[stand-up:]
Jerry: Whenever I see the news and they're hauling in some criminal, terrorist, psycho, maniac, mass-murder guy. You ever notice he's always covering up his face with the newspaper, with the jacket, with the hat? What is he worried about? I mean, what is this man's reputation that he has to worry about this kind of exposure damaging his good name? I mean, what, what is he up for a big job promotion down at the office or something? Afraid the boss is going to catch this on TV and go, "Isn't that Johnson from sales? He's up in the clock tower, picking people off one by one. I don't know if that's the kind of man we want heading up that new branch office. He should be in bill collection. I think he's got aptitude."

[stand-up:]
Jerry: To me, the most annoying thing about the couple of times that I did work in an office, is that when you go in on a morning, you say "hi" to everyone, and then, for some reason, throughout the day, you have to continue to greet these people all day, every time you see them. I mean, you walk in on the morning, "Morning, BIll." "Morning, Bob." "How you doing?" "Fine." Ten minutes later, you see them in the hall, "Hey. How you doing?" Every time you pass, you got to come up with a little greeting. You know, you start racking your brains. You know, you do the little eyebrow. You start coming up with nicknames for them, you know, "Jimbo."

[stand-up:]
Jerry: People like the idea of revenge. You ever hear the expression, "The best revenge is living well"? I've said this. In other words, it means, supposedly, the best way of getting back at someone, is being happy and successful in your own live. Sounds nice. Doesn't really work on that Charles Bronson kind of level, you know what I mean? Those movies where his whole family just gets wiped out by some street scum. You think you could go up to him, "Charlie, forget the .357. What you need is a custom-made suit and a convertible. New carpeting, French doors, a divan. That'll show those punks.

Jerry: This stuff on top is my friend's. Could I get it done in a separate machine?
Vic: I'll have to charge you for another machine.
Jerry: Whatever it costs. In fact, I would prefer it if the machines are not even touching each other. Because something could, you know, jump across.

Levitan: Am I crazy, or didn't you quit?
George: When?
Levitan: Friday.
George: Oh, what? What? That? Are you kidding? I didn't quit. What? You took that seriously?
Levitan: You mean, laughingstock? All that stuff?
George: Come on. Will you stop it.
Levitan: No brains? No ability?
George: Teasing.
Levitan: Okay. I want you outta here.
George: I don't know where you're getting this from. I... You're serious aren't you? Oh, [laughing] you see? You just don't know my sense of humor. I mean, Dan, don't I joke around all the time?
Dan: I wouldn't say all the time.
Levitan: You can't win. You can't beat me. That's why I'm here and you're there. Because I'm a winner. I'll always be a winner and you'll always be a loser.

George: [to Levitan] That's it. This is it. I'm done. Through. It's over. I'm gone. Finished. Over. I will never work for you again. Look at you. [laughing] You think you're an important man? Is that what you think? You are a laughingstock. You are a joke. These people are laughing at you. You're nothing! You have no brains, no ability, nothing! [knocks object over on desk] I quit!

Jerry: So, what are you gonna do now? Are you gonna look for something else in real estate?
George: Nobody's hiring now. The market's terrible.
Jerry: So what are you gonna do?
[George stares blankly ahead; cut to later in Jerry's apartment:]
George: I like sports. I could do something in sports.
Jerry: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. In what capacity?
George: You know, like the general manager of a baseball team or something.
Jerry: Yeah. Well, that... That could be tough to get.

George: Well, it doesn't even have to be the general manager. Maybe I could be like, an announcer. Like a caller man. You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game.
Jerry: Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments.
George: What about that?
Jerry: Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting.
George: Well, that's really not fair.

Jerry: Well, okay. Okay. What else do you like?
George: Movies. I like to watch movies.
Jerry: Yeah. Yeah.
George: Do they pay people to watch movies?
Jerry: ... Projectionists.
George: That's true.
Jerry: But you gotta know how to work the projector.
George: Right.
Jerry: And it's probably a union thing.
George: [scoffs] Those unions.

George: Okay. Sports, movies. What about a talk show host?
Jerry: Talk show host. That's good.
George: I think I'd be good at that. I talk to people all the time. Someone even told me once they thought I'd be a good talk show host.
Jerry: Really?
George: Yeah, a couple of people. I don't get that, though. Where do you start?
Jerry: Well, that's where it gets tricky.
George: You can't just walk into a building and say " I wanna be a talk show host."
Jerry: I wouldn't think so.
George: It's all politics.