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‘The Smelly Car’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Smelly Car

421. The Smelly Car

Aired April 15, 1993

Jerry and Elaine are haunted by the body odor of the restaurant valet who parked his car. Meanwhile, George is stunned when he runs into Susan and her new partner.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Whenever you ask for a doggy bag in a restaurant, there's a certain sense of failure there, isn't there? People always whisper it to the waiter, don't they? [quietly] "Uh, excuse me. I'm sorry, you're gonna have to give me the doggy bag. I couldn't make it." And it is embarrassing, because a doggie bag means either you are out at a restaurant when you aren't hungry, or you've chosen the stupidest possible way to get dog food that there is. How about the doggie bag on a date? That's a good move for a guy, huh? Let me tell you something: if you're a guy and you ask for the doggie bag on a date, you might as well have them just wrap up your genitals too. You're not going to be needing those for awhile, either.

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Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Boy, do you smell something?
Elaine: Do I smell something? What am I, hard of smelling? Of course I smell something.
Jerry: What is it?
Elaine: I think it's B.O.!
Jerry: What?
Elaine: It's B.O. The valet must have had B.O.
Jerry: It can't be. Nobody has B.O. like this.
Elaine: Jerry. It's B.O.
Jerry: But the whole car smells.
Elaine: So?
Jerry: So when somebody has B.O., the "O" usually stays with the "B". Once the "B" leaves, the "O" goes with it.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: It still smells!
George: How could it still smell after all that?
Jerry: I don't know!
George: Well, what are you gonna do?
Jerry: I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm selling that car!
George: You're selling the car!?
Jerry: You don't understand what I'm up against. This is a force more powerful than anything you can imagine. Even Superman would be helpless against this kind of stench. And I'll take anything I can get for it.
George: Maybe I'll buy it.
Jerry: Are you crazy? Don't you understand what I'm saying to you? This is not just an odor. You need a priest to get rid of this thing!
Elaine: [enters] I still smell!
Jerry: You see! You see what I'm saying to you? It's a presence! It's the beast!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: So, this morning I go down to the garage to check the car out. I figure by this time, the odor molecules have had at least twelve hours to "de-smellify". I open the car door, like a punch in the face, the stench hits me. It's almost as if it had gained strength throughout the night.
Elaine: You know, I can think of at least six known offensive odors that I would rather smell than what's living in your car.
Jerry: What about skunk?
Elaine: I don't mind skunk.
Jerry: Horse manure?
Elaine: I love horse manure.
Jerry: Well, I've never seen anything like this in my life. In fact, I went to the car wash, they want 250 dollars to detail it, and get the smell out. I'm not paying for that. That's not my responsibility. In fact, I'm driving up to that restaurant now, and demand they pay for it.

Quote from Jerry

Car Washer: We can give it the full executive treatment. That includes complete deionization of the entire vehicle. We spray everything with Ozium-D, let it deionize, vacuum the spray out with a deionizing machine. Hit it with high-pressure compressed air, and wet-dry vac it to extract the remaining liquids. We top it off with one of our seven air-fresheners. In your case, I would recommend the jasmine or the potpourri.
Jerry: Let's do it.

Quote from Elaine

Hairdresser: The first thing we're gonna do is flush the follicles with the five essential oils. Then, we put you under a vapor machine, and then a heated cap. Then, we shampoo and shampoo and condition and condition. Then, we saturate the hair in diluted vinegar. Two parts vinegar, 10 parts water. Now, if that doesn't work, we have one last resort. Tomato sauce.
Elaine: Tomato Sauce?

