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‘The Beard’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Beard

616. The Beard

Aired February 9, 1995

After Elaine acts as a gay man's "beard", she tries to "convert" the man. Kramer sets the newly-coiffed George up with a woman. Meanwhile, Jerry's police officer girlfriend asks him to take a polygraph to prove whether or not he watches Melrose Place.

Quote from George

Jerry: So, George, how do I beat this lie detector?
George: I'm sorry, Jerry, I can't help you.
Jerry: Come on, you've got the gift. You're the only one that can help me.
George: Jerry, I can't. It's like saying to Pavarotti, "Teach me to sing like you."
Jerry: All right, well I've got to go take this test. I can't believe I'm doing this.
George: Jerry, just remember. It's not a lie if you believe it.

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Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: The whole concept of the wanted poster has gotta be the most wildly optimistic crime-fighting idea. I mean, so how does it work? Okay. I'm on line at the post office. I see the guy. I see the list of offenses. I check the guy standing in line behind me. If it's not him, that's pretty much all I can do. Okay? It's not that I don't want to help. You know the annoying thing is, why didn't they hold on to this guy when they're taking his picture? "No, we don't do it that way. We take their picture and we let them go. That's how we get the front and side shot. The front is his face. The side is him leaving."

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Not conversion. You're thinking conversion?
Elaine: Well, it did occur to me.
Jerry: You think you can get him to just change teams? He's not going to suddenly switch sides. Forget about it.
Elaine: Why? Is it irrevocable?
Jerry: Because when you join that team it's not a whim. He likes his team. He's set with that team.
Elaine: We've got a good team.
Jerry: Yeah, we do. We do have a good team.
Elaine: Well, why can't he play for us?
Jerry: They're only comfortable with their equipment.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: What are you looking for?
Kramer: Tupperware.
Jerry: Sorry. I don't have any Tupperware.
Kramer: I knew this was going to happen. I just made a delicious casserole, but now it won't keep because
I have no Tupperware.
Jerry: What about a plastic bag?
Kramer: You must be kidding.
Jerry: What is the difference?
Kramer: The patented burp, Jerry. It locks in freshness.

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: He went back? What do you mean he went back?
Elaine: He went back.
Jerry: I don't understand it. You were having such a great time, the sex, the shopping.
Elaine: Well, here's the thing. Being a woman, I only really have access to the, uh, equipment, what, thirty, forty-five minutes a week. And that's on a good week. How can I be expected to have the same expertise as people who own this equipment, and have access to it twenty-four hours a day, their entire lives.
Jerry: You can't. That's why they lose very few players.
Elaine: Yeah, I guess I never really stood a chance.
Jerry: Well, there's always a place for you on our team.

Quote from George

Elaine: You look ridiculous in that thing.
George: Is that so? Or could it be that you're just a little bit worried that you may have missed the boat?
Elaine: Well, I think they might have sutured that thing to your brain.
George: [laughs] Oh, all right. Go ahead. Deride, deride if you must. But let me tell you something, with my personality and this set of hair, you know what I am now? I am in the game. I no longer defer to the coiffed. I'm a player.

Quote from Jerry

Lou: Did Kimberly steal Jo's baby?
Jerry: I don't know. [The polygraph picks up]
Lou: Did Billy sleep with Allison's best friend?
Jerry: I don't know.
[Cathy and Lou share a look as the polygraph gets excited]
Lou: Did Jane's finance kidnap Sydney and take her to Las Vegas? And if so, did she enjoy it?
Jerry: I don't know.
Lou: Did Jane sleep with Michael again?
Jerry: ... Yes! Yes! That stupid idiot. He left her for Kimberly, he slept with her sister. He tricked her into giving him half her business, and then she goes ahead and sleeps with him again. I mean, she's crazy. How could she do something like that? Oh, that Jane, she just makes me so mad.

Quote from George

Elaine: Hey, George, you know, I am really proud of you. I really do admire what you've done.
George: Do you? That makes me so happy. Elaine's proud of me, Jerry.
Elaine: What is the matter?
George: I got rejected by a bald woman. A bald woman rejected me. Huh, you like that one? A woman with no prospects and no hair, told me that I wasn't her type. Apparently baldy likes a slimmer guy!

