Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The Fatigues’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Fatigues

806. The Fatigues

Aired October 31, 1996

Elaine is so scared of one of her subordinates that instead of firing him, she gives him a promotion. Jerry is disappointed to learn his girlfriend's mentor is dating Kenny Bania. Meanwhile, Kramer decides to host a Jewish singles night and needs help catering the event.

Quote from Frank Costanza

Kramer: Come on, Frank, I need you. I mean the war was fifty years ago.
Frank Costanza: In my mind, there's a war still going on.
Kramer: All right, what happened, Frank? What is it that you can't get over?
[Frank pours a shot of whiskey and drinks it]
Frank Costanza: Inchon, Korea, 1950. I was the best cook Uncle Sam ever saw. Slinging hash for the fighting 103rd. As we marched north, our supply lines were getting thin. One day, a couple of GIs found a crate. Inside were six hundred pounds of prime Texas steer. At least, it once was prime. The use date was three weeks
past. But I was arrogant. I was brash. I thought if I used just the right spices, cooked it long enough...
Kramer: What happened?
Frank Costanza: I went too far. I over seasoned it. Men were keeling over all around me. I can still hear the retching, the screaming. I sent sixteen of my own men to the latrines that night. They were just boys.
Kramer: Frank, you were a boy too. And it was war. It was a crazy time for everyone.
Frank Costanza: Tell that to Bobby Colby. All that kid wanted to do was go home. Well, he went home, all right. With a crater in his colon the size of a cutlet. Had to sit him on a cork the eighteen-hour flight home!
Kramer: Frank, now listen to me. Two hundred Jewish singles need you. This is your chance to make it all right again.
Frank Costanza: No. No, I'll never cook again! Never! Now get out of my house! Get out. Go.

Rate

Quote from Frank Costanza

Kramer: You know, these latkes are going like hotcakes.
Frank Costanza: Where's the powdered sugar?
Kramer: You know, Frank, you could take a break.
Frank Costanza: No breaks. I feel reborn. I'm like a phoenix rising from Arizona.

Quote from George

George: Listen, I gotta get some reading done. You mind if I do this here? I can't concentrate in my apartment.
Jerry: [looks at George's book] "Risk Management"?
George: Yeah. Steinbrenner wants everyone in the front office to give a lecture in their area of business expertise.
Jerry: Well, what makes them think you're a risk management expert?
George: I guess it's on my resume.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Oh, this is awful.
Kramer: Jerry, it's kreplach. It's an acquired taste, yeah. [bites into one, spits out into the bowl]
Jerry: Did you follow the recipe?
Kramer: The recipe was for four to six people. I had to multiply for a hundred and eighty-three people. I guess I got confused.
Jerry: It tastes like dirt.
Kramer: Well, I also dropped it on the way over. Jerry, I'm in trouble, I got no skills. I can't peel, I can't chop, I can't grate. I can't mince! I got no sense of flavor, obviously.

Quote from Frank Costanza

Estelle Costanza: Here's your omelet.
Frank Costanza: It's dry.
Estelle Costanza: That's the way I always make it.
Frank Costanza: Well, it sucks.
Estelle Costanza: What did you say?
Frank Costanza: Your meatloaf is mushy, your salmon croquettes are oily and your eggplant parmesan is a disgrace to this house!
Estelle Costanza: Well, that's too bad, because I'm the only one who cooks around here!
Frank Costanza: Not any more! Gimme that spatula! [cracks egg] I'm back, baby!

Quote from Kramer

Elaine: At the Knights of Columbus?
Kramer: Yeah, Frank Costanza, he's getting me a room at his lodge. So, Jerry, you know I'm really counting on you to come to this.
Jerry: Kramer, you know, I--
Kramer: No, Jerry, I'm cooking all the food myself.
Elaine: "A tempting schmear of authentic Jewish delicacies."
Kramer: Do you like tsimmis?

Quote from George

George: I still don't understand this. Abby has a mentor?
Jerry: Yes. And the mentor advises the protege.
George: Is there any money involved?
Jerry: No.
George: So what's in it for the mentor?
Jerry: Respect, admiration, prestige.
George: [scoffs] Would the protege pick up stuff for the mentor?
Jerry: I suppose if it was on the protege's way to the mentor, they might.
George: Laundry? Dry cleaning?
Jerry: It's not a valet, it's a protege.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Yowza yowza. Check it out.
Jerry: "Jewish singles night"?
Kramer: I expect you both to be there.
Elaine: I'm not Jewish.
Kramer: Well, neither am I.
Jerry: Well, why are you going?
Kramer: I'm not. I'm running it.
Jerry: What are you talking about?
Kramer: Well, Lomez, he usually runs it but he's in the Everglades.
Jerry: Lomez is Jewish?
Kramer: Oh, yeah, yeah. Orthodox, Jerry. Old school.

Quote from Frank Costanza

George: Dad.
Frank Costanza: What are you wearing, an athletic sweat suit?
George: What are you doing here?
Kramer: Well, he came by to pick up his check for the banquet hall. You know, I got 183 responses? It's gonna be a rager.
Jerry: Kramer, how are you gonna cook Jewish delicacies for a hundred and eighty-three people?
Kramer: You're right. That's a lot of pupkitz. Hey, Frank, you know anybody who can help me cook?
Frank Costanza: Cook? No, I don't know any cooks. I don't know anything about cooking!

Quote from George

Kramer: What's the matter with him?
George: My dad was a cook during the Korean War. Something very bad happened. Ever since, you can't get him near a kitchen.
Kramer: Shell-shocked?
George: Oh, yeah. But that has nothing to do with it.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: What am I gonna do? He is a disaster.
Jerry: Well, if he's doing that bad, maybe he's in line for another promotion.
Elaine: You know what? You are exactly right. That is what I should do. I should promote him. I'll give him another office on another floor, and he can sit there with his nice title and his bayonet, and stop freaking me out.

Quote from George

[As George plays his risk management book on tape, the narrator's voice sounds alarmingly like his own.]
Man: [on tape] Chapter one. In order to manage risk we must first understand risk. How do you spot risk? How do you avoid risk and what makes it so risky?
George: This guy sounds just like me.
Man: To understand risk, we must first define risk.
George: This is horrible.
Man: Risk is defined as--
George: [hits the recorder] Stop it! Stop it!

Quote from Elaine

Eddie: Hey, I think I got something here for the Bengalese Galoshes.
Elaine: Oh.
Eddie: "It's tough keeping your feet dry when you're kicking in a skull."
Elaine: You know, Eddie, that might be just a tad harsh. For womenswear.
Eddie: Well, I'm not married to it.
Elaine: Oh. Well, um, in that case, why don't we take the phrase, "kicking in a skull" and we tweak it, you know, just a hair, to something like, what, like "strolling through a dewy meadow"?
Eddie: Dewy meadow.


 Episode 805 Episode 807 
  Select another episode