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‘The Sniffing Accountant’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Seinfeld: The Sniffing Accountant

504. The Sniffing Accountant

Aired October 7, 1993

Jerry and Kramer are concerned that their accountant is using drugs when he keeps on sniffing. Meanwhile, George's father gets him a job interview at a bra company.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Well, I mean if one of your close friends had a baby and I left you a message about it, I would use an exclamation point.
Jake: Well, maybe I don't use my exclamation points as haphazardly as you do.
Elaine: You don't think that someone having a baby warrants an exclamation point.
Jake: Hey, I just chalked down the message. I didn't know I was required to capture the mood of each caller.
Elaine: I just thought you would be a little more excited about a friend of mine having a baby.
Jake: Okay, I'm excited. I just don't happen to like exclamation points.
Elaine: Well, you know Jake, you should learn to use them. Like the way I'm talking right now, I would put an exclamation points at the end of all these sentences! On this one! And on that one!
Jake: Well, you can put one on this one: I'm leaving!

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Quote from Kramer

Kramer: I'll have a brewski, Charlie.
Bartender: Name's Mitch.
Kramer: Oh, there's nothing like a cold one after a long day, huh?
Barry: Yeah.
Kramer: Oh, yeah. I've been known to drink a beer or two. But then again, I've been known to do a lot of things.
[A waitress walks by and lifts the bar counter door, hitting Kramer in the face. He shuffles over, closer to Barry]
Kramer: Cigarette?
Barry: No, no. I never touch them.
Kramer: Well, I suck 'em down like Coca-Cola. Well here's to feeling good all the time.
[Kramer smokes the cigarette and drinks the beer at the same time]
Barry: [sniffs]
Kramer: Looks like you've got yourself a little cold there, huh, fella?
Barry: I don't think so.
Kramer: Me neither.
[Kramer smokes the wrong end of the cigarette]

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: You wanted to see me, Mr. Lippman?
Mr. Lippman: I was just going over the Jake Jarmel book and I understand you worked with him very closely.
Elaine: Yes. Yes, I did.
Mr. Lippman: And, anyway I was just reading your final edit. Um, there seems to be an inordinate number of exclamation points.
Elaine: Well, I felt that the writing lacked certain emotion and intensity.
Mr. Lippman: Ah. Hmm. "It was damp and chilly afternoon, so I decided to put on my sweatshirt!"
Elaine: Right, well.
Mr. Lippman: You put exclamation point after sweatshirt?
Elaine: That's that's correct. I-I felt that the character doesn't like to be ch-ch-chilly.
Mr. Lippman: I see. "I pulled the lever on the machine, but the Clark bar didn't come out!" Again, exclamation point.
Elaine: Well, yeah. You know how frustrating that can be when you keep putting quarters and quarters in to machine and then nothing comes out...
Mr. Lippman: Get rid of the exclamation points. I hate exclamation points.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: He went to South America.
Kramer: Yeah?
Elaine: So what?
Jerry: Who goes to South America?
Elaine: People go to South America.
Jerry: Yeah, and they come back with things taped to their large intestine.
Elaine: So, because of a few bad apples you're gonna impugn an entire continent?
Jerry: Yes, I'm impugning a continent.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: My accountant actually did take a big chunk of money from me and use it to buy drugs. And the thing that was hardest for me to comprehend about this is the life choice of drug abuse and accounting. But actually, it makes sense. Why would an athlete or musician take drugs? They have an interesting job. But an accountant? If ever a job required some hallucinogenic support. this is the job. That should be the legal defense. So, you're in court, "You're charged with possession of illegal narcotics." "But, Your Honor, I'm an accountant." Bang. "Case closed. Bailiff, give this man his peyote buttons and tequila back for the drive home. Sorry to bother you, sir. Terribly sorry."

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: You're out of your mind, you know that?
Elaine: What?
Jerry: It's an exclamation point! It's a line with a dot under it.
Elaine: Well, I felt it called for one.
Jerry: It called for one?! You know, I thought I'd heard everything. I never heard a relationship being affected by a punctuation.
Elaine: I found it very troubling that he didn't use one.
Jerry: George was right. Didn't take you long.

Quote from George

Frank Costanza: What do you need all that ketchup for?
George: This is my ketchup. I bought this ketchup just so I could have as much as I want.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: You should try this new dental floss, Glide. It's fantastic.
Newman: I use dental tape.
Jerry: You should try this.
Newman: I don't wanna.
Jerry: Not even once?
Newman: No.
Jerry: You're an idiot.
Newman: Why, because I use dental tape?
Jerry: Right, anyone who uses dental tape is an idiot.

Quote from George

George: Jerry, where did you get that sweater?
Jerry: What do you think? I found it at the back of my closet.
George: I think that's what the back of closets are for.

Quote from Elaine

George: All right, I've got to get going. My parents are expecting me.
Elaine: Don't forget to wash your hands before supper.

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