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‘The Beard’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Seinfeld: The Beard

616. The Beard

Aired February 9, 1995

After Elaine acts as a gay man's "beard", she tries to "convert" the man. Kramer sets the newly-coiffed George up with a woman. Meanwhile, Jerry's police officer girlfriend asks him to take a polygraph to prove whether or not he watches Melrose Place.

Quote from George

Jerry: So, George, how do I beat this lie detector?
George: I'm sorry, Jerry, I can't help you.
Jerry: Come on, you've got the gift. You're the only one that can help me.
George: Jerry, I can't. It's like saying to Pavarotti, "Teach me to sing like you."
Jerry: All right, well I've got to go take this test. I can't believe I'm doing this.
George: Jerry, just remember. It's not a lie if you believe it.

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Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: The whole concept of the wanted poster has gotta be the most wildly optimistic crime-fighting idea. I mean, so how does it work? Okay. I'm on line at the post office. I see the guy. I see the list of offenses. I check the guy standing in line behind me. If it's not him, that's pretty much all I can do. Okay? It's not that I don't want to help. You know the annoying thing is, why didn't they hold on to this guy when they're taking his picture? "No, we don't do it that way. We take their picture and we let them go. That's how we get the front and side shot. The front is his face. The side is him leaving."

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Not conversion. You're thinking conversion?
Elaine: Well, it did occur to me.
Jerry: You think you can get him to just change teams? He's not going to suddenly switch sides. Forget about it.
Elaine: Why? Is it irrevocable?
Jerry: Because when you join that team it's not a whim. He likes his team. He's set with that team.
Elaine: We've got a good team.
Jerry: Yeah, we do. We do have a good team.
Elaine: Well, why can't he play for us?
Jerry: They're only comfortable with their equipment.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: What are you looking for?
Kramer: Tupperware.
Jerry: Sorry. I don't have any Tupperware.
Kramer: I knew this was going to happen. I just made a delicious casserole, but now it won't keep because
I have no Tupperware.
Jerry: What about a plastic bag?
Kramer: You must be kidding.
Jerry: What is the difference?
Kramer: The patented burp, Jerry. It locks in freshness.

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: He went back? What do you mean he went back?
Elaine: He went back.
Jerry: I don't understand it. You were having such a great time, the sex, the shopping.
Elaine: Well, here's the thing. Being a woman, I only really have access to the, uh, equipment, what, thirty, forty-five minutes a week. And that's on a good week. How can I be expected to have the same expertise as people who own this equipment, and have access to it twenty-four hours a day, their entire lives.
Jerry: You can't. That's why they lose very few players.
Elaine: Yeah, I guess I never really stood a chance.
Jerry: Well, there's always a place for you on our team.

Quote from George

Elaine: You look ridiculous in that thing.
George: Is that so? Or could it be that you're just a little bit worried that you may have missed the boat?
Elaine: Well, I think they might have sutured that thing to your brain.
George: [laughs] Oh, all right. Go ahead. Deride, deride if you must. But let me tell you something, with my personality and this set of hair, you know what I am now? I am in the game. I no longer defer to the coiffed. I'm a player.

Quote from Jerry

Lou: Did Kimberly steal Jo's baby?
Jerry: I don't know. [The polygraph picks up]
Lou: Did Billy sleep with Allison's best friend?
Jerry: I don't know.
[Cathy and Lou share a look as the polygraph gets excited]
Lou: Did Jane's finance kidnap Sydney and take her to Las Vegas? And if so, did she enjoy it?
Jerry: I don't know.
Lou: Did Jane sleep with Michael again?
Jerry: ... Yes! Yes! That stupid idiot. He left her for Kimberly, he slept with her sister. He tricked her into giving him half her business, and then she goes ahead and sleeps with him again. I mean, she's crazy. How could she do something like that? Oh, that Jane, she just makes me so mad.

Quote from George

Elaine: Hey, George, you know, I am really proud of you. I really do admire what you've done.
George: Do you? That makes me so happy. Elaine's proud of me, Jerry.
Elaine: What is the matter?
George: I got rejected by a bald woman. A bald woman rejected me. Huh, you like that one? A woman with no prospects and no hair, told me that I wasn't her type. Apparently baldy likes a slimmer guy!

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: You know, I'm going as a beard.
Jerry: A beard?
Elaine: Yeah. This friend of a friend knows this banker guy. He's, I don't know, 30 years. Unbelievably gorgeous. Of course he's gay.
Jerry: Yes.
Elaine: So anyway his boss has a box at the Met and he invited us to see Swan Lake, which is fine, but he's afraid that his boss can't handle his orientation, so I'm going along as his date.
Jerry: Why are you doing this?
Elaine: Swan Lake, at the Met.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hey, man. Enjoy the food?
Homeless man: Yes I did. Where did the Chinese learn to cook like that?
Kramer: Oh, listen, I'll take that Tupperware now.
Homeless man: I don't think so.
Kramer: Whoa, whoa, that's mine.
Homeless man: You gave it to me.
Kramer: No, no. Look, I didn't say you could keep it. You see, I don't give away Tupperware.
Homeless man: You should have said something.
Kramer: I didn't think I had to. Look with a piece of Tupperware you just assume! Yeah!

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