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‘The Pony Remark’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Pony Remark

202. The Pony Remark

Aired January 30, 1991

Jerry feels responsible for his aunt's untimely death.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: What is this about?
Kramer: I'm completely changing the configuration of the apartment. You're not gonna believe it when you see it. A whole new lifestyle.
Jerry: What are you doing?
Kramer: Levels.
Jerry: Levels?
Kramer: Yeah, I'm getting rid of all my furniture. All of it. And I'm going to build these different levels. You know, with steps. And it'll all be carpeted with a lot of pillows. You know, like ancient Egypt.

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Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: My parents live in Florida now. They moved there last year. They didn't want to move to Florida, but they're in their sixties, and that's the law. You know how it works. They got the leisure police. They pull up in front of the old people's house with a golf cart, jump out, "Let's go, Pop. White belt, white pants, white shoes, get in the back. Drop the snow shovel right there, drop it!" I am not much for the family gathering. You ever sit there, and the conversation's so boring. It's so dull. And you start to fantasize. You know, you think, "What if I just got up and jumped out that window? What would it be like?" Just crashed right through the glass.. You know. Come back in, there's broken glass, everybody's all upset. "No, I'm all right. I was just a little bored, there. No, I'm fine. I came back. I wanted to hear a little about that Hummel collection, Aunt Rose. Let's pick it up right there."

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: We don't understand death. And the proof of this is that we give dead people a pillow. And, uh, I mean, hey, you know. I think if you can't stretch out and get some solid rest at that point, I don't see how bedding accessories really make the difference. I mean, they got the guy in a suit with a pillow. Now, is he going to a meeting, or is he catching forty winks? I mean, let's make up our mind where we think they're going.

Quote from George

George: You know, I've been thinking. I cannot envision any circumstances in which I'll ever have the opportunity to have sex again. How's it gonna happen? [flicks sugar packet] I just don't see how it could occur.

Quote from George

George: They always make me take stock of my life and how I've pretty much wasted all of it, and how I plan to continue wasting it.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: If I wind up sitting nest to Uncle Leo, I am leaving. He's always grabbing my arm when he talks to me. I guess it's because so many people have left in the middle of his conversation.
Morty Seinfeld: And it's always about Jeffrey, right?
Jerry: Yeah, he talks about him like he split the atom. The kid works for the Parks Department.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: You drew up plans for this?
Kramer: No, no. It's all in my head.
Morty Seinfeld: I don't know how you're going to be comfortable like that.
Kramer: Oh, I'll be comfortable.
Jerry: When do you intend to do this?
Kramer: Oh... Should be done by the end of the month.
Jerry: You're doing this yourself?
Kramer: It's a simple job. Why, you don't think I can?
Jerry: Oh, no. It's not that I don't think you can. I know that you can't, and I'm positive that you won't.
Kramer: Well, I got the tools. I got the pillows. All I need is the lumber.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: I didn't know she had a pony. How was I to know she had a pony? Who figures an immigrant's going to have a pony? Do you know what the odds are on that? I mean, in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats coming into New York harbor, I never saw one of them sitting on a pony. Why would anybody come here if they had a pony? Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country? It doesn't make sense! Am I wrong?

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: So, when do I get my dinner?
Kramer: There's no dinner. The bet's off. I'm not gonna do it.
Jerry: Yes, I know you're not gonna do it. That's why I bet.
Kramer: There's not bet if I'm not doing it.
Jerry: That's the bet! That you're not doing it!
Kramer: Yeah, well, I could do it. I don't want to do it.
Jerry: We didn't bet on if you wanted to do it. We bet on if it would be done.
Kramer: And it could be done.
Jerry: Well, of course it could be done! Anything could be done! But it only is done if it's done. Show me the levels! The bet is the levels.
Kramer: But I don't want the levels!
Jerry: That's the bet!

Quote from Morty Seinfeld

Helen Seinfeld: She just had a check-up. The doctor said she was fine. Unless...
Jerry: What?
Helen Seinfeld: What? Nothing.
Jerry: You don't think...? What? The pony remark?
Helen Seinfeld: Oh, don't be ridiculous. She was an old woman.
Jerry: You don't think that I killed her?
Morty Seinfeld: You know what the flight back'll cost us?
Jerry: It was just an innocent comment! I didn't know she had a pony!
Morty Seinfeld: Maybe we can get an Army transport flight. They got a base in Sarasota, I think.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: I know, and then you say to yourself, "From this moment on, I'm not going to waste any more of it." But then you go, "How? What can I do that's not wasting it?"
Elaine: Well, is this a waste of time? What should we be doing? Can't you have coffee with people?

Quote from George

George: Who's going to play left field?
Jerry: Bender.
George: Bender? He can't play left. He stinks. I just don't see what purpose is it going to serve your going? I mean, you think dead people care who's at the funeral? They don't even know they're having a funeral. It's not like she's hanging out in the back going, "I can't believe Jerry didn't show up."
Elaine: Maybe she's there in spirit. How about that?
George: If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think she's going to want to hang out at Drexler's funeral home on Ocean Parkway?
Elaine: George, I met this woman! She is not traveling to any other dimensions.
George: Do you know how easy it is for dead people to travel? It's not like getting on a bus. One second. It's all mental.

Quote from Morty Seinfeld

Man: I'm not a doctor yet, Uncle Morty. I'm just an intern. I can't write a note to an airline.
Morty Seinfeld: You've got your degree. They don't care. They just want to see something.

Quote from Uncle Leo

Uncle Leo: Jerry, you wanna hear something? Your cousin, Jeffrey, is switching parks. They're transferring him to Riverside, so he'll completely revamp that operation, you understand? He'll do in Riverside what he did in Central Park. It's more money. So... that's your cousin.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: What is the pony? What is the point of the pony? Why do we have these animals, these ponies? What do we do with them? Besides the pony ride. Why ponies? What are we doing with them? I mean, police don't use them for, you know, crowd control. "Hey, uh, you wanna get back behind the barricades. Hey! Hey, little boy. Yeah, I'm talking to you. Behind the barricades!" So somebody, I assume, genetically engineered these ponies. Do you think they could make them any size? I mean, could they make them like the size of a quarter, if they wanted? That would be fun for Monopoly, though, wouldn't it? Just have a little pony and you put him on the, "Baltic, that's two down, go ahead. Hold it. Right there, Baltic. yeah, that's it. Fine. Right there, hold it right there."


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