[stand-up:]
Jerry: Women put on their perfume in an interesting way. I love watching them do that. You ever notice that, guys? They have their little key, Stratego little areas. [hums, mimics putting perfume on] Places they think we're going. And they always hit this one. [points to the back of his wrist] Women are convinced this is the most action-packed area that could ever happen in the dating world. What? What is that, ladies? What is happening here? Is that in case you slap the guy or something? He still finds you intriguing. [mimes being slapped] "Oh! Chanel."

Elaine: When I was outside I ran into John Molika.
Jerry: Really John Molika, they guy that used to bartend at the Comedy Club. How's he doing?
Elaine: He's good.
George: Uh, can we cut to the chase?
Jerry: "Cut to the chase"?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: What are you, "Joe Hollywood"?
George: A lot of people say it.
Jerry: I would lose that.
George: [accusingly] What's that?
Jerry: "Lose that"? That's not a Hollywood expression!
George: ... Yes, it is.

Jerry: You know, I think Kramer might have been responsible for getting Richie involved with drugs in the first place.
Elaine: What? How?
Jerry: A few years ago, the comedy club had a softball team. Kramer was our first baseman. You couldn't get anything by him. It was unbelievable. Anyway, this one game we came back to win from, like, eight runs behind. So Kramer says to Richie, why don't you dump the bucket of Gatorade on Marty Benson's head. The club owner. So Richie goes ahead and does it.
Elaine: So? What happened?
Jerry: What happened? The guy was, like, 67 years old. It was freezing out, he caught a cold, got pneumonia, and a month later he was dead.
Elaine: Shut up!
Jerry: All the comedians were happy. Because he was one of these club owners nobody liked anyway. But Richie was never the same.
Elaine: What about Kramer?
Jerry: He's the same!

George: Anyway, there was all this tension. I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner and she said, "No, maybe we could get together for lunch." You know what that means.
Jerry: What's wrong with lunch?
George: Lunch is fine at the beginning, then you move on to dinner. You don't move back to lunch. It's like being demoted. I'll never do another crossword puzzle with her again. I know it.
Kramer: I like the jumble. You ever do the jumble?
George: I have no power. Do you understand? I need hand. I have no hand.

Kramer: Break up with her.
George: What?
Kramer: You break up with her. You reverse everything that way.
Jerry: A preemptive breakup.
George: A preemptive breakup. This is an incredible idea. I got nothing to lose. We either break up, which she would do anyway, but at least I go out with some dignity. Or I completely turn the tables. This is absolutely brilliant.

Man: It's him.
Roberta: What should we do?
Elaine: Hide!
Jerry: It's not a surprise party!

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Jawbreakers, to me, was like the ultimate challenge candy. It was almost like candy manufacturers were sitting in their laboratories, going: "I wonder if they'll eat this. This seems pretty tough to eat. Let's market it as some sort of experiment." But the concept of Jawbreakers- What was the concept? Multi-colored cement balls for a quarter?" Was that the idea behind that? Let's see if we can hurt them. Let's see if they'll pay to be hurt." This is the idea behind Jawbreakers. And I did it, I ate them, I loved them. "Ow, ow, ow. Oh, this is very painful. I'm really hurting. This is hurting me a lot. And I love them."

Jerry: What is that, a PEZ dispenser?!
Kramer: Yeah, you want one? Yeah, I just bought it at the Flea Market.
George: Hey, what goes on there, exactly?
Jerry: You don't know?
George: No, I-I-I know... I know...
Jerry: You think they have fleas there, don't you?
George: No.
Jerry: Yes you do, Biff. You've never been to a Flea Market, and you think they have fleas there.
George: All right, I think they have fleas there. So what.

George: Well, it's over. It's definitely over.
Jerry: She broke up with you?
George: No, but I can tell she's going to. I can sense it. We had this terrible phone conversation. I was so nervous before I called I made up this whole list of things to talk about.
Jerry: What was on the list?
George: Oh, let's see. How I'm very good at going in reverse in my car. Why isn't Postum a more popular drink?
Jerry: Yeah, Postum is underrated.

George: She's a pianist. A classical pianist. She plays the piano. She's- She's- She's a brilliant woman. I-I-I sat in her living room. She played the Waldstein sonata. The Waldstein! [hums] We- We did a crossword puzzle together, in bed. It was the most fun I ever had in my entire life. Do you hear me? In my life! [Jerry enters from the bathroom] You know?
Jerry: Were you talking? I couldn't hear anything.
George: I was telling you about Noel.
Jerry: Oh, Noel! Yeah, the one who plays bongos...
George: [feigns laughter] So side-splitingly funny...