[stand-up:]
Jerry: Have you noticed that everything on planes is always tiny? There's always tiny food, tiny liquor bottles, tiny pillows, tiny bathroom, tiny sink, tiny soap. Everyone's in a cramped seat, working on a tiny computer. There's always a small problem "There'll be a slight delay. We'll be a bit late. If you could be a little patient. We're just trying to get one of those little trucks to pull us up just a little closer to the jetway so you can walk down the narrow hallway. There'll be a man there in a tight suit and he'll tell you you have very little time to make your connecting flight. So move it!''.

Attendant: Excuse me. Excuse me!
Elaine: What? Oh, no, nothing for me thanks.
Attendant: What is your name?
Elaine: Elaine Benes?
Attendant: [checks her list] Hmm. You're going to have to go back to coach.
Elaine: No, but there was nobody sitting here.
Attendant: Yes, but you're still not allowed. These seats are very expensive.
Elaine: Oh, no. Please, don't send me back there. Please, I'll do anything. It's so nice up here. It's so comfortable up here. I don't want to go back there. Please don't send me back there! Oh, you got cookies.
Attendant: You're going to have to go back to your seat!
Elaine: Okay, fine. I'll go back... You know, our goal should be a society without classes. [after returning to coach] Do you realize that the people up here are getting cookies!

Kramer: George, there's no traffic at this time. Now, come on, man.
George: Really?
Kramer: If anything, we'll probably get there early. I'll have a chance to go to the Duty Free shop.
George: The Duty Free Shop? Duty Free is the biggest sucker deal in retail. Do you know how much duty is?
Kramer: Duty.
George: Yeah, "duty". Do you know how much duty is?
Kramer: No, I dunno how much duty is.
George: Duty is nothing. It's like sales tax...
Kramer: Well, I'd still like to stop at the Duty Free Shop.

Elaine: Hey, guess what? This window doesn't work.
Jerry: I hate rental cars. Nothing ever works. The window doesn't work, the radio doesn't work, and it smells like a cheap hooker... Or is that you?
Elaine: Give me ten bucks and find out.

Jerry: Excuse me. My friend and I here, we were having a discussion and we were wondering what you usually get for a tip.
Skycap: Depends on the person, depends on the bag.
Jerry: Uh, how about a couple of people like us.
Skycap: People like you? I wouldn't expect much, you don't even look like you know what you're doing...
Jerry: Come on, seriously...
Skycap: Well, since you asked, usually, I get five dollars a bag.
Elaine: What!?
Skycap: That's right.
Elaine: Five dollars a bag? I don't think so.
Skycap: Look, you asked, I told you.
Elaine: You got some nerve trying to take advantage of us.
Jerry: All right, look, we're late. Thank you very much.
Elaine: You're lucky I don't report you.
Skycap: [picks up Jerry's two bags] JFK. [then Elaine's:] Honolulu.

Ticket Clerk: I have one seat in first class, and one in coach. The price is the same because your flight was canceled.
Elaine: Um...
Jerry: Um...
Jerry: I'll take the first class.
Elaine: Jerry!
Jerry: What?
Elaine: Why should you get the first class?
Jerry: Elaine, have you ever flown first class?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: All right then. See? You won't know what you're missing. I've flown first class, Elaine. I can't go back to coach. I can't. I won't.
Elaine: You flew here coach.
Jerry: Yeah, that's a point.

Kramer: So how we doing on time?
George: We're perfect. I timed this out so we would pull up at the terminal exactly 17 minutes after their flight is supposed to land. That gives them just enough time to get off the plane, pick up their bags and be walking out of the terminal as we roll up. I tell you, it's a thing of beauty. I can not express to you the feeling I get from a perfect airport pickup. What's going on? What are you doing? The Long Island Expressway? What are you getting on the Long Island Expressway for? Do you know what the traffic will be like? This is a suicide mission!
Kramer: Will you relax?!
George: Oh, I had it perfectly timed out: the Grand Central, the Van Wyck! You destroyed my whole timing!
Kramer: This is the best way to go!
George: Oh. Do you know what happens if I miss him? I don't get credit for the pickup and I lose my 50 bucks.

Elaine: [inner monologue] Oh, look at this... He's sleeping and I have to go to the bathroom. Maybe he'll wake up soon. What if my kidneys burst? Is it worth it not to wake this man up to damage a major organ? I hope this disgusting slob appreciates what I'm doing for him... [looking at the woman next to her] Yeah, make a little more noise with your gum, that's helpful.

Prisoner: Gotta get my TIME magazine. Never miss my TIME magazine.
Guard: Yeah, get your magazine and let's get out of here.
Prisoner: Hey, I was gonna take that!
George: Gee, I'm sorry... I got here first.
Prisoner: I don't care when you got here, I want the magazine...
George: You don't understand, there's a blurb about me in this magazine!
Prisoner: A blurb?!? You're a blurb! Check out the cover, idiot!
Guard: All right, let's go...
[George turns over the magazine to find a picture of the prisoner on the front-cover with the title "Caught"]
Prisoner: I want the magazine!
George: Um, no.
Prisoner: You know what I would do to you, if I wasn't in these shackles...
George: But you are, Blanche. You are in the shackles. [chuckles] Oh, I can't wait to read my TIME magazine! Last copy, too. Maybe I'll read it tomorrow, in the park! It's supposed to be a beautiful day! Have a nice life... sentence, that is! You miserable...

George: My name is not mentioned in this blurb.
Kramer: That's it. It's Grossbard!
George: Do you believe this? I am nowhere to be found in this blurb.
Kramer: I knew that face looked familiar. It's Grossbard.
George: Who's Grossbard?
Kramer: When I lived on Third Avenue and 18th street 20 years ago, I had this roommate who was always behind in his rent. Then one month, he asked me to loan him his share of the rent, 240 bucks! He took the cash and... disappears. Well, I try to find him, I went to his girlfriend's house, even his family. Uh-uh. I never got the money back! He screwed me! And that's the guy, John Grossbard!
George: Hey Kramer, come on. It was 240 bucks twenty years ago.
Kramer: No, I'm gonna turn around. I'm gonna get that guy.
George: No, no, no, Kramer. Kramer! Kramer! You cannot abandon people in the middle of an airport pickup! It's a binding social contract. We... We must go forward, not back.