Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The Implant’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Implant

419. The Implant

Aired February 25, 1993

Jerry breaks up with a woman, Sidra (guest star Teri Hatcher), because Elaine thinks her breasts are fake. George becomes the "consolation guy" when his girlfriend Betsy (Megan Mullally) suffers a bereavement. Meanwhile, Kramer is convinced he saw Salman Rushdie at the gym.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Oh, how can you be so sure?
Kramer: Jerry, are you blind? He's a writer. He said his name was Sal Bass. Bass. Instead of salmon, he want with bass. He just substituted one fish for another.
Jerry: Look, you idiot. First of all, it's "Salman", not "Salmon".
Kramer: Jerry! Jerry, you're missing the big picture.

Rate

Quote from George

Timmy: Did you just double-dip that chip?
George: Excuse me?
Timmy: You double-dipped the chip!
George: "Double-dipped"? What are you talking about?
Timmy: You dipped the chip. You took a bite. And you dipped again.
George: So...?
Timmy: That's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip! From now on, when you take a chip, just take one dip and end it!
George: Well, I'm sorry, Timmy... but I don't dip that way. [takes a chip]
Timmy: Oh, you don't, huh?
George: No. [dips the chip] You dip the way you want to dip... [bites the chip] I'll dip the way I want to dip. [dips again]

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: You've dated women with nose jobs, what's the difference?
Jerry: You don't touch the nose. You don't aspire to reach the nose. You don't unhook anything to get to a nose, and no man has ever tried to look up a woman's nostril.
Elaine: You've put a lot of thought into this, haven't you?
Jerry: Well, I take it very seriously.
Elaine: You know, sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: So, you going to the funeral?
George: Why, you think I should?
Jerry: What, are you kidding? It's a golden opportunity to advance the relationship. She's crying, you put your arm around her and console her, you're the consolation guy!
George: I'm the consolation guy?
Kramer: Consolation Guy is big.
Jerry: Her aunt dying is the best thing that ever happened to you.
Kramer: It's like ten dates in one shot.
Jerry: This confers upon you instant boyfriend status. The family's there. You're taking care of things, you're getting the sandwiches, you're the rock!

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: [inner monologue] Boy, I'm getting a good sweat here. Great sweat, good beads. Nice beads. [Sidra enters with a friend] Ah, look who's here. "Silicon Valley."
Sidra: [to her friend] So anyway, we go out on one date, he asks me out for a second, then out of nowhere he cancels the date and says he doesn't want to see me again.
Elaine: [audibly] Ugh. ... Sorry, I couldn't help overhearing.
Sidra: Oh, that's okay.
Elaine: Did he give you a reason?
Sidra: Yeah. He's going back to his old girlfriend.
Elaine: Really?
Sidra: He said she's mentally ill. He's one of those guys who is obsessed with neatness and order? Everything has gotta be just so. He would have made a great Nazi.
Elaine: Hey, does he ever talk about Superman?
Sidra: Yes! How did you know?
Elaine: Oh, I know the type.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: There's Sidra.
Kramer: There's Salman.
Jerry: Where?
Kramer: Talking to that woman.
Jerry: Talking to Sidra?
Kramer: If that's Sidra, she's talking to Salman.
Jerry: I don't think that's Salman.
Kramer: Well, I don't think they're real.
Jerry: If that's Rushdie, they're real.
Kramer: If they're real, that's Rushdie.
Jerry: Well, I gotta know. I'm talking to Sidra.
Kramer: I gotta know, I'm talking to Salman.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I don't belong to a health club. I have a strict limit on the number of naked men I need to see in one day. Zero. That's it. What is with the high level of security at the health club? You know what I mean? The picture IDs. Security guards. People signing in and out. What is this, the Kremlin? I mean, the people that have a membership go twice a year. Who's breaking in? Is this a big problem? People stealing exercise? And what if they catch the person? What then? They run. It's aerobic. Makes it even worse.

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: Look at George. He's on his ninth date with Betsy. He still hasn't gotten anywhere with her.
Elaine: What's his problem?
Jerry: Well, every time he tries to make a move, something screws up. Like on their last date, they were on the couch, but she was sitting on his wrong side.
Elaine: Wrong side?
Jerry: Yeah, she was on his right side. He can't make a move with his left hand. Can't go left.
Elaine: He can't go left.
Jerry: No! I'm lefty, can't go right. What about women? Do they go left or right?
Elaine: Nah, we just play defense.