Quote from George

Susan Ross: [o.s.] Kramer! Kramer! Kramer, open up, I know you're in there!
Jerry: Susan!
Susan Ross: Kramer!
Jerry: What is going on?
Susan Ross: You know what's going on? First, he vomits on me. Then, he burns down my father's cabin. And now, he's taken Mona away from me.
George: He stole your girlfriend?
Susan Ross: Yes. She's in love with him.
George: Amazing. I drive them to lesbianism, he brings 'em back.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: What is going on? What did you do?
Kramer: I don't know, I didn't do anything. I was in the video store, and I was practicing my golf swing, you know. You know, with a broom, and... Yeah. But she saw me take a swing, and she told me... that the club is going back too fast. Well, we started talking. She's a golf teacher. So I went to a lesson, and, you know... something happened between us. She's a golf teacher. I've struck gold! I've already taken six strokes off my game.
Jerry: That's the least of what you've accomplished.
Kramer: I'm gonna have dinner with her. Can I borrow your jacket?
Jerry: Oh, sure. Yeah.
Elaine: Wait a minute. Kramer, Kramer. Hold on a second, I don't get this. This woman has never been with a man her entire life.
Kramer: I'm Kramer.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Why do we need B.O.? What is the function of it? Everything in nature has a reason, has a purpose, except B.O. Doesn't make any sense. Do something good: hard work, exercise; smell very bad. This is the way the human being is designed. You move, you stink. Why can't our bodies help us? Why can't sweat smell good? It'd be a different world, wouldn't it? Instead of putting your laundry in the hamper, you put it in a vase. You go down to the drugstore and pick up some odorant and perspirant. You probably have a dirty sweat sock hanging from the rear-view mirror of your car. And then on a really special night, maybe a little underwear coming out of your breast pocket. Just to let her know she's important.

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: [mockingly] "Please hurry". Look at you. Look at what you've become.
Elaine: What? What have I become? I haven't become anything.
Jerry: Oh, Carl can't wait a few more minutes?
Elaine: I don't want to keep him waiting.
Jerry: He'll like you more.
Elaine: That's impossible.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: I can't believe you ski!
Carl: I'm a great skier.
Elaine: Yeah? What else?
Carl: Let's see. I ski, I fish, I pillage, I plunder...
Elaine: [delightedly] Oh! You "pillage and plunder"?
Carl: When I travel.
Elaine: See? Finally, finally I get to meet a man who pillages and plunders! I'm so lucky.
[As they kiss, Carl gets a sniff of something less-than-appealing on Elaine]

Quote from George

George: [inner monologue] Hey, what do you know? Look at that! A lesbian sighting. Oh-ho! My lucky day. They're so fascinating. Why is that? Because they don't want us. You gotta respect that. Oh, my God! It's Susan! What do I do?
Susan Ross: George?
George: [inner monologue] Argh! [out loud] Susan! Hi! Oh, boy! What are you doing here?!
Susan Ross: Renting a video! What do you got there?
George: Oh, some stupid movie.
Susan Ross: This is Mona.
George: Oh, hi... [haltingly extends an his hand for a handshake]
Mona: Pleasure to meet you.
George: Yes. Well...

Quote from George

Susan Ross: You okay?
George: Yeah. Yes! I just haven't seen you in a long time.
Susan Ross: And you didn't expect me to be holding hands with a woman.
George: Oh, please! Me? Come on! That's great! Are you kidding? I think that's fantastic! I've always encouraged experimentation! I'm the first guy in the pool! Who do you think you're talking to?
Susan Ross: I know who I'm talking to.
George: Of course you do... It's just, uh, y'know, I-I never knew, uh, that, uh...
Susan Ross: I liked women?
George: There you go. So, uh, how long has this been going on?
Susan Ross: Since you and I broke up.
George: So after me, you... went that way?
Susan: Yeah.
George: Oh, I think that's fantastic. Good for you. Nice. That's very nice.

Quote from George

Susan Ross: So, what have you got there?
George: Oh, I, uh--
Susan Ross: Oh, "Rochelle Rochelle".
George: It's a foreign movie. A film, is what it is, actually.
Susan Ross: Yeah. A lot of nudity in that, huh?
George: No, no, no. Just a tiny bit. It's not even frontal nudity. It's... side-al nudity.

