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‘The Alternate Side’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Alternate Side

311. The Alternate Side

Aired December 4, 1991

After Jerry's car is stolen, George gets a job moving parked cars from one side of the street to the other. Meanwhile, Elaine starts dating an older man, and Kramer gets a part in a movie.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: What happened here?
Elaine: I don't know. I don't know. What should we do? We called an ambulance. Does anyone know first aid?
Jerry: Shouldn't you do something with the extremities?
Elaine: What extremities?
Kramer: What's an extremity?
Jerry: Well, you raise the feet, get blood to the head.
Kramer: No, you raise the head, you get blood to the feet!

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Quote from Jerry

Rental Car Agent: I'm sorry, we have no mid-size available at the moment.
Jerry: I don't understand. I made a reservation. Do you have my reservation?
Rental Car Agent: Yes, we do. Unfortunately, we ran out of cars.
Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.
Rental Car Agent: I know why we have reservations.
Jerry: I don't think you do. If you did, I'd have a car. See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.

Quote from Kramer

George: You got a line in the Woody Allen movie?
Kramer: Pretty good, huh?
George: You're in the movie? Is he in the scene?
Kramer: Oh, yeah, yeah, it's me and him. I might have a whole new career on my hands, huh?
Jerry: You mean a career.
Elaine: So was Mia Farrow there?
Kramer: Uh, I didn't see him.

Quote from Jerry

Sid: Jerry, you got insurance, right?
Jerry: Yeah, but no car. I'll have to rent one.
Sid: Well, I'm going down to visit my sister in Virginia next Wednesday, for a week, so I can't park it.
Jerry: This Wednesday?
Sid: No, next Wednesday. Week after this Wednesday.
Jerry: But the Wednesday two days from now is the next Wednesday.
Sid: If I meant this Wednesday, I would have said this Wednesday. It's the week after this Wednesday.

Quote from Kramer

Elaine: What's your line?
Kramer: Oh, well, uh... Okay, I'm there with, uh, Woody, you know, I'm at this bar and, uh, I'm sit- You know it's Woody Allen, did I mention that?
Elaine: Yeah.
George: Yeah, we got it. We got it.
Kramer: And I'm sitting there with Woody and I say, I turn to him and I go, "Boy, these pretzels are making me thirsty."

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: What do you think first aid was like though, like hundreds of years ago? You know, I mean they had no medicine, no drugs, no technology, no equipment. Basically, they were there first. That was it, that was the whole first aid. They sit with you. That's all they could do. "Can you help me?" "No. No, we can't help you, we were the first ones here, I don't know if you know that. Did you see out truck? First aid, that's our motto. We show up before anybody."

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I think the best part of a relationship is when you're sick. And the best part of being sick is when you're in a relationship. And if I was to get married, you know all those vows: for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, all I need is the sickness. That, to me, is the most important one. Do you take this man in sickness? That's the only time I need somebody there. Rest of the time, go out, have a ball, do whatever you want, but if I get the sniffles, you better be there.

Quote from Jerry

Rental Car Agent: Sir, the estimate on the damage to your car is two thousand eight hundred and sixty-six dollars.
Jerry: Hmm, well, I got the insurance and everything so...
Rental Car Agent: Yes, now, uh, in your report you said that you were not the driver of the car at the time of the accident.
Jerry: That is right, somebody else was driving.
Rental Car Agent: All right, well, sir, you're only covered for when you're driving the car.
Jerry: What's that?
Rental Car Agent: You're not covered for other drivers.
Jerry: Other drivers?
Rental Car Agent: Um-hmm.
Jerry: Your whole business is based on other drivers. It's a rented car. That's who's driving it, other drivers. Doesn't my credit card cover me or something?
Rental Car Agent: Not that particular one.
Jerry: Well, I got a hundred cards, here, pick a card, take a card, any card you want, go ahead, whichever one, I don't care.
Rental Car Agent: Sir, if you had read the rental agreement--
Jerry: Did you see the size of that document? It's like the Declaration of Independence, who's gonna read that?
Rental Car Agent: Mr. Seinfeld, as it stands right now, you are not covered for that damage and there is absolutely nothing that can be done about that.
Jerry: These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: It seems to me the way they design the car alarm is so that the car will behave as if it was a nervous, hysterical person. Anyone goes near it, anyone disturbs it, it's... aah! Lights flashing on and off, acting all crazy. Not everybody wants to draw that much attention to themselves, wouldn't it be nice if you could have a car alarm that was a little more subtle? You know, somebody tries to break in, it goes, "Ahem. Ahem. Excuse me?" I would like a car alarm like that.

