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‘The Handicap Spot’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Handicap Spot

422. The Handicap Spot

Aired May 13, 1993

Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer cause trouble when they park in a handicapped spot at the mall.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: It's over!
Jerry: What's over?
Kramer: Me and Lola.
George: The woman we bought the wheelchair for?
Kramer: Yeah, she dumped me!
Jerry: She dumped you?
Kramer: She dumped me! She rolled right over me! Said I was a hipster-dufus. Am I a hipster-dufus?
Jerry & George: No.
Kramer: Said I'm not good looking enough for her. Not good looking! Jerry, look at me. Look at my
face, huh, am I beautiful? George, am I beautiful?
George: ... You're very attractive.
Kramer: Yeah. She says she doesn't wanna see me again. Told me to drop dead!

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Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Boy, that's a nice triangle.
Jerry: It's isosceles
Kramer: Ooh, isosceles. I love the name Isosceles. You know, if I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I have a friend who is about to get married, they're having the bachelor party and the bridal shower on the same day. So it's conceivable that while she's getting the lingerie, he'll be at a nude bar watching a table dancer wearing the same outfit. That is possible. But to me, the difference between being single and being married, is the form of government. You see, when you're single, you are the dictator of your own life. I have complete power. When I give the order to fall asleep on the sofa with the TV on in the middle of the day, no-one can overrule me! When you're married, you're part of a vast decision-making body. Before anything gets done there are meetings. Committees have to study the situation. And this is if the marriage works. That's what's so painful about divorce: you've been impeached and you weren't even the president!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: The Drake is great.
Elaine: Hmm. He's so nice. I'm really happy for them.
Jerry: Yeah. Well, I don't know if I'm happy for them. I mean I'm glad they're happy. But, frankly, that doesn't do anything for me.

Quote from George

Elaine: She gave it to charity.
Jerry: Charity?! That's appalling.
George: How could anybody be so selfish and inconsiderate!

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Well, I gave her the wheelchair! You should have seen the look on her face. And then she told me, that the old wheelchair, that wasn't any good anyway! So you see, George, the whole incident was a God blessing! Yeah!
George: You mean a blessing in disguise?
Kramer: Yeah.

Quote from George

Jerry: Your father got arrested? For what?
George: Parking in a handicap spot. Right in the middle of his United Volunteers meeting. When he got back, he chased after me with a baseball bat.
Jerry: Holy!
George: Well, between the car getting totaled, the towing charge and the fine, there's no way I can ever pay him back.
Jerry: So what are you gonna do?
George: I agreed to become his butler.
Jerry: What?!

Quote from George

George: Hey, is it my imagination, or do really good looking women walk a lot faster than everybody else?
Elaine: We don't walk that fast.
George: No seriously.
Elaine: Seriously, we don't.
George: The better looking they are, the faster they go! I mean, I see them out there on the street, they're zooming around. They're a blur. It's like they have a motor on their ass.

Quote from George

Elaine: Hey, how are we getting to Scott Drake's party on Saturday night?
Jerry: Oh, Drake's party, I forgot to buy a present.
George: I gotta buy a present now?
Elaine: Of course you do. It's an engagement party.
George: It never ends, this present stuff! Engagement present. Then they get married, you gonna have to get them something for that! Then the baby, there's another present. Then the baby starts getting their presents. I don't even like Drake.

Quote from George

Jerry: You don't like the Drake?
George: Hate the Drake.
Elaine: I love the Drake.
Jerry: How could you not like the Drake?
George: Who's the Drake?
Elaine: "Who's the Drake"?
Jerry: The Drake is good!
George: Eh.
Elaine: So listen, what are you gonna get him?
George: I haven't even met the fiancee! Whatever!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Elaine, look. I drew this triangle free-hand. It's a doodle. It's perfect!
Elaine: So what? That's easy.
Jerry: Easy?

Quote from Kramer

Elaine: Hi! Hey, have you gotten your present yet for the Drake?
Kramer: Uh, no, no, not yet.
Jerry: Do you like the Drake?
Kramer: I love the Drake! I'm looking forward to meeting the Drakette!
Elaine: I'm lukewarm about the Drakette.

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: Hey, you know what, maybe we should all chip in for the gift.
Jerry: The chip-in!
Elaine: Hey, a pretty good idea, huh?
Jerry: Yeah!
Kramer: Yeah, the chip-in, definitely!

Quote from George

Jerry: What about your father's car?
George: No, no, no. Out of the question. I was over there today. He's got the good spot in front of the good building in the good neighborhood. I know he's not gonna wanna move.
Jerry: Are you serious?
George: You don't know what that spot means to him. Once he gets it, he doesn't go out for weeks.
Jerry: How about this, you put your car in the good spot, that'll hold the good spot in front of the good building, and we can get the good car.
George: Good thinking.
Jerry: Good to meet you.

