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‘The Pie’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Pie

515. The Pie

Aired February 17, 1994

Jerry can't understand why his girlfriend wouldn't take a bite of his pie, but that's nothing compared to her father Poppie not washing his hands before cooking their meal. Meanwhile, George is obsessed about getting a suit in a sale, and Elaine believes she's the inspiration behind a mannequin.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: You think you can pose me however you want? That's my ass in your window!
Saleswoman: It's our store and our mannequin, we can do whatever we want with it.
Elaine: No! You take down that mannequin right now, or I'm pressing charges. Yes, this is my attorney.
Saleswoman: Oh, yeah? What law am I breaking?
Jerry: Well, I believe there's some legal precedent - Winchell vs. Mahoney,
Elaine: Uh-huh.
Jerry: The Charlie McCarthy hearings.
Elaine: Uh-huh. Are you taking this down?
Saleswoman: I'm getting the manager. [leaves]
Elaine: Jerry get the car. [grabs the mannequin]
Jerry: What are you doing?
Elaine: Just get the car!
Jerry: Elaine, as your legal counsel I must advise against this.

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Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Aren't mannequins kind of an insult to your imagination? You couldn't possibly visualize a sweater, so we'll show you on this life-size, snotty puppet. I guess when they're finished with them, they become crash-test dummies. That's the end of the line for a mannequin. "Whatever happened to Bob?" "Have you seen that new Volvo commercial? He's got a bullseye right on his face." Mannequins are only used for car accidents and fashion. I guess these are the two situations that it's impossible for us to imagine ourselves: Well-dressed or getting killed. I'm sure there's some pro-mannequin organization that doesn't even like you to use the term mannequin. "Hey, they're not mannequins. They're the life-deprived."

Quote from Jerry

George: Maybe you said something that offended her.
Jerry: The only thing I can think of is I told her we should have those moving walkways all over the city.
George: Like at the airport?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: That's a great idea!
Jerry: Tell me about it!
George: We could be zipping all over the place.
Jerry: They could at least try it.
George: They never try anything.
Jerry: What's the harm?
George: No harm!

Quote from George

George: Well, I can't walk anywhere now. I'm just gonna be wishing there were walkways!

Quote from Elaine

George: What are you doing?
Elaine: I got a pebble.
Jerry: Boy, I never heard of that happening to a woman?
Elaine: What the hell does that mean?

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Oh, yeah! It's you!
Elaine: What's me?
Kramer: There's a clothing store downtown. They got a mannequin in there that looks exactly like Elaine.
Elaine: Get out!
Kramer: It's uncanny! It's like they chopped off your arms and legs, dipped you in plastic, and screwed you back all together, and stuck you on a pedestal. It's really quite exquisite.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Excuse me. Where did this come from?
Saleswoman: I don't know.
George: You really think this looks okay on me?
Saleswoman: Fabulous. Perfect fit. And it's the last one we have.
Elaine: I'm sorry. You can't tell me where the mannequin came from?
Saleswoman: I told you, I don't know.
Elaine: Well, um, is there somebody around here I could talk to who would know?
Saleswoman: Why?
Elaine: Isn't it obvious? This mannequin looks exactly like me.
[The saleswoman rolls her eyes at George about Elaine]
Elaine: Did you just roll your eyes at him? Because let me tell you something, if anybody should be rolling their eyes, it is me at him about you.
Saleswoman: I think maybe you're flattering yourself. That mannequin is wearing a $1,200 Gaultier dress.
Elaine: What are you saying, that I'm not good enough for this hideous dress? Listen, Natasha... I wouldn't be caught dead wearing your crummy little euro-trash rags.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Um. Excuse me. I couldn't help but notice you offered her a piece of your pie.
Woman #1: That's right.
Jerry: And you waved it away.
Woman #2: [British accent] Right.
Jerry: Did you give her a reason?
Woman #2: Yes, I was full.
Jerry: You were full. So you gave a reason. You didn't just shake your head.
Woman #2: No, I'm not a psycho.
Jerry: Exactly. You're not a psycho. You've been very helpful. Thank you very much. Allow me to leave the tip. [sits back with Elaine & Kramer] Well, I think we proven who the psycho is.
Elaine: We certainly have.

