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‘The Sniffing Accountant’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Sniffing Accountant

504. The Sniffing Accountant

Aired October 7, 1993

Jerry and Kramer are concerned that their accountant is using drugs when he keeps on sniffing. Meanwhile, George's father gets him a job interview at a bra company.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Well, I mean if one of your close friends had a baby and I left you a message about it, I would use an exclamation point.
Jake: Well, maybe I don't use my exclamation points as haphazardly as you do.
Elaine: You don't think that someone having a baby warrants an exclamation point.
Jake: Hey, I just chalked down the message. I didn't know I was required to capture the mood of each caller.
Elaine: I just thought you would be a little more excited about a friend of mine having a baby.
Jake: Okay, I'm excited. I just don't happen to like exclamation points.
Elaine: Well, you know Jake, you should learn to use them. Like the way I'm talking right now, I would put an exclamation points at the end of all these sentences! On this one! And on that one!
Jake: Well, you can put one on this one: I'm leaving!

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Quote from Kramer

Kramer: I'll have a brewski, Charlie.
Bartender: Name's Mitch.
Kramer: Oh, there's nothing like a cold one after a long day, huh?
Barry: Yeah.
Kramer: Oh, yeah. I've been known to drink a beer or two. But then again, I've been known to do a lot of things.
[A waitress walks by and lifts the bar counter door, hitting Kramer in the face. He shuffles over, closer to Barry]
Kramer: Cigarette?
Barry: No, no. I never touch them.
Kramer: Well, I suck 'em down like Coca-Cola. Well here's to feeling good all the time.
[Kramer smokes the cigarette and drinks the beer at the same time]
Barry: [sniffs]
Kramer: Looks like you've got yourself a little cold there, huh, fella?
Barry: I don't think so.
Kramer: Me neither.
[Kramer smokes the wrong end of the cigarette]

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: You wanted to see me, Mr. Lippman?
Mr. Lippman: I was just going over the Jake Jarmel book and I understand you worked with him very closely.
Elaine: Yes. Yes, I did.
Mr. Lippman: And, anyway I was just reading your final edit. Um, there seems to be an inordinate number of exclamation points.
Elaine: Well, I felt that the writing lacked certain emotion and intensity.
Mr. Lippman: Ah. Hmm. "It was damp and chilly afternoon, so I decided to put on my sweatshirt!"
Elaine: Right, well.
Mr. Lippman: You put exclamation point after sweatshirt?
Elaine: That's that's correct. I-I felt that the character doesn't like to be ch-ch-chilly.
Mr. Lippman: I see. "I pulled the lever on the machine, but the Clark bar didn't come out!" Again, exclamation point.
Elaine: Well, yeah. You know how frustrating that can be when you keep putting quarters and quarters in to machine and then nothing comes out...
Mr. Lippman: Get rid of the exclamation points. I hate exclamation points.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: He went to South America.
Kramer: Yeah?
Elaine: So what?
Jerry: Who goes to South America?
Elaine: People go to South America.
Jerry: Yeah, and they come back with things taped to their large intestine.
Elaine: So, because of a few bad apples you're gonna impugn an entire continent?
Jerry: Yes, I'm impugning a continent.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: My accountant actually did take a big chunk of money from me and use it to buy drugs. And the thing that was hardest for me to comprehend about this is the life choice of drug abuse and accounting. But actually, it makes sense. Why would an athlete or musician take drugs? They have an interesting job. But an accountant? If ever a job required some hallucinogenic support. this is the job. That should be the legal defense. So, you're in court, "You're charged with possession of illegal narcotics." "But, Your Honor, I'm an accountant." Bang. "Case closed. Bailiff, give this man his peyote buttons and tequila back for the drive home. Sorry to bother you, sir. Terribly sorry."

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: You're out of your mind, you know that?
Elaine: What?
Jerry: It's an exclamation point! It's a line with a dot under it.
Elaine: Well, I felt it called for one.
Jerry: It called for one?! You know, I thought I'd heard everything. I never heard a relationship being affected by a punctuation.
Elaine: I found it very troubling that he didn't use one.
Jerry: George was right. Didn't take you long.

Quote from George

George: Jerry, where did you get that sweater?
Jerry: What do you think? I found it at the back of my closet.
George: I think that's what the back of closets are for.

Quote from Elaine

George: All right, I've got to get going. My parents are expecting me.
Elaine: Don't forget to wash your hands before supper.

Quote from George

Frank Costanza: What do you need all that ketchup for?
George: This is my ketchup. I bought this ketchup just so I could have as much as I want.

Quote from Frank Costanza

Estelle Costanza: He doesn't know anything about bras.
George: I know a little. Besides, what do you have to know?
Frank Costanza: Well, it wouldn't hurt to go in the and be able to discuss it intelligently. Maybe you should take a look at a few bras? Where is your bra? Give him a bra to look.
Estelle Costanza: I am not giving him a bra.
Frank Costanza: Why not?!
Estelle Costanza: Because I don't need him looking at my bra.
Frank Costanza: Why, so he'll go to the interview and he wouldn't know what he's talking about!?!