Quote from Jerry

George: I like this area. I could live out here.
Kramer: Yeah, we ought to all get a house and live together.
Jerry: Yeah, that's a good idea. I'll tell you what chuckles, I give you permission to sublet my room right now.

Quote from George

George: He's right! It's the same thing with the feminists. You know, they want everything to be equal, everything! But when the check comes, where are they?
Elaine: What does that mean?

Quote from George

Jerry: Do you believe the deal we got on this? A big screen TV? At that price?
Elaine: What a sale, huh? And how about that store, delivering it tonight? We're gonna be swimming in 'thank you's...
George: What did I get the veggie burger for? You got a veggie burger, so I had to get the veggie burger. It's like eating a loaf of crumbs.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Hey, what's going on over here?
Elaine: Must have been an accident.
Jerry: [to a woman] Hey, what's going on?
Woman: Some jerk parked in a handicap spot, so this woman in a wheelchair had to wheel up this incline, and half way up her batteries gave up, and she rolled backwards into the wall. Had to take her to St. Elizabeth's...
Jerry: Is she OK?
Woman: I don't know. We're just waiting here for the owner of this car to show up. He may not get out alive! Lazy buy, taking up a handicap spot. He's gonna pay!
Jerry: Son's of bitches! Good luck finding them... him... whatever. I'd like to stick around and get my hands on him myself, but I gotta take off.

Quote from George

George: What are we gonna do? How are we gonna get out of here?
Jerry: The thing is, even if we go back by the car, and they're not there, how do we know they're not all hiding, waiting for us?
Elaine: Well, they have to give up some time. They can't stay out there all night?
Jerry: What are we, John Dillinger? I mean, how did this get to be the crime of the century? It's not like we stuck a broomstick in her spokes and she went flying.
George: What I don't get is, just because the batteries went dead, you'd think she'd be able to roll up the hill with her hands!
Kramer: You'd think.
George: I mean, batteries have gone dead before, aren't they prepared for that?
Kramer: You know, most of them don't even have batteries.
George: Must have been one of those rich, spoiled handicapped people, who didn't want to do any work, and
just wanted to sit in her wheelchair and take it easy.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: What if we created some sort of diversion? What if we all went by the car and started screaming: "Hey, there he is. There's the guy that took the handicap spot!" And then, when they all run into the other direction, we'll jump in the car!
George: That's good, we'll give it a try.
Elaine: That's good...
Jerry: And if that doesn't work, we'll give 'em Kramer!
Kramer: Huh?

Quote from Frank Costanza

Frank Costanza: Eight years have I had this car. Not a scratch on it! Eight years! [slaps George] A beautiful Mercury! I special-ordered that bench seat!
George: Dad, that other car cut us off! They had swastikas all over it. They were hurling racial epithets at us, I could have been killed!
Elaine: I told you not to give it to him!
Frank Costanza: You know, my insurance doesn't cover this? The whole thing is a total loss!
Woman: Frank, the important thing is, he didn't get hurt!
Frank Costanza: No, it isn't!

Quote from George

Mahjong player #1: So what are you doing now, Georgie?
George: I'm, uh, writing a pilot for NBC.
Frank Costanza: Where the hell is my paper?
Mahjong player #1: You're writing a pilot?
Estelle: With his friend, Jerry Seinfeld, the comedian.
Mahjong player #2: So what's it about?
George: Well, Jerry's car gets hit and the other driver doesn't have any insurance, so the judge sentences him to be Jerry's butler.
Mahjong player #2: This is the same situation!
Mahjong player #3: Frank, maybe you ought to make him your butler!

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Every time you're with that Kramer, something happens. He's a real trouble maker!
George: Ma, he didn't have anything to do with it...
Elaine: He's all together crazy, that one! And Jerry? I used to think was nice I don't know what happened to him.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Well, the handicapped woman? I went to see her.
Elaine: You went to see her?
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: Wow, what happened?
Kramer: I'm in love.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: Yeah, she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I love her, Jerry. I mean, I really love her. I'm gonna ask her to marry me. She's got everything I've always wanted in another human being. Except for the walking.
Jerry: Oh, what's the difference, you don't go out that much.

Quote from George

Kramer: Ah, I'm glad you're here.
George: Why?
Kramer: All right, now, we gotta go out. We gotta buy a wheelchair.
George: A wheelchair? What for?
Kramer: Well, you know I went to the hospital today. I saw the woman, you know, and the wheelchair is totaled, we gotta get her another one!
George: Doesn't she have collision?

Quote from George

George: Can't we just fix the old one?
Kramer: All right, all right. Fine, George! Don't chip in! But some day, we're gonna be driving along, we're gonna look out the window, and see her crawling along 5th avenue! Is that what you want?
George: All right, all right! We'll buy her a wheelchair! Wheelchairs, engagement presents... It never ends!

