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‘The Mango’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Mango

501. The Mango

Aired September 16, 1993

George worries that he isn't satisfying his new girlfriend Karen (guest star Lisa Edelstein). Jerry is shocked to learn that Elaine "faked it" with him. Meanwhile, Kramer gets banned from the fruit store after complaining about a peach.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Well, you know, we had a fight over the peach and... Well, Joe doesn't want my business.
George: Hey, was that a joke about Houdini?
Jerry: No. [to Kramer] I told you not to say anything.
Kramer: Jerry, what am I gonna do for fruit?
Jerry: Well, you'll have to go to the supermarket.
Kramer: The supermarket? That's impossible! They don't have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket. The apples are mealy. The oranges are dry. I don't know what's going on with the Papayas! Jerry, you gotta go to Joe's, you gotta get me some fruit!

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Quote from George

George: It's all your fault! You and Elaine! All that orgasm talk. She did have an orgasm, she didn't have an orgasm. Orgasm this, orgasm that. I got so focused on it. I started to panic and boom, I lost it. I tried everything, I was talking to him. "Please wake up, do something."
Jerry: They're mysterious little fellows aren't they?
George: I hate 'em!
Jerry: You know, it happens to everybody. It happened to Houdini. And he could get out of a trunk under water with his hands in chains! But he had a problem with that. The miracle is that it ever happens.
George: It's like a magic trick. Sometimes I think it would be easier to bend a spoon mentally than to make that transformation.

Quote from George

George: I don't know. Last time I got the tap.
Jerry: You got the tap?
George: You know, you're going along, you think everything's all right and all of a sudden you get that tap. [George taps his own shoulder]. You know it's like, "[whistles] All right, that's enough. You're through."
Jerry: The tap is tough.
George: It's like the manager coming out and asking you for the ball.
Jerry: Well, maybe she just wanted to move on to other business.
George: No, no, this wasn't moving on. I got the hook. I wish I could get a lesson in that.
Jerry: It's a very complicated area.
George: You can go crazy trying to figure that place out.
Jerry: It's a hazy mystery.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: You know, I faked it.
Jerry: What?!
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: You faked it? Why would you do that?
Kramer: Well, you know, if it's enough already and I just wanna get some sleep.
Jerry: Yeah, but why would you...

Quote from Kramer

Joe: So what do you want me to do?
Kramer: I want restitution.
Joe: Restitution? You want restitution? Why should I give you restitution?
Kramer: Because it's no good.
Joe: Look, once I put that fruit out, that's where it ends for me.
Kramer: It's still your fruit. You gotta stand behind your fruit.
Joe: Hey, I stand behind my fruit.
Kramer: So...
Joe: Hey, you got a bad peach? That's an act of God. He makes the peaches. I don't make the peaches, I sell the peaches. You have a problem? You talk to him.
Kramer: You know this whole place is going... downhill. I could have come in here last week with a bad plum but I let it go.
Joe: Well, I got a solution for you. Take your business elsewhere, I don't want your business.
Kramer: Oh, now you don't want my business?
Joe: No, I don't want your business. And from this moment, you're banned from the store. You're banned!
Kramer: But what am I gonna do for fruit?

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: You faked with me?
Elaine: Yes.
Jerry: No.
Elaine: Yes.
Jerry: You faked it?
Elaine: I faked it.
Jerry: That whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act?
Elaine: Not bad, huh?
Jerry: What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming?
Elaine: Fake, fake, fake, fake.
Jerry: I'm stunned, I'm shocked! How many times did you do this?
Elaine: Umm... All the time.
Jerry: All the time?!

Quote from Jerry

Kramer: She was probably joking.
Jerry: No, no. It was no joke.
Kramer: She didn't have any?
Jerry: No. None.
Kramer: She faked them all.
Jerry: Faked them all.
Kramer: Well so she faked them, so what?
Jerry: The woman had an orgasm under false pretenses. That's sexual perjury.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: All right, now here's the list.
Jerry: All this? It's too much. What do you need five mangoes for?
Kramer: I like mangoes.
Jerry: Avocado? I don't know how to pick out an avocado.
Kramer: Well, they gotta be soft.
Jerry: How soft?
Kramer: Not too soft. Better too hard than too soft.
Jerry: I'm not going through this every week, I tell you that right now. And what are these? Plums? What is that?
Kramer: Yeah, now get the ones that are red on the inside.
Jerry: Well, how do I know what they look like on the inside? What do they look like on the outside?
Kramer: Oh! And get some plantains.
Jerry: Plantains?
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: What the hell is a plantain?
Kramer: It's part of the banana family. It's a delicacy.
Jerry: You're not getting any plantains.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: [spits out peach]
Jerry: Bad peach?
Kramer: It's terrible!
Jerry: Did you get that at Joe's?
Kramer: Yeah, of course I got it at Joe's.
Jerry: That's surprising, his fruit is usually the best.
Kramer: You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna return this.
Jerry: You're returning used fruit?
Kramer: Jerry, this peach is subpar.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: How about that seedless watermelon? What an invention. Scientists are working on this. Other scientists devote their lives to fighting cancer, AIDS, heart disease. These guys go, "No, I'm focusing on melon. Oh, sure, thousands of people are dying needlessly, but this... [mimes spits seed] has got to stop. You ever try and pick a wet one up off the floor? It's almost impossible. I'm devoting my life to that." So I guess if they can get rid of the seeds, the rind is going next. What do we need that for? Get rid of the ring. They're not gonna stop until they're making in-the-ground, ready-to-eat fruit cups growing right out of the ground.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: All right, let me ask you this: when she comes over, you're cleaning up a lot?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: You're just straightening up or you're cleaning?
George: Cleaning
Jerry: You do the tub?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: On your knees, Ajax, scrubbing, the whole deal?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: Okay, I think you're in love!
George: Tub is love?
Jerry: Tub is love. So there you are. You've got a nice girl and a clean apartment.

