Newman: Well, you've both presented very convincing arguments. On the one hand, Elaine, your promise was given in haste. But was it not still a promise? Hmm? And, Kramer, you did provide a service in exchange for compensation. But, does the fee, once paid, not entitle the buyer to some assurance Of reliability? Hmm? Huh? Ah. These were not easy questions to answer. Not for any man. But I have made a decision. We will... cut the bike down the middle, and give half to each of you.
Elaine: What?! This is your solution?! To ruin the bike?! All right, fine. Fine. Go ahead. [stands up] Cut the stupid thing in half.
Kramer: No, no, no. Give it to her. I'd rather it belonged to another than see it destroyed. Newman, give it to her, I beg you.
Elaine: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Newman: Not so fast, Elaine! Only the bike's true owner would rather give it away than see it come to harm. Kramer, the bike is yours!

George: Three days? Well, maybe you caught her on the cusp of a new wash cycle. You know, she did laundry the day after she met you, everything got clean and she started all over again.
Jerry: Possibly, but then shouldn't the outfit only reappear again at the end of the cycle?
George: Maybe she moved it up in the rotation.
Jerry: Why? It's our first date. She's already in reruns?
George: Very curious.
Jerry: Indeed.
George: You know, Einstein wore the exact same outfit every day.
Jerry: Well, if she splits the atom, I'll let it slide.

Jerry: Hey, is this your half a can of soda in the fridge?
Kramer: No, that's yours. My half is gone.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: Yeah, I put my half a can here on the tab. Why, what's your beef?
Jerry: You cannot buy half a can of soda.
Kramer: Well, why not?
Jerry: Well, I don't wanna get into the whole physics of carbonation with you here, but you know the sound a can makes when you open it?
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: That is the sound of you buying a whole can. And the same goes for this, okay? [Jerry holds up an apple with a huge bite missing] When you pierce the skin of a piece of fruit, you've bought the whole fruit. Not a third of an apple. Not a half of a banana. You bite it, you bought it.

Newman: Mmm. You present an interesting dilemma. Each of you seemingly has a legitimate claim to the bicycle, and yet the bicycle can have only one rightful owner. Quite the conundrum. As a federal employee, I believe the law is all we have. [getting worked up] It's all that separates us from the savages who don't deserve even the privilege of the daily mail. Stuffing parcels into mailboxes where they don't belong!
Kramer: Newman!
Newman: [calms down] But, you must promise That you will abide by my decision, no matter how unjust it may seem to either of you. Do I have your word?
Kramer: Uh, yeah.
Elaine: Yeah.
Newman: All right, let's begin. [ding] Ooh, my cocoa! [runs to the kitchen]

George: All right, I'll tell you what. You look like nice people, I'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda.
Ken: What?
George: Soda. S-O-D-A. Soda.
Carrie: I don't know. It sounds a little strange.
George: All names sound strange the first time you hear them. What, you telling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they heard it?
Ken: Yeah, but uh... Soda?
George: Yeah, that's right. It's working.
Carrie: We'll put it on the list.
George: I solve problems. That's just what I do.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I love it when people are complimented on something they're wearing and they accept the compliment as if it was about them. "Nice tie." "Well, thank you. Thank you very much." The compliment is for the tie, it's not for you, but we take it. And that's kind of the job of clothes, to get compliments for us. Because it's very hard to get compliments based on your human qualities. Right? Let's face it, no matter how nice a person you are, nobody's gonna come say, "Hey, nice person." It's much easier to be a bastard and just try and match the colors up.

Susan Ross: Seven Costanza? You're serious?
George: Yeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy or a girl. Especially a girl. Or a boy.
Susan Ross: I don't think so.
George: Wait, you don't like the name?
Susan Ross: It's not a name. It's a number.
George: I know. It's Mickey Mantle's number. So not only is it an all around beautiful name, it is also a living tribute.
Susan Ross: It's awful. I hate it!
George: Well, that's the name!
Susan Ross: Oh no, it is not! No child of mine is ever going to be named Seven!
George: [shouts] All right, let's just stay calm here! Don't get all crazy on me!

Jerry: Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it. Seven. Seven periods of school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating, and eventually seven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a service.
George: Yes, I am. I defy you to come up with a better name than Seven.
Jerry: All right, let's see. How about Mug? Mug Costanza, that's original. Or Ketchup? Pretty name for a girl.
George: All right, you having a good time there?
Jerry: I got fifty right here in the cupboard. How about Bisquik? Pimento? Gherkin? Sauce? Maxwell House?
George: All right, already! This is a very key issue with me, Jerry. I had this name for a long time.

George: Aw, come on. It's a fantastic name. It's a real original, nobody else is gonna have it and I absolutely love it.
Susan Ross: Well, I dunno how original it's gonna be any more.
George: Why not?
Susan Ross: Well I was telling Carrie about our argument, and when I told them the name, they just loved it.
George: So, what are you saying?
Susan Ross: They're gonna name their baby Seven.
George: What?! They're stealing the name?! That's my name, I made it up!
Susan Ross: I can't believe that they're using it.
George: Well, now it's not gonna be original! It's gonna lose all its cachet!
Susan Ross: I dunno how much cachet it had to begin with.
George: Oh, it's got cachet, baby! It's got cachet up the yin-yang!

Jerry: Well, I'm flattered that you would both appeal to my wisdom, but unfortunately, my friendship to each of you precludes my getting involved. What you need is an impartial mediator.
Elaine: Yeah, I'd go for that. Would you go for that?
Kramer: All right, I'm down.
Jerry: Course, it would have to be someone who hasn't heard the story before. Someone who is unencumbered by any emotional attachment. Someone whose heart is so dark, it cannot be swayed by pity, compassion, or human emotion of any kind.