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Seinfeld: The Secretary

609. The Secretary

Aired December 8, 1994

George decides to ignore attractive applicants when he hires a secretary. Jerry is convinced his dry cleaner is wearing his clothes. Elaine is unhappy with a dress that looked great in the store.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: If you are a waiter or a waitress and you ever see me in a restaurant, I'm telling you right now, I don't want to hear about the specials. I don't want to know about the specials. I'm sick of the specials. I hate the specials. My feeling is, if the specials were so special, they'd be on the menu. You know what's special about them? They don't know if anybody likes them. They always have those overly creative descriptions of the specials too, you know. The veil is lightly slapped, and then sequestered in a one-bedroom suite with a white wine intravenous.

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Quote from Mr. Steinbrenner

George: But Mr. Steinbrenner, how can I be expected to perform my job properly, knowing that my, uh, subordinate is making more money than I am? With all due respect, sir, it's outta whack.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Uh huh, I understand what you're saying George and I know what it's like to be financially strapped. When I was a young man in Cleveland, I used to hitchhike to work. One time, I got picked up by a bakery truck. You think that stuff smells good? Try being cooped up in the back of one of those babies.I couldn't look at a donut for the next two years. Well, not that I was ever one for the sweets. Sure, I like a cup cake every now and then, like everybody else. You know, I like it when they have a little cream on the inside, it's a surprise. That's good. Plus, the chocolate ones are good too. Sometimes, I just can't even make up my mind. A lot of times, I'll mix the two together, make a vanilla fudge.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I don't even know what, what is supposed to be so attractive about fur? Why does a man want to see a woman in a fur? Men want women to shave their legs, shave their armpits, pluck their eyebrows and then before we go out, we dress them up like a bear. To me, the only reason to wear fur, would be if you were trying to sneak up on another animal. Did you ever see those tribal hunters where they wear the fur and then they had the other animals, head on top of their head? You know, I'm sure there's a moose looking at that going, "Yeah, that looks real good. Yeah, I’m gonna turn my back on this goof ball with the extra head. Because there's nothing fishy going on there. I'll just keep drinking from the stream. I've seen a lot of two-headed tigers with knees."

Quote from George

Jerry: So this, uh, woman you plan on hiring, is she going to be in the "spokes-model" category?
George: Sure. I could go the tomato route. But eh, I've given this a lot of thought Jerry. All that frustration, I'll never get any work done. So I'm doing a complete 360. I'm going for total efficiency and ability.
Jerry: That's a 180, George.
George: Whatever.

Quote from Jerry

George: So, I am actually going to have a secretary and I get to do the interview.
Jerry: That's incredible. Six months ago you were taking messages for your mother.
George: Yeah, and now someone's going to be taking messages for me.
Jerry: From your mother.

Quote from George

Attractive Woman: Well, I type about 90 words a minute. I'm completely well-versed in all IBM and Macintosh programs.
George: Well, Miss Coggins, you're, uh, obviously qualified for the job. You've all the necessary skills and experience. But you're extremely attractive. You're gorgeous. I'm looking at you, I can't even remember my name. So, uh, I'm afraid this is not going to work out. [crumples up resume and throws it in trash] Thanks for coming in.

Quote from George

George: You're luscious. You're ravishing. I would give up red meat just to get a glimpse of you in a bra. I'm terribly sorry. [shakes hands with the applicant]

Quote from George

George: I'm telling you Jerry, having a secretary is incredible. I don't know why I didn't have one before.
Jerry: Because you didn't have a job?
George: Perhaps. [giggles] I walk in, everything is organized: messages, appointments. And I can't tell you how proud I am of myself for going with Ada.
Jerry: A lesser man would have crumbled. They would have gone for the "dish" and the sure fire sexual-harassment suit.

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: You got no waist in that thing.
George: And your arms look like something hanging in a kosher deli.
Elaine: I said, all right.
George: Well what'd you buy it for?
Elaine: Why did I buy it? Because in the mirror, at Barney's, I looked fabulous. This woman was just walking by said I looked like Demi Moore in Indecent Proposal.
Jerry: How fast was she walking?

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Wait a minute Wait a minute. I know what's going on here. Skinny mirrors!
Jerry: What?
Elaine: Skinny mirrors! Barney's has skinny mirrors. They make you look, like, 10 pounds lighter.
Jerry: Oh, you're crazy.
Elaine: Am I? Do you think I would have bought this dress if I looked like this at Barney's?
George: You know, I think she might have something there.

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