Uncle Leo: Look at this. I told them medium rare. It's medium.
Jerry: Hey, it happens.
Uncle Leo: I bet that cook is an anti-Semite!
Jerry: He didn't see you. He has no idea who you are.
Uncle Leo: They don't just overcook a hamburger, Jerry.
Jerry: All right. Anyway, the point I was making before Goebbels made your hamburger is...

Kramer: Jerry? I have an announcement. Your grandmother is on the line.
Jerry: My Nana?
Kramer: And as we speak, she's generously writing PBS a check for fifteen hundred dollars!
[As everyone applauds, Uncle Leo rushes the stage]
Uncle Leo: She can't do that. She's on a very fixed income. Stop the show!

Uncle Leo: Jerry, hello.
Jerry: So, Leo, how's everything? You doing Okay?
Uncle Leo: I still have the ringing in the ears. Sounds like the phone.
Jerry: Yeah, yeah. But what about money? Are you strapped? Do you need a little?
Uncle Leo: What, are you kidding? I should you loaning you money! But I'm not.
Jerry: Leo, I saw you in Brentano's yesterday.
Uncle Leo: Why didn't you say hello?
Jerry: Because you were too busy stealing a book.
Uncle Leo: You still say hello.

Uncle Leo: Jerry, you wanna hear something? Your cousin, Jeffrey, is switching parks. They're transferring him to Riverside, so he'll completely revamp that operation, you understand? He'll do in Riverside what he did in Central Park. It's more money. So... that's your cousin.

Jerry: Uncle Leo, what are you doing here?
Uncle Leo: Jeffrey went out tonight.
Jerry: Ooh! Very convenient.
Uncle Leo: I'm supposed to tape this nature show for him. He loves nature. Botany, zoology. You know, his botany teacher from college stays in close touch with him? They became friends.
Jerry: Oh, really?
Uncle Leo: That's pretty rare! I mean, actual friends. Like equals. They have dinner together, they have discussions.

Jerry: All right, two hundred, but that's as high as I can go. I really think you're being unreasonable here!
Uncle Leo: Jerry, I'd give you the watch. It's not the money, I happen to like it.
Jerry: Look, I happen to know how much that watch cost. It's a sixty dollar watch, you paid forty to get it fixed. That's a hundred dollars. I'm offering you two hundred!
Uncle Leo: I've never seen a band like this.
Jerry: Oh, right. Three hundred, plus fifty for the repair. Three fifty, that's it!
Uncle Leo: You have it on you?
Jerry: Yeah, I think I do. [under his breath] This is unbelievable.
[Morty walks in]
Morty Seinfeld: What the hell is going on here?

Marty: So, if you or your wife want to drop by on Wednesday, it should be ready.
Uncle Leo: Your wife?
Jerry: Yeah. My wife.
Uncle Leo: What are you talking about?
Jerry: Uh... I got married.
Uncle Leo: You got married? I wasn't invited? Nobody sends me an invitation?
Jerry: Well, it was sudden.
Uncle Leo: Are you ashamed of your uncle? Do I embarrass you?
Jerry: No, no, it was a small ceremony.
Uncle Leo: Haven't I always been a good uncle?
Jerry: Yes, yes, you have.
Uncle Leo: Who told you when you went to school that you print well?
Jerry: You did, you did.
Uncle Leo: When he was younger, he had a beautiful penmanship. I used to encourage him to print.
Jerry: I'm a good printer.
Uncle Leo: I remember your 'V.' It was like a perfect triangle. Whoa, there's my bus! [rushes out]

Jerry: Leo, I saw you steal.
Uncle Leo: Oh, they don't care. We all do it.
Jerry: Who, criminals?
Uncle Leo: Senior citizens. No big deal.
Jerry: You could get arrested.
Uncle Leo: Arrested? Come on! I'm an old man. I'm confused! I thought I paid for it. What's my name? Could you take me home?
Jerry: Leo.
Uncle Leo: All right, all right. Mr. Goody Two-Shoes. You made your point.
Jerry: Thank you.
Uncle Leo: Will somebody answer that damn phone?!

Uncle Leo: So now the Parks Commissioner is recommending Jeffrey for a citation.
Jerry: Right. For reducing the pond scum?
Uncle Leo: No, for the walking tours.
Jerry: Oh, yeah. The, uh, where the people eat the plant life, the edible foliage tour.
Uncle Leo: That's exactly right. He knows the whole history of the park. For two hours he's talking and answering questions. But you want to know something? Whenever he has a problem with one of these high-powered big shots in the Parks Department, you know who he calls?
Jerry: Mickey Mantle?

Stella: We saw you on "The Tonight Show" last week.
Uncle Leo: I thought Johnny was very rude to you. He didn't even let you talk.
Jerry: No, no.
Uncle Leo: You need some new material. I've heard you do that dog routine three times already.
Elaine: [as Brando] Stella! Stella!
Uncle Leo: Listen, you should get your cousin Jeffrey to write some material for you.
Morty Seinfeld: What are you talking? Jeffrey works for the parks department!
Uncle Leo: You should read the letters he's written. He's funnier than the whole bunch of you! Oh, here's Jack. We should sit down.
Stella: This better be good. I'm missing Golden Girls for this.