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‘The Cigar Store Indian’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Cigar Store Indian

510. The Cigar Store Indian

Aired December 9, 1993

Jerry tries to make things up to Elaine by giving her a cigar store Indian, inadvertently offending her friend. George has the run of the house while his parents are away. Meanwhile, Elaine takes a TV Guide from the Costanza's, and Kramer pitches a coffee table book about coffee tables.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hey, hey, hey, hey. You know what would make a great coffee table book? A coffee table book about coffee tables! Get it?

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Quote from Jerry

Winona: I guess I could go for a bite.
Jerry: You like Chinese food? 'cause I once went to a great Szechwan restaurant in this neighborhood. I don't remember the exact address... [sees a mailman] Uh, excuse me, you must know where the Chinese restaurant is around here.
Mailman: Why must I know? Because I'm Chinese? You think I know where all the Chinese restaurants are? [affects stereotypical accent] Oh, ask honorable Chinaman for location of restaurant.
Jerry: I asked because you were the mailman, you would know the neighborhood.
Mailman: Oh, hello, American Joe. Which way to hamburger/hotdog stand? [storms away]
Jerry: I didn't know that...
Winona: You know, it's late. I should probably just go home.
Jerry: I, I had no idea.
[As a cab drives by, Kramer leans out of the window straddling the Indian figure]
Kramer: [yells] Hey, Jerry! Look what I got. [war-whoops]

Quote from Jerry

Winona: So, where are we gonna go eat?
Jerry: I thought we'd eat at the Gentle Harvest.
Winona: Ooh, I love that place, but it's usually so crowded. Can we get a table?
Jerry: Ah, don't worry. I made reser... [stops himself]
Winona: You made what?
Jerry: I uh, I uh, I arranged for the appropriate accommodation. And then, Knick tickets, floor seats.
Winona: How did you get these?
Jerry: Got 'em on the street, from a scal... [stops himself again] A uh, one of those guys.
Winona: What guys?
Jerry: You know, the guys, that uh, they sell the tickets for the sold-out events.
Winona: Oh.

Quote from Jerry

Winona: Jerry, I really need it back. It, it is mine.
Jerry: You can't give something and then take it back. I mean, what are you... [stops himself]
Winona: What?
Jerry: A uh, a person that uh...
Winona: A person that what?
Jerry: Well, a person that gives something and then they're dissatisfied and they wish they had, had never uh...
Winona: And?
Jerry: ...given it to the person that they originally gave it to.
Winona: You mean like, an Indian giver?!
Jerry: I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with that term.

Quote from Estelle Costanza

Estelle Costanza: Where am I going to sleep?
George: What are you talking about?
Estelle Costanza: I can't sleep in there!
George: Of course you can.
Estelle Costanza: I can't! [screams] I can't!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: You know, I don't get it. I'm not allowed to ask a Chinese person where the Chinese restaurant is. I mean, aren't we all getting a little too sensitive? I mean, someone asks me which way's Israel, I don't fly off the handle.

Quote from Estelle Costanza

Sylvia: I know this coffee table, it's George Costanza's.
Estelle Costanza: It's mine. I'm his mother.
Sylvia: Oh, I haven't seen George for a while. He must be working very hard.
Estelle Costanza: George doesn't work. He's a bum. That's why he lives at home with us.
Sylvia: He does?

Quote from Frank Costanza

George: So, how was the trip?
Estelle Costanza: Ah, your father...
Frank Costanza: Is there anything wrong with getting a receipt at a toll booth?

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: You can always tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to just freeze that clothing style and just ride it out to the end, don't they? And it's not like they don't continue shopping, it's just they somehow manage to find new old clothes. Every father is like this fashion time capsule, you know what I mean. It's like they should be on a pedestal, with someone next to 'em going "This was nineteen sixty-five". To me, the worst thing is shopping for pants. I hate dressing and undressing in that little room. What men need is a place to shop where you go in, you check your pants at the door, and you just walk around the store in your underwear. That would be the best way. Then you'd really have to lie to the salesman. "Need some help?" "No, just getting some air."

Quote from Elaine

Ricky: Highlighter?
Elaine: Excuse me?
Ricky: To highlight the programs you plan to watch.
Elaine: Ah. Uh, look really... I'm just trying to read.
Ricky: Fine, okay. It's just, I've never seen a beautiful lady reading the Guide so far away from a TV. You must really like television.
[As the train is about to leave, Kramer rushes through the closing door. It shuts on his extended arm, holding out his gyro.]
Kramer: Elaine!
[A passenger walking by grabs Kramer's gyro. As Kramer removes his hand, the subway train moves on without him]
Ricky: Guess your boyfriend'll have to catch the next train.
Elaine: He's not my boyfriend.
Ricky: He's not? Interesting.

Quote from George

Gepetto: Well, I can have the table ready for you on Monday.
George: All right, but no later, because my parents are coming back.
Gepetto: They left you home alone, huh?

Quote from George

Gepetto: They don't make these any more. The work is, is all done by hand. [Sylvia enters the store] Takes years, and years, and... Sylvia! For crying out, you're forty-five minutes late!
Sylvia: Yeah, yeah. [to George] Is that your car out there?
George: No, it's, it's his. [points to Jerry]
Sylvia: Oh, nice. You guys are obviously from Manhattan.
George: Well, he is. I, uh, I live around the corner.
Sylvia: Really? Ah, I didn't think any cool guys lived in this neighborhood.
George: Well, they do now. Neighborhood's changing.
Jerry: All right, I'll take it.
Gepetto: Smart choice.
Sylvia: Wow, you bought the Indian? Oh, you guys have great taste.
George: Well, we're collectors. We, uh, see objects of great beauty and, uh, we must have them.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Ta-da! [silence] It's a cigar store Indian. [to Elaine] Read the card.
Elaine: [uncomfortable] That's very nice. Thank you very much.
Jerry: Read it out loud.
Elaine: I, I don't think so.
Jerry: We had a little fight this afternoon. "Let's bury the hatchet. We smokeem peace pipe."
Winona: Hey, you know, it's late. I really should go. [exits]
Elaine: I, uh, I don't blame you Winona. I, uh.
[Jerry begins rocking the figure back and forth, while chanting in a stereotypical way]
Elaine: Are you out of your mind?!
Jerry: ...ho-ah. It's, it's, it's kitschy.
Elaine: Winona is a Native American.
Jerry: She is?

