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‘The Outing’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Outing

417. The Outing

Aired February 11, 1993

When a journalism student writes a profile on Jerry, he and George are outed as a gay couple. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Oh, God. You're that girl in the coffee shop that was eavesdropping on us. I knew you looked familiar.
George: Oh, no! No!
Sharon: I better get going.
Jerry: There's been a big misunderstanding here. We did that for your benefit. We knew you were eavesdropping. That's why my friend said all that. It was on purpose. We're not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

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Quote from Jerry

Jerry: So you don't take your coat off, and now everyone at NYU thinks I'm gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
George: Not at all.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: What have you got there?
Man: The New York Post. They've got an article about you.
Jerry: "Although they maintain separate residence, the comedian and his longtime companion seem to be inseparable." Oh, no. The Associated Press picked up the NYU story. That's gonna be in every paper. I've been outed. I wasn't even in.
George: Now everyone's gonna think we're gay.
Jerry: Not that there's anything wrong with that.
George: No, not at all.

Quote from George

Estelle Costanza: I open up the paper, and this is what I have to read about? I fell right off the toilet. My back went out again. I couldn't move. The super had to come and help me up. I was half-naked.
George: It's not true.
Estelle Costanza: Every day it's something else with you. I don't know anything about you anymore. Who are you? What kind of life are you leading? Who knows what you're doing. Maybe you're making porno films.
George: Yeah. I'm Buck Naked.
Estelle Costanza: You're who? Buck Naked? Jerry, I can see. He's so neat and thin. Not that there's anything wrong with it.
George: Of course not.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I am getting a little tired of pretending to be excited every time it's somebody's birthday, you know what I mean? What is the big deal? How many times do we have to celebrate that someone was born? Every year, over and over. All you did was not die for twelve months. That's all you've done, as far as I can tell. I love those astrology things where they tell you all the people that have the same birthday as you? It's always an odd group of people too, isn't it? It's like Ed Asner, Elijah Muhammad and Secretariat.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: [enters] I thought we were friends.
Jerry: Here we go.
Kramer: I mean, how could you two keep this a secret from me?
Jerry: It's not true.
Kramer: Ah, enough lying. The lying is through. Come on, Jerry, the masquerade is over. You're thin, late 30s, single.
Jerry: So are you.
Kramer: Yeah. [is visibly taken aback; exits]

Quote from George

George: [answers Jerry's phone] Hello.
Helen Seinfeld: George?
George: Mrs. Seinfeld?
Helen Seinfeld: Oh, my God.
Jerry: Oh, my God. Ma?
Helen Seinfeld: Jerry?
Jerry: Ma.
George: Oh, my God! My mother! [runs out]

Quote from George

[George and Allison enter Jerry's apartment while he's on the couch with Sharon:]
George: Jerry! Oh, my God! What are you doing?
Jerry: What?
George: You're with a woman!
Jerry: I know. What are you doing here?
George: I leave you alone for two seconds, and this is what you do? I trusted you!

Quote from Jerry

Sharon: This... This is too weird.
George: Wait a minute. You're the girl who wrote the article. Go ahead. Tell her.
Sharon: I'm out of here.
Jerry: It's not true! It's not true! Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Quote from George

Allison: What's going on?
George: All right, I'll tell you the truth. I'm not gay. My name's Buck Naked. I'm a porno actor.
Allison: [turned on] Really?
George: Oh, my God.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I am not gay. I am, however, thin, single and neat. Sometimes when someone is thin, single and neat... people assume they're gay because that's the stereotype. We normally don't think of gay people as fat, sloppy and married. Although I'm sure there are, I don't want to perpetuate the stereotype. I'm sure they're the minority, though, within the gay community. Probably discriminated against. Because of that, people say to them: "You know, Joe, I enjoy being gay with you... but I think it's about time you, you know, got in shape, tucked your shirt in and lost the wife." But if people are gonna assume that neat people are gay, maybe instead of doing this: "I think Joe might be a little... [limp hand gesture]" They should vacuum. "You know, I think Joe might be... [vroom]". Yeah. Yeah, I got a feeling he's a little... [vroom]".

