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‘The Burning’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Seinfeld: The Burning

916. The Burning

Aired March 19, 1998

Elaine is surprised to learn David Puddy is religious. Kramer and Mickey (Danny Woodburn) act out illnesses at a teaching hospital. George decides to start leaving conversations on a high note. Meanwhile, Jerry is confused by his new girlfriend saying "It's me" on the phone.

Quote from David Puddy

Elaine: So where do you wanna eat?
David Puddy: Feels like an Arby's night.
Elaine: Arby's. Beef and cheese and... Do you believe in God?
David Puddy: Yes.
Elaine: Oh. So, you're pretty religious?
David Puddy: That's right.
Elaine: So is it a problem that I'm not really religious?
David Puddy: Not for me.
Elaine: Why not?
David Puddy: I'm not the one going to hell.

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Quote from Elaine

Elaine: So, you think that Puddy actually believes in something?
Jerry: It's a used car, he probably never changed the presets.
Elaine: Yes, he is lazy.
Jerry: Plus, he probably doesn't even know how to program the buttons.
Elaine: Yes, he is dumb.
Jerry: So you prefer dumb and lazy to religious?
Elaine: Dumb and lazy I understand.

Quote from Kramer

Student #1: And are you experiencing any discomfort?
Kramer: Just a little burning during urination.
Student #1: Okay, any other pain?
Kramer: The haunting memories of lost love. May I? [signals to Mickey] Lights?
[Mickey turns down the lights and Kramer lights a cigarette]
Kramer: Our eyes met across the crowded hat store. I, a customer, and she a coquettish haberdasher. Oh, I pursued and she withdrew. And then she pursued and I withdrew. And so we danced. I burned for her, much like the burning during urination that I would experience soon afterwards.
Student #1: Gonorrhea?!
Kramer: Gonorrhea! [applause]

Quote from George

Kruger: And it gets worse. The team working on the statue in Lafayette Square kind of over-smoothed it. They ground the head down to about the size of a softball, and that spells trouble.
George: All right, well why don't we smooth the head down to nothing, stick a pumpkin under its arm and change the nameplate to Ichabod Crane?
[As all his colleagues laugh, George gets up and starts to walk out of the room]
George: All, right! That's it for me. Goodnight everybody.

Quote from Kramer

Dr. Wexler: All right, and here are you ailments for this week. By the way, Mr. Kramer, you were excellent.
Kramer: Oh, thank you.
Mickey: Cirrhosis of the liver with jaundice! All right, I get to wear make-up! What did you get?
Kramer: Gonorrhea? Excuse me, I think there's been a mistake. See, I had gonorrhea last week.
Dr. Wexler: Oh, it's no mistake. We loved what you did with it.
Kramer: Boy, I don't believe this. I'm being typecast.

Quote from David Puddy

David Puddy: All right, what did I do?
Elaine: David, I'm going to hell! The worst place in the world! With devils and those caves and the ragged clothing! And the heat! My god, the heat! I mean, what do you think about all that?
David Puddy: Gonna be rough.
Elaine: Uh, you should be trying to save me!
David Puddy: Don't boss me! This is why you're going to hell.
Elaine: I am not going to hell and if you think I'm going to hell, you should care that I'm going to hell, even though I am not.
David Puddy: You stole my Jesus fish, didn't you?
Elaine: Yeah, that's right!

Quote from George

Elaine: Here's one. I borrowed Puddy's car and all the presets on his radio were Christian rock stations.
George: I like Christian rock. It's very positive. It's not like those real musicians who think they're so cool and hip.

Quote from George

Kramer: Mickey, he got bacterial meningitis.
George: I guess there are no small diseases, only small actors.
[As Jerry, Elaine and Kramer laugh, George heads for the door]
George: All right, that's it for me. Good night, everybody.
Elaine: What was that?
Jerry: Showmanship. George is trying to get out on a high note.

Quote from David Puddy

Father Curtis: Let me see if I understand this. You're concerned that he isn't concerned that you're going to hell. And you feel that she's too bossy.
Elaine and David Puddy: Yeah, that's right.
Father Curtis: Well, oftentimes in cases of inter-faith marriages, couples have
difficulty--
Elaine: Whoa, whoa, whoa. No one's getting married here.
Father Curtis: You aren't?
David Puddy: No.
Elaine: We're just, you know, having a good time.
Father Curtis: Oh. Well, then it's simple. You're both going to hell.
David Puddy: No way. This is bogus, man!
Elaine: Well, thank you father.
Father Curtis: Oh, did you hear the one about the new guy in hell who's talking to the devil by the coffee machine?
David Puddy: I'm really not in the mood. I'm going to hell.
Elaine: Oh, lighten up. It'll only feel like an eternity.

Quote from David Puddy

David Puddy: All right, be careful with the car, babe.
Elaine: Yeah, yeah.
David Puddy: And don't move the seat, I got it right where I like it.
Elaine: Goodbye?
David Puddy: Two and ten, babe.
Elaine: Okay.
David Puddy: Don't peel out.
Elaine: I won't.
[Elaine peels the car out. When a religious song plays on the radio, Elaine switches the station but finds all the presets are set to religious radio stations.]
Elaine: Jesus?

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