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‘The Burning’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Burning

916. The Burning

Aired March 19, 1998

Elaine is surprised to learn David Puddy is religious. Kramer and Mickey (Danny Woodburn) act out illnesses at a teaching hospital. George decides to start leaving conversations on a high note. Meanwhile, Jerry is confused by his new girlfriend saying "It's me" on the phone.

Quote from David Puddy

Elaine: So where do you wanna eat?
David Puddy: Feels like an Arby's night.
Elaine: Arby's. Beef and cheese and... Do you believe in God?
David Puddy: Yes.
Elaine: Oh. So, you're pretty religious?
David Puddy: That's right.
Elaine: So is it a problem that I'm not really religious?
David Puddy: Not for me.
Elaine: Why not?
David Puddy: I'm not the one going to hell.

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Quote from Elaine

Elaine: So, you think that Puddy actually believes in something?
Jerry: It's a used car, he probably never changed the presets.
Elaine: Yes, he is lazy.
Jerry: Plus, he probably doesn't even know how to program the buttons.
Elaine: Yes, he is dumb.
Jerry: So you prefer dumb and lazy to religious?
Elaine: Dumb and lazy I understand.

Quote from Kramer

Student #1: And are you experiencing any discomfort?
Kramer: Just a little burning during urination.
Student #1: Okay, any other pain?
Kramer: The haunting memories of lost love. May I? [signals to Mickey] Lights?
[Mickey turns down the lights and Kramer lights a cigar]
Kramer: Our eyes met across the crowded hat store. I, a customer, and she a coquettish haberdasher. Oh, I pursued and she withdrew. And then she pursued and I withdrew. And so we danced. I burned for her, much like the burning during urination that I would experience soon afterwards.
Student #1: Gonorrhea?!
Kramer: Gonorrhea! [applause]

Quote from George

Kruger: And it gets worse. The team working on the statue in Lafayette Square kind of over-smoothed it. They ground the head down to about the size of a softball, and that spells trouble.
George: All right, well why don't we smooth the head down to nothing, stick a pumpkin under its arm and change the nameplate to Ichabod Crane?
[As all his colleagues laugh, George gets up and starts to walk out of the room]
George: All, right! That's it for me. Goodnight everybody.

Quote from Kramer

Dr. Wexler: All right, and here are you ailments for this week. By the way, Mr. Kramer, you were excellent.
Kramer: Oh, thank you.
Mickey: Cirrhosis of the liver with jaundice! All right, I get to wear make-up! What did you get?
Kramer: Gonorrhea? Excuse me, I think there's been a mistake. See, I had gonorrhea last week.
Dr. Wexler: Oh, it's no mistake. We loved what you did with it.
Kramer: Boy, I don't believe this. I'm being typecast.

Quote from David Puddy

David Puddy: All right, what did I do?
Elaine: David, I'm going to hell! The worst place in the world! With devils and those caves and the ragged clothing! And the heat! My god, the heat! I mean, what do you think about all that?
David Puddy: Gonna be rough.
Elaine: Uh, you should be trying to save me!
David Puddy: Don't boss me! This is why you're going to hell.
Elaine: I am not going to hell and if you think I'm going to hell, you should care that I'm going to hell, even though I am not.
David Puddy: You stole my Jesus fish, didn't you?
Elaine: Yeah, that's right!

Quote from George

Elaine: Here's one. I borrowed Puddy's car and all the presets on his radio were Christian rock stations.
George: I like Christian rock. It's very positive. It's not like those real musicians who think they're so cool and hip.

Quote from George

Kramer: Mickey, he got bacterial meningitis.
George: I guess there are no small diseases, only small actors.
[As Jerry, Elaine and Kramer laugh, George heads for the door]
George: All right, that's it for me. Good night, everybody.
Elaine: What was that?
Jerry: Showmanship. George is trying to get out on a high note.

Quote from David Puddy

Father Curtis: Let me see if I understand this. You're concerned that he isn't concerned that you're going to hell. And you feel that she's too bossy.
Elaine and David Puddy: Yeah, that's right.
Father Curtis: Well, oftentimes in cases of inter-faith marriages, couples have
difficulty--
Elaine: Whoa, whoa, whoa. No one's getting married here.
Father Curtis: You aren't?
David Puddy: No.
Elaine: We're just, you know, having a good time.
Father Curtis: Oh. Well, then it's simple. You're both going to hell.
David Puddy: No way. This is bogus, man!
Elaine: Well, thank you father.
Father Curtis: Oh, did you hear the one about the new guy in hell who's talking to the devil by the coffee machine?
David Puddy: I'm really not in the mood. I'm going to hell.
Elaine: Oh, lighten up. It'll only feel like an eternity.

Quote from David Puddy

David Puddy: All right, be careful with the car, babe.
Elaine: Yeah, yeah.
David Puddy: And don't move the seat, I got it right where I like it.
Elaine: Goodbye?
David Puddy: Two and ten, babe.
Elaine: Okay.
David Puddy: Don't peel out.
Elaine: I won't.
[Elaine peels the car out. When a religious song plays on the radio, Elaine switches the station but finds all the presets are set to religious radio stations.]
Elaine: Jesus?

