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‘The Pez Dispenser’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Pez Dispenser

314. The Pez Dispenser

Aired January 15, 1992

Jerry gets Elaine in trouble when he makes her laugh at George's girlfriend's piano recital. Meanwhile, George tries to gain the upper hand in his relationship, Jerry is talked in to hosting an intervention, and Kramer tries to develop a beach-scented cologne.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Women put on their perfume in an interesting way. I love watching them do that. You ever notice that, guys? They have their little key, Stratego little areas. [hums, mimics putting perfume on] Places they think we're going. And they always hit this one. [points to the back of his wrist] Women are convinced this is the most action-packed area that could ever happen in the dating world. What? What is that, ladies? What is happening here? Is that in case you slap the guy or something? He still finds you intriguing. [mimes being slapped] "Oh! Chanel."

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Quote from George

Elaine: When I was outside I ran into John Molika.
Jerry: Really John Molika, they guy that used to bartend at the Comedy Club. How's he doing?
Elaine: He's good.
George: Uh, can we cut to the chase?
Jerry: "Cut to the chase"?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: What are you, "Joe Hollywood"?
George: A lot of people say it.
Jerry: I would lose that.
George: [accusingly] What's that?
Jerry: "Lose that"? That's not a Hollywood expression!
George: ... Yes, it is.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: You know, I think Kramer might have been responsible for getting Richie involved with drugs in the first place.
Elaine: What? How?
Jerry: A few years ago, the comedy club had a softball team. Kramer was our first baseman. You couldn't get anything by him. It was unbelievable. Anyway, this one game we came back to win from, like, eight runs behind. So Kramer says to Richie, why don't you dump the bucket of Gatorade on Marty Benson's head. The club owner. So Richie goes ahead and does it.
Elaine: So? What happened?
Jerry: What happened? The guy was, like, 67 years old. It was freezing out, he caught a cold, got pneumonia, and a month later he was dead.
Elaine: Shut up!
Jerry: All the comedians were happy. Because he was one of these club owners nobody liked anyway. But Richie was never the same.
Elaine: What about Kramer?
Jerry: He's the same!

Quote from George

George: Anyway, there was all this tension. I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner and she said, "No, maybe we could get together for lunch." You know what that means.
Jerry: What's wrong with lunch?
George: Lunch is fine at the beginning, then you move on to dinner. You don't move back to lunch. It's like being demoted. I'll never do another crossword puzzle with her again. I know it.
Kramer: I like the jumble. You ever do the jumble?
George: I have no power. Do you understand? I need hand. I have no hand.

Quote from George

Kramer: Break up with her.
George: What?
Kramer: You break up with her. You reverse everything that way.
Jerry: A preemptive breakup.
George: A preemptive breakup. This is an incredible idea. I got nothing to lose. We either break up, which she would do anyway, but at least I go out with some dignity. Or I completely turn the tables. This is absolutely brilliant.

Quote from Jerry

Man: It's him.
Roberta: What should we do?
Elaine: Hide!
Jerry: It's not a surprise party!

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Jawbreakers, to me, was like the ultimate challenge candy. It was almost like candy manufacturers were sitting in their laboratories, going: "I wonder if they'll eat this. This seems pretty tough to eat. Let's market it as some sort of experiment." But the concept of Jawbreakers- What was the concept? Multi-colored cement balls for a quarter?" Was that the idea behind that? Let's see if we can hurt them. Let's see if they'll pay to be hurt." This is the idea behind Jawbreakers. And I did it, I ate them, I loved them. "Ow, ow, ow. Oh, this is very painful. I'm really hurting. This is hurting me a lot. And I love them."

Quote from George

George: She's a pianist. A classical pianist. She plays the piano. She's- She's- She's a brilliant woman. I-I-I sat in her living room. She played the Waldstein sonata. The Waldstein! [hums] We- We did a crossword puzzle together, in bed. It was the most fun I ever had in my entire life. Do you hear me? In my life! [Jerry enters from the bathroom] You know?
Jerry: Were you talking? I couldn't hear anything.
George: I was telling you about Noel.
Jerry: Oh, Noel! Yeah, the one who plays bongos...
George: [feigns laughter] So side-splitingly funny...

