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‘The Bottle Deposit’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Bottle Deposit

721. The Bottle Deposit

Aired May 2, 1996

Newman and Kramer decide to collect bottles for recycling and drive them to Michigan for the bigger deposit. Mr. Peterman asks Elaine to bid on JFK's golf clubs at charity auction. Jerry takes his car to Tony (Brad Garrett), a mechanic who takes his work very seriously.

Quote from Newman

Newman: It's the truck, Kramer. The truck!
Kramer: Look, Newman, I told you to let this thing go.
Newman: No, no, no, no no. Listen to me. Most days, the post office sends one truckload of mail to the second domestic regional sorting facility in Saginaw, Michigan.
Kramer: Uh-huh.
Newman: But, on the week before holidays, we see a surge. On Valentine's Day, we send two trucks. On Christmas, four, packed to the brim. And tomorrow, if history is any guide, will see some spillover into a fifth truck.
Kramer: Mother's Day.
Newman: The mother of all mail days. And guess who signed up for the truck.
Kramer: A free truck? Oh boy, that completely changes our cost structure. Our G and A goes down fifty percent.
Newman: We carry a couple of bags of mail, and the rest is ours!
Kramer: Newman, you magnificent bastard, you did it!
Newman: Let the collecting begin!

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Quote from Mr. Steinbrenner

Mr. Steinbrenner: Let me ask you something, George. You having any personal problems at home? Girl trouble, love trouble of any kind?
George: No, sir.
Mr. Steinbrenner: What about drugs? You doing some of that crack cocaine? You on the pipe?
George: No, sir.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Are you seeing a psychiatrist? Because I got a flash for you young man, you're non compos mentis! You got some bats in the belfry!

Quote from Mr. Steinbrenner

George: What are you talking about?
Mr. Steinbrenner: George, I've read this report. It's very troubling. Very troubling indeed. It's a sick mind at work here.
[Two medical orderlies enter Mr. Steinbrenner's office behind George]
Mr. Steinbrenner: Okay, come on boys. Come on in here. George, this is Herb and Dan. They're gonna take you away to a nice place where you can get some help. They're very friendly people there. My brother-in-law was there for a couple of weeks. The man was obsessed with lactating women. They completely cured him, although he still eats a lot of cheese. [the orderlies grab George]
George: But you see- You see, I didn't write that report. That, that's not mine.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Of course you didn't, George. Of course you didn't write it. [they start to drag George out]
George: I didn't do it! It..It just got done. I don't know how it got done, but it did.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Of course. Of course it got done. Things get done all the time, I understand. [as George disappears] Don't worry, your job'll be waiting for you when you get back. Get better George. Get better!

Quote from J. Peterman

J. Peterman: You know what a huge fan I am of John F. Kennedy.
Elaine: I do.
J. Peterman: It was the Peace Corps that gave me my start in this business. Clothing the naked natives of Bangtubesh.
Elaine: The pygmy pullover.
J. Peterman: Sotheby's is having an auction of JFK's memorabilia. One item in particular has caught my eye. The presidential golf clubs. To me, they capture that indefinable romance that was Camelot

Quote from Kramer

Newman: What is this, "MI: ten cents"?
Kramer: That's Michigan. In Michigan you get ten cents.
Newman: Ten cents!?
Kramer: Yeah.
Newman: Wait a minute. You mean you get five cents here and ten cents there. You could round up bottles here and run them out to Michigan for the difference.
Kramer: No, it doesn't work.
Newman: What do you mean it doesn't work? You get enough bottles together...
Kramer: Yeah, you overload your inventory and you blow your margins on gasoline. Trust me, it doesn't work.
Jerry: Hey, you're not talking that Michigan deposit bottle scam again, are you?
Kramer: No, no, I'm off that.
Newman: You tried it?
Kramer: Oh yeah. Every which way. Couldn't crunch the numbers. It drove me crazy.

