Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The Opposite’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Opposite

522. The Opposite

Aired May 19, 1994

George decides to turn his life around by doing the opposite of what his instincts tell him to do. Kramer goes on TV to promote his coffee table book. As Jerry boasts about how everything "evens out" in his life, Elaine's luck takes a downward turn.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: It seems pretty hard to justify, at this point in history, the existence of men and their handkerchiefs. I mean, they open it up, blow their nose in it, and then put it back in their pockets with their other valuables. Wallet, keys, mucous, yup, I've got everything. Is it because men can't give birth that they're just proud of anything that comes out of us? We'll actually have a monogram sewn on to them. What is the source of pride here? We like to have it sticking up out of the breast pocket of our jacket, "I have a snot rag."

Rate

Quote from George

George: I went to the beach.
Jerry: Oh, the beach.
George: It's not working, Jerry. It's just not working.
Jerry: What is it that isn't working?
George: Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party.
Jerry: [to Elaine] Got a napkin over there?
George: It all became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat... It's all been wrong. Every one.
Waitress: Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.
George: Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of tuna on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted with a side of potato salad and a cup of tea. [manic laugh]

Quote from George

Mr. Cushman: Why don't you tell me about some of your previous work experience?
George: All righty. Uh, my last job was in publishing. I got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman.
Mr. Cushman: Go on.
George: All right. Well, before that, I was in real estate. I quit because my boss wouldn't let me use his private bathroom. [chuckles] That was it.
Mr. Cushman: Do you talk to everybody like this?
George: Of course.
Mr. Cushman: Well, my niece told me you were different.
George: I am different, yeah.
Mr. Cushman: I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we've seen.

Quote from George

George: Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice that you were looking in my direction.
Victoria: Oh, yes I was. You just ordered the same exact lunch as me.
George: [takes a deep breath] My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
Victoria: I'm Victoria. Hi.

Quote from George

Victoria: Are you growing a beard?
George: Why shave every day? It just grows right back.
Victoria: I guess.
George: I'm afraid I'm just not interested in how I present myself. If those kind of superficialities are important to you, this probably isn't gonna work.
[After a car cuts in in front of them, George has to make a sudden maneuver]
Victoria: Hey, watch it! He just cut you off! Did you see that?!
George: Take it easy. Take it easy. It's not the end of the world.

Quote from George

Man #1: Hey, baby, how about a little tongue action, huh?
Man #2: Yeah, stick your tongue down his throat!
[The loud men kick the back of George and Victoria's chairs]
Victoria: What are we gonna do? Shall we just move?
George: That won't be necessary.
[George gets up and turns to face the two men]
George: Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats! We're trying to watch the movie! And if I have to tell you again, we're gonna take it outside and I'm gonna show you what it's like! You understand me? Now, shut your mouths or I'll shut 'em for you. And if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try me. Because I would love it!
[the audience applaud as George sits down again]

Quote from George

Victoria: Are you sure you don't wanna come up? I mean, it's only nine thirty.
George: I don't think we should. We really don't know each other very well.
Victoria: Who are you, George Costanza?
George: I'm the opposite of every guy you've ever met.

Quote from George

Mr. Cushman: Ah, Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone here I'd like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He's one of the applicants.
Mr. Steinbrenner: [o.s.] Nice to meet you.
George: Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years, you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduce them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego!
Mr. Steinbrenner: Hire this man!

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: I must've had at least eight in my mouth. I couldn't talk. I couldn't talk!
Jerry: Why'd you have to eat so many?
Elaine: Because they're Jujyfruit. I like them. I didn't know it would start a chain reaction that would lead to the end of Pendant Publishing.
Jerry: Not to mention the end of Kramer's coffee table book.
Kramer: Yeah, you knew he had a cold. How'd you expect him to blow his nose?
Elaine: Do you know what's going on here? Can't you see what's happened? I've become George.
Jerry: Don't say that.
Elaine: It's true. I'm George! I'm George!

Quote from Elaine

Jake: So, then, you know, the light was clearly green, I started walking, he skidded and he went right into my hip.
Elaine: [with a mouth full of Jujyfruit] Oh, that is so terrible. That is so terrible, Jake. I mean, how can people be so stupid? Just sickening. You want one?
Jake: No thanks.
Elaine: So when do you think you're gonna get outta here?
Jake: Where did you get those?
Elaine: At the movies.
Jake: Didn't the theater manager give you the message before you went in?
Elaine: Yeah, he did.
Jake: Then when did you get those?
Elaine: Right after that.
Jake: So you heard that I was in a car accident , and then decided to stop off for some Jujyfruit?
Elaine: Well, the counter... was right there, and...
Jake: I would think, under the circumstances, it would have sent you running out the building. Apparently, it didn't have any effect on you.
Elaine: No, no, it does.
Jake: If you got into a car accident, I can guarantee you I wouldn't stop for Jujyfruits!

Quote from Kramer

Kathie Lee Gifford: I don't know, maybe it's the hair or something!
Regis Philbin: Kramer. So, Kramer, a coffee table book about coffee tables. Where did you come up with this idea?
Kramer: Yeah, well, I'll tell you, Regis. Actually, this is a true story. I was skiing at the time.
Regis Philbin: You know, when I'm skiing, Kramer, I'm trying not to kill myself, and you're writing books!
Kramer: Yeah, well, now you kids don't go out and try that. You stay in school!
Kathie Lee Gifford: Have you always had an interest in coffee tables, because, really, I love coffee tables, and I thought I was the only one.
Kramer: You see the beauty of my book is, if you don't have a coffee table, it turns into a coffee table.