Quote from George

Betsy: [phone rings] Oh.
George: No, no. The machine will get it.
Betsy:: No, no, it's not on.
George: They'll call back.
Betsy:: But George, what if it's an emergency?
George: In the whole world right now, there's maybe three emergencies. Why would you think, on this entire planet, that you're one of those three?
Betsy:: George, please. [gets up and answers the phone] Hello? What? Oh, my God!
George: All right, maybe four.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: [inner monologue] Boy, I'm really sweating. Good sweat, beads of sweat, sweating bullets. Look at her. I don't need to see her naked to know those aren't real. Why does she need to tie the towel around her? She's got a rack on her chest. Oh, God! Sidra's taking the towel off! Whoa, doctor! That's it, I knew it! I knew it, they're definitely fake.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: You know, I do kinda wonder what fake breasts feel like.
Kramer: Well, I know what they feel like.
Jerry: You? How do you know?
Kramer: Well, I lived in Los Angeles for three months.
Elaine: [laughs] I thought you hated Los Angeles.
Kramer: I do! I just miss the warm weather, you know? Jeez. Oh man, I wish I could get away.
Jerry: Real busy now down at the office?
Kramer: No. Huh? You know who I saw at the health club? Salman Rushdie.
Elaine: [laughing] Yeah right, Salman Rushdie. Yeah, well, I can see that. you got five millions Muslims after you, you wanna stay in pretty good shape.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: So anyway, I stood up to shake her hand, then suddenly I lost my balance and I fell right into her.
Jerry: You fell on her?
Elaine: I touched them.
Jerry: You what?
Elaine: I... touched... them.
Jerry: You touched them?!
Elaine: I needed them to help me break my fall! If it hadn't been for them, I could have really injured myself!

Quote from Kramer

George: [to clerk] You see, my friend here, his aunt passed away last night.
Clerk: [to Kramer] Oh, I'm very sorry.
Kramer: [sobbing] I saw her last week, she looked healthy and peaceful, but... she knew.
Clerk: You poor thing!
Kramer: I... [breaks into tears]
George: You don't think you can buy the ticket yourself...? No, there, there... You sit, and I'll purchase the ticket for you.
Clerk: You're a good friend.
George: I understand you offer a 50%-off 'bereavement' fare...?
Clerk: Yes, all you have to do is pay the full fare now, then return to any one of our counters with a copy of the death certificate, and we'll refund half your fare.
George: The death certificate?
Clerk: Yes. Yes, we do need documentation or you know, people could take advantage.
George: What kind of a sick person would do a thing like that?
Clerk: I know! But it happens.
George: You want my friend to ask his uncle, a man who just lost his wife of 44 years, for a death certificate so that he can save a few bucks on a flight?
Clerk: That would be $387 round-trip.
Kramer: [normal] All right, so you'll need my frequent flyer number, huh?
Clerk: Yes.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: It's like a sauna in here, huh? I feel like I'm... back at the desert.
Rushdie: You've lived in the desert?
Kramer: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've, uh... I've spent a little time in the Mideast. You ever been to the Mideast?
Rushdie: Yes, I've been there.
Kramer: My name's Kramer.
Rushdie: Sal Bass. Pleased to meet you, Kramer.
Kramer: So, uh, what kind of work do you do?
Rushdie: I'm a writer.

Quote from George

Aunt May: Betsy, dear, have you had anything to eat?
Betsy: I'm not hungry.
Aunt May: They have some very nice snacks.
Father Jessup: I'm about to get myself a snack.
George: [to Betsy] Oh, no. You sit right here. I will get you a nice snack. [chuckles; walks over to the table]
Father Jessup: This is my, uh, third wake this month. Never gets any easier.
George: Well, losing a loved one is... I mean, forget about it. [eats furiously]
Father Jessup: You seem to be a great comfort to Betsy. We're very appreciative.
George: Oh, comfort, schmfort. Listen, Father, can I ask you a question? In a terrible time like this, who would I get the death certificate from?

Quote from George

Dr. Allenwood: Why do you need a death certificate?
George: Well, Dr, Allenwood, um.... I was hoping to compile an - admittedly, rudimentary - scrapbook of her life. Something that Betsy could have, and hold onto.
Dr. Allenwood: Well, I suppose I could make a copy of it.
George: Oh, that would be wonderful.
Dr. Allenwood: It was very nice meeting you, George.
George: Likewise.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: What are you doing here?
Elaine: I'm looking for Kramer.
Kramer: Yeah, she was just showing me pictures of places I can visit when I go to Puerto Rico. You know, when you two went down there?
Jerry: Oh. yeah. All right. [pushes Kramer and Elaine out the door] So, where were we?
Sidra: I was just leaving.
Jerry: Right, you were leaving.
Sidra: I can't believe you sent a woman into the sauna to do that.
Jerry: That was an accident!
Sidra: I think you're both mentally ill. [leaves, then returns] And by the way, they're real, and they're spectacular.

Quote from George

Clerk: All right sir, now all I need is a death certificate and you'll be on your way.
George: Well, you see, what happened was, um... The doctor... The very same doctor that was attending to my late aunt suffered an untimely stroke, and lost the use of his right hand, so... Obviously, I was unable to get the death certificate. However, I do have this. [takes out a Polaroid]
Clerk: What's this?
George: That's a picture of me next to the coffin.
Clerk: Nice try.
George: Not even close, huh?
Clerk: No.


 Episode 418 Episode 420 
  Select another episode