[stand-up:]
Jerry: What's amazing to me about the library is that here's a place where you go in, you can take out any book you want, they just give it to you and say bring it back when you're done. It reminds me of, like, this pathetic friend that everybody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend, you know. That's what the library is. A government-funded pathetic friend. And that's why everybody kind of bullies the library. I'll bring it back on time, I'll bring it back late. Oh, what are you going to do? Charge me a nickel?

Elaine: Boys are sick.
Jerry: Well, what do girls do?
Elaine: We just tease some one 'til they develop an eating disorder.

Jerry: Oh, I'm glad you're here, so we can get this all straightened out. Would you like a cup of tea?
Lt. Bookman: You got any coffee?
Jerry: Coffee?
Lt. Bookman: Yeah, coffee.
Jerry: No, I don't drink coffee.
Lt. Bookman: Yeah, you don't drink coffee? How about instant coffee?
Jerry: No, I don't have-
Lt. Bookman: You don't have any instant coffee?
Jerry: Well, I don't normally-
Lt. Bookman: Who doesn't have instant coffee?
Jerry: I don't.
Lt. Bookman: You buy a jar of Folger's Crystals, you put it in the cupboard, you forget about it. Then later on when you need it, it's there. It lasts forever. It's freeze-dried. Freeze-dried crystals.
Jerry: Really? I'll have to remember that.

Lt. Bookman: You took this book out in 1971.
Jerry: Yes, and I returned it in 1971.
Lt. Bookman: Yeah, '71. That was my first year on the job. Bad year for libraries. Bad year for America. Hippies burning library cards, Abbie Hoffman telling everybody to steal books. I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public Library, fella.

Jerry: Look, Mr. Bookman. I--I returned that book. I remember it very specifically.
Lt. Bookman: You're a comedian. You make people laugh.
Jerry: I try.
Lt. Bookman: You think this is all a big joke, don't you?
Jerry: No, I don't.
Lt. Bookman: I saw you on T.V. once. I remembered your name from my list. I looked it up. Sure enough, it checked out. You think because you're a celebrity that somehow the law doesn't apply to you, that you're above the law?
Jerry: Certainly not.
Lt. Bookman: Well, let me tell you something, funny boy. You know that little stamp, the one that says "New York Public Library"? Well, that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before: Flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. What's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world. But what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and The Five Chinese Brothers? Doesn't he deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped! Or maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld. Maybe that's how you get your kicks. You and your good-time buddies. Well, I got a flash for ya, joy-boy. Party time is over. You got seven days, Seinfeld. That is one week!

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Any day that you had gym was a weird school day. You know what I mean? Because it started of kind of normal. You have, like, English, Geometry, Social Studies... And then suddenly you're, like, in Lord of The Flies for 40 minutes. You know, you're hanging from a rope. You have hardly any clothes on. Teachers are yelling at you, "Where's your jock strap?" You know, and kids are throwing dodge balls at you, you're trying to survive. Then it's history, Science, Language. There's something off in the entire flow of that day.

Jerry: Anyway, I hope there's no hard feelings. [hands over a check]
Lt. Bookman: Hard feelings? What do you know about hard feelings? You ever have a man die in your arms? You ever kill somebody?
Jerry: What is your problem?
Lt. Bookman: What's my problem? Punks like you, that's my problem. And you better not screw up again, Seinfeld, because if you do, I'll be all over you like a pitbull on a poodle. [exits]
Jerry: That is one tough monkey!

Jerry: It's George. Wait 'til he hears we're going to the library.
Kramer: You know, I never got a library card.
Jerry: [over intercom] I'm coming down.
Kramer: It's all a bunch of cheapskates in there anyway. People sitting around reading the newspaper attached to those huge wooden sticks. Trying to save a quarter, ooh.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Does it seem to you that the ventriloquist dummy has a very active sexual, social life? He's always talking about dates and women he knows, and bringing them back to the suitcase at night. There's always a sawdust joke in there somewhere, you know. He says kinky things because he's made out of wood, and he can spin his head around. We're somehow expected to believe because the face is so animated that they think we're not noticing that the feet are just swinging there. The dummy feet never look really right, do they? They're just kind of dangling there. Always kind of askew, you know. You always just a see an ankle, you know. Those little thin, fabric ankles that they have, you know. I don't think this thing is real.

Jerry: This woman's completely ignoring me.
Kramer: Look at her. This is a lonely woman looking for companionship.. A spinster. Maybe a virgin. Maybe she got hurt a long time ago. She was a schoolgirl. There was a boy. It didn't work out. Now she needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. She needs a little Kramer.
Jerry: Then she'll need a little shot of penicillin.