Quote from Jerry

George: Wait a minute. Call the car phone, see what happens.
Jerry: Are you serious?
George: Yeah, go ahead, call.
Jerry: I don't even know if I remember the number. [dials] What do I say if he picks up?
Man: [answers phone] Hello?
Jerry: Hello? Is this 555-8383?
Man: I have no idea.
Jerry: Can I ask you a question?
Man: Sure.
Jerry: Did you steal my car?
Man: Yes, I did.
Jerry: You did?!
Man: I did.
Jerry: Well, that's my car!
Man: I didn't know it was yours.
Jerry: What are you gonna do with it?
Man: I dunno, drive around.
Jerry: Then can I have it back?
Man: Mmmm, nah, I'm gonna keep it.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: You left the keys in the car?
Sid: Well, you know they're making that Woody Allen movie in the block, and all those people and trucks everywhere, when I saw him I must have got a little distracted.
Kramer: You know I'm in that movie?
George: You are?
Kramer: Yeah, I'm an extra.
George: How'd you get that?
Kramer: Well, I was just watching them film yesterday and some guy just asked me.
George: Right out of the clear blue sky?
Kramer: Clear blue sky!
George: Well, why didn't they ask me?
Kramer: I got a quality.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Sixty-six years old?
Elaine: Yeah, well, he's in perfect health. He works out, he's vibrant. You'd really like him.
Jerry: Why do people always say that? I hate everyone. Why would I like him?

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Uh, here we go. The supervisor. You know what she's saying over there?
Elaine: What?
Jerry: Hey Marge, you see those two people over there? They think I'm talkingto you, so you pretend like you're talking to me, okay now you start talking.
Elaine: Oh, you mean like this? So it looks like I'm saying something but I'm not really saying anything at all?
Jerry: Okay. Now you say something else and they won't yell at me 'cause they thought I was checking with you.
Elaine: Okay, that's it. I think that's enough, see you later.
Rental Car Agent: [returns] I'm sorry, my supervisor says there's nothing we can do.
Jerry: Yeah, it looked as if you were in a real conversation over there.

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: I just don't enjoy being with him.
Jerry: Well, that's what's important.
Elaine: I'm meeting him for lunch at Chadway's around the corner. Do I have to break up with him face-to-face or can I just wait and do it over the phone?
Jerry: Well, how many times you been out with him?
Elaine: Seven?
Jerry: Face-to-face.
Elaine: Seven dates is a face-to-face break up?
Jerry: If it was six I could have let you go, but seven, I'm afraid, is over the limit. Unless, of course, there was no sex.
Elaine: Hmm... How's the pasta over there?

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hey, you know they were supposed to do my scene today?
Elaine: Today?!
Kramer: You know, they told me that they wanted me to walk down the block carrying this bag of groceries.
Elaine: Yeah.
Kramer: So I start to walk, and I trip, and the grocery bag goes flying, and Woody... Woody starts laughing.
Elaine: He was laughing?!
Kramer: Oh yeah, he was drinking something, it started to come out of his nose.
Jerry: So then what?
Kramer: Well, I got a line in the movie!

Quote from George

George: Is that how you're gonna say it?
Kramer: No, no, I'm working on it.
Elaine: Do it like this. "These pretzels are making me thirsty."
Jerry: No. "These pretzels are making me thirsty."
Kramer: No, no. See, that's no good. See, you don't know how to act.
George: [anxious] "These pretzels are making me thirsty!!" [Jerry pinches his nose] Oh, that was no good?
Kramer: I didn't say anything.
Elaine: I'm gonna go break up with Owen.
George: What was wrong with that? I had a different interpretation! Do you know anything about this pretzel guy?! Maybe he's been in the bar a really long time and he's really depressed because he has no job and no woman and he's parking cars for a living! [out the window to the honking cars] All right! All right! Shut up! Shut up! I hear you! I'm coming down! These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: We were walking down the block right by your house and I was just about to break up with him then all of a sudden he started to twitch.
Jerry: [on the phone] Hello? Yes, I need an ambulance at one twenty nine west Eighty-first Street, apartment five-A.
Elaine: Tell them to hurry! Hurry!
Jerry: It's an ambulance.

