Kramer: Well, you know, we had a fight over the peach and... Well, Joe doesn't want my business.
George: Hey, was that a joke about Houdini?
Jerry: No. [to Kramer] I told you not to say anything.
Kramer: Jerry, what am I gonna do for fruit?
Jerry: Well, you'll have to go to the supermarket.
Kramer: The supermarket? That's impossible! They don't have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket. The apples are mealy. The oranges are dry. I don't know what's going on with the Papayas! Jerry, you gotta go to Joe's, you gotta get me some fruit!

George: It's all your fault! You and Elaine! All that orgasm talk. She did have an orgasm, she didn't have an orgasm. Orgasm this, orgasm that. I got so focused on it. I started to panic and boom, I lost it. I tried everything, I was talking to him. "Please wake up, do something."
Jerry: They're mysterious little fellows aren't they?
George: I hate 'em!
Jerry: You know, it happens to everybody. It happened to Houdini. And he could get out of a trunk under water with his hands in chains! But he had a problem with that. The miracle is that it ever happens.
George: It's like a magic trick. Sometimes I think it would be easier to bend a spoon mentally than to make that transformation.

George: I don't know. Last time I got the tap.
Jerry: You got the tap?
George: You know, you're going along, you think everything's all right and all of a sudden you get that tap. [George taps his own shoulder]. You know it's like, "[whistles] All right, that's enough. You're through."
Jerry: The tap is tough.
George: It's like the manager coming out and asking you for the ball.
Jerry: Well, maybe she just wanted to move on to other business.
George: No, no, this wasn't moving on. I got the hook. I wish I could get a lesson in that.
Jerry: It's a very complicated area.
George: You can go crazy trying to figure that place out.
Jerry: It's a hazy mystery.

Kramer: You know, I faked it.
Jerry: What?!
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: You faked it? Why would you do that?
Kramer: Well, you know, if it's enough already and I just wanna get some sleep.
Jerry: Yeah, but why would you...

Joe: So what do you want me to do?
Kramer: I want restitution.
Joe: Restitution? You want restitution? Why should I give you restitution?
Kramer: Because it's no good.
Joe: Look, once I put that fruit out, that's where it ends for me.
Kramer: It's still your fruit. You gotta stand behind your fruit.
Joe: Hey, I stand behind my fruit.
Kramer: So...
Joe: Hey, you got a bad peach? That's an act of God. He makes the peaches. I don't make the peaches, I sell the peaches. You have a problem? You talk to him.
Kramer: You know this whole place is going... downhill. I could have come in here last week with a bad plum but I let it go.
Joe: Well, I got a solution for you. Take your business elsewhere, I don't want your business.
Kramer: Oh, now you don't want my business?
Joe: No, I don't want your business. And from this moment, you're banned from the store. You're banned!
Kramer: But what am I gonna do for fruit?

Jerry: You faked with me?
Elaine: Yes.
Jerry: No.
Elaine: Yes.
Jerry: You faked it?
Elaine: I faked it.
Jerry: That whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act?
Elaine: Not bad, huh?
Jerry: What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming?
Elaine: Fake, fake, fake, fake.
Jerry: I'm stunned, I'm shocked! How many times did you do this?
Elaine: Umm... All the time.
Jerry: All the time?!

Kramer: She was probably joking.
Jerry: No, no. It was no joke.
Kramer: She didn't have any?
Jerry: No. None.
Kramer: She faked them all.
Jerry: Faked them all.
Kramer: Well so she faked them, so what?
Jerry: The woman had an orgasm under false pretenses. That's sexual perjury.

Kramer: All right, now here's the list.
Jerry: All this? It's too much. What do you need five mangoes for?
Kramer: I like mangoes.
Jerry: Avocado? I don't know how to pick out an avocado.
Kramer: Well, they gotta be soft.
Jerry: How soft?
Kramer: Not too soft. Better too hard than too soft.
Jerry: I'm not going through this every week, I tell you that right now. And what are these? Plums? What is that?
Kramer: Yeah, now get the ones that are red on the inside.
Jerry: Well, how do I know what they look like on the inside? What do they look like on the outside?
Kramer: Oh! And get some plantains.
Jerry: Plantains?
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: What the hell is a plantain?
Kramer: It's part of the banana family. It's a delicacy.
Jerry: You're not getting any plantains.

Kramer: [spits out peach]
Jerry: Bad peach?
Kramer: It's terrible!
Jerry: Did you get that at Joe's?
Kramer: Yeah, of course I got it at Joe's.
Jerry: That's surprising, his fruit is usually the best.
Kramer: You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna return this.
Jerry: You're returning used fruit?
Kramer: Jerry, this peach is subpar.

George: All right, I gotta get going.
Jerry: What are you doing?
George: I got a date with Karen. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Nothing happening down there.
Jerry: You're thinking about it too much. You're putting too much emphasis on it.
George: I knew this was gonna happen some day. It was inevitable. I've known it ever since I was a little kid. I've been waiting for it.