Quote from George

Jerry: The New York Yankees?!
George: The New York Yankees!
Jerry: Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle ... Costanza?
George: I'm the assistant to the travelling secretary. I'm going on the road trips with them! I'll be on the plane... I'm working in Yankee Stadium! This is a dream, I'm busting, Jerry, I'm busting!
Jerry: I can't believe it.
George: And I'm moving out of my parents' house. I'm taking that apartment on 86th street, remember the one we saw?
Jerry: That's a great place!
George: I'm back in business, baby!

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: How are things going?
Elaine: How are things going? You wanna know how things are going? I'll tell you how things are going. I am getting kicked out of my apartment.
Jerry: Why? Why are they doing that?
Elaine: I don't know. They have a list of grievances.
Jerry: The jewel thief?
Elaine: Yeah, the jewel thief.
Jerry: What else?
Elaine: I put Canadian quarters in the washing machine.

Quote from George

Elaine: Uh, George, you know, that woman just looked at you.
George: So what? What am I supposed to do?
Elaine: Go talk to her.
George: Elaine, bald men with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women.
Jerry: Well, here's your chance to try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them.
George: Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should.
Jerry: If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.
George: Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: You know, life is amazing. I just lost a job and five minutes later, get another, same weekend, same money.
Kramer: You know who you are? Even Steven.

Quote from Elaine

Manager: Excuse me, is your name Elaine?
Elaine: Yes.
Manager: Were you supposed to meet a Jake Jarmal here?
Elaine: Yeah.
Manager: Well, I'm afraid he's been in an accident.
Elaine: An accident? What happened?
Manager: He got side-swiped by a cab, but he's all right. He's in St. Vincent Hospital, room 907.
Elaine: Oh. Okay. Thank you. [starts to walk out, then goes back to the counter] Could I have a box of Jujyfruits?

Quote from Kramer

Kathie Lee Gifford: This coffee table is full of pictures of celebrities' coffee tables.
Kramer: That's true. That's right.
Regis Philbin: Yeah? Well, I'm not in there. Where's mine?
Kramer: Oh, it's on file, right here. [points to his head]
Regis Philbin: I'm telling you, this guy's bonkos! He really is!
Kathie Lee Gifford: But he's adorable.
[Kramer takes a sip of coffee, then spits it out all over the hosts]
Kathie Lee Gifford: All over my Kathie Lee Casuals.
Regis Philbin: We'll be right back in a moment.

Quote from George

George: Hey, I just found twenty dollars! I tell you this, something is happening in my life. I did this opposite thing last night. Up was down, black was white, good was -
Jerry: Bad.
George: Day was-
Elaine: Night.
George: Yes!
Jerry: So you just did the opposite of everything?
George: Yes. And listen to this. Listen to this, her uncle works for the Yankees and he's gonna get me a job interview. A front office kind of thing. Assistant to the travelling secretary. A job with the New York Yankees! This has been the dream of my life ever since I was a child, and it's all happening because I'm completely ignoring every urge towards common sense and good judgment I've ever had. This is no longer just some crazy notion. Jerry, this is my religion.
Jerry: So I guess your Messiah would be the Anti-Christ.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: What, you got yourself a cold?
[As Mr. Lippman sneezes, Kramer jumps out of his seat]
Kramer: Wow, that's quite a honk!
Mr. Lippman: Oh, thank you.
Kramer: Get yourself some vitamin C with rose hips and bioflavenoids.

Quote from Elaine

Tina: Elaine, we have a problem.
Elaine: Well, what is it?
Tina: You're getting kicked out.
Elaine: Kicked out?! Why?!
Tina: Well, there's been a number of complaints.
Elaine: Yeah? Like what?
Tina: Well, like last Thanksgiving you buzzed up a jewel thief.
Elaine: I didn't know who he was!
Tina: That's why there's a buzzer.
Elaine: What else?
Tina: Well, apparently, the week after that, you buzzed up some Jehovah's Witnesses and they couldn't get them out of the building.
Elaine: What else have you got?
Tina: Well, let's see. [produces a list]

Quote from Jerry

Rachel: Well, I don't think we should see each other any more.
Jerry: Oh, that's okay.
Rachel: What?
Jerry: Nah, that's fine. No problem. I'll meet somebody else.
Rachel: You will?
Jerry: Sure. See, things always even out for me.
Rachel: Huh?
Jerry: It's fine. Anyway, it's been really nice dating you for a while. And good luck!
Rachel: Yeah, you too.
Jerry: [sings] She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes...

Quote from Estelle Costanza

Estelle Costanza: I can't believe you're moving out. [grabs Kramer] Kramer, is this true? Is it really happening? It's... It's like a dream.
Kramer: Oh, it's true.
George: All right, let's go.

Quote from George

Frank Costanza: Don't get in trouble with the Yankees. You be nice. [slaps George's forehead]
George: I'm not gonna be nice. That's how I got the job.
Estelle Costanza: Jerry, did you hear this?
Jerry: He knows what he's doing.
George: [to his parents] I just want the both of you to know how much you mean to me, and I love you both very, very much.
Jerry: [to Kramer] Opposite.

Quote from George

George: Greetings, people. Greetings. Greetings and salutations. What a beautiful day for a ball game. Let's play two! [to the waitress] Oh, I'll have the chicken salad on rye, my usual. You know what I get, darlin'. [to the gang] So, let's see, I had a little conversation today with Mr. Don Mattingly. He's the first base man. We talked about his new batting stance. You know, I'm not crazy about it, but I said , "Danny, go with it 'till it stops workin'." Donny Baseball. He's a helluva guy.


 Episode 521 Episode 601 
  Select another episode