Quote from George

George: [European accent] Can I help you?
Bob: I'm buying the suit.
George: No, no, no, this suit is not for sale. [tries to take off the suit from the guy]
Bob: Excuse me, do you work here?
George: [normal accent] No.
Bob: Then what the hell business is it of yours?
George: Look, I'm doing you a favor. They're having an unadvertised sale. This suit is gonna be half-priced starting Monday.
Bob: Really? This Monday?
George: Yes. Now take off those pants.
Saleswoman: Actually, the unadvertised sale starts on Friday.
Bob: Friday? Thanks. [gives George a dirty look]
George: [to the saleswoman] You know honey, for an unadvertised sale, you're doing a lot of yapping about it.
[George watches as the saleswoman starts to undress the "Elaine mannequin"]

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: So she thought I did it to get back at her
George: Why didn't you just tell her?
Jerry: I don't think it's the kind of thing you wanna hear about your father. But I'll tell you, when he came out of that bathroom and he was kneading that dough, it was a wild scene.
George: How could he not have washed?
Jerry: Even if you're not gonna soap up, at least pretend for my benefit. Turn the water on, do something.
George: Yeah, just like I do.
Jerry: You know a chef who doesn't wash is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help, he wants to get caught.
George: Well, I think Poppie's got some problems. There's a whole other thing going on with Poppie.

Quote from George

Bob: Where is it? Where is it?
George: [takes the suit off a different rack] Well, look at this. This doesn't belong here! Someone has made a terrible mistake.
Bob: You bastard! You hid the suit.
George: Hid? I have no idea how this suit got misplaced. Nevertheless, I do believe I shall purchase it.
Bob: I hope you rot in that suit. Look, I'm gonna get you for this. I don't know how, but I'm gonna get you. You are going to pay!
George: Oh, I'll pay. Half-price. Arrivederci, my fellow 40-short.

Quote from George

Elaine: It must be the fabric. It's rubbing between you thighs when you walk. That's what's making that swooshy sound.
[George walks back and forth to verify the swoosh]
George: I probably didn't hear it on the way over because of the street noise. [moves again] This is no good! I got to meet these guys from MacKenzie for lunch in half an hour!
Jerry: So what? What would they care?
George: This MacKenzie, he's a bit of a nut. Someone told me he fired the last guy because his nose whistled when he breathed.
Jerry: So you think you're not gonna get the job because your pants make a noise?
George: Let's say it comes down to me and one other guy. He's got a nice quiet suit, and I'm whooshing all over the place! Who do you think he's gonna hire?

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Kramer, you can't keep avoiding her like this. You're gonna have to say something.
Kramer: What am I supposed to say?
Jerry: Tell her you lost your itch.
George: What happened to your itch?
Kramer: I lost it two days ago. I've been faking it so I wouldn't hurt her feelings.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Well, hi Olive. [reaches for Kramer's back] No, no. No more of that. There's something I have to tell you.
Olive: What?
Kramer: Uh, well, there's someone else.
Olive: Someone else?
Kramer: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Olive: Who is she?
Kramer: Her. [points to the Elaine mannequin in Jerry's car]
Olive: her?
Kramer: Yeah, there she is. That's my gal.
Olive: You're a liar. I've seen her in here before. She's not your girlfriend.
Kramer: Now, Olive, look, I'm sorry.
Olive: Why is she wearing her underwear?
Kramer: Well, it's a style. [turns to Jerry] Jerry give me the keys. [catches Jerry's keys] Well, I guess we're gonna go for a drive now. She really loves that.
[When Kramer gets in Jerry's car, he starts making out with the mannequin. Unfortunately his passionate kissing and embrace leads to the mannequin's arm falling off]


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