Quote from George

Jerry: The song, "Downtown"? You mean the Petula Clark song?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: You sure he didn't just mention it because you happened to be going downtown?
George: I think he was trying to tell me something, like it had some sort of a meaning.
Jerry: Okay, so how does it go?
George: "When you're alone, and life is making you lonely, you can always go..."
Jerry: "Downtown."
George: "Maybe you know some little places to go, where they never close..."
Jerry: "Downtown."
George: Wait a second. "Little places to go, where they never close." What's a little place that never closes?
Jerry: 7-Eleven.
George: Maybe. "Just listen to the music of the traffic in the city. Linger on the sidewalk where the neon lights are pretty." Where the neon lights are pretty. The Broadway area?
Jerry: No, that's midtown.
George: "The lights are much brighter there. You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares, just go..."
Jerry: "Downtown."
George: "Things'll be great, when you're..."
Jerry: "...Downtown."
George: I got nothing, Jerry. Nothing.
Jerry: Well, 'don't hang around and let your troubles surround you. There are movie shows...

Quote from Kramer

Kramer & Newman: 9999 bottle and cans in the trunk, 9999 bottles and cans. At 10 cents a bottle and 10 cents a can, we're pulling in $500 a man. 9998 bottle and cans in the trunk, 9998 bottles and cans. We fill up with gas, we count up our cash!

Quote from George

Wilhelm: Did you go down to payroll?
George: Yes, payroll. Yes, I did. Very productive. Payroll... paid off.
Wilhelm: Well, then, I guess you'll be heading downtown then, huh?
George: Oh, yeah. Downtown. Definitely.
Wilhelm: Well, I'm very interested to see how this thing turns out.
George: [to himself] Yeah, you said it. Uh, excuse me, Mr Wilhelm. Uh, do you really think... Well, is this downtown trip really necessary, you know, for the project?
Wilhelm: Oh no, you've got to go downtown, George. It's all downtown. Just like the song says.
George: The song?
Wilhelm: There's your answer, "Downtown".

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I love it when you get your car back from the car place, and it's got that paper mat on the floor. Like they're so obsessed with cleanliness, they don't even want their shoes to touch the carpet. Meanwhile, the mechanic comes out; he looks like Al Jolson. He's covered in goo, from head to toe. You can't even see him. Although, I prefer that to when they have the lab coat, the clipboard and the nice glasses. Now you know you're getting screwed. "Can I see it?" "You better not. It's idling quietly right now. I think it should stay overnight. We wanna keep an eye on it, and we wanna keep the bill running up."

Quote from Jerry

George: So he walks out of the stall, he's been talking the whole time.
Jerry: He pulled an LBJ on you.
George: LBJ?
Jerry: Lyndon Johnson used to do that to his staffers.
George: No kidding?
Jerry: Oh yeah. He'd hold national security meetings in there. He planned the Hanoi bombing after a bad Thai meal.

Quote from Newman

Newman: I don't understand. You fill an eighteen-wheeler?
Kramer: No, an eighteen-wheeler's no good. Too much overhead. You got permits, weigh-stations, tolls... Look, you're way outta your league.
Newman: I wanna learn. I want to know why.

Quote from Jerry

Tony: Oh, yeah. I remember this car. Beautiful car.
Jerry: Yeah. So, anyway, the engine's been idling a little rough. I thought it might be time for a check up... [Tony climbs inside] There's really nothing wrong on the inside.
Tony: Well, the shift knob is loose. You know about that?
Jerry: No, I hadn't noticed.
Tony: Have you been picking at it?
Jerry: Have I been picking at it? No, you know, it's just wear and tear.
Tony: Wear and tear. I see.
Jerry: The engine is really the only thing that needs checking.
Tony: You been rotating the tires?
Jerry: Try to.
Tony: You don't try to. You do it! Fifty-one percent of all turns are right turns. You know that? That's right.

