George: It's not working, Jerry. It's just not working.
Jerry: What is it that isn't working?
George: Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party.
Jerry: [to Elaine] Got a napkin over there?
George: It all became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat... It's all been wrong. Every one.
Waitress: Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.
George: Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of tuna on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted with a side of potato salad and a cup of tea. [manic laugh]

[stand-up:]
Jerry: It seems pretty hard to justify, at this point in history, the existence of men and their handkerchiefs. I mean, they open it up, blow their nose in it, and then put it back in their pockets with their other valuables. Wallet, keys, mucous, yup, I've got everything. Is it because men can't give birth that they're just proud of anything that comes out of us? We'll actually have a monogram sewn on to them. What is the source of pride here? We like to have it sticking up out of the breast pocket of our jacket, "I have a snot rag."

Mr. Cushman: Why don't you tell me about some of your previous work experience?
George: All righty. Uh, my last job was in publishing. I got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman.
Mr. Cushman: Go on.
George: All right. Well, before that, I was in real estate. I quit because my boss wouldn't let me use his private bathroom. [chuckles] That was it.
Mr. Cushman: Do you talk to everybody like this?
George: Of course.
Mr. Cushman: Well, my niece told me you were different.
George: I am different, yeah.
Mr. Cushman: I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we've seen.

George: Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice that you were looking in my direction.
Victoria: Oh, yes I was. You just ordered the same exact lunch as me.
George: [takes a deep breath] My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
Victoria: I'm Victoria. Hi.

Victoria: Are you growing a beard?
George: Why shave every day? It just grows right back.
Victoria: I guess.
George: I'm afraid I'm just not interested in how I present myself. If those kind of superficialities are important to you, this probably isn't gonna work.
[After a car cuts in in front of them, George has to make a sudden maneuver]
Victoria: Hey, watch it! He just cut you off! Did you see that?!
George: Take it easy. Take it easy. It's not the end of the world.

Man #1: Hey, baby, how about a little tongue action, huh?
Man #2: Yeah, stick your tongue down his throat!
[The loud men kick the back of George and Victoria's chairs]
Victoria: What are we gonna do? Shall we just move?
George: That won't be necessary.
[George gets up and turns to face the two men]
George: Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats! We're trying to watch the movie! And if I have to tell you again, we're gonna take it outside and I'm gonna show you what it's like! You understand me? Now, shut your mouths or I'll shut 'em for you. And if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try me. Because I would love it!
[the audience applaud as George sits down again]

Victoria: Are you sure you don't wanna come up? I mean, it's only nine thirty.
George: I don't think we should. We really don't know each other very well.
Victoria: Who are you, George Costanza?
George: I'm the opposite of every guy you've ever met.

Mr. Cushman: Ah, Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone here I'd like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He's one of the applicants.
Mr. Steinbrenner: [o.s.] Nice to meet you.
George: Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years, you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduce them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego!
Mr. Steinbrenner: Hire this man!

Elaine: I must've had at least eight in my mouth. I couldn't talk. I couldn't talk!
Jerry: Why'd you have to eat so many?
Elaine: Because they're Jujyfruit. I like them. I didn't know it would start a chain reaction that would lead to the end of Pendant Publishing.
Jerry: Not to mention the end of Kramer's coffee table book.
Kramer: Yeah, you knew he had a cold. How'd you expect him to blow his nose?
Elaine: Do you know what's going on here? Can't you see what's happened? I've become George.
Jerry: Don't say that.
Elaine: It's true. I'm George! I'm George!

Jake: So, then, you know, the light was clearly green, I started walking, he skidded and he went right into my hip.
Elaine: [with a mouth full of Jujyfruit] Oh, that is so terrible. That is so terrible, Jake. I mean, how can people be so stupid? Just sickening. You want one?
Jake: No thanks.
Elaine: So when do you think you're gonna get outta here?
Jake: Where did you get those?
Elaine: At the movies.
Jake: Didn't the theater manager give you the message before you went in?
Elaine: Yeah, he did.
Jake: Then when did you get those?
Elaine: Right after that.
Jake: So you heard that I was in a car accident , and then decided to stop off for some Jujyfruit?
Elaine: Well, the counter... was right there, and...
Jake: I would think, under the circumstances, it would have sent you running out the building. Apparently, it didn't have any effect on you.
Elaine: No, no, it does.
Jake: If you got into a car accident, I can guarantee you I wouldn't stop for Jujyfruits!