Quote from Helen Seinfeld

Helen Seinfeld: [on the phone] Jerry.
Jerry: Ma, it's not true.
Morty Seinfeld: It was those damn culottes you made him wear when he was 5.
Helen Seinfeld: They weren't culottes. They were shorts.
Morty Seinfeld: They were culottes! You bought them in the girls' department.
Helen Seinfeld: By mistake. By mistake, Jerry. I'm sorry.
Morty Seinfeld: It looked like he was wearing a skirt, for crying out loud.
Jerry: It has nothing to do with the culottes.
Helen Seinfeld: Not that there's anything wrong with that, Jerry.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Hey, who do you think is the most unattractive world leader?
Jerry: Living or all time?
Elaine: All time.
Jerry: Well, if it's all time, then there's no contest. It begins and ends with Brezhnev.
Elaine: I dunno. You ever get a good look at DeGaulle?
George: Lyndon Johnson was uglier than Degaulle.
Elaine: I got news for you. Golda Meir could make them all run up a tree.

Quote from George

Allison: I don't want to live! I don't want to live!
George: Because of me? You must be joking! Who wouldn't want to live because of me? I'm nothing!
Allison: No, you're something.
George: You can do better than me. You could throw a dart out the window and hit someone better than me. I'm no good!
Allison: You're good. You're good!
George: I'm bad. I'm bad!
Allison: You're killing me!

Quote from George

George: So what could I do? I couldn't go through with it. She threatened to kill herself.
Elaine: Over you?
George: Yes. Why, is that so inconceivable?

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Hey, come here. Come here. Those two girls behind you, they're eavesdropping.
George: Really?
Elaine: [loudly] You know, just because you two are homosexuals, so what? I mean you should just come out of the closet and be openly gay already.
George: So, what do you say? You know you'll always be the only man I'll ever love.
Jerry: What's the matter with you?
George: [quietly] Come on, go along...
Jerry: I'm not going along. I can just see you in Berlin in 1939 goose-stepping past me: "Come on, Jerry, go along, go along..."
Elaine: You're no fun.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: You know, I hear that all the time.
Elaine: Hear what?
Jerry: That I'm gay. People think I'm gay.
Elaine: Yeah, you know people ask me that about you, too.
Jerry: Yeah, 'cause I'm single, I'm thin and I'm neat.
Elaine: And you get along well with women.
George: I guess that leaves me in the clear.

Quote from George

George: Hey, I just thought of a great name for myself, if I ever become a porno actor.
Jerry: Oh yeah. What, "Buck Naked"?
George: Yeah, how did you know that?
Jerry: You told me that already like two months ago.

Quote from George

George: Jerry, did you wash this pear?
Jerry: Yeah, I washed it.
George: It looks like it hasn't been washed.
Jerry: So wash it.
George: [to Sharon] You hear the way he talks to me?
Sharon: You should hear how my boyfriend talks to me.
Jerry: What?

Quote from George

George: Hey, let me ask you something. What do you think of this shirt?
Sharon: It's nice.
George: Jerry said he didn't like it.
Jerry: I didn't say I didn't like it. I said it was okay.
George: Oh, you said you didn't like it.
Jerry: Oh, well, so what if I don't like it? Is that, like, the end of the world or something?

