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‘The Secretary’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Secretary

609. The Secretary

Aired December 8, 1994

George decides to ignore attractive applicants when he hires a secretary. Jerry is convinced his dry cleaner is wearing his clothes. Elaine is unhappy with a dress that looked great in the store.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: If you are a waiter or a waitress and you ever see me in a restaurant, I'm telling you right now, I don't want to hear about the specials. I don't want to know about the specials. I'm sick of the specials. I hate the specials. My feeling is, if the specials were so special, they'd be on the menu. You know what's special about them? They don't know if anybody likes them. They always have those overly creative descriptions of the specials too, you know. The veil is lightly slapped, and then sequestered in a one-bedroom suite with a white wine intravenous.

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Quote from Mr. Steinbrenner

George: But Mr. Steinbrenner, how can I be expected to perform my job properly, knowing that my uh, subordinate is making more money than I am? With all due respect, sir, it's outta whack.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Uh huh, I understand what you're saying George and I know what it's like to be financially strapped. When I was a young man in Cleveland, I use to hitchhike to work. One time, I got picked up by a
bakery truck. You think that stuff smells good? Try being cooped up in the back of one of those babies.I couldn't look at a donut for the next two years. Well, not that I was ever one for the sweets. Sure, I like a cup cake every now and then, like everybody else. You know, I like it when they have a little cream on the inside, it's a surprise. That's good. Plus, the chocolate ones are good too. Sometimes, I just can't even make up my mind. A lot of times, I'll mix the two together, make a vanilla fudge.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I don't even know what, what is supposed to be so attractive about fur? Why does a man want to see a woman in a fur? Men want women to shave their legs, shave their armpits, pluck their eyebrows and then before we go out, we dress them up like a bear. To me, the only reason to wear fur, would be if you were trying to sneak up on another animal. Did you ever see those tribal hunters where they wear the fur and then they had the other animals, head on top of their head? You know, I'm sure there's a moose looking at that going, "Yeah, that looks real good. Yeah, I’m gonna turn my back on this goof ball with the extra head. Because there's nothing fishy going on there. I'll just keep drinking from the stream. I've seen a lot of two-headed tigers with knees."

Quote from George

Jerry: So this, uh, woman you plan on hiring, is she going to be in the "spokes-model" category?
George: Sure. I could go the tomato route. But eh, I've given this a lot of thought Jerry. All that frustration, I'll never get any work done. So I'm doing a complete 360. I'm going for total efficiency and ability.
Jerry: That's a 180, George.
George: Whatever.

Quote from Jerry

George: So, I am actually going to have a secretary and I get to do the interview.
Jerry: That's incredible. Six months ago you were taking messages for your mother.
George: Yeah, and now someone's going to be taking messages for me.
Jerry: From your mother.

Quote from George

Attractive Woman: Well, I type about 90 words a minute. I'm completely well-versed in all IBM and Macintosh programs.
George: Well, Miss Coggins, you're, uh, obviously qualified for the job. You've all the necessary skills and experience. But you're extremely attractive. You're gorgeous. I'm looking at you, I can't even remember my name. So, uh, I'm afraid this is not going to work out. [crumples up resume and throws it in trash] Thanks for coming in.

Quote from George

George: You're luscious. You're ravishing. I would give up red meat just to get a glimpse of you in a bra. I'm terribly sorry. [shakes hands with the applicant]

Quote from George

George: I'm telling you Jerry, having a secretary is incredible. I don't know why I didn't have one before.
Jerry: Because you didn't have a job?
George: Perhaps. [giggles] I walk in, everything is organized: messages, appointments. And I can't tell you how proud I am of myself for going with Ada.
Jerry: A lesser man would have crumbled. They would have gone for the "dish" and the sure fire sexual-harassment suit.

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: You got no waist in that thing.
George: And your arms look like something hanging in a kosher deli.
Elaine: I said, all right.
George: Well what'd you buy it for?
Elaine: Why did I buy it? Because in the mirror, at Barney's, I looked fabulous. This woman was just walking by said I looked like Demi Moore in Indecent Proposal.
Jerry: How fast was she walking?