Quote from George

Jerry: I know. You told me you like her. Everything is going good.
George: No, everything is not going good. I'm very uncomfortable. I have no power. I mean, why should she have the upper hand. Once in my life I would like the upper hand. I have no hand. No hand at all. She has the hand. I have no hand.
Jerry: Hand me that, would you?
George: Yeah, sure. How do I get the hand?
Jerry: We all want the hand. Hand is tough to get. You gotta get the hand right from the opening.
George: She's playing a recital this week at the McBierny School. You wanna hear her play? I got two extra tickets, you and Elaine could go...
Jerry: Yeah, that sounds like something.
George: Then afterwards maybe we could all go out together. You know, she'll see me with my friends, she'll observe me as I really am, as myself. Maybe I can get some hand that way.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hey, smell my arm. Smell it!
George: No, with all due respect, I don't think so...
Jerry: That smells good, what is that?
Kramer: The beach.
Jerry: The beach?
George: What, did you go swimming? It's 29 degrees out!
Kramer: No, I just joined the Polar Bear Club.
Jerry: You joined the Polar Bears?
George: What the hell is a polar bear?
Kramer: Well, it's these people. They go swimming in the winter. They're terrific. I just took my first swim today. Brrrrrrr! It's invigorating!
Jerry: Yeah. So's shock therapy.

Quote from George

Jerry: What is that, a PEZ dispenser?!
Kramer: Yeah, you want one? Yeah, I just bought it at the Flea Market.
George: Hey, what goes on there, exactly?
Jerry: You don't know?
George: No, I-I-I know... I know...
Jerry: You think they have fleas there, don't you?
George: No.
Jerry: Yes you do, Biff. You've never been to a Flea Market, and you think they have fleas there.
George: All right, I think they have fleas there. So what.

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: I don't know how anyone does this. It must be so nerve racking. How do they warm up their fingers?
Jerry: They have a piano backstage they warm up on.
Elaine: No, we would have heard it.
Jerry: What, do you think they just crack their knuckles and come out?
George: I told her we'd all go out afterwards, okay? And don't applaud when she stops playing the first time. It's not over yet.
Jerry: [whispering] I resent that you said that! That's directed at me, isn't it?!
[As Noel comes out, the audience applauds]
Jerry: [claps] Is this okay? Can I do this?

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: I'm sorry. George, I'm sorry!
George: What did you put the PEZ dispenser on her leg for in the first place?
Jerry: I dunno. It was an impulse.
George: What kind of a sick impulse iss that?
Jerry: How could I know she'd start to laugh?
Elaine: [laughing] I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I am!

Quote from Jerry

George: Oh, these are my friends, Elaine and Jerry, ... Noel
Jerry: You play a Hell of a piano.
Elaine: Yeah, I was really moved. Really moved.
Noel: Well, didn't you hear that person laughing? I couldn't play. I was humiliated.
Elaine: Well, I'm sure it wasn't at you.
Noel: Well, then what was she laughing at?
Jerry: PEZ?
Noel: Uh, no. No, thank you.

Quote from Elaine

Noel: Did you see her?
George: Me? Uh, uh, no...
Jerry: Well, anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.
Elaine: Well, you know, maybe some mental defective put something stupid on her leg.
Jerry: Even if this so called mental defective did put something on her leg she's still the one who laughed.
Noel: I'll never forget that laugh for the rest of my life. [exits]
Elaine: Well, I'm sure she would apologize if she could. Probably somebody is holding her back. Maybe against every fiber in her being.
George: Well, if she want's to continue to have a fiber of her being she'll be very careful.

Quote from Jerry

George: All right. So, are you ready? We'll go out and get something to eat.
Noel: I don't feel like it tonight.
Jerry: We'll be outside
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: It was nice meeting you. By the way, how do you warm up your fingers before you play?
Noel: I just crack my knuckles.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: [on the phone] Are you sure you want me, John? I haven't spoken to Richie in two years. I don't have a good apartment for an intervention. The furniture, it's very non-confrontational. All right All right. Goodbye.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Remember Richie Appel?
Kramer: Oh sure, the guy I told to pour the Gatorade that killed Marty Benson?
Jerry: Right. Well, John Molika is organizing some kind of intervention for him. We're having it here.
Kramer: Can I get in on that?
Jerry: What do you think? It's like a poker game?
Kramer: Is Elaine going?
Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: Well, I knew him as well as she did.
Jerry: Yeah, but John invited her.
Kramer: So what are you saying, you don't want me to intervene?
Jerry: No, intervene. Go intervene all you want. I am just afraid you might be interfering while we're intervening.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: You know, I got a great idea for a cologne. The Beach. You spray it on and you smell like you just came home from the beach.
Jerry: Hmm. A cologne that smells like the beach. I can't believe I'm saying this, but that's not a bad idea.
Kramer: Tell me about it.

Quote from George

George: Well, it's over. It's definitely over.
Jerry: She broke up with you?
George: No, but I can tell she's going to. I can sense it. We had this terrible phone conversation. I was so nervous before I called I made up this whole list of things to talk about.
Jerry: What was on the list?
George: Oh, let's see. How I'm very good at going in reverse in my car. Why isn't Postum a more popular drink? Jerry: Yeah, Postum is underratted.

