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‘The Understudy’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Understudy

624. The Understudy

Aired May 18, 1995

As Jerry dates Better Midler's understudy in a Broadway production of "Rochelle Rochelle", George causes a softball accident that knocks the leading lady out. Meanwhile, Elaine needs Frank Costanza's help when she thinks the Korean nail technicians are talking about her behind her back.

Quote from J. Peterman

Elaine: [sobbing] Oh, God. I'm so sorry. I don't even know where I'm going.
J. Peterman: Well, that's the best way to get someplace you've never been.
Elaine: Yes, I suppose that's true.
J. Peterman: Have you been crying?
Elaine: Yes. [sobbing] You see, this woman, this manicurist…
J. Peterman: Oh, no. That doesn’t matter now. That's a very nice jacket.
Elaine: Uh, thanks.
J. Peterman: Very soft, huge button flaps, cargo pockets, draw string waist, deep bi-swing vents in the back perfect for jumping into a gondola.
Elaine: How do you know all that?
J. Peterman: That's my coat.
Elaine: You mean...?
J. Peterman: Yes, I'm J. Peterman.
Elaine: Oh!

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Quote from J. Peterman

J. Peterman: Then, in the distance, I heard the bulls, and I began running as fast as I could. Fortunately, I was wearing my Italian capto oxfords. Sophisticated yet different, without making a huge fuss about. Rich dark brown calfskin leather. Matching linen vamp. Men's whole and half sizes 7 through 13, price $135.
Elaine: Oh, that's not too expensive.
J. Peterman: I like that shirt. Where did you get it?
Elaine: Oh, this innocent looking shirt has something which isn't innocent at all. Touchability. Heavy, silky Italian cotton, with a fine almost terrycloth-like feeling. Five-button placket, relaxed fit, innocence and mayhem at once.
J. Peterman: That's not bad!

Quote from Frank Costanza

Kim: So many years, Frank. So many years. If only you had taken your shoes off.
Frank Costanza: I couldn't because I had a potential foot problem.
Kim: I thought maybe you had a hole in your socks.
Frank Costanza: I wiped them for two minutes on the mat. I don't know why your father had to make a federal case out of it.
Kim: Anyway, that is all in the past. We have our whole future ahead of us.
Frank Costanza: Between you and me, I think your country is placing a lot of importance on shoe removal. [brakes screech]
Kim: You short stop me? We don't do that in Korea! Take me home. I never want to see you again.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Who's Gennice?
Jerry: That's the understudy. I'm dating her.
Kramer: Oh, uh, is this uh, Bette Midler's understudy?
Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: Oh, understudies are a very shifty bunch. The substitute teachers of the theater world.

Quote from Frank Costanza

Frank Costanza: I had an affair with a Korean woman.
Elaine: Uh, Mr. Costanza, I …
Frank Costanza: No, I feel I need to unburden myself. I loved her very deeply. But the clash of cultures was too much. Her family would not accept me.
Elaine: Mr. Costanza, I'm...
Frank Costanza: Maybe it was because I refused to take off my shoes. Again, the foot odor problem. Her father would look at me and say... [speaks Korean]. Which means, "this guy - this is not my kind of guy".

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: [holding Bette Midler] Don't worry I'm with you. Now, Kramer is going to take care of everything. See, I got you pineapple. And I saw Beaches last night for the fourth time. [sighs] "You are the wind beneath my wings"

Quote from George

Jerry: She calls me this morning and tells me she's upset I didn't console her. I mean it was Beaches for god's sake. I mean, what, what do you do in a situation like that?
George: Where were you?
Jerry: I was sitting on the chair. She was over here on the couch.
George: Well, you know, if you were sitting right next to her you'd have to console her no matter what.
Jerry: Of course.
George: When you're talking about a movie like Beaches, moving from the chair to the couch... that's quite a voyage.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Where you going?
Jerry: Show League game. The Improv is playing "Rochelle Rochelle" The musical.
Kramer: Really? What is Bette Midler playing? Is she going to be there?
Jerry: She might be. She's the star of the show.
Kramer: Bette Midler is going to be in the park today? [squeals] Jerry, don't tease me.
George: I didn't know you were such a Bette Midler fan.
Kramer: So maybe I'll go down there and watch, uh? She'll be there, maybe, huh?

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: I'm glad she's an understudy. I don't have to avoid going back stage and having to think of something to say.
George: Going backstage is the worst. Especially when they stink. You know, then it's a real problem.
Jerry: Just once I would like to tell someone they stink. "You know what? I didn't like the show. I didn't like you. It just really stunk. The whole thing, real bad. Stinkaroo. Thanks for the tickets though."

