George: May I ask, what do you read in the bathroom?
Jerry: I don't read in the bathroom.
George: Well, aren't you something?

Kramer: [between coughs] Hey.
George: What's with the dog?
Kramer: Yeah, this is Smuckers. I borrowed him. [Smuckers coughs] Yeah, we share the same affliction, so I'm gonna have a vet check us out.
George: A vet?
Kramer: Oh, I'll take a vet over an MD any day. They gotta be able to cure a lizard, a chicken, a pig, a frog all on the same day.
George: So, if I may jump ahead, you're gonna take dog medicine?
Kramer: You bet we are! Huh, Smuckers? [Smuckers coughs]

George: What about her place?
Jerry: She lives with her parents.
George: Really? Maybe this will become like a cool thing. Living with your parents.
Jerry: Yeah, then maybe baldness will catch on. This will all be turning your way.
George: Hey, believe me, baldness will catch on. When the aliens come, who do you think they're gonna relate to? Who do you think is going to be the first ones getting a tour of the ship?
Jerry: The baldies.

[As several women weep at the funeral]
Elaine: You know I really hate my clothes.
Jerry: Hmm.
Elaine: I open up my closet, there's just nothing.
Jerry: Hmm.
Elaine: Nothing. I hate everything I have, I really hate it. [the weeping intensifies] I mean, at this point, it's like I can wear something three or four times and that's it.
Jerry: Hmm.
Elaine: It's getting to be a terrible problem for me.

Elaine: Oh, hi, Mr. Peterman. Do you realize how short the Kalahari Bushmen are? I'm going to look like a giant to those guys. [laughs]
J. Peterman: I'm afraid I have some bad news, Elaine. It appears you will not be accompanying me to Africa.
Elaine: What? Why not?
J. Peterman: I'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine. You tested positive for opium.
Elaine: Opium?
J. Peterman: That's right, Elaine. White lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally.
Elaine: That's impossible, I've never done a drug in my life. Dr. Strugatz must have made a mistake.
J. Peterman: Not a chance. I'm afraid I'll just have to find someone else to accompany me on my journey. The dark continent is no place for an addict, Elaine.

Jerry: Is that your "chicken" making all that noise?
Kramer: Oh, Jerry loves the morning.
Jerry: Who?
Kramer: Little Jerry Seinfeld. I named my chicken after you.
Jerry: Thanks. That's very sweet. But that is not a chicken.
Kramer: Of course it is. I picked it out myself.
Jerry: Well, you picked out a rooster.
Kramer: Well, that would explain Little Jerry's poor egg production.

Jerry: Maybe he looks a little like Sugar Ray Leonard.
George: A little? Come on.
Jerry: Well, you still shouldn't have said it.
George: You think Morgan thinks I have a racial bias?
Jerry: Maybe.
George: Boy, that is so unfair. I would've marched on Selma if it was in Long Island.
Jerry: So you would have marched on Great Neck?
George: Absolutely. I still might. I always hated those girls. They would never date me.