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: Listen, let me ask you something. When you're with a guy, and he tells you he has to get up early, what does that mean?
Jerry: It means he's lying.
Elaine: Wow.
Jerry: Why? Is that what he told you?
Elaine: Yeah, last night. Oh, come on. Men have to get up early some times.
Jerry: No. Never.
Elaine: Jerry! I'm sure I've seen men on the street early in the morning.
Jerry: Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex.
Elaine: Is it possible I'm not as attractive as I think I am?
Jerry: Anything's possible.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: What's the matter with you?
Kramer: Steinbrenner! He's ruining my life.
Jerry: Oh yeah, Steinbrenner.
Kramer: I don't think I can take another season with him, Jerry. He'll just trade away their best young prospects, just like he did with Buhner, McGee, Drabeck... McGriff...
Jerry: I know the list.

Quote from Jerry

Kramer: What's that smell?
Jerry: What smell?
Kramer: Ooh. You stink.
Jerry: What do you mean I stink?
Kramer: You stink. Why don't you go take a shower?
Jerry: I showered! Oh, wait a second. Since I showered, I've been in the car!
Elaine: So?
Jerry: Don't you see what's happening here? It's attached itself to me! It's alive!
Elaine: If it attached itself to you... [gasps] Oh, my God! That's why Carl said he had to get up early! Because I stink! Jerry, he thinks I have B.O.! Me!

Quote from Jerry

George: What is that? B.O.?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: This is unbelievable B.O.
Jerry: I know. I was at the car wash this morning and the guy told me in his 38 years in the business, he's never smelled anything like it.

Quote from George

George: So, let me ask you. Do you think I could have done this?
Jerry: No, no. It's the valet guy.
George: No, no, I mean, driving Susan to lesbianism.
Jerry: Oh. No, that's ridiculous.
George: What if her experience with me drove her to it?
Jerry: Suicide, maybe, not lesbianism.

Quote from George

George: The woman she's "lesbianing" with? Susan told me she's never been with a guy. Oh, this isn't even B.O.! This is beyond B.O.! It's B.B.O.!
Jerry: There should be a B.O. squad that patrols the city like a Smell Gestapo. To sniff 'em out, strip 'em down, and wash 'em with a big, soapy brush.
George: You know, the funny thing is, somehow I find her more appealing now. It's like if I knew she was a lesbian when we went out, I never would've broken up with her.
Jerry: Let me see if I understand this. On second thoughts... [doesn't bother]

Quote from Jerry

Restaurateur: What do you mean, "stunk up"?
Jerry: I mean the car stinks! George, does the car stink?
George: Stinks.
Jerry: Stinks!
Restaurateur: Well, perhaps you're the one who has the odor.
Jerry: Hey, I've never smelled in my life, buddy!
Restaurateur: Really? Well, I smell you now.
Jerry: That's from the car!
Restaurateur: Well, maybe you're the one who stunk up the car, rather than the car stinking up you!
George: Oh, it's the chicken and the egg.
Jerry: Thank you very much. Well, then go out and smell the car; see which smells worse.
Restaurateur: I don't have time to smell cars.
George: Forget about smelling the car. Smell the valet. Go to the source.
Jerry: You've gotta smell the car.
Restaurateur: I'm a busy man
Jerry: Come on! One whiff!
Restaurateur: All right, one whiff.

Quote from Jerry

Restaurateur: All right, I give up! I admit it! It stinks! Now will you let me out!
Jerry: All right, will you pay for the cleaning?
Restaurateur: Yes! 50 dollars! I'll give you 50 dollars!
Jerry: 50 dollars? I don't think that's gonna cover it.
Restaurateur: Whatever you want. I'll give you whatever you want.
Jerry: I want half, 125.
Restaurateur: Yes! Yes! 125 is good. Now could you please open the door!
Jerry: All right.
Restaurateur: Let me out of here.

