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‘The Cadillac’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Cadillac

714. The Cadillac

Aired February 8, 1996

Hot off a well-paid gig, Jerry buys his father his dream car, a Cadillac, which causes resentment in Morty's retirement community. A friend of Elaine tells George that she would have introduced him to the actress Marisa Tomei if he weren't engaged. Meanwhile, Kramer feuds with a cable guy.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: I've been getting HBO and Showtime for free. See, they just found out about it, so now they wanna come and take it out.
Jerry: Well, said he was waiting about two hours. Seemed a little put out.
Kramer: [fake sobs] Oh, was he? Was he? I guess the cable man doesn't like to be kept waiting.
Jerry: You don't seem too bothered by it.
Kramer: You remember what they did to me ten years ago? "Oh, we'll be there in the morning between 9 and 1", or "We'll be there between 2 and 6"! And I sat there, hour after hour, without so much as a phone call. Finally, they show up, no apology, tracking mud all over my nice clean floors. Now, they want me to accommodate them. Well, looks like the shoe's on the other foot, doesn't it?
Jerry: Boy, I've never seen you like this.
Kramer: Oh, you don't wanna get on my bad side.

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Quote from George

Elaine: Okay, all right. What's his name? Who is he?
George: Art Vandelay.
Elaine: Art Vandelay? This is my boyfriend?
George: That's your boyfriend.
Elaine: What does he do?
George: [snaps fingers] He's an importer.
Elaine: Just imports? No exports?
George: He's an importer-exporter. Okay?

Quote from Helen Seinfeld

Helen Seinfeld: Jerry, let's go, it's time to eat. We're going to dinner.
Jerry: Dinner? W- What time is it?
Helen Seinfeld: It's 4:30.
Jerry: 4:30? Who eats dinner at 4:30?
Morty Seinfeld: By the time we sit down, it'll be quarter to five.
Jerry: I don't understand why we have to eat now.
Helen Seinfeld: We gotta catch the early-bird. It's only between 4:30 and 6:00.
Morty Seinfeld: Yeah. They give you a tenderloin, a salad and a baked potato, for $4.95. You know what that cost you after 6?
Jerry: Can't we eat at a decent hour? I'll treat, okay?
Helen Seinfeld: You're not buying us dinner.
Jerry: I'm not force-feeding myself a steak at four-thirty to save a couple of bucks, I'll tell you that!
Helen Seinfeld: All right, we'll wait. But it's unheard of.

Quote from Kramer

Nick: [knocks on Kramer's door] All right, I know you're in there. I know you can hear me. You win, okay? You win. I can't do it any more. What do you want from me? Apology? All right, I'm sorry. There, I said it, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I see now how we made you feel when we made you sit home waiting. I don't know why we do it. I guess maybe we just kind of enjoy taking advantage of people. Well, that's gonna change. From now on, no more 9 to 12, no more 1 to 5. We're gonna have appointments. Eleven o'clock is gonna mean eleven o'clock. And, if we can't make it, we're gonna call you, tell you why. For God's sakes, if a doctor can do it, why can't we? Anyway, that's it.
[As Nick starts to walk away, Kramer opens his door.]
Kramer: I'm sorry, bub. [they hug]

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Who was Pippi Longstocking?
Katy: Pippi Longstocking? Hmm, I don't don't know.
Elaine: Did she have anything to do with Hitler?
Katy: Hitler? Maybe.

Quote from George

George: Could have fixed me up with Marisa Tomei. She said I was just her type.
Jerry: Really?
George: Yeah. Yeah. You know the odds of me being anyone's type?! I have never been anyone's type. But apparently, this Marisa Tomei loves funny, quirky, bald men.
Jerry: You know she won an Academy Award.
George: [chuckles] Like I don't know that? My Cousin Vinnie. I love that. I, George Costanza, could be on a date with an Oscar winner. An Oscar winner, Jerry! You know what that's like? It's like if, fifty years ago, someone fixed me up with Katharine Hepburn. Same thing!
Jerry: Now, there's a match. You and Katharine Hepburn.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Um, George felt that I was too adamant in my stance that Art should focus on the exporting and forget about the importing.
Susan Ross: Wait a minute. I thought that Art wanted to give up the exporting.
Elaine: What did I say?
Susan Ross: The importing.
Elaine: I did. Uh...
Susan Ross: So, what does he uh, import?
Elaine: Chips.
Susan Ross: Oh. What kinda chips?
Elaine: Potato.
Susan Ross: Ah.
Elaine: Some corn.
Susan Ross: And what does he export?
Elaine: Diapers.

Quote from George

Katy: I actually would've set you up with a friend of mine.
George: Oh, yeah?
Katy: You'd be perfect for her. She loves quirky, funny guys.
George: Bald?
Katy: Loves bald.
George: Loves bald? Wow. Who, uh... Who is she?
Katy: Marisa Tomei.
George: The actress?
Katy: Yeah.
George: You're friends with Marisa Tomei?
Katy: That's right.
George: That's- That's incredible. My Cousin Vinnie, I love her, she was fantastic!
Katy: Yeah, I know.
George: You were gonna fix me up with her?
Katy: Yeah, she's just been sitting home.
George: Marisa Tomei's sitting home, Elaine! Wh- Why didn't you tell me that Katy was friends with Marisa Tomei?!
Elaine: Oh, I don't know what I was thinking.