Quote from Jerry

Tony: Thanks for coming in, Jerry.
Jerry: Sure.
Tony: I think I know what's going on here, and I just wanna hear it from you. But I want you to be straight with me. Don't lie to me, Jerry. You know that motor oil you're putting in there? It's from one of those Quicky-Lube places, isn't it?
Jerry: Well, I change it so often, I mean to come all the way down here...
Tony: Jerry, motor oil is the lifeblood of a car. Okay, you put in a low-grade oil, you could damage vital engine parts. Okay. See this gasket? I have no confidence in that gasket.
Jerry: I really want to...
Tony: Here's what I wanna do. I want to overhaul the entire engine. But it's gonna take a major commitment from you. You're gonna have to keep it under sixty miles an hour for a while. You gotta come in, and you gotta get the oil changed every thousand miles.
Jerry: How much money is this gonna cost me?
Tony: [scoffs] I don't understand you. It's your own car we're talking about. You know, you wrote the wrong mileage down on the form? You barely know the car. You don't know the mileage, you don't know the tire pressure. When was the last time you even checked the washer fluid?
Jerry: The washer fluid is fine.
Tony: The washer fluid is not fine!

Quote from Jerry

Detective: What was the suspect wearing at the time of the incident?
Jerry: You know, like mechanic's pants, a shirt that said 'Tony'. Let me ask you something, have you ever seen a case like this before?
Detective: All the time. A mechanic forms an emotional attachment, thinks he's gonna lose the car, he panics, he does something rash. I'm gonna ask you some personal questions. I'm sorry if I touch a nerve, but I think it'll
help with the case. Had you been taking good care of the car?
Jerry: Had I been taking...?
Detective: Well, did you leave the A/C on? Do you zip over speed bumps? Do you ride the clutch? Things like that.
Jerry: W- Well, what does it matter? It's my car, I can do whatever I want with it. [the detective stares at Jerry] Not that I would think of doing such things.

Quote from George

Jerry: I don't get it. He assigns it to you, you don't do it. Somehow it gets done, and now he's telling you what a great job you did.
George: Maybe somebody did it and didn't take credit for it. Maybe it was already done and didn't need doing in the first place. I have no idea who did it, what they did, or how they did it so well. And you know what? Jimmy crack corn and I don't care!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: [answers phone] Hello.
Tony: Hey Jerry, it's Tony.
Jerry: Tony, where are you?
Tony: Aw look, I just want you to know that the car is fine. I got her all fixed up. We're in a nice area, no potholes, no traffic. So there's nothing to worry about. Okay? In fact, here, somebody wants to talk to you. [Tony holds the phone toward the dash and revs the engine a little]
Jerry: Tony, you better bring that car back!
Tony: Nobody's giving anything back! You tried to take it from me, I don't forget that.
Jerry: Tony, it is my car, and I want it back!
Tony: Oh, your car. You want your car back!
Jerry: Tony.
Tony: Listen, that registration may have your name on it, Jerry. But this engine's running on my sweat and my blood. [hangs up]
Jerry: Where do I find these guys?

Quote from George

George: [on the phone] Steinbrenner had me committed! I'm in the nuthouse!
Deena: [to her father] I'll be back same time next week, Pop.
George: They took my belt, Jerry. I got nothing to hold my pants up. Well, you gotta come over here now! Just tell 'em what we talked about, how I, how I, I didn't do the project.
Deena: George? I see you're finally getting some help.
George: Aw, oh, oh Deena, thank God. [hugs her] Thank God you're here. Listen, you gotta help me. You gotta tell these people that I'm okay. You know that I don't belong in here.
Deena: George, this is the best thing for you.
George: Yea.. What? No, no!
George: Deena! Deena, wait a... Deena, help!
Pop: Is that little Georgie C.? How's the folks? You still got that nice little car?

Quote from J. Peterman

J. Peterman: Elaine! You found the clubs. That's wonderful news. Where are they?
Elaine: Yep. Let me get them for you, Mr. Peterman.
J. Peterman: Oh, I'll be inaugurating them this weekend, with none other than Ethel Kennedy. A woman whose triumph in the face of tragedy is exceeded only by her proclivity to procreate.
[Elaine places the bag of wrecked golf clubs down in front of Mr. Peterman]
Elaine: The, uh... The letter of authenticity's in the side pocket there.
J. Peterman: Elaine. I never knew Kennedy had such a temper.
Elaine: Oh. Oh yeah. The only thing worse was his slice. [nervous laugh]
J. Peterman: See you on Monday.
Elaine: Have a good game.


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