Quote from George

George: Oh, my God.
Jerry: What?
George: The video! Someone stole the video right out the car.
Jerry: Someone stole "Rochelle Rochelle"?
Restaurateur: Well, you left the window open.
Jerry: We had to air out the car.
George: You should pay for that.
Restaurateur: I'm not paying for that. They already got my seven dollars. [sarcastically] "...erotic journey from Milan to Minsk".

Quote from Elaine

Carl: The valet had such bad B.O.?
Elaine: Oh, man, just rampant, mutant B.O. The "O" went from the valet's "B", to the car, to me. It clings to everything. Jerry thinks it's an entity. But I showered and I shampoo'ed, so...
Carl: That's a relief. [hugs Elaine, recoils]
Elaine: What?
Carl: It's still there.
Elaine: No, no, no! It can't be! I shampoo'ed! I rinsed! I repeated! I don't smell anything. Here, take another smell.
Carl: No. No. No. Please.

Quote from George

George: Listen, I gotta ask you. I was a little concerned that perhaps I was responsible in some way for your, uh... metamorphosis.
Clerk: That'll be $98.00.
George: What $98.00?
Clerk: That's what I said. $98.00.
George: How could that piece of crap cost $98.00!?
Susan Ross: George, I really have to-
George: Do you believe this? $98?! Do you have any cash?
Susan Ross: I guess.
George: I need, like, $35. Thanks.
George: So, was it me?
Susan Ross: Oh, don't be ridiculous! Is that what you wanted to talk to me about? [gives him $35] Here.
George: Oh, thanks. Thanks a lot. I'll pay you back.
Susan Ross: Yeah, sure. I gotta go.

Quote from George

George: Listen. Let me ask you something. If you and Mona were ever to... dance, how do you decide who leads? I mean, do you take turns? Do you discuss it beforehand? How does that work?
Susan Ross: You're an idiot.
George: Why? That's a legitimate sociological question.
Susan Ross: I'll see you. Oh, and George, by the way, you stink. You need a bath.
George: It's not me. It's the car!

Quote from George

George: I know what you're going through. Women. Who knows what they want?
Susan Ross: Well, I just don't know what she sees in Kramer.
George: Listen, you're beautiful. You're intelligent. You'll meet other girls.
Susan Ross: You think so?
George: Yes, I know so. You happen to be a very eligible lesbian.
Susan Ross: You're very sweet.
George: Hey, I know what I'm talking about. I gotta be honest with you, I gotta tell you... Ever since I saw you holding hands with that woman, I can't get you out of my mind.
Susan Ross: Really?
George: Yeah, you're just so... hip.

Quote from Susan Ross

George: Oh, my God.
Susan Ross: What?
George: It's Allison. I dated her right after you. She's obsessed with me.
Allison: George?
George: Allison! Hi! Oh, my God! How are you?
Allison: Good. You know, you owe me $50.
George: Fifty dollars. Right, right. I don't have it on me. Allison, this is Susan. Susan, Allison.
Allison: Nice to meet you.
Susan Ross: Nice to meet you.
Allison: That's a beautiful vest.
Susan Ross: Thank you.

Quote from Jerry

Kramer: I don't understand it. I was with her last night in my apartment; it was very romantic. You know, with that fake wood wallpaper, the atmosphere is fabulous in there, now. It's like a ski lodge.
Salesman: What year did you say this was?
Jerry: '90.
Kramer: Anyway, we were on the couch, I move to hug her, next thing she tells me she's leaving; she's got to get up early.
Jerry: That's strange.
Salesman: How many miles you got on this thing?
Jerry: 23,000.
Kramer: And I was looking good, too. I had a nice, new shirt on, I'm wearing your jacket.
Jerry: Wait a second. My jacket! I wore that in the car! The Beast!
Salesman: [wretches, gets out of the car] I can't sell this car.
Jerry: This... thing... has got to be stopped!


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