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‘The Library’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Library

305. The Library

Aired October 16, 1991

Jerry is called to the library over a library book that's been overdue since '71 by tough, library detective (guest star Philip Baker Hall). Meanwhile, George runs into the mean, former gym teacher he got fired.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Boys are sick.
Jerry: Well, what do girls do?
Elaine: We just tease some one 'til they develop an eating disorder.

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Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: What's amazing to me about the library is that here's a place where you go in, you can take out any book you want, they just give it to you and say bring it back when you're done. It reminds me of, like, this pathetic friend that everybody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend, you know. That's what the library is. A government-funded pathetic friend. And that's why everybody kind of bullies the library. I'll bring it back on time, I'll bring it back late. Oh, what are you going to do? Charge me a nickel?

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Oh, I'm glad you're here, so we can get this all straightened out. Would you like a cup of tea?
Lt. Bookman: You got any coffee?
Jerry: Coffee?
Lt. Bookman: Yeah, coffee.
Jerry: No, I don't drink coffee.
Lt. Bookman: Yeah, you don't drink coffee? How about instant coffee?
Jerry: No, I don't have-
Lt. Bookman: You don't have any instant coffee?
Jerry: Well, I don't normally-
Lt. Bookman: Who doesn't have instant coffee?
Jerry: I don't.
Lt. Bookman: You buy a jar of Folger's Crystals, you put it in the cupboard, you forget about it. Then later on when you need it, it's there. It lasts forever. It's freeze-dried. Freeze-dried crystals.
Jerry: Really? I'll have to remember that.

Quote from Jerry

Lt. Bookman: You took this book out in 1971.
Jerry: Yes, and I returned it in 1971.
Lt. Bookman: Yeah, '71. That was my first year on the job. Bad year for libraries. Bad year for America. Hippies burning library cards, Abbie Hoffman telling everybody to steal books. I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public Library, fella.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Look, Mr. Bookman. I--I returned that book. I remember it very specifically.
Lt. Bookman: You're a comedian. You make people laugh.
Jerry: I try.
Lt. Bookman: You think this is all a big joke, don't you?
Jerry: No, I don't.
Lt. Bookman: I saw you on T.V. once. I remembered your name from my list. I looked it up. Sure enough, it checked out. You think because you're a celebrity that somehow the law doesn't apply to you, that you're above the law?
Jerry: Certainly not.
Lt. Bookman: Well, let me tell you something, funny boy. You know that little stamp, the one that says "New York Public Library"? Well, that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before: Flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. What's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world. But what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and The Five Chinese Brothers? Doesn't he deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped! Or: maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld. Maybe that's how you get your kicks. You and your good-time buddies. Well, I got a flash for ya, joy-boy. Party time is over. You got seven days, Seinfeld. That is one week!

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Any day that you had gym was a weird school day. You know what I mean? Because it started of kind of normal. You have, like, English, Geometry, Social Studies... And then suddenly you're, like, in Lord of The Flies for 40 minutes. You know, you're hanging from a rope. You have hardly any clothes on. Teachers are yelling at you, "Where's your jock strap?" You know, and kids are throwing dodge balls at you, you're trying to survive. Then it's history, Science, Language. There's something off in the entire flow of that day.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Anyway, I hope there's no hard feelings. [hands over a check]
Lt. Bookman: Hard feelings? What do you know about hard feelings? You ever have a man die in your arms? You ever kill somebody?
Jerry: What is your problem?
Lt. Bookman: What's my problem? Punks like you, that's my problem. And you better not screw up again, Seinfeld, because if you do, I'll be all over you like a pitbull on a poodle. [exits]
Jerry: That is one tough monkey!

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: It's George. Wait 'til he hears we're going to the library.
Kramer: You know, I never got a library card.
Jerry: [over intercom] I'm coming down.
Kramer: It's all a bunch of cheapskates in there anyway. People sitting around reading the newspaper attached to those huge wooden sticks. Trying to save a quarter, ooh.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: This woman's completely ignoring me.
Kramer: Look at her. This is a lonely woman looking for companionship.. A spinster. Maybe a virgin. Maybe she got hurt a long time ago. She was a schoolgirl. There was a boy. It didn't work out. Now she needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. She needs a little Kramer.
Jerry: Then she'll need a little shot of penicillin.

Quote from Kramer

Marion: Mr. Bookman's not here.
Jerry: Not here? Why was I told to come down here?
Marion: He'll be out all afternoon on a case.
Kramer: He's out on a case? He actually goes out on cases?

Quote from George

George: Listen. Just because I got the guy fired doesn't mean I turned him into a bum, does it?
Elaine: What did he do?
George: He purposely mispronounced my name. Instead of saying, "Costanza", he'd say, "can't stand you."
"Can't stand you". Remember, he made me smell my own gym socks once.
Jerry: I remember he made you wear a jock on your head for a whole class. And the straps were hanging down by his...
George: Okay, okay. I never even had him for gym.
Jerry: I had him for Hygiene. Remember his teeth? It was like from an exhumed corpse.
George: Little baked beans.

Quote from George

George: He gave me a wedgie.
Jerry: He got fired the next day.
Elaine: Why do they call it a wedgie?
George: Because the underwear is pulled up from the back until it wedges in.
Jerry: They also have an atomic wedgie. Now, the goal there is to actually get the waistband on top of the head. Very rare.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: You know, the library is kind of a cool place when it's closed.
Marion: Oh, yeah. You don't have to be quiet. Listen to the echo... Hello!
Kramer: Hello!
Marion: Hello!
Kramer: Hello!
Marion: Hello!
Lt. Bookman: [emerging] Hello!
Marion: Mr. Bookman.
Lt. Bookman: I remember when the librarian was a much older woman: Kindly, discreet, unattractive. We didn't know anything about her private life. We didn't want to know anything about her private life. She didn't have a private life. While you're thinking about that, think about this: The library closes at five o'clock, no exceptions. This is your final warning. Got that, kewpie doll?

Quote from George

George: Well, it's definitely him.
Elaine: Him? Him who?
George: Him who? Hayman him.
Elaine: Hayman, the gym teacher? You found him?
George: Oh, I found him. He was sitting on the steps of the library. I sat down next to him. He smelled like the locker room after that game against Erasmus
Jerry: That was double overtime.
George: So I said, "Mr. Hayman, It's me George Costanza, JFK, '71." He doesn't move. So I said uh, "Can't stand you'", "Can't stand you'" He turns and smiles, the little baked bean teeth. I get up to run away, but something was holding me back. It was Heyman. He had my underwear. There I was on the steps of the 42nd St. library , a grown man, getting a wedgie.
Elaine: At least it wasn't atomic.
George: It was. [pulls out ripped underwear]


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