Quote from George

Salesman: This is out best model. The Cougar 9000. It's the Rolls Royce of wheelchairs. This is like... you're almost glad to be handicapped.
Kramer: So now, what's this got?
Salesman: Inductive joystick, dynamic braking, flip-up arms, it's fully loaded. I put Stephen Hawking in one of these two months ago. He's loving it! It's rated number one by Hospital Supply and Prosthetic Magazine.
George: How much?
Salesman: $6200.
George: Do you have something a little more... less expensive?

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: Drake gave her the TV?
Jerry: He gave her all the gifts. He felt guilty.
Elaine: Well, she can't keep it. It's not fair. That's our TV!
Jerry: I know it is!
Elaine: Boy, I am really starting to dislike the Drake!
Jerry: I hate the Drake! Maybe the whole thing was a scam. Anybody can just get engaged and get presents and just keep them all. Maybe they're on their way to Chicago tomorrow and do the whole thing all over again.
Elaine: They don't know anybody in Chicago.
Jerry: Don't worry, they'll make friends fast with that nice TV.

Quote from George

George: Hey.
Jerry: Hey, guess what? The Drake broke up.
George: The Drake broke up?! That's fantastic! Now we get the TV back! It'll help defray some of the cost of the wheelchair.
Jerry: I don't know about defraying.
George: Why?
Jerry: We're not getting that TV.
George: What do you mean? The engagement is off. We get the TV back. That's business.
Elaine: The Drakette took it.
George: She can't take it. It's not hers, it's theirs. Once there's no theirs, there's no hers. It should be ours.
Elaine: Well, she has it!
George: I told you the Drake was bad! I hate the Drake!

Quote from Elaine

George: Maybe we should call her.
Elaine: Well, who's gonna call?
Jerry: You are.
Elaine: What? Why is it me who always has to do these things?
Jerry: Because that's your thing!
Elaine: What? Calling people I hardly know, and demanding they return expensive gifts? That's my thing?
Jerry: Yeah, that's your thing.
Elaine: All right, give me the phone. It's my thing.

Quote from Frank Costanza

Cop: Mr. Costanza?
Frank Costanza: Yes?
Cop: You're under arrest.
Frank Costanza: Under arrest? What for?
Cop: Reckless endangerment of public safety, and violation of traffic code 342-A.
Frank Costanza: What's that?
Cop: Parking in a handicap spot. Let's go.
Frank Costanza: George! George!

Quote from Frank Costanza

Frank Costanza: [picks up shoes] I don't think you did such a good job on these...
George: [turns off vacuum] What!?
Frank Costanza: You're supposed to your face there! Do you see your face in there?

Quote from George

Frank Costanza: George, forget about the shoes. I want you to do something for me. This handicapped woman had an accident. Somebody gave her a used wheelchair with defective brakes.
George: Sons of bitches!
Frank Costanza: Anyway, I want you to pick up this big screen TV, and deliver it to her.
George: Big screen TV?
Frank Costanza: Do you think you can handle it?

Quote from Kramer

George: I hate this mall, there are never any spaces here.
Kramer: Why don't you park in front of the hydrant?
George: What if there is a fire?
Kramer: Now, what are the chances of that?

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: The handicapped parking spot is the mirage of the parking desert. Do you know that feeling? You see it there in the distance. It's almost- You can't believe your eyes. It's too good to be true. It's a big, wide spot. It's right by the entrance. Somehow everybody missed it. What is the handicapped parking situation at the Special Olympics? [audience groans] They must have to stack, like, a hundred cars into those two spots. How else are they gonna do it?

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Said I'm not good looking enough for her. Not good looking! Jerry, look at me. Look at my face, huh, am I beautiful? George, am I beautiful?
George: ... You're very attractive.
Kramer: Yeah. She says she doesn't wanna see me again. Told me to drop dead!

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Why don't you take a handicap spot?
George: You think?
Elaine: No, no! We'll find a space. There's spaces in the other lot.
George: I don't want to walk that far.
Elaine: What if a handicapped person needs it?
Kramer: Oh, come on. They don't drive!
Jerry: Yes, they do!
Kramer: Have you ever seen a handicapped person pull into a space and park?
Jerry: Well there's spaces there, they must drive!
Kramer: Well they don't. If they could drive, they wouldn't be handicapped.
Elaine: So if you can drive, you're not handicapped?
George: Look, we're not gonna be that long anyway. We have to get to the "party"!
Kramer: I got news for you: handicapped people, they don't even want to park there! They wanna be treated just like anybody else! That's why, those spaces are always empty.

Quote from Jerry

George: How are we gonna get out of here? We need a plan.
Jerry: I've got it! [snaps his fingers] We give the keys to Elaine.
Elaine: Me?
Jerry: Yeah. You're a woman. Men don't hit a woman.
Elaine: Oh, they won't?
Jerry: Not if they don't know you.


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