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Wait a minute Wait a minute. I know what's going on here. Skinny mirrors!
Jerry: What?
Elaine: Skinny mirrors! Barney's has skinny mirrors. They make you look, like, 10 pounds lighter.
Jerry: Oh, you're crazy.
Elaine: Am I? Do you think I would have bought this dress if I looked like this at Barney's?
George: You know, I think she might have something there.

Quote from George

George: And then assuming the strike is resolved, on April 14th, we play the Angels. So let's clear a floor at the Anaheim Hotel.
Ada: Anaheim Hotel. Mmm-hmm. You may want to reconsider. I believe they only have room service until 10 P.M. and then it's only finger foods.
George: Ada, you're a wonder.
Ada: Okay, now I projected some of those figures for you regarding the switch to canola oil for the stadium popcorn and surprisingly it will only come to 1/2 a cent more per bag, so it is definitely doable.
George: Ada, I have to tell you, I, I have never met anybody so... efficient.
Ada: Well thank you, I'm flattered.
George: I mean you're just, you're just a marvel of organization.
Ada: Well I'm just, hm, doing my job.
George: It's like I'm thinking of something, and you're [snaps fingers] one step ahead of me.
Ada: What can I say? I'm ... I'm good at what I do. [laughs]
George: Do you, uh... Do you know what I'm thinking about now?
Ada: Yes, I think I do.
George: Is it, uh, doable?
Ada: It's definitely doable.
[Ada throws her note pad and pencil in the air and takes off her glasses. George takes off his glasses as well, and the pair embrace and start kissing]

Quote from George

Ada: Ah, no, no, no, no, no. A better way to reach the bra would be to undo the jacket, then go around the back of the shirt.
George: Ada, you are incredible.
Ada: Oh... Oh... Oh... Here, I want to show you something. Hand me that pillow.
George: What? Oh, My God!
Ada: Mr. Costanza!
George: Ada! Ah, ah, ah ... I'm giving you a raise!

Quote from George

Jerry: So you're having sex and then all of a sudden, you just blurt out "I'm giving you a raise."
George: Yeah.
Jerry: Just a quick sidebar here. Are you in anyway authorized to give raises?
George: Not that I'm aware of, no.
Jerry: So you're so grateful to have sex, that you'll just shout out anything that comes into your head.
George: I didn't think ahead.
Jerry: Well, maybe she'll just think it was bawdy talk.
George: I didn't say any other bawdy things.
Jerry: Maybe you could have sex with her again and then take it back.
George: All right, you know you're not any help at all here. I don't know what even the point is of talking to you about it.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: These mirrors are skinny mirrors. This is false... reflecting. And I think, that the Department of..., you know, whatever, would be very interested to know what's going on here.
Sales Associate: Well, we're more than happy to exchange it for something else.
Elaine: Okay, I did like that little Calvin Klein number right by the elevator. You know the little...
Sales Associate: I'll bring it to your dressing room.

Quote from Kramer

Kenny Bania: I'm looking for a new suit. I can't find anything I like. That's a nice suit.
Kramer: Well, thank you.
Kenny Bania: Did you get that here?
Kramer: No, this is vintage. They don't make this stuff anymore.
Kenny Bania: You're telling me.
Kramer: I sure am.
Kenny Bania: It's hard for me to find pants that-
Kramer: That don't make you look high-waisted.
Kenny Bania: Yes
Kramer: Me too.
Kenny Bania: What size are you?
Kramer: Uh, 42.
Kenny Bania: 42, That's what I am now. I've been working out, I'm huge.

