Newman: It's the truck, Kramer. The truck!
Kramer: Look, Newman, I told you to let this thing go.
Newman: No, no, no, no no. Listen to me. Most days, the post office sends one truckload of mail to the second domestic regional sorting facility in Saginaw, Michigan.
Kramer: Uh-huh.
Newman: But, on the week before holidays, we see a surge. On Valentine's Day, we send two trucks. On Christmas, four, packed to the brim. And tomorrow, if history is any guide, will see some spillover into a fifth truck.
Kramer: Mother's Day.
Newman: The mother of all mail days. And guess who signed up for the truck.
Kramer: A free truck? Oh boy, that completely changes our cost structure. Our G and A goes down fifty percent.
Newman: We carry a couple of bags of mail, and the rest is ours!
Kramer: Newman, you magnificent bastard, you did it!
Newman: Let the collecting begin!

Mr. Steinbrenner: Let me ask you something, George. You having any personal problems at home? Girl trouble, love trouble of any kind?
George: No, sir.
Mr. Steinbrenner: What about drugs? You doing some of that crack cocaine? You on the pipe?
George: No, sir.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Are you seeing a psychiatrist? Because I got a flash for you young man, you're non compos mentis! You got some bats in the belfry!

George: What are you talking about?
Mr. Steinbrenner: George, I've read this report. It's very troubling. Very troubling indeed. It's a sick mind at work here.
[Two medical orderlies enter Mr. Steinbrenner's office behind George]
Mr. Steinbrenner: Okay, come on boys. Come on in here. George, this is Herb and Dan. They're gonna take you away to a nice place where you can get some help. They're very friendly people there. My brother-in-law was there for a couple of weeks. The man was obsessed with lactating women. They completely cured him, although he still eats a lot of cheese. [the orderlies grab George]
George: But you see- You see, I didn't write that report. That, that's not mine.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Of course you didn't, George. Of course you didn't write it. [they start to drag George out]
George: I didn't do it! It..It just got done. I don't know how it got done, but it did.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Of course. Of course it got done. Things get done all the time, I understand. [as George disappears] Don't worry, your job'll be waiting for you when you get back. Get better, George. Get better!

J. Peterman: You know what a huge fan I am of John F. Kennedy.
Elaine: I do.
J. Peterman: It was the Peace Corps that gave me my start in this business. Clothing the naked natives of Bangtubesh.
Elaine: The pygmy pullover.
J. Peterman: Sotheby's is having an auction of JFK's memorabilia. One item in particular has caught my eye. The presidential golf clubs. To me, they capture that indefinable romance that was Camelot

Newman: What is this, "MI: ten cents"?
Kramer: That's Michigan. In Michigan you get ten cents.
Newman: Ten cents!?
Kramer: Yeah.
Newman: Wait a minute. You mean you get five cents here and ten cents there. You could round up bottles here and run them out to Michigan for the difference.
Kramer: No, it doesn't work.
Newman: What do you mean it doesn't work? You get enough bottles together...
Kramer: Yeah, you overload your inventory and you blow your margins on gasoline. Trust me, it doesn't work.
Jerry: Hey, you're not talking that Michigan deposit bottle scam again, are you?
Kramer: No, no, I'm off that.
Newman: You tried it?
Kramer: Oh yeah. Every which way. Couldn't crunch the numbers. It drove me crazy.

Jerry: The song, "Downtown"? You mean the Petula Clark song?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: You sure he didn't just mention it because you happened to be going downtown?
George: I think he was trying to tell me something, like it had some sort of a meaning.
Jerry: Okay, so how does it go?
George: "When you're alone, and life is making you lonely, you can always go..."
Jerry: "Downtown."
George: "Maybe you know some little places to go, where they never close..."
Jerry: "Downtown."
George: Wait a second. "Little places to go, where they never close." What's a little place that never closes?
Jerry: 7-Eleven.
George: Maybe. "Just listen to the music of the traffic in the city. Linger on the sidewalk where the neon lights are pretty." Where the neon lights are pretty. The Broadway area?
Jerry: No, that's midtown.
George: "The lights are much brighter there. You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares, just go..."
Jerry: "Downtown."
George: "Things'll be great, when you're..."
Jerry: "...Downtown."
George: I got nothing, Jerry. Nothing.
Jerry: Well, 'don't hang around and let your troubles surround you. There are movie shows...

Kramer & Newman: 9999 bottle and cans in the trunk, 9999 bottles and cans. At 10 cents a bottle and 10 cents a can, we're pulling in $500 a man. 9998 bottle and cans in the trunk, 9998 bottles and cans. We fill up with gas, we count up our cash!

Wilhelm: Did you go down to payroll?
George: Yes, payroll. Yes, I did. Very productive. Payroll... paid off.
Wilhelm: Well, then, I guess you'll be heading downtown then, huh?
George: Oh, yeah. Downtown. Definitely.
Wilhelm: Well, I'm very interested to see how this thing turns out.
George: [to himself] Yeah, you said it. Uh, excuse me, Mr Wilhelm. Uh, do you really think... Well, is this downtown trip really necessary, you know, for the project?
Wilhelm: Oh no, you've got to go downtown, George. It's all downtown. Just like the song says.
George: The song?
Wilhelm: There's your answer, "Downtown".

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I love it when you get your car back from the car place, and it's got that paper mat on the floor. Like they're so obsessed with cleanliness, they don't even want their shoes to touch the carpet. Meanwhile, the mechanic comes out; he looks like Al Jolson. He's covered in goo, from head to toe. You can't even see him. Although, I prefer that to when they have the lab coat, the clipboard and the nice glasses. Now you know you're getting screwed. "Can I see it?" "You better not. It's idling quietly right now. I think it should stay overnight. We wanna keep an eye on it, and we wanna keep the bill running up."

George: So he walks out of the stall, he's been talking the whole time.
Jerry: He pulled an LBJ on you.
George: LBJ?
Jerry: Lyndon Johnson used to do that to his staffers.
George: No kidding?
Jerry: Oh yeah. He'd hold national security meetings in there. He planned the Hanoi bombing after a bad Thai meal.