Cosmo Kramer's multiple aliases: professor Peter Van Nostrand, actor Martin Van Nostrand, Doctor Van Nostrand, and industrialist H.E. Pennypacker.
Kramer: Hi, I'm H.E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy American industrialist, uh, looking to open a silver mine in the mountains of Peru. And uh, before I invest millions in a lucrative mine, I, I'd like to go a little native. Uh. Get the feel of their condiments, of their unmentionables. You know, the real uh, gritty-gritty. [eats chips]
Gladys: Well, let me show you what we have.
Kramer: Well, uh, I think I can just browse around on my own. [eats chips] Hmm, Machu Pichu. Are these free?
[Kramer walks over to a rack, indiscriminately takes a selection of clothes, and then starts choking on the chips on his way to the changing room]
Gladys: Some of those are women's clothes.
Kramer: Oh, not a problem.
[Kramer closes the curtain. The sound of a pricing gun can be heard. Kramer drops it and then steps on it.]
Mrs. Nyhart: Would you like to see the rest of the apartment, Mister, um--
Jerry: Uh... Varnsen. Kel Varnsen. Actually, this room intrigues me. Why is it called the TV room?
Mrs. Nyhart: Well, it's--
Jerry: [at TV] Balk?! How was that a balk?! You have any snacks?
Mrs. Nyhart: Mr. Varnsen, if you like the apartment, I should tell you I've also had some interest from a wealthy industrialist.
Jerry: Not Pennypacker.
Mrs. Nyhart: You know him?
Jerry: I wish I didn't. Brace yourself, madam, for an all-out bidding war. But this time, advantage Varnsen!
Mrs. Nyhart: Did the broker send you over?
Kramer: Uh, yes, most likely. Yes. I'm, uh, H.E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy industrialist and philanthropist and, uh, a bicyclist. Yes, I'm looking for a place where I can settle down with my, uh, peculiar habits, and, uh, the women that I frequent with. [sniffs wall] Mmm. Mombasa, hmm?
Mrs. Nyhart: The asking price is $1.5 million.
Kramer: Oh, I spend that much on after shave. Yes, I buy and sell men like myself every day. Now, I assume that there's a waterfall grotto?
Mrs. Nyhart: No.
Kramer: How about a bathroom?
Mrs. Nyhart: It has 4.
Kramer: Yes, and where would the absolute nearest one be?
Mrs. Nyhart: Just down the hall.
Kramer: Oh, thank you.
Attendant: May I help you?
Kramer: Yes, yes. I am Dr. Van Nostrand from the clinic. I'm gonna need Elaine Benes chart. She's a patient of mine and... I don't think she's not going to make it. It's, uh, very bad. It's very messy.
Attendant: I see and what clinic is that again?
Kramer: That's correct.
Attendant: Excuse me.
Kramer: From the Hoffermandorf Neo Clinic in Belgium.
Kramer: The Netherlands?
Mrs. Nyhart: Right this way, Mr. Vandelay.
George: Well, this is a lovely apartment. Lovely! My kids are gonna go crazy. I, uh, I wonder if I could see the bathrooms. Preferably one with some paint thinner and, uh, some rags?
Mrs. Nyhart: It's down the hall.
Jerry: Oh, hello...
Jerry: Mr. Vandelay, of course.
Mrs. Nyhart: You two know each other? [Kramer bursts in through the door] Mr. Pennypacker!
Kramer: Uh, yes, uh, I--I wanted to, uh, stop by and make sure that my shark tank fits-- Uh, hello.
Mrs. Nyhart: Mr. Pennypacker, this is Mr. Vandelay, And you know Mr. Varnsen.
George: Pennypacker. Varnsen.
Jerry: Vandelay. Wait a second. Mr. Pennypacker, if you're here, and Mr. Vandelay is also here, then who's watching the factory?
Kramer: The factory?
Jerry: The Saab factory?
Kramer: Jerry, that's in Sweden.
Elaine: Oh, uh, hi. I'm Wanda Pepper, I'm Albert Pepper's daughter. My father asked me to come here and pick up his jacket for him.
Landlord: Oh, hello, Miss Pepper. It's a pleasure to meet you. And you must be Professor Van Nostrand?
Kramer: Yes. Yes, I am.
Landlord: I've read your book, Professor, and I was quite intrigued by it.
Kramer: Uh, yes. Well, it's, uh, very intriguing.
Landlord: Tell me, is it your contention that Shakespeare was an imposter?
Kramer: My contention?
Landlord: Yes, your contention.
Kramer: Yes, that's my contention.
Elaine: I heard him contend that.
Kramer: So my mother's going out with this guy who leaves a jacket in her house so, you know, she gives it to me. Well, two years later he shows up and he takes it back. And now he's in prison. He got arrested for mail fraud. So, Elaine, all you have to do is go over to the apartment, tell the landlord that you're his daughter and you want to bring him the jacket in prison.
Elaine: Won't the landlord know I'm not the daughter?
Kramer: No, he's never met her. She's in California.
Elaine: Are you coming with me?
Kramer: Oh, yeah yeah, I have to. I'm your fiance, Peter Von Nostrand.
George: Why don't you just commit yourself already?
Casting Director: This is Martin Van Nostrand.
Jerry: What are you doing here?
Casting Director: You two know each other?
Stu: Wait a minute, I know you. You're the guy from the Calvin Klein underwear ads.
Kramer: That's true.
Kramer: Male mammal. Approximately 30 to 60 years of age. Weight, oh, indeterminate. Okay, Mr. Kruger, we're gonna take a photo now for the record. So if you'll stand up please and give me a big smile. Oh, no, no, no, not that big. Yeah, that's nice. Yes, okay. Yes, let's have a look see. Okay, okay. So... Uh, fiber from shirt on the left shoulder. I'm gonna have to keep my eye on that.
Kruger: How long have you been doing this Dr. Van Nostrand?
Kramer: Oh, long, long time. Yes, I've seen moles so big they have their own moles. Freckles that cover two men.
Kruger: So, how am I looking?
Kramer: Oh, so far, so good... [looks at Kruger's shoulder] Uh-ye.
Jerry: Hey, I wonder if they have a picture of my rash in here.
Kramer: They've got everything there, Jerry. I underlined the best parts.
Jerry: Hey, this looks like the thing I have. Caused by exposure to benzene, a common ingredient in metal cleaners.
Kramer: [cleans his blade] Well, that's weird.
Jerry: What are you doing?
Kramer: Well, I'm cleaning my slicer.
Jerry: That's my hand towel! I use that on my face, hands and chest! That's where the hives are coming from! It's not from Dr. Sitarides, it's from Dr. Van Nostrand!
Kramer: So, somehow the Bronze-O is reacting to the poison she's giving you.
Jerry: All right, get out. And take your Bronze-O with you. [throws it to Kramer]
Kramer: Oh, that's toxic. [Jerry throws the towel over Kramer's head]