Jackie Chiles Quotes Page 1 of 3

Quote from The Abstinence

Jackie Chiles: [on the phone] Oh, my vacation was restful, splendid, magnificent. In fact, next time I'm planning on going to Corfu.

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Quote from The Abstinence

Jackie Chiles: Did that cigarette warning label mention anything about damage to your appearance?
Kramer: No, it didn't say anything.
Jackie Chiles: So you're a victim. Now your face is sallow, unattractive, disgusting.
Kramer: So Jackie, do you think we gotta case?
Jackie Chiles: Your face is my case.

Quote from The Finale

D.A. Hoyt: Call Mabel Choate to the stand.
Bailiff: Call Mabel Choate.
Jackie Chiles: Your Honor. I most strenuously and vigorously object to this witness. She was not present at the time of the incident. Her testimony is irrelevant, irrational, and inconsequential.

Quote from The Finale

Jackie Chiles: Who told you to put the cheese on? Did I tell you to put the cheese on? I didn't tell you to put the cheese on.
Secretary: [over intercom] Jerry Seinfeld on the phone.
Jackie Chiles: You people with the cheese, it never ends. Hello? Mmm-huh. Mmm-huh. Mmm-huh. Uh huh. Good Samaritan Law? I never heard of it. You don't have to help anybody. That's what this country's all about. That's deplorable, unfathomable, improbable. Hold on. Suzie, cancel my appointment with Dr. Bison. And pack a bag for me. I want to get to Latham, Massachusetts, right away.

Quote from The Finale

Judge Vandelay: Mr. Chiles?
Jackie Chiles: I am shocked and chagrined. Mortified and stupefied. This trial is outrageous! It is a waste of the taxpayers' time and money. It is a travesty of justice that these four people have been incarcerated while the real perpetrator is walking around laughing. Lying and laughing, laughing and lying. Do you know what these four people were? They were innocent bystanders. Now, you just think about that term. Innocent. Bystanders. Because that's exactly what they were. We know they were bystanders, nobody's disputing that. So how can a bystander be guilty? No such thing. Have you ever heard of a guilty bystander? No, because you cannot be a bystander and be guilty. Bystanders are by definition, innocent. That is the nature of bystanding. But no. They want to change nature here. They want to create a whole new animal. The guilty bystander. Don't you let them do it. Only you can stop them.

Quote from The Maestro

Kramer: Well, you know, they don't allow outside drinks in the movie theater. So I had to put it in my shirt and sneak it in.
Jackie Chiles: Yeah, see, they like to sell their own coffee.
Kramer: Yeah, now is that going to be a problem?
Jackie Chiles: Yeah, that's going to be a problem. It's gonna be a problem for them. This a clear violation of your rights as a consumer. It's an infringement on your constitutional rights. It's outrageous, egregious, preposterous.
Kramer: It's definitely preposterous.

Quote from The Caddy

Kramer: Well, the we saw this woman, and she was wearing a bra with no top.
Jackie Chiles: No top? She didn't have a top on?
Kramer: No. So I got distracted and I crashed the car.
Jackie Chiles: Well, how would you describe this woman? Would you say she was an attractive woman?
Kramer: Oh, yeah.
Jackie Chiles: So we got an attractive woman, wearing a bra, no top, walking around in broad daylight. She's flouting society's conventions!
Kramer: She was flouting.
Jackie Chiles: That's totally inappropriate. It's lewd, lascivious, salacious, outrageous!
Kramer: Kramer: It was outrageous.

Quote from The Caddy

Kramer: And she's the heir to the O'Henry candy bar fortune.
Jackie Chiles: Could you repeat that?
Kramer: I said she's the heir to the O'Henry candy bar fortune.
Jackie Chiles: O'Henry? That's one of our top-selling candy bars. It's got chocolate, peanuts, nougat. It's delicious, scrumptious, outstanding! Have you been to a doctor?
Kramer: No.
Jackie Chiles: [over intercom] Susie, call Dr. Bison, set up an appointment for Mr. Kramer. Tell him it's for me.
Kramer: So what do you think, Jackie? I mean we got a case?
Jackie Chiles: Like taking candy from a baby.

Quote from The Finale

Jackie Chiles: Is everybody ready? Didn't I tell you I wanted you to wear the cardigan?
George: It makes me look older.
Jackie Chiles: Look older? Do you think this is a game? Is that what you think this is? I'm trying to give you a moral compass. You have no moral compass. You're going to walk into that courtroom, and the jury's going to see a mean, nasty, evil George Costanza. I want them to see Perry Como. No one's going to convict Perry Como. Perry Como helps out a fat tub who's getting robbed.

Quote from The Finale

D.A. Hoyt: So you asked Mr. Seinfeld if he would wear your puffy shirt on the Today Show?
Leslie: [mumble]
[Everyone in the courthouse leans forward to try hear her]
D.A. Hoyt: Excuse me?
Jackie Chiles: Uh, excuse me, Your Honor, but what is the point of this testimony? This woman's a low-talker. I can't hear a word she's saying. So either get some other kind of microphone up there, or let's move on.

Quote from The Maestro

Jackie Chiles: You put the balm on? Who told you to put the balm on? I didn't tell you to put the balm on. Why'd you put the balm on? You haven't even been to see the doctor. If you're gonna put a balm on, let a doctor put a balm on.
Kramer: I guess I screwed up, Jackie?
Jackie Chiles: You're damn right you screwed up. Where the hell did you get that damn balm from anyway?
Kramer: The Maestro.
Jackie Chiles: The who? What are you talking about, Maestro?
Kramer: My friend. He's a conductor.
Jackie Chiles: Oh, oh. So a Maestro tells you to put a balm on and you do it?
Kramer: Well my stomach was burning.
Jackie Chiles: I tell you what this is. This is a public humiliation.
Kramer: Well, I didn't know the balm was gonna work.
Jackie Chiles: Do you know what a balm is? Have you ever seen a balm? Didn't you read the instructions?
Kramer: Well I ...
Jackie Chiles: [interrupts] No one can tell what a balm's gonna do. They're unpredictable.

Quote from The Maestro

Jackie Chiles: "I'll take it"? "I'll take it"? Who told you to take it? Did I tell you to take it?
Kramer: No.
Jackie Chiles: I know the Maestro didn't tell you to take it. He wasn't there.
Kramer: Well, I thought we were lucky to get anything.
Jackie Chiles: Free coffee?
Kramer: Yeah.
Jackie Chiles: I don't want free coffee. It's not hard to get coffee. I can get my own damn coffee. I wanted to hear what came after that "plus".
Kramer: Well, I didn't hear any Plus.
Jackie Chiles: Twenty years practicing law I've never experienced anything like this.
Kramer: Look, Java World. [to the cabbie] Hey, listen, I'm gonna get out here. I'm gonna get myself a free cafe latte.

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