Newman.
Newman: Hello, Jerry. Tim couldn't make it. He's in love. Isn't that wonderful?
Jerry: Oh, it's enchanting.

Quote from George

Bonnie: George, Scott's gonna drop by. He said he never got his boxes. I'll get the towels.
George: [inner monologue] How am I gonna get out of this? Think Costanza, think!
Bonnie: Here we are.
George: Hey, do you know, Bonnie, I just had a pretty wild idea.
Bonnie: What is it?
George: Well I, uh, I'm not sure how you pronounce it or anything, but I, uh, I believe it's Ménage à Trois?
Bonnie: What?
Scott: [enters] Hi.
Bonnie: Scott! Remember what we talked about the other day? George is into it.
Scott: Oh, really?!


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