Timmy: Did you just double-dip that chip?
George: Excuse me?
Timmy: You double-dipped the chip!
George: "Double-dipped"? What are you talking about?
Timmy: You dipped the chip. You took a bite. And you dipped again.
George: So...?
Timmy: That's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip! From now on, when you take a chip, just take one dip and end it!
George: Well, I'm sorry, Timmy... but I don't dip that way. [takes a chip]
Timmy: Oh, you don't, huh?
George: No. [dips the chip] You dip the way you want to dip... [bites the chip] I'll dip the way I want to dip. [dips again]

Jerry: Oh, how can you be so sure?
Kramer: Jerry, are you blind? He's a writer. He said his name was Sal Bass. Bass. Instead of salmon, he went with bass. He just substituted one fish for another.
Jerry: Look, you idiot. First of all, it's "Salman", not "Salmon".
Kramer: Jerry! Jerry, you're missing the big picture.

Elaine: You've dated women with nose jobs, what's the difference?
Jerry: You don't touch the nose. You don't aspire to reach the nose. You don't unhook anything to get to a nose, and no man has ever tried to look up a woman's nostril.
Elaine: You've put a lot of thought into this, haven't you?
Jerry: Well, I take it very seriously.
Elaine: You know, sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool.

Jerry: So, you going to the funeral?
George: Why, you think I should?
Jerry: What, are you kidding? It's a golden opportunity to advance the relationship. She's crying, you put your arm around her and console her, you're the consolation guy!
George: I'm the consolation guy?
Kramer: Consolation Guy is big.
Jerry: Her aunt dying is the best thing that ever happened to you.
Kramer: It's like ten dates in one shot.
Jerry: This confers upon you instant boyfriend status. The family's there. You're taking care of things, you're getting the sandwiches, you're the rock!

Elaine: [inner monologue] Boy, I'm getting a good sweat here. Great sweat, good beads. Nice beads. [Sidra enters with a friend] Ah, look who's here. "Silicon Valley."
Sidra: [to her friend] So anyway, we go out on one date, he asks me out for a second, then out of nowhere he cancels the date and says he doesn't want to see me again.
Elaine: [audibly] Ugh. ... Sorry, I couldn't help overhearing.
Sidra: Oh, that's okay.
Elaine: Did he give you a reason?
Sidra: Yeah. He's going back to his old girlfriend.
Elaine: Really?
Sidra: He said she's mentally ill. He's one of those guys who is obsessed with neatness and order? Everything has gotta be just so. He would have made a great Nazi.
Elaine: Hey, does he ever talk about Superman?
Sidra: Yes! How did you know?
Elaine: Oh, I know the type.

Jerry: There's Sidra.
Kramer: There's Salman.
Jerry: Where?
Kramer: Talking to that woman.
Jerry: Talking to Sidra?
Kramer: If that's Sidra, she's talking to Salman.
Jerry: I don't think that's Salman.
Kramer: Well, I don't think they're real.
Jerry: If that's Rushdie, they're real.
Kramer: If they're real, that's Rushdie.
Jerry: Well, I gotta know. I'm talking to Sidra.
Kramer: I gotta know, I'm talking to Salman.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I don't belong to a health club. I have a strict limit on the number of naked men I need to see in one day. Zero. That's it. What is with the high level of security at the health club? You know what I mean? The picture IDs. Security guards. People signing in and out. What is this, the Kremlin? I mean, the people that have a membership go twice a year. Who's breaking in? Is this a big problem? People stealing exercise? And what if they catch the person? What then? They run. It's aerobic. Makes it even worse.

Jerry: Look at George. He's on his ninth date with Betsy. He still hasn't gotten anywhere with her.
Elaine: What's his problem?
Jerry: Well, every time he tries to make a move, something screws up. Like on their last date, they were on the couch, but she was sitting on his wrong side.
Elaine: Wrong side?
Jerry: Yeah, she was on his right side. He can't make a move with his left hand. Can't go left.
Elaine: He can't go left.
Jerry: No! I'm lefty, can't go right. What about women? Do they go left or right?
Elaine: Nah, we just play defense.

Betsy: [phone rings] Oh.
George: No, no. The machine will get it.
Betsy:: No, no, it's not on.
George: They'll call back.
Betsy:: But George, what if it's an emergency?
George: In the whole world right now, there's maybe three emergencies. Why would you think, on this entire planet, that you're one of those three?
Betsy:: George, please. [gets up and answers the phone] Hello? What? Oh, my God!
George: All right, maybe four.

Elaine: [inner monologue] Boy, I'm really sweating. Good sweat, beads of sweat, sweating bullets. Look at her. I don't need to see her naked to know those aren't real. Why does she need to tie the towel around her? She's got a rack on her chest. Oh, God! Sidra's taking the towel off! Whoa, doctor! That's it, I knew it! I knew it, they're definitely fake.