Quote from George

Sylvia: Ah! Is this your son in the bubble bath?
George: No, that's me.
Sylvia: Oh. You don't see many guys your age who keep baby pictures of themselves around. [laughs] I like it. Consistent with the rest of the house.
George: Yes, it is consistent. I've, uh, I've tried to maintain a consistent feel throughout the house.
Sylvia: What is this we're listening to?
George: The Ray Conniff Singers.
Sylvia: Mmmm, what's that smell? Kasha?
George: It's a pot pourri. May I, uh, may I show you the master bedroom?

Quote from Frank Costanza

Frank Costanza: This stack should be bigger. Where's the TV Guide?
George: What TV Guide?
Frank Costanza: I'm missing TV Guide volume forty-one, number thirty-one.
Jerry: Uh, Elaine took it to read on the subway.
Frank Costanza: Elaine took it?
George: I didn't know she took it.
Jerry: Wah, it's two weeks old.
Frank Costanza: [shouts] How could you let her take the TV Guide?!
George: He collects them.
Jerry: You collect TV Guide?
Frank Costanza: The nerve of that woman. Walking into my house, stealing my collectible!

Quote from George

Estelle Costanza: Oh, my God! [enters holding a small packet] This was in our bed.
Frank Costanza: What is this? [to George] A prophylactic wrapper?!
Estelle Costanza: What is this doing on my bed?!
George: I don't know, uh...
Jerry: I'll see you later. [quickly exits]

Quote from Frank Costanza

Frank Costanza: You were having sex on our bed?!
George: Yes!
Estelle Costanza: Who told you you could have sex in our bed?
George: Well, my bed is too small.
Frank Costanza: Your bed is too small? I'm gone two weeks and you turn our house into... into Bourbon Street!

Quote from Frank Costanza

Frank Costanza: That's it! You're grounded!
George: You can't ground me, I'm a grown man.
Frank Costanza: You wanna live here? You respect the rules of our house. [yells] You're grounded!

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Elaine, uh, what'd he say?
Elaine: What did who say?
Kramer: Your boss. Didn't you tell him about the coffee table book?
Elaine: Um...
Kramer: Yeah, you didn't tell him did you?
Elaine: Kramer, it is such a dumb idea. I would be- [raises her voice] I would be embarrassed to bring it up.
Jerry: I thought it was a pretty good idea. It's about coffee tables, it's on a coffee table.
Kramer: Yeah, right, right. And on the cover is a built-in coaster. [clicks tongue]

Quote from Frank Costanza

Estelle Costanza: Oh, hello Elaine!
Elaine: Hello.
Ricky: Elaine! Hello! You look scrumptious.
Frank Costanza: Why'd you take my TV Guide?
Elaine: I'm so sorry about that, Mr Costanza, but look. Look, I brought you another one.
Ricky: I made this for you.
Elaine: Oh, thank you.
Frank Costanza: What is this? You got stains all over it! What the hell'd you do?
Ricky: Hey, you can't talk to her like that.
Frank Costanza: [shouts] I'll talk to her any way I want!
Ricky: Come on Elaine, let's go.
[As Ricky walks over to Elaine, he knocks over the coffee table with all Frank's TV Guides]
Estelle Costanza: My coffee table!

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: I don't understand. How can you have a cigar store, without an Indian? It's unseemly.
Spike: I'll give you a box of Coronas for it.
Kramer: Forget it.
Mr. Lippman: Uh, excuse me. Are you uh, selling this Indian?
Kramer: Oh yeah, yeah.
Mr. Lippman: Uh, I'm just uh, redecorating my office in a south-western motif and this'd be perfect. Give you five hundred dollars for it?
Kramer: Giddyup.
Mr. Lippman: Yeah? Could you help me bring it up to my office, I'm right next door. Pendant Publishing.
Kramer: Pendant Publishing? Giddyup again.

Quote from Elaine

[As Jerry rushes back to the train, the door closes on his extended arm holding the gyro.]
Jerry: Elaine!
[A guy walking through the carriage takes the gyro and sits down opposite Elaine]
Al Roker: Guess your boyfriend's gonna have to catch the next train.
Elaine: He's not my boyfriend.
Al Roker: He's not? Interesting.
[Elaine looks down at her TV Guide and sees Al Roker smiling on the cover. When she looks back up, he is pulling the same face]

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I was always excited as a kid, when that new TV Guide would come. Somehow when that front cover's nice and flat, seems like there's good fresh TV shows in. Then, as the weeks go by you start to hate the TV Guide. All the shows stink. Everything's getting all crumpled and ripped from being sat on, thrown across the room. TV Guide is always thrown, never handed, to another person. It's the world's most thrown reading material. "Where's the TV Guide?" [mimes throwing] "There it is." You know, on the back of the TV Guide, they have a phone number, ninety-five cents a minute, they will give you the answers to the TV Guide crossword puzzle? My question is, if you can't do the TV Guide crossword puzzle, where are you coming across ninety-five cents?


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