Quote from George

Sharon: So how did you two meet?
Jerry: Oh, actually, we met in a gym locker room.
George: Yeah. Actually, it was in gym class. I was trying to climb the ropes, and Jerry was spotting me. And I kept slipping and burning my thighs. And then finally I slipped, and I fell on Jerry's head. We've been close ever since.
Sharon: Do you guys live together?
Jerry: Live together?
George: No, I got my own place.
Sharon: Oh, and do your parents know?
Jerry: Know what?
George: My parents? They don't know what's going on.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Happy birthday. "Faruba!"
Jerry: Today's not my birthday.
Kramer: Well, I beg to differ.
Jerry: Well, I think I know when my birthday is.
Kramer: Yeah, well, you'd think so, but you'd be wrong.
Jerry: Maybe he's right. Maybe it is my birthday.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: [answers phone] Hello?
Sharon: Jerry, it's Sharon from NYU.
Jerry: Oh, hi.
Sharon: I was just calling to tell you... I'm not gonna play up that angle we talked about on the story. Oh, thank you very much. That's great.
Jerry: Hold on a second. I got a call on the other line. [switches line] Hello.
George: Hey.
Jerry: How you doing? You know, I got that reporter from the newspaper... on the other line.
George: So, what did she say?
Jerry: She said she's not gonna play up that angle in the story. She thinks we're heterosexual. I guess we fooled her. All right, I'll get rid of her. Hold on. [switches line] Sharon? Hello? Sharon, are you there? [again] I'm back.
George: You know... I could hear you on the other line.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: What are you talking about?
George: I heard what you said: "Sharon, are you there?"
Jerry: You heard me talking on the other line? Are you sure?
George: Yes, I heard you.
Jerry: Maybe she was disconnected.
George: Maybe she wasn't. Maybe she heard the whole conversation.
Jerry: All right. Let me call Kramer, and see if you can hear anything. Hold on.
Kramer: Hello.
Jerry: Kramer. There may be a problem with the phone. Hold on. [switches line]
George: "There may be a problem with the phone."
Jerry: Oh, no!
Jerry: Kramer, this phone's a piece of junk. Goodbye.
George: "This phone's a piece of junk."
Jerry: Oh, no! She's heard everything! What are we going to do?
George: She thinks we're gay. Not that there's anything wrong with it.
Jerry: No, no, of course not. People's personal sexual preferences are nobody's business but their own.

Quote from George

Elaine: So she kept insisting I take off my coat. I refused, and then she forcibly tried to get me to remove it.
Jerry: She didn't take her coat off in my house, either.
George: You know, there are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep your coat on in somebody's house, the families go to war.

Quote from George

George: Fine, I'll take Elaine.
Elaine: Yes.
George: Just don't say anything to Allison.
Elaine: No, I won't. Did she see the article?
George: No. Just imagine her reaction. ... Oh, my God.
Jerry: What?
George: She hasn't seen the article. When she sees it, she's gonna think... I'm out, baby! I'm out! [runs off]

Quote from George

Allison: Yeah, so?
George: "Yeah, so?"
Allison: Well, this is nice. They mention your name.
George: Don't you see what it says here? Don't you understand what that's implying?
Allison: No. What?
George: I'm gay. I'm a gay man. I'm very, very gay.
Allison: You're gay?
George: Extraordinarily gay. Steeped in gayness.
Allison: I don't believe it.
George: You don't believe me, ask Jerry.
Allison: I will.
George: What do you mean, you will? No, no, no. That's a bad idea. Jerry's a very private person.
Allison: I wanna hear it from Jerry.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hey, how you doing?
Jerry: How you doing?
Man: [walks up close to Kramer] Hello.
George: Hi. How are you?
Jerry: Hi. How are you?
Kramer: All right, we'll see you later. [both walk off; Kramer returns] He's the phone man. [closes the door, returns] Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Quote from George

[As George sits by his mother's hospital bed, a male nurse comes to visit a patient in the next bed:]
Nurse: 6:30, Scott. Time for your sponge bath.
Scott: 6:30 already? I fell asleep.
Nurse: Let me help you off with that. Here, I'll just slip it over your head. The water's nice and warm, isn't it?
Scott: Oh, that feels really good.
Estelle Costanza: George, are you telling me the truth? [George is distracted by the curtain] George, I'm talking to you!


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