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: You know, I'm going as a beard.
Jerry: A beard?
Elaine: Yeah. This friend of a friend knows this banker guy. He's, I don't know, 30 years. Unbelievably gorgeous. Of course he's gay.
Jerry: Yes.
Elaine: So anyway his boss has a box at the Met and he invited us to see Swan Lake, which is fine, but he's afraid that his boss can't handle his orientation, so I'm going along as his date.
Jerry: Why are you doing this?
Elaine: Swan Lake, at the Met.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hey, man. Enjoy the food?
Homeless man: Yes I did. Where did the Chinese learn to cook like that?
Kramer: Oh, listen, I'll take that Tupperware now.
Homeless man: I don't think so.
Kramer: Whoa, whoa, that's mine.
Homeless man: You gave it to me.
Kramer: No, no. Look, I didn't say you could keep it. You see, I don't give away Tupperware.
Homeless man: You should have said something.
Kramer: I didn't think I had to. Look with a piece of Tupperware you just assume! Yeah!

Quote from Elaine

Mrs. Stevenson: So, um, you and Robert?
Elaine: Yes.
Mrs. Stevenson: Really?
Elaine: Yes, indeedy.
Mr. Stevenson: I'm surprised.
Elaine: Really. Why?
Mrs. Stevenson: No reason.
Elaine: Well, believe me, this didn't happen overnight. Robert's not exactly a one woman man, if you know what I mean. No sirree Bob. Sure, I mean in a lot of ways, he's a typical guy. He likes his sports. But he counters that side with the side you see here tonight at the ballet, or the pleasure he gets in watching Ms. Liza Minelli belt out a few choice numbers. It's those two halves of his personality that just come together to make him the very special guy that he is.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: We just got along so great.
Jerry: Of course you did. Everyone gets along great when there's no possibility of sex.
Elaine: No, no, no, I sensed something. I did sense something. I perceived a possibility Jerry.
Jerry: You realize you're venturing into uncharted waters.
Elaine: I realize that.
Jerry: Are you that desperate?
Elaine: Yes, I am.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: What's that?
Cathy: A polygraph. It's what you civilians call a lie detector test.
Jerry: Oh. Let me ask you, when someone is lying, is it true that their pants are actually on fire?
Cathy: If I could tell you the famous faces that have been up here.
Jerry: Get out.
Cathy: A certain cast member of Melrose Place.
Jerry: Really.
Cathy: Have you ever seen the show?
Jerry: No.
Cathy: You can admit it, Jerry. It's okay.
Jerry: I admit it. I don't watch it.
Cathy: Hey, Lou, maybe we should put him on the poly.
Jerry: The poly?
Cathy: Yeah. I think you've seen it.

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: Melrose Place?
Jerry: Yes. Melrose Place.
Elaine: I just didn't know you watched that.
Jerry: Well, I do.
Elaine: I mean, every time I mention it you never say anything or join in the conversation.
Jerry: Well, maybe I was a little embarrassed.
Elaine: You mean this whole time we could have been discussing Sydney and Michael and Jane...
Jerry: And Billy and Jake and Allison. Yes, we could have discussed it.
Elaine: Why? Why were you so embarrassed?

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: The point is, I'm going to be taking this lie detector test and that needle's going to be going wild.
Elaine: That is so stupid. Why don't you just confess?
Jerry: It's too stupid to confess. Look at what I'm confessing to.
Elaine: Well, what are you going to do?
Jerry: I don't know. Maybe I can beat the machine.
Elaine: Oh, who do you think you are? Costanza?
Jerry: Hey, you know what? I have access to one of the most deceitful, duplicitous, deceptive minds of our time. Who better to advise me?

Quote from George

Jerry: Hey, there he is. So what happened? Could she detect it?
George: That's an interesting question.
Jerry: How so?
George: How so? I'll tell you how so. She's bald!
Elaine: What do you mean, "bald"?
George: What do you think I mean bald? Bald. Bald bald.
Jerry: She's bald?
George: She's bald, Jerry.
Elaine: Oh, come on.
George: Oh come on? No come on. She took off her hat and there she was! Hello! It was like I was looking at myself in the mirror.

Quote from George

George: You fixed me up with a bald woman.
Kramer: [flinches] Bald?
George: Yeah, that's right.
Elaine: Do you see the irony here? You're rejecting somebody because they're bald.
George: So?
Elaine: You're bald!
George: No, I'm not. I was bald.

Quote from George

George: I tell you, when she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like my old self again. Totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, neurotic, it's a pleasure.
Jerry: Good to have you back.
George: And you know what else I've decided to do? I'm going to keep seeing the bald woman.
Jerry: She's as good as anybody else.
George: Her scalp was clean. She had a nice skull. There just wasn't a lot of hair on it.
Jerry: Yeah, you've had like a religious awakening. You're like a bald-again.


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