Quote from Frank Costanza

Frank Costanza: I'm not saying go to the library and read the whole history, but it wouldn't kill you to know a little bit about it.
George: All right, it wouldn't kill me.
Frank Costanza: How long does it takes to find a bra? What's going on in there? You ask me to get a pair of underwear, I'm back in two seconds. You know about the cup sizes and all? They have different cups.
George: I-I know about the cups.
Frank Costanza: You got the A, B, C the D. That's the biggest.
George: I know the D is the biggest. I've based my whole life on knowing that the D is the biggest.

Quote from Frank Costanza

Estelle Costanza: Here, here's the bra.
Frank Costanza: Let me see it.
Estelle Costanza: 100% Lycra spandex.
Frank Costanza: Let me see it.
Estelle Costanza: I told you. Here, think you know everything?
Frank Costanza: Hmm, that's surprising. All right, what else? You got the cups in the front, two loops in the back. All right, a guess that's about it.
George: I got it. Cups in the front, loops in the back.
Estelle Costanza: You got ketchup on it!

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Well, what else? Was he nervous? Did he use a lot of slang? Did he use the word "man"?
Jerry: No, he didn't use "man".
Kramer: I mean, when he was leaving did he say "I'm splitting"?
Jerry: No, but in one point he did use the bathroom.
Kramer: Whoa!
Jerry: You think that's a bad sign?
Kramer: Yes! Yes, that's what they do! They live in the bathroom!

Quote from Elaine

Jake: What is it?
Elaine: It's nothing.
Jake: Tell me.
Elaine: Well, I was just curious why you didn't use an exclamation point?
Jake: What are you talking about?
Elaine: See, right here you wrote "Myra had the baby", but you didn't use an exclamation point.
Jake: So?
Elaine: So, it's nothing. Forget it, forget it, I just find it curious.

Quote from Newman

Kramer: Well, I say we're going to take our money right now!
Newman: [enters] Hey, hey.
Jerry: Hello, Newman.
Newman: Hello, Jerry. So, any news?
Kramer: Yeah, he skipped out and... went to South America!
Newman: South America?! What kind of snow blower did you get us mixed up with?

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: What's today?
Newman: It's Thursday.
Kramer: Really? Feels like Tuesday.
Newman: Tuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel. Friday has a feel. Sunday has a feel...
Kramer: I feel Tuesday and Wednesday.
Jerry: All right, shut up the both of you!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: You should try this new dental floss, Glide. It's fantastic.
Newman: I use dental tape.
Jerry: You should try this.
Newman: I don't wanna.
Jerry: Not even once?
Newman: No.
Jerry: You're an idiot.
Newman: Why, because I use dental tape?
Jerry: Right, anyone who uses dental tape is an idiot.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: South America, huh?
Barry: Yeah, yeah.
Kramer: That's a burgeoning continent.
Barry: Well, they are expanding their economic base.
Kramer: Tell me about it.
Barry: Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.
Kramer: I'm hip.
Barry: Hip to the what?
Kramer: To the whole scene. [sniffs]
Barry: What scene?
Kramer: The bathroom scene. [sniffs twice]
Barry: Listen, don't take this personally, but when I'm coming back I'm sitting over there.
Kramer: Whatever turns you on.

Quote from Newman

Newman: [flossing] No. No, I don't like it.
Jerry: What do you mean you don't like it? How could you not like it?
Newman: I like the thick tape.
[Jerry is disgusted as Newman puts the used dental floss on the dashboard]

Quote from George

Farkus: So, basically the job here is quite simple. Selling bras.
George: Well, that interests me very much Mr. Farkus. Very much indeed, sir.
Farkus: Have you ever sold a woman's line before?
George: No, but... I have very good rapport with women. Very good. Comfortable. And from the first time I laid eyes on a brassiere, I was enthralled.
Farkus: Hmm. Tell me about it.
George: Well, I was 14 years old. I was in my friends bathroom. His mother's brassiere was hanging on the shower rod. I picked it up, studied it. I thought, "I like this". I didn't know in what way or on what level, but I knew... I wanted to be around brassieres.
Farkus: That's incredible story. You have a remarkable passion for brassieres.
George: Well, they are more than an underwear to me, Mr. Farkus. Two cups in the front, two loops in the back. How do they do it?
Farkus: Well, I think I can say, barring some unforeseen incident, that you will have a very bright future here at E.D. Granmont.
George: Thank you Mr. Farkus. [they shake hands] Thank you very much indeed, sir.
Farkus: See you Monday 9 o'clock.
George: If you don't mind, sir, I'll be here at 8.

Quote from Frank Costanza

Frank Costanza: What do you mean you felt the material? What, with your fingers like this?
George: So what? What is so bad about that?
Estelle Costanza: Who goes around feeling people's material? What can be gained by feeling a person's material? It's insanity!
Frank Costanza: What ever happened to, "Why, that's a lovely dress you have on. May I have this dance?"!


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