[stand-up]
Jerry: One of the problems in life is that when you're a kid, you have a certain way of working out disagreements. And those laws do not work in the adult world. One of the main way that kids resolve any dispute is by calling it. One of them says, "I got the front seat" "I wanted the front seat!" "I called it". And the other kid knows he's got nothing to say. "He called it, what can I do?". If there was a kid court of law, it holds up. "Your Honor, my client did ask for the front seat." And the judge would go, "Did he call it?" "Well, no, he didn't call..." Bang. "He has to call it, case closed. Objection overruled".

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I got ripped off for about the 18th time? And now, the first couple a times you go through it, it's very upsetting and your first reaction or one of your friends will say: "Call the police. You really should call the police." So you think to yourself, you know, you watch TV, you think: "Yeah, I'm calling the police. Stakeouts, manhunts... I'm gonna see some real action." Right? You think that. So, the police come over to your house, they fill out the report. They give you your copy. Now, unless they give the crook his copy, I don't really think we're gonna crack this case, do you? It's not like Batman, where there's three crooks in the city and everybody pretty much knows, who they are. Very few crooks even go to the trouble to come up with a theme for their careers anymore. It makes them a lot tougher to spot. "Did you lose a Sony? It could be the Penguin. I think we can round him up, he's dressed like a penguin! We can find him, he's a penguin!

George: I love the mirror in that bathroom! I don't know what in the hell it is, I look terrific in that mirror. [sits down] I don't know if it's the tile or the lighting, I feel like Robert Wagner.
Jerry: It's a good mirror.
Jerry: So, what are you gettin'?
George: I don't know. What can you eat? You can't have anything anymore. Look at this. Look at this. Eggs, out. Coffee, out. French fries, out. BLT, out! I go to visit my grandparents, they're eating big brisket sandwiches, I'm sittin' here with a carrot! They're closing in on a hundred, I'm sayin' to them: "How can you eat that stuff?!"

Kramer: [enters apartment] Jerry, I think I'm on to something. I think I found your stuff. You know the Englishman, who lives down the hall?
Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: The last couple a days he's been acting very strange; I think he's avoiding me.
Jerry: Hard to imagine.
Kramer: Yeah! And get this: I just got of the elevator with him and I tested him, I tested him, like I... This is what I said to him, like I, I was like this... I went: "Oh, by the way, I now about the stuff."
Jerry: Right.
Kramer: You know, very casually, so that he was gonna take me in to his confidence.
Elaine: So what did he say?
Kramer: "What stuff?".
Jerry: Ooh, case closed!
Kramer: No, you don't understand, you see, he swallowed! See, the guy, he swallowed. Oh, he was nervous about something! Now, I'm gonna go over there, I'm gonna borrow some tea. If I don't get back in five minutes, maybe you'd better call the police.
Jerry: OK, starting... now!
Kramer: Yeah! [runs off]

[stand-up:]
Jerry: So I move into the center lane, now I get ahead of this women, who felt for some reason I guess, that she thought that I cut her off. So, she pulls up along side of me, gives me... the finger. It seems like such an arbitrary, ridiculous thing to just pick a finger and you show it to the person. It's a finger, what does it mean? Someone shows me one of their fingers and I'm supposed to feel bad. Is that the way it's supposed to work? I mean, you could just give someone the toe, really, couldn't you? I would feel worse if I got the toe, than if I got the finger. 'Cause it's not easy to give someone the toe, you've gotta get the shoe off, the sock of and drive, get it up and uh.... "Look at that toe, buddy!" I mean, that's really insulting to get the toe, isn't it?

Jerry: Yeah, what's it like?
George: I haven't seen it yet, but it's a two-bedroom. It's on the uh, West 83rd, 'bout a half block from the park?Jerry: How much?
George: Uh, twice what you pay in here, but it's a great building, it's two bedrooms!
Jerry: Two bedrooms? Why do I need two bedrooms? I got enough trouble maintaining activity in one. [off Elaine and George's shared look] I saw that.

Police Officer: Let's see, that's uh, one TV, a stereo, one leather jacket, a VCR and a computer. Is that about it?
Elaine: Answering machine.
Jerry: Answering machine. Oh, I hate the idea of somebody out there returning my calls.
Police Officer: What do you mean?
Jerry: It's a joke.
Police Officer: I see. Well, Mr. Seinfeld uh, we'll look into it and, uh, we'll let you know if we, uh, you know, if we find anything.
Jerry: You ever find anything?
Police Officer: No.
Jerry: Well, thanks anyway.
Police Officer: You bet. [exits]
Elaine: I didn't get that joke either.
Jerry: The crook has the machine. The messages aren't for him. He's the crook: why would he answer...

Jerry: Is that it? Got the Q-tips, got the mini-umbrella, something boring to read on the plane. That's it. Done!
Elaine: That is the single greatest packing performance I have ever seen.
Jerry: I am the master packer.
Elaine: Yeah, right, you're the master packer.
Jerry: What you must understand, Elaine, packing is no different than leading men into battle. You've gotta know the strengths and weaknesses of every soldier in that platoon. From a collapsible toothbrush to a pair of ordinary black socks.

Elaine: Anything else I need to know about this place?
Jerry: Uh, yeah. The, uh, hot water takes a little while to come on. So, the best thing to do is to turn it on, do all your shopping, you come back and take a shower.
Elaine: Okay, this is quite a place.
Jerry: There's more. The refrigerator. Deduct a minimum of two days of all expiration dates. No meat, no leftovers, no butter. And I cannot overstate this. No soft cheeses of any kind. Is that clear?
Elaine: I'll eat out.
Jerry: One more thing, Benes, regarding sexual activity. Strictly prohibited, but if you absolutely must, do us all a big favor: do it in the tub.

George: Coming to the airport with us?
Elaine: No, I'm staying here for the weekend. I'm getting a break from my roommate.
George: Oh, the actress/waitress.
Elaine: No, the waitress/actress. She just got some part in some dinner-theater production of A Chorus Line. So, now all day long she's walking around the apartment singing, "God, I hope I get it, I hope I get it". She's gonna get it right in her...