Quote from George

Kruger: According to our latest quarterly thing, Kruger Industrial Smoothing is heading into the red. Or the black. Or whatever the bad one is. Any thoughts?
George: [clears throat] Well, I know when I'm a little strapped, I sometimes drop off my rent check having forgotten to sign it. That could buy us some time.
Kruger: Works for me. Good thinking, George.
Co-worker #1: All right, George.
Co-worker #2: Way to go man.
George: Or we don't even send the check and then when they call, we pretend we're the cleaning service. [Spanish accent] "Hello? I sorry, no here Kruger."
Kruger: Are you done? Silly voices. Come on, people, let's get real.
Co-worker #1: [sarcastically] Good one.
Co-worker #2:That was bad.

Quote from Kramer

Dr. Wexler: In your packet you will find the disease you have been assigned and the symptoms you will need to exhibit.
Mickey: Bacterial Meningitis. Jackpot!
Kramer: Gonorrhea? You wanna trade?
Mickey: Sorry, buddy. This is the "Hamlet" of diseases. Severe pain, nausea, delusions. It's got everything.
Kramer: How about you, do you wanna trade?
Artie: Sure.
Kramer: Okay, what do you got?
Artie: The surgeon left a sponge inside me.
Kramer: Good luck with that.

Quote from Elaine

George: Hey, so, did you give that radio the old switcheroo?
Elaine: I did.
George: And the Christian rock?
Elaine: Resurrected! And look what I pried off of his bumper, a Jesus fish!
George: Jerry, do you have any fish sticks?
Jerry: No. So you're disappointed he's a spiritual person?
Elaine: Well yeah, I got him because he seemed so one-dimensional, I feel misled.
George: I think it's neat. You don't hear that much about God anymore.
Jerry: I hear things.

Quote from George

Jerry: Hey, so Sophie gave me the "It's me" on the phone today.
Elaine: "It's me?" Isn't it a little premature?
Jerry: I thought so.
Elaine: Hah. She's not a "me". I'm a "me".
George: I'm against all "it's me"s. So self-absorbed and egotistical, it's like those hip musicians with their complicated shoes!

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: [enters] Well, I got gonorrhea.
Elaine: That seems about right.
Kramer: That's what they gave me.
George: They? The Government?
Jerry: No, no. He's pretending he's got gonorrhea so med students can diagnose it.
Kramer: And it's a waste of my talent. It's just a little burning.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: See, showmanship. Maybe that's what my gonorrhea is missing.
Jerry: Yes. Step into that spotlight and belt that gonorrhea out to the back row.
Kramer: Yes, yes I will! I'm gonna make people feel my gonorrhea, and feel the gonorrhea themselves.

Quote from Jerry

George: All right, I'll tell you what you do. You call her back and give her the "it's me", heh? Pull the old switcheroo.
Jerry: I think that's a "what's good for the goose is good for the gander".
George: What the hell is a gander, anyway?
Jerry: It's a goose that's had the old switcheroo pulled on her.

Quote from George

George: You know what I think? I bet she stole a tractor.
Jerry: No one's stealing a tractor. It's a five-mile-an-hour getaway. We're dancing around the obvious. It's gotta be disfigurement.
George: Does she walk around holding a pen she never seems to need?
Jerry: No, she looks completely normal.
George: Oh. Okay, here it is, I got it. She lost her thumbs in a tractor accident and they grafted her big toes on. They do it every day.
Jerry: You think she's got toes for thumbs?
George: How's her handshake? A little firm, isn't it? Maybe a little too firm?
Jerry: I don't know.
George: Hands a little smelly?
Jerry: Why do I seek your counsel?

Quote from David Puddy

David Puddy: Elaine, they forgot to deliver your paper today. Why don't you just grab that one?
Elaine: But that belongs to Mr. Potato Guy, that's his.
David Puddy: Come on, get it.
Elaine: Well, if you want it, you get it.
David Puddy: Sorry, thou shalt not steal.
Elaine: Oh, but it's okay for me?
David Puddy: Oh, what do you care? You know where you're going.

Quote from Kramer

Mickey: Oh, my liver! Why did I drink all those years? Why did I look for love in a bottle?
Dr. Wexler: Mr. Kramer? You're up.
[Kramer walks in with a face as yellow as Mickey's]
Mickey: Wait a minute. You are doing gonorrhea, aren't you?
Kramer: Yeah, well, we'll see.
Student #2: So, what seems to be bothering you today, Mr. Kramer?
Kramer: [pulls a liquor bottle out] Well, I guess it started about twenty years ago when I got back from Viet Nam, and this was the only friend I had left.
Mickey: Hey, that's my cirrhosis! He's stealing my cirrhosis! [charges at Kramer] You wanna be sick? I'll make you sick.
Student #2: Cirrhosis of the liver and PCP addiction?


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