Quote from George

Elaine: Jerry, he want me to fix him up with Marisa Tomei. I am not gonna be a part of this!
George: Fixed up? A cup of coffee! A cup of coffee is not a fix up!
Elaine: You wanna meet her. You wanna see if she likes you?
George: So what? So what if I do?
Elaine: You're engaged!
George: I'm aware! I'm aware! But this is Marisa Tomei, Elaine. An Oscar winner! How can I live the rest of my life, knowing I could have been with Marisa Tomei? She said I was just her type! She loves short, stocky,
balding funny men!
Jerry: I notice you threw 'stocky' in there.
George: Yeah, what the hell?!
Elaine: George, it's cheating.
George: It's not cheating if there's no sex!

Quote from Morty Seinfeld

Morty Seinfeld: Jerry, look at this. My seat's got a memory, in case somebody moves it. I could be in prison for five years. I come out, my seat goes right back to where I like it.
Jerry: That's what I was thinking.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: [answers phone]Hello.
Nick: Hi, uh, Mr. Kramer, this is McNab down at the phone company. We've got a report about some trouble on your line.
[Kramer smiles as he recognizes the voice]
Kramer: Hmm. Well, I haven't had any trouble.
Nick: Uh, the thing is, we happen to have a man right in your neighborhood.
[Kramer walks over to his window and peeks through the blinds. He sees the cable guy using a phone booth across the street.]
Kramer: Oh, is that right? Well, I have been having a little trouble with my call-waiting.
Nick: We can fix that. We can fix that.
Kramer: Oh, can you? That's funny, because, as it happens, I don't have call-waiting. Seems to me that the phone company would know that.
Nick: Oh, right. I'm sorry, I was looking at the wrong work order.
Kramer: Yeah. Could you hold on for a second? I've got something on the stove.
[Kramer puts the phone next to the radio, which is playing soothing music.]
[later, as the cable guy waits in the phone booth, Kramer goes by in the passenger seat of a cab:]
Kramer: Hey, McNab! Chunnel's on HBO tonight. Why don't you stop by?

Quote from George

George: Okay. Now, why do I have to see you?
Elaine: Ah! Because, I'm going to the dentist, and I'm afraid, and I want you to go with me.
George: (dismissive) It's no good.
Elaine: (pointedly) Okay. Fine.
George: What?
Elaine: I don't like the way you just rejected my suggestion.
George: Hey, hey, let's not get so defensive here. This is a give and take process.
Elaine: I thought that my suggestion was good. And, I think you could've been a little more tactful.
George: Okay, look. We've never worked together on a lie. Now, you don't understand how I work. I have a certain way of working. Jerry and I have worked together a few times. He knows how I work. It's not a personal thing, you know? We're just trying to come up with the best possible lie. That's what this is all about.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Nice to meet you.
Mrs. Choate: Hello.
Morty Seinfeld: Jerry lives in New York. You just came from New York, didn't you?
Mrs. Choate: Yeah. I was visiting my daughter, and I'll never go back. The crime there is just terrible. Do you know I got mugged for a marble rye, right on the street?
Helen Seinfeld: Oh, that's terrible. They stole a rye? Why would they steal arye?
Morty Seinfeld: That's what the city's turning into. They'll steal anything.
Mrs. Choate: They're like savages.
Jerry: Yeah, there's some sickos out there.
Mrs. Choate: You look very familiar. Have we ever met?
Jerry: You ever go to Camp Tiyoga?

Quote from George

George: I gotta go meet Elaine.
Susan Ross: Elaine? What for?
George: I don't know. She- She's having some problems with this guy she's seeing.
Susan Ross: I didn't even know she was dating anyone.
George: Yeah, yeah. She's seeing this guy, Art Vandelay.
Susan Ross: So what does he do?
George: He's an importer-exporter.
Susan Ross: What kind of problems are they having?
George: Well, he... Uh, he wants to, uh, quit the exporting and uh, focus just on the importing. And it's a problem, because she thinks the exporting is as important as the importing.
Susan Ross: Are you having an affair with Elaine?
George: Right. Come on! I'm having an affair with Elaine?! If I was having an affair with Elaine, I wouldn't tell you I'm going to see Elaine. I would make up some other person to tell you I was gonna go see, and then I would go see Ela... Elaine.
Susan Ross: Huh?
[George gives a smile and walks out the door]

Quote from George

George: So, anyway, if you think about it, manure is not really that bad a word. I mean, it's 'newer', which is good, and a 'ma' in front of it, which is also good. "Manure", right?
Marisa Tomei: You're so right. I never thought of it like that. Manure. 'Ma' and the 'newer'. Did you just make that up?
George: What, you think I'm doing material here?
Marisa Tomei: [laughs] No, no. It's hard to believe anyone could be so spontaneously funny.
George: And I'm a little tired.
Marisa Tomei: So, tell me, how is it that a man like you... so bald, and so quirky and funny. How is it you're not taken?
George: Well, Marisa. See, the thing is, I'm sort of engaged.
Marisa Tomei: [face drops] What?
George: I'm, you know, engaged.
[An outraged Marisa punches George in the face]

Quote from Elaine

Susan Ross: Uh, Elaine, I have to ask you a question.
Elaine: Oh, sure.
Susan Ross: Are you having an affair with George?
Elaine: Wha...?! [laughs hysterically] No. Don't be ridiculous! (laughter) I mean, why would anyone
wanna sleep... [realizes who she's talking to] Well, obviously... You know... Why would you think I was having an affair with George?
Susan Ross: Oh, because he said that he had to talk with you earlier about some problem that you were having.
Elaine: Yeah. Yeah, I did have to talk with him. I definitely had to talk with him. Having a problem with my boyfriend.
Susan Ross: Art Vandelay?
Elaine: Yeah, Art Vandelay.
Susan Ross: I'm sorry. I feel like an idiot.


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