[stand-up:]
Jerry: Whenever you ask for a doggy bag in a restaurant, there's a certain sense of failure there, isn't there? People always whisper it to the waiter, don't they? [quietly] "Uh, excuse me. I'm sorry, you're gonna have to give me the doggy bag. I couldn't make it." And it is embarrassing, because a doggie bag means either you are out at a restaurant when you aren't hungry, or you've chosen the stupidest possible way to get dog food that there is. How about the doggie bag on a date? That's a good move for a guy, huh? Let me tell you something: if you're a guy and you ask for the doggie bag on a date, you might as well have them just wrap up your genitals too. You're not going to be needing those for awhile, either.

Jerry: Boy, do you smell something?
Elaine: Do I smell something? What am I, hard of smelling? Of course I smell something.
Jerry: What is it?
Elaine: I think it's B.O.!
Jerry: What?
Elaine: It's B.O. The valet must have had B.O.
Jerry: It can't be. Nobody has B.O. like this.
Elaine: Jerry. It's B.O.
Jerry: But the whole car smells.
Elaine: So?
Jerry: So when somebody has B.O., the "O" usually stays with the "B". Once the "B" leaves, the "O" goes with it.

Jerry: It still smells!
George: How could it still smell after all that?
Jerry: I don't know!
George: Well, what are you gonna do?
Jerry: I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm selling that car!
George: You're selling the car!?
Jerry: You don't understand what I'm up against. This is a force more powerful than anything you can imagine. Even Superman would be helpless against this kind of stench. And I'll take anything I can get for it.
George: Maybe I'll buy it.
Jerry: Are you crazy? Don't you understand what I'm saying to you? This is not just an odor. You need a priest to get rid of this thing!
Elaine: [enters] I still smell!
Jerry: You see! You see what I'm saying to you? It's a presence! It's the beast!

Jerry: So, this morning I go down to the garage to check the car out. I figure by this time, the odor molecules have had at least twelve hours to "de-smellify". I open the car door, like a punch in the face, the stench hits me. It's almost as if it had gained strength throughout the night.
Elaine: You know, I can think of at least six known offensive odors that I would rather smell than what's living in your car.
Jerry: What about skunk?
Elaine: I don't mind skunk.
Jerry: Horse manure?
Elaine: I love horse manure.
Jerry: Well, I've never seen anything like this in my life. In fact, I went to the car wash, they want 250 dollars to detail it, and get the smell out. I'm not paying for that. That's not my responsibility. In fact, I'm driving up to that restaurant now, and demand they pay for it.

Hairdresser: The first thing we're gonna do is flush the follicles with the five essential oils. Then, we put you under a vapor machine, and then a heated cap. Then, we shampoo and shampoo and condition and condition. Then, we saturate the hair in diluted vinegar. Two parts vinegar, 10 parts water. Now, if that doesn't work, we have one last resort. Tomato sauce.
Elaine: Tomato Sauce?

Susan Ross: [o.s.] Kramer! Kramer! Kramer, open up, I know you're in there!
Jerry: Susan!
Susan Ross: Kramer!
Jerry: What is going on?
Susan Ross: You know what's going on? First, he vomits on me. Then, he burns down my father's cabin. And now, he's taken Mona away from me.
George: He stole your girlfriend?
Susan Ross: Yes. She's in love with him.
George: Amazing. I drive them to lesbianism, he brings 'em back.

Jerry: What is going on? What did you do?
Kramer: I don't know, I didn't do anything. I was in the video store, and I was practicing my golf swing, you know. You know, with a broom, and... Yeah. But she saw me take a swing, and she told me... that the club is going back too fast. Well, we started talking. She's a golf teacher. So I went to a lesson, and, you know... something happened between us. She's a golf teacher. I've struck gold! I've already taken six strokes off my game.
Jerry: That's the least of what you've accomplished.
Kramer: I'm gonna have dinner with her. Can I borrow your jacket?
Jerry: Oh, sure. Yeah.
Elaine: Wait a minute. Kramer, Kramer. Hold on a second, I don't get this. This woman has never been with a man her entire life.
Kramer: I'm Kramer.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Why do we need B.O.? What is the function of it? Everything in nature has a reason, has a purpose, except B.O. Doesn't make any sense. Do something good: hard work, exercise; smell very bad. This is the way the human being is designed. You move, you stink. Why can't our bodies help us? Why can't sweat smell good? It'd be a different world, wouldn't it? Instead of putting your laundry in the hamper, you put it in a vase. You go down to the drugstore and pick up some odorant and perspirant. You probably have a dirty sweat sock hanging from the rear-view mirror of your car. And then on a really special night, maybe a little underwear coming out of your breast pocket. Just to let her know she's important.

Car Washer: We can give it the full executive treatment. That includes complete deionization of the entire vehicle. We spray everything with Ozium-D, let it deionize, vacuum the spray out with a deionizing machine. Hit it with high-pressure compressed air, and wet-dry vac it to extract the remaining liquids. We top it off with one of our seven air-fresheners. In your case, I would recommend the jasmine or the potpourri.
Jerry: Let's do it.

Jerry: [mockingly] "Please hurry". Look at you. Look at what you've become.
Elaine: What? What have I become? I haven't become anything.
Jerry: Oh, Carl can't wait a few more minutes?
Elaine: I don't want to keep him waiting.
Jerry: He'll like you more.
Elaine: That's impossible.