TV Quotes

J. Peterman: Elaine, guess what. I've decided to form a charitable foundation in Susie's honor, and as Susie's best friend, I want you to be involved.
Elaine: Mr. Peterman, I'm Susie. She's me.
J. Peterman: I feel the same way. And that's why this foundation will meet around your schedule. Nights, weekends, every free moment you have. [exits]
Elaine: [screams to the heavens] Suz!

George: Well, I heard a noise.
Jerry: What noise?
George: You know, blargh!
Jerry: What blargh?
George: From the bathroom.
Jerry: Oh, you think she was, uh, refunding?
George: Every time we go out to eat, the minute we we're done eating, she's running to the bathroom.
Elaine: So you're concerned.
George: Elaine, of course I'm concerned. I'm payin' for those meals. It's like throwing money down the toilet.
Jerry: In a manner of speaking.
George: Let me digest it. Let me get my money's worth. You know, what would be good is if there was someone else in the bathroom that could tell me.

Jerry: You really used to have a thick, full head of hair.
George: Yeah, yeah. Well, I guess I started losing it when I was about twenty-eight. Right around the time I made my first million. You know, it's true what they say. The first million is the hardest one.
Lois: What do you do?
George: I'm an architect.
Lois: Have you designed any buildings in New York?
George: Have you seen the new addition to the Guggenheim?
Lois: You did that?
George: Yep. And it didn't take very long either.

Kramer: Wow, man. What a day. Could I use a drink!
Jerry: Tough day at the office?
Kramer: People kept coming in, and that phone just wouldn't stop.
Jerry: We better get going if we're gonna go to that 7:00 Hall of Fusion.
Kramer: Yeah, well, count me out. I'm swimming in it. Old man Leland is busting my hump over these reports. If I don't get them done by 9, I'm toast. [drinks scotch, gags] All right, I have to go. Oh, and listen, could you keep it down to a low roar? Some of us have to work in the morning. Thanks.

Kramer: You knew I was having a millennium party, but you just had to throw yours on the same day!
Newman: I have done nothing unethical.
Kramer: Yeah, well you're gonna have to cancel it, because I've told everybody about my party.
Newman: Cancel?! Think again, long shanks! I started planning this in 1978. I put a deposit down on that revolving restaurant that overlooks Times Square and I booked Christopher Cross.

Kramer: Now, I gotta find a good place to hide this key. Because if somebody finds this, they hold the key to all my possessions.
Elaine: Literally.
Kramer: 'Literally'? What's that supposed to mean?

Jerry: How much are they paying you?
Kramer: Let's just say I don't have to worry about working for a while. A long while.
Jerry: That's funny, because I haven't seen you working... for a while. A long while.
Kramer: And you're not going to, because I'm hanging it up. Boys, I'm retiring.
Jerry: From what?
Kramer: From the grind. I mean, who needs it? You know, I've accomplished everything I've set out to do.
Jerry: What's that?
Kramer: Oh, bought myself a little retirement gift. A gold watch. [Jerry and George "ooh"] It's not really gold. [Jerry and George "ah"]