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‘The Checks’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Checks

807. The Checks

Aired November 7, 1996

After Jerry achieves a sudden fame in Japan, George tries to sell the failed pilot to the Japanese. Meanwhile, Elaine's boyfriend is moved by a song, and Kramer plays host to some tourists.

Quote from George

Jerry: It's the twirling that dazzles the eye.
George: I find it disorienting. Who buys an umbrella anyway? You get them for free in the coffee shop in the metal cans.
Jerry: Those belong to people.

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Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Oh, by the way, tell Brett that his chest of drawers are a big hit. My guests are very comfortable in them.
Elaine: In them?!
Jerry: You have them sleeping in drawers?!
Kramer: Jerry, have you ever seen the business hotels in Tokyo? They sleep in tiny stacked cubicles all the time. They feel right at home.
Jerry: This has international incident written all over it.
Kramer: Oh yeah, yeah.

Quote from George

Jerry: No spiel?
George: Not a peep. They just cleaned the carpets and left. They call themselves a cult!
Jerry: So you're angry that this bizarre carpet cabal made no attempt to abduct you?
George: They could've at least tried!
Jerry: You know, maybe they thought you looked too smart to be brainwashed?
George: Please.
Jerry: Too dumb?

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Ah, I think I'm on the outs with Brett. I got shushed during Desperado.
Jerry: What does he listen to? The all Desperado station?
Elaine: He is just in his own world when he hears that song. It's like, I'm sitting there in the car, and he's out riding fences.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Hey, have you seen all these new commercials for indigestion drugs? Pepcid AC, Tagamat HB.
Elaine: Ugh, the whole country's sick to their stomach.
Jerry: Now, you know you're supposed to take these things before you get sick?
Elaine: What is this, a bit?
Jerry: No.
Elaine: Because I'm not in the mood.
Jerry: We're just talking. Is this not the greatest marketing ploy ever? If you feel good, you're supposed to take one!
Elaine: Yeah, I know that tone. This is a bit.
Jerry: They've opened up a whole new market. Medication for the well.
Elaine: All right, are you done with your little amusement?
Jerry: Then you admit it was amusing?
Elaine: It was okay, but move the "medication for the well" to the front, and hit the word "good" harder.
Jerry: Great. Thanks.

Quote from George

Kramer: Hey, Jerry, you need any new furniture?
Jerry: Why?
Kramer: Yeah, well, Elaine's new boyfriend, you know. He's giving me this oversize chest of drawers. It's a Farbman.
George: He's giving you furniture? Who is this guy?
Jerry: Ah, who are any of her losers?
George: You're on that list.

Quote from George

George: All right, I gotta go home and open up with the house for the carpet cleaners. You know, they're doing my whole place for $25?
Kramer: Oh, no, no, no. Not the Sunshine Carpet Cleaners?
George: Yeah, you heard of them?
Kramer: They're a crazy religious cult. The carpet cleaning is just a means for them to get into your apartment.
George: So? For a twenty-five dollar cleaning, I can listen to some pointless blather.
Jerry: I do it. I'm not even getting the cleaning.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Well, Mack is back in town. Nice duds.
Kramer: Konichi-wa. Yeah, it's a gift from my Japanese friends. They're known as gift-givers. And tonight we're going dancing at the Rainbow Room.
Jerry: Sounds like you're throwing a lot of their money around.
Kramer: Well, Jerry, they're Japanese. I mean, that TV you watch, that sushi you eat, I mean, even that kimono you wear. Where to you think all that money goes, hmm? That's right.

Quote from George

Kramer: Well, they recognized Jerry from the Super Terrific Happy Hour. See now, you should be doing your own show in Japan. Now, they get you.
Jerry: What kind of show am I gonna do in Japan?
Kramer: All right, what did you do with that pilot you did.
George: Yeah, the pilot!
Kramer: That's right, I think that had marvelous production values.
George: And, you know, I do a lot of business with Japanese TV. They broadcast a lot of American baseball. They got an office here in New York.
Jerry: Forget it. The pilot was awful. It failed.
George: It failed here! Because, here, every time you turn on a TV, all you see is four morons sitting round an apartment, whining about their dates!
Kramer: George is right, Jerry. See, here, you're just another apple, but in Japan, you're an exotic fruit. Like an orange. Which is rare there.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: What is this?
Kramer: Rice Krispies. East meets West, Jerry.
Jerry: Ah. It's a lovely little bureau-and-breakfast you're running. Well, I'm off to the bank.
Kramer: Sayonara.
Jerry: Konichi-wa.

Quote from George

Wilhelm: Uh, George, uh, did you call some carpet cleaners?
George: Are they here?
Wilhelm: They're in my office, right now.
George: They haven't said anything to you, have they?
Wilhelm: About what?
George: What kind of a snobby, stuck-up, cult is this?!

Quote from George

George: Excuse me. Did you hire the Sunshine Carpet Cleaners?
Male Executive: Yes. Cleaned up the coffee stain, left by Jerry Seinfield.
George: Mr Wilhelm? What- What are you doing here?
Wilhelm: I'm here to clean the carpets. Most of the world is carpeted. And, one day, we will do the cleaning.
George: [to the leader] Him you brainwashed?!! What's he got that I don't have?! Mr Wilhelm, listen. You've been abducted! Please, Mr. Wilhelm, you gotta listen to me!
Wilhelm: Wilhelm? My name is Tanya.
Male Executive: [Japanese: "With these two idiots I don't know how the Yankees won the World Series."]


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