Quote from George

George: So, I am afraid that I am going to have to break up with you.
Noel: You're breaking up with me?
George: I... am breaking up with you.
Noel: Wow.
George: Shocked?
Noel: I really am.
George: Never expected this did you?
Noel: I thought everything was fine.
George: Well, live and learn.
Noel: I don't understand. You're breaking up with me. Didn't we have fun doing the crossword puzzles?
George: Kind of.
Noel: I'm very confused.
George: Well, I didn't mean to hurt you kid.

Quote from George

Noel: What do you want? I know can make you happy.
George: When... When you're playing the piano, do you think about me?
Noel: I don't know.
George: Well, this is what I'm talking about.
Noel: Okay, I'll think about you.
George: All the time.
Noel: All the time?
George: You know...
Noel: Okay, All the time.
George: I can't hear you.
Noel: All the time!
George: See, it's not so hard.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: You know the way you smell when you first come home from the beach? Well, I want to make a cologne that captures the essence of that smell. Oh, yeah.
Steve: That is the dumbest idea I have ever heard.
Kramer: Oh, wait. Did you hear what I just said?
Steve: You think people are going to pay $80 a bottle to smell like dead fish and sea weed? That's why people take showers when the come home from the beach. It's an objectionable, offensive odor.
Kramer: So you don't think it's a good idea?

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: Is this the interference?
Jerry: Intervention.
Man: What are you doing here?
Kramer: Uh, is it all right if I stay for the intervention?
Steve: Hey, this is for close friends only.
Kramer: I'm a friend. Who do you think told him to pour the Gatorade over Marty Benson's head?
Man: Let him stay.

Quote from Jerry

Old Guy: We're having a party here?
Jerry: No, we're having an intervention.
Old Guy: An intervention? Who's intervening?
Jerry: There's a friend of ours on drugs and we're going to confront him.
Old Guy: Sure, we used to do that when one of our polar bears stopped coming. We would go to his house and say, "What you don't want to be a polar bear anymore? It's too cold for you?"

Quote from George

Jerry: Well, you're looking well.
George: Jerry, let me tell you something. A man without hand is not a man. I got so much hand I'm coming out of my gloves. I got to thank Kramer.

Quote from George

Steve: Even if I were dragged through manure, I still wouldn't put that stuff on.
George: [about Kramer] This man is a genius. Genius!
Steve: You think so?
George: I don't think so, I know so.

Quote from George

Old Guy: The male kangaroo doesn't have a pouch only the female has it. The male has pouch envy.
Elaine: [chuckles]
Old Guy: "Why should she have this huge pouch and I have nothing? I have things to carry too. At least give me a pocket."
Elaine: [laughs]
[As Elaine laughs, Noel turns to Elaine. Elaine tries to cover it with a cough.]
Noel: That laugh. That's the laugh. That's it. You're the one.
Elaine: No, no. It was an accident. It really wasn't my fault. It was Jerry. Jerry put a PEZ dispenser on my leg.
Noel: You put a PEZ dispenser on her leg during my recital?
Jerry: I didn't know she would laugh.
Noel: And you, you lied to me George, you lied to me.
George: No, I, uh... Um... Wh- Wh- What did I do?
Noel: I ... am breaking up with you!
George: You can't break up with me. I've got hand.
Noel: And you're going to need it.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: So we start the intervention. And it was pretty ugly from the get go. He's not listening, he's hostile, he's talking back.
George: I can't do these puzzles.
Jerry: So he starts to get up... Suddenly, he spots the Pez dispenser on the coffee table.
George: [chuckles] The Pez dispenser.
Jerry: He picks it up. He stares at it. It's like he's hypnotized by it. Then he's telling us this story about how, when he was a kid, he was in the car with his father, and his father was trying to load one of them.
George: Well, they're hard to load.
Jerry: Tell me something I don't know. So as the father's trying to load it, he loses control of the car and it crashes into a high school cafeteria. Nobody's hurt but Pez is all over the car. And the dispenser was destroyed virtually beyond recognition.
George: Poor kid.
Jerry: So as he's telling the story he starts crying.
George: What did you do?
Jerry: What do you think? I gave him my PEZ dispenser.
George: Wow.
Jerry: Two hours later, he checks into Smither's clinic. I talked to the doctor yesterday. He's doing great on the rehab. He's hooked on PEZ. He's eating them like there's no tomorrow.
George: What's a three letter word for candy?
Jerry: I can't do those things.


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