Quote from Mr. Steinbrenner

George: Mr. Steinbrenner, can I talk to you for a second?
Mr. Steinbrenner: Yes, yes, George. Can you talk to me for a second? Of course you can. I'm a very accessible man. I just wanted to say you're doing great work on that Canola oil stuff.
George: Well, you know, to be honest, sir, my new secretary Ada, came up with that one.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Ada, Ada. I like that name, George.
George: She supports her whole family.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Is that a fact, George?
George: Yes, in fact, her mother is in the hospital right now. It's some kind of a Diverticulitis.
Mr. Steinbrenner: I had a bout of that myself one time. It knocked me right on my ass.
George: She can't even afford to go out to lunch. She's been eating in a high school cafeterias She pretends to be a teacher. It's pathetic.
Mr. Steinbrenner: What's that cost her, like, two and a quarter?
George: You know, what I was just thinking she could really use a raise.
Mr. Steinbrenner: You know, she'd be better off making a sandwich at home and bringing it in. [picks up the phone] Hello? Uh, George will you excuse me.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Yeah it looks good here, but what does that mean?
Sales Associate: So, uh, do you want it?
Elaine: I don't know, I have to think about it. [the sales associate leaves] I need a nonpartisan mirror.
[Elaine looks around and then slowly backs out of the clothing department]

Quote from George

Ada: I can't thank you enough, Mr. Costanza. I'm so grateful
George: Yes, well, I sat down with Mr. Steinbrenner. I told him you have been doing great work. I said that you deserved a raise, and if you didn't get it, that I was leaving.
Ada: It was just so generous.
George: Oh, well, don't worry about it. He's got plenty of money. [spins chair to face away]
Ada: Oh I know, but twenty-five thousand.
George: [spins chair back] So you got a $25,000 a year raise?
Ada: Yes. Oh, I tell you, Mr. Steinbrenner...
George: You're making more than I am.
Ada: I am?
George: A secretary cannot make more than her boss.
Ada: Well, apparently they can.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: This isn't going to work for me, so if you could show me something else.
Sales Associate: No.
Elaine: No?
Sales Associate: No, because you're taking that one.
Elaine: I am?
Sales Associate: Yes, you wore it out of the store.
Elaine: Ha! That's preposterous.
Sales Associate: I suppose that salt stain came from all the snow in the store. Shall I wrap it or will you wear it out?
Elaine: No, you can wrap it.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Bania, can I talk to you for a second? How's everything going?
Kenny Bania: Pretty good.
Jerry: Yeah. Well, see the thing of it is, I'm in a bit of an awkward position here. Because, uh, I don't want to get in between you two guys but ... I need a dry-cleaning ticket that's in the pocket of those pants.
Kenny Bania: Well, all you gotta do is tell Kramer to give me my money back, and you'll get your ticket.
Jerry: Yeah, yeah, all right. Well, I'll tell you what I will do, Bania. You give me the ticket, and uh, I will take you out for a nice dinner.
Kenny Bania: Can we go back to Mendy's?
Jerry: You want to go to Mendy's, I'll take you to Mendy's.
Kenny Bania: Twice? I wanna go twice.
Jerry: All right, let's be reasonable, Bania. I'm taking you out for a nice dinner. All I want is a little ticket in that pocket. I think it's a pretty good deal.
Kenny Bania: Two Mendy's.
Jerry: All right. Just give me the ticket.

Quote from Jerry

Kenny Bania: Mmm. This soup is great.
Jerry: Yeah, it's very good.
Kenny Bania: I told you Mendy's had the best pea soup. The best Jerry, the best. Are you enjoying it?
Jerry: Yeah. I'm having a wonderful time.
Kenny Bania: Wait till you try the swordfish. You know, Jerry, I was thinking. For our next meal, do you think we should come here ... or should we go someplace else? You know, it has it's pros and cons. On the
one hand, here, you're guaranteed a great meal. On the other hand-
Jerry: Yeah, yeah I know. This would be good, but it would be the same. But if we go some place else, it would be different, but it might not be as good. It's a gamble. I get it.
Kenny Bania: Yeah. Well, let's hurry up and eat I gotta get out of here. I'm meeting a woman for a drink.
Jerry: Oh, and who might that be?
Kenny Bania: Some woman named Uma. I got her number off of that ticket before it was smudged. Hope she's good-looking.


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