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Look, there she is. It's Bette. It's Bette! [squeals] Uh, Bette?
Bette Midler: Hi.
Kramer: Uh, I just want to say I think you're wonderful.
Bette Midler: Uh, thank you.
Kramer: Yeah. You know, I've seen you in everything you've done.
Bette Midler: Really?
Kramer: Is there anything I can get you? Water? They got Italian ice over here.
Bette Midler: What flavors do they have?
Kramer: Uh, well, they got chocolate, lemon, and uh, cherry.
Bette Midler: How about Pineapple?
Kramer: Pineapple, sure. All right, I'll be right back.

Quote from Frank Costanza

Elaine: Anyway, Mr. Costanza, what I want you to do is to go into the shop with me and tell me what they are saying. You do speak Korean?
Frank Costanza: I once talked to the reverend Sun Myung Moon. He bought two Jesus statues from me. He's a hell of a nice guy.
Elaine: Uh.
Frank Costanza: Ever see that face on him? It was like a big apple pie.
Elaine: Yeah, yeah. Uh. Uh, listen, Mr. Costanza, if, uh, if you do this for me I'll get you a manicure, I'll pay for it. Or you can get a pedicure if you want.
Frank Costanza: No one is touching my feet. Between you and me, Elaine, I think I've got a foot odor problem.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: So you're all in here together. How convenient. I hope you're all proud of yourselves. So, my dear, you think you can get to Broadway. Well, let me tell you something. Broadway has no room for people like you. Not the Broadway I know. My Broadway takes people like you and eats them up and spits them out. My Broadway is the Broadway of Merman and Martin and Fontanne. And if you think you can build yourself up by knocking other people down, good luck! [exits]

Quote from Frank Costanza

Elaine: What'd they say? What'd they say?
Frank Costanza: They made a derogatory comment about me.
Ruby: [Korean: "She's with a man twice her age. He doesn't look like he's got much money either."]
Lotus: [Korean: "Check out that sweater"] [all laugh]
Ruby: [Korean: "I think I saw a moth fly out of a pocket."]
Lotus: [Korean: "What happened to his tail?"]
Frank Costanza: Okay, that's it. [repeats Korean] Where's my tail? I heard every word you said. You got some nerve.

Quote from Frank Costanza

[in the back room:]
Kim: That voice? It sounds so familiar. It reminds me of when I was a young girl in Korea and I met an American businessman. He was a very unusual man. Quick-tempered with a strange halting way of speaking. We fell in love. But when I brought him home to meet my father, he refused to take his shoes off. And there was a terrible fight.
Lotus: That man also refuses to take his shoes off.
Frank Costanza: [o.s.] I never seen people treated like this!
[back out front:]
Ruby: So, you brought in a spy? Now, take your dry, bitten nails and get out! [Elaine exits]
Kim: Frank?
Frank Costanza: Kim?

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: [as he files Bette Middler's nails] So, what's the scoop on Bob Barker? Does he really give a damn about what all those things cost or is he just acting?

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hi, here. I made this for your.
Bette Midler: What is it?
Kramer: It's Macaroni Midler.
Bette Midler: Macaroni Midler?
Kramer: Yeah, see how you're singing?
Bette Midler: Yeah. [chuckles] [sings] Well, you made a long journey from Milan to Minsk.
Kramer: Oh, what's that from?
Bette Midler: Oh, that's one of the songs from my show. [sings] Well you made a long journey from Milan to Minsk Rochelle Rochelle You never stopped hoping. now you're in the Pinsk Rochelle Rochelle When the naysayers nay You picked up your pace You said nothing's going to stop me So get out of my face. I'm having adventures all over the place. Rochelle Rochelle!" What do you think?
Kramer: Oh, you are so freaking talented.

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: I didn't get to tell you about my new job.
Jerry: Where?
Elaine: Writing for the J. Peterman catalog.
Jerry: [pushes her] How did you get that?
Elaine: I met him.
Jerry: You met J. Peterman?
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: What is he like?
Elaine: He wore a classic horseman's duster, beige corduroy collar, 100% cotton canvas, high-waist, nine pockets, six on the outside, great for running along side a train... [Jerry walking away] Waving last goodbyes, posing on a veranda, Men's sizes small, medium, large.
Jerry: Yeah, I'll see you.


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