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‘The Alternate Side’ Quotes Page 1 of 5    

Seinfeld: The Alternate Side

311. The Alternate Side

Aired December 4, 1991

After Jerry's car is stolen, George gets a job moving parked cars from one side of the street to the other. Meanwhile, Elaine starts dating an older man, and Kramer gets a part in a movie.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: What happened here?
Elaine: I don't know. I don't know. What should we do? We called an ambulance. Does anyone know first aid?
Jerry: Shouldn't you do something with the extremities?
Elaine: What extremities?
Kramer: What's an extremity?
Jerry: Well, you raise the feet, get blood to the head.
Kramer: No, you raise the head, you get blood to the feet!

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Quote from Jerry

Rental Car Agent: I'm sorry, we have no mid-size available at the moment.
Jerry: I don't understand. I made a reservation. Do you have my reservation?
Rental Car Agent: Yes, we do. Unfortunately, we ran out of cars.
Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.
Rental Car Agent: I know why we have reservations.
Jerry: I don't think you do. If you did, I'd have a car. See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.

Quote from Kramer

George: You got a line in the Woody Allen movie?
Kramer: Pretty good, huh?
George: You're in the movie? Is he in the scene?
Kramer: Oh, yeah, yeah, it's me and him. I might have a whole new career on my hands, huh?
Jerry: You mean a career.
Elaine: So was Mia Farrow there?
Kramer: Uh, I didn't see him.

Quote from Jerry

Sid: Jerry, you got insurance, right?
Jerry: Yeah, but no car. I'll have to rent one.
Sid: Well, I'm going down to visit my sister in Virginia next Wednesday, for a week, so I can't park it.
Jerry: This Wednesday?
Sid: No, next Wednesday. Week after this Wednesday.
Jerry: But the Wednesday two days from now is the next Wednesday.
Sid: If I meant this Wednesday, I would have said this Wednesday. It's the week after this Wednesday.

Quote from Kramer

Elaine: What's your line?
Kramer: Oh, well, uh... Okay, I'm there with, uh, Woody, you know, I'm at this bar and, uh, I'm sit- You know it's Woody Allen, did I mention that?
Elaine: Yeah.
George: Yeah, we got it. We got it.
Kramer: And I'm sitting there with Woody and I say, I turn to him and I go, "Boy, these pretzels are making me thirsty."

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: What do you think first aid was like though, like hundreds of years ago? You know, I mean they had no medicine, no drugs, no technology, no equipment. Basically, they were there first. That was it, that was the whole first aid. They sit with you. That's all they could do. "Can you help me?" "No. No, we can't help you, we were the first ones here, I don't know if you know that. Did you see out truck? First aid, that's our motto. We show up before anybody."

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I think the best part of a relationship is when you're sick. And the best part of being sick is when you're in a relationship. And if I was to get married, you know all those vows: for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, all I need is the sickness. That, to me, is the most important one. Do you take this man in sickness? That's the only time I need somebody there. Rest of the time, go out, have a ball, do whatever you want, but if I get the sniffles, you better be there.

Quote from Jerry

Rental Car Agent: Sir, the estimate on the damage to your car is two thousand eight hundred and sixty-six dollars.
Jerry: Hmm, well, I got the insurance and everything so...
Rental Car Agent: Yes, now, uh, in your report you said that you were not the driver of the car at the time of the accident.
Jerry: That is right, somebody else was driving.
Rental Car Agent: All right, well, sir, you're only covered for when you're driving the car.
Jerry: What's that?
Rental Car Agent: You're not covered for other drivers.
Jerry: Other drivers?
Rental Car Agent: Um-hmm.
Jerry: Your whole business is based on other drivers. It's a rented car. That's who's driving it, other drivers. Doesn't my credit card cover me or something?
Rental Car Agent: Not that particular one.
Jerry: Well, I got a hundred cards, here, pick a card, take a card, any card you want, go ahead, whichever one, I don't care.
Rental Car Agent: Sir, if you had read the rental agreement--
Jerry: Did you see the size of that document? It's like the Declaration of Independence, who's gonna read that?
Rental Car Agent: Mr. Seinfeld, as it stands right now, you are not covered for that damage and there is absolutely nothing that can be done about that.
Jerry: These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: It seems to me the way they design the car alarm is so that the car will behave as if it was a nervous, hysterical person. Anyone goes near it, anyone disturbs it, it's... aah! Lights flashing on and off, acting all crazy. Not everybody wants to draw that much attention to themselves, wouldn't it be nice if you could have a car alarm that was a little more subtle? You know, somebody tries to break in, it goes, "Ahem. Ahem. Excuse me?" I would like a car alarm like that.

Quote from Jerry

George: Wait a minute. Call the car phone, see what happens.
Jerry: Are you serious?
George: Yeah, go ahead, call.
Jerry: I don't even know if I remember the number. [dials] What do I say if he picks up?
Man: [answers phone] Hello?
Jerry: Hello? Is this 555-8383?
Man: I have no idea.
Jerry: Can I ask you a question?
Man: Sure.
Jerry: Did you steal my car?
Man: Yes, I did.
Jerry: You did?!
Man: I did.
Jerry: Well, that's my car!
Man: I didn't know it was yours.
Jerry: What are you gonna do with it?
Man: I dunno, drive around.
Jerry: Then can I have it back?
Man: Mmmm, nah, I'm gonna keep it.

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