Quote from Jerry

George: There's one little problem.
Jerry: Sexual?
George: Yeah. Well... I've never really felt confident in... one particular aspect.
Jerry: Below the equator?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: Nobody does. You know, nobody knows what to do. You just close your eyes and you hope for the best. I really think they're happy if you just make an effort.

Quote from Elaine

George: You faked?
Elaine: On occasion.
Jerry: And the guy never knows?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: How can he not know that?
Elaine: Because I was good.
Jerry: I guess after that many beers he's probably a little groggy anyway. [both laugh]
Elaine: You didn't know.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: You know, I heard her screaming from my apartment? She woke me up a few times.
Jerry: How did she do it? She's like Meryl Streep this woman. And I had to work the equipment. I'm not unskilled, I'm in the union. I mean, if she'd at least told me, maybe I could have done something about it.
Kramer: Yeah I could have helped you out.
Jerry: What could you have done?
Kramer: I could have given you some pointers. I know how to press those buttons, buddy.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Renee, can you come here a second? Let me ask you something: have you ever... you know... faked it?
Renee: Yeah, sometimes.
Elaine: Really, like when?
Renee: Like if we went to a Broadway show, if we had really good seats.
Elaine: Yeah, well...
Renee: Well, you know, if it's enough all ready and I just wanna get some sleep.

Quote from George

George: Well, if Houdini couldn't do it, what chance do I have?

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Hey, Joe.
Joe: How is it going?
Jerry: Good, just getting some fruit for myself. Gotta have fruit in the house. I like it as a snack. Wholesome, natural, chock-full of vitamins. All right, let's see. Mangoes. Four plums with red on the inside. Avocado. Ooh, just right. And three plantains ought to do it.
Joe: All right. All right, just hold it right there.
Jerry: What?
Joe: This fruit isn't for you.
Jerry: What? What are you talking about?
Joe: You think I don't know, huh? Mangoes, plantains, plums with the red on the inside, that's Kramer!
Jerry: I can't buy mangoes and plantains?
Joe: All right, get out!
Jerry: You're making a big mistake, Joe!
Joe: I'll tell you something else: I don't what your business anymore either.
Jerry: Are you saying you're banning me from the store?
Joe: That's exactly what I'm saying.
Jerry: I'm banned?!
Joe: You're banned.

Quote from George

George: All right, I gotta get going.
Jerry: What are you doing?
George: I got a date with Karen. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Nothing happening down there.
Jerry: You're thinking about it too much. You're putting too much emphasis on it.
George: I knew this was gonna happen some day. It was inevitable. I've known it ever since I was a little kid. I've been waiting for it.

Quote from George

Kramer: Here, have some mango.
George: I don't want any mango.
Kramer: Come on, take some. It's good.
George: [tries a piece] Very good. Juicy. Ripe. Boy, this Joe's got some terrific fruit.
Jerry: What?
George: I feel like I got a B12 shot. This is like a taste explosion!
Kramer: I told you.
Jerry: What is it?
George: I think it moved. Oh, my God, I think it moved. Yeah, give me the big piece. I'll see you later.
Elaine: Hi, George.
George: I'm back, baby! I'm back!

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: A female orgasm is kinda like the bat cave. Very few people know where it is. And if you're lucky enough to see it, you probably don't know how you got there and you can't find you way back after you left. There are two types of female orgasm: the real and the fake. And I'll tell you right now, as a man, we don't know. We do not know, because to a man sex is like a car accident and determining the female orgasm is like being asked "What did you see after the car went out of control?". "Uh, I heard a lot of screeching sounds. I remember I was facing the wrong way at one point. And in the end my body was thrown clear."


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