Quote from Kramer

Elaine: Okay, what about a cold compress? They always do that.
Jerry: I don't have a washcloth.
Elaine: Well, use a paper towel.
Jerry: You can't put a paper towel on his head.
Kramer: What about a big sponge?
Jerry: How you gonna hold it on there?
Kramer: Use a belt.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Should we walk him around?
Elaine & Kramer: Yes, yes.
Kramer: Yeah, I've seen them do that.
Jerry: No, no that's for a drug overdose.
Kramer: Well, maybe that's what he's got.
Elaine: No, no, no, no. Kramer, I just had lunch with him, he didn't leave the table.
Kramer: Well, he could have dropped acid when you weren't looking.
Elaine: He is not a drug addict!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Hey, you know what? Maybe he's a diabetic, he might just need a cookie or something.
Elaine: A cookie!
Kramer: Can you give him a cookie?
Elaine: How's he gonna chew it?
Jerry: We'll move his teeth. It happened to my uncle. The sugar revived him.

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: Careful, you're getting crumbs all over him.
Kramer: I got him chewing but I don't think he's gonna swallow.
Elaine: You know what, let's put a few cookies in a blender and he could drink it.
Jerry: Cookies don't liquefy.
Elaine: Yes, they do. You can liquefy a cookie.
Kramer: All right, I'll get a blender.
Jerry: What blender? I don't have a blender.
Kramer: You got a blender.
Jerry: I would know if I had a blender.
Elaine: Where is the ambulance?!
[A siren is heard nearing the building, before a crashing sound]

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: He seems to be breathing.
Jerry: You know, I gotta tell you, he's a pretty good-looking guy.
Elaine: I know.
Jerry: Those eyebrows could use a trimming, you ever mention that to him?
Elaine: Almost.
Jerry: Hey, look at this, come on, they're running wild there.
Elaine: It's not an easy thing to bring up.
Jerry: Yeah, that's true.
Elaine: Aw, you should see his bathrobe, man. It's all silk.
Jerry: Yeah? Does he wear slippers? I bet he wears slippers.
Elaine: He does, how'd you know that?
Jerry: I could tell.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: So how'd you hit the car?
George: I was moving it across the street, I looked up and I saw Woody Allen and I got all distracted.
Jerry: It's not even my car. It's a rental.
Kramer: [enters] What are you doing out there?! You're holding up the production of the movie! We can't shoot and Woody, he's really mad at you.
George: Woody mentioned me? What did he say?
Kramer: He said, "Who's the moron in the blue jacket who's got the street all screwed up?"
George: Should I apologize to Woody?
Kramer: All right, I'll tell you what. Next time I talk to him, maybe I'll bring it up. [puts on sung lases] I'll feel him out.

Quote from George

Sid: Now you didn't tell me you didn't know how to drive. You should have mentioned that.
George: Well, I know how to drive.
Sid: Then how'd all those cars get damaged? Why are people calling me up screaming on the phone? Most of them cancelled out on me.
Jerry: Can I get anybody anything?
Sid: Moving cars from one side of the street to the other don't take no more sense than putting on a pair of pants. My question to you is who's putting your pants on?
George: I put my pants on, Sid.
Sid: I don't believe you. If you can put your pants on, you can move those cars.
George: Well, I don't want to get into a big dispute about the pants.
Sid: Who's gonna send money to my sister in Virginia? Her little boy needs surgery on his foot. Now, he'll be walking around with a limp because you can't park a few cars.
George: Maybe I could call my father.

Quote from Jerry

Kramer: Hey, you seen the paper yet?
Jerry: Interestingly enough, no, inasmuch as it is my paper.
Kramer: Yeah. There's an article in there about that writer.
Jerry: "Owen March, prominent author and essayist suffered a stroke yesterday in the upper West Side apartment of a friend."
Kramer: Uh-huh, that's the guy that was here. You're the friend.
Jerry: "The extent of the damage would have been far less severe had paramedics been able to reach him sooner."
Sid: Oh, Lord.
Jerry: "The commotion also delayed production of a Woody Allen movie that was shooting up the block. A spokeswoman for the legendary filmmaker said that Mr. Allen was extremely agitated and wondered if his days of shooting movies in New York were over."

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: What are you doing here?
Kramer: I got fired from the movie.
George: Get out of here, why?
Kramer: Well, you know they were gonna shoot it today, and uh, we rehearsed it twice, then Woody yells "Action!" and I turn to him and I say...
All: "These pretzels are making me thirsty".
Kramer: And I took a swig of beer, you know, and I slammed the glass down on the bar and it shattered.
Elaine: Aw.
Kramer: Well, one of the pieces must have hit Woody. He started crying. And he yells out, "I'm bleeding" and he runs off. Anyway, this woman, she came up to me and she says, "You're fired." Boy, I really nailed that scene.
[Kramer throws a pair of driving gloves down on the table.]
Jerry: Aw, wait